[Zbeara]

Do you ever feel like you have trouble with life, but not because your family "sucked". I've always felt like a complainer because my family was one of the "good" families, but it really wasn't. There were a lot of problems, many of which were having to do with my parents being too nice and passive.

Like, when my brother would do something really rude to me, they would just kinda let it slide. They tried not to get too involved with our business, but then they would get involved when it escalated really bad. And then they would be confused, like (sarcastic) "how could it have gotten this bad?" They should have taught us how to cope in the first place before things got bad! (Although, when I got older I realized it was because THEY didn't know how to deal with it either). And then they would just act like everything was happy happy joy joy all the time. They were basically convinced that if everyone SEEMED happy, then everyone WAS happy.

There was also this awful dynamic where they would teach me something like "don't touch poles and doors and basically anything that people touch because you WILL get germs EVERYWHERE, and you WILL get sick." And then as a 12 year old I was absolutely paranoid about germs (or whatever else it is they're teaching me to be scared of) but then they would give me a ton of crap for being terrified! In the form of making fun of me for it as well as getting mad at me for it. But then they would be all like "It's okay. You can think whatever you want ". That was freaking confusing and upsetting!

And then add all this on to my mom and dad being WAAAYY too nice like being relaxed about rules and always being "fun" (which was NOT true. There was always an underlying stress, and a passive-aggressive toxic dynamic to it. As well as feeling like I was walking on eggshells all the time). I just feel like I'm being a jerk for basically anything I do that's not 100% peachy. I guess I also feel that way because they hold it over my head and use it against me. They are always bringing up how nice they are, and making sure I am absolutely grateful and forever indebted to them. To the point where sometimes it feels like they want me to pretty much worship them. Especially if I don't act like everything they do is perfect. (I'm not exaggerating).

Have you ever felt like this? Have you felt like you had what society considered a "blessed" life, only to find out you were just as screwed up in a different way? What was your childhood like?

I don't really want to analyze my childhood anymore. I think there comes a point where we all want to try to figure out what went wrong and why we are the way we are. I know it influenced me for life, but I'm no longer blaming anyone for the way I am. They did what they knew how to do. We only act on what we know. They didn't know how damaging things were, they had their own problems, and I can only see things from my own perspective. I can never see how it was through their eyes, or what they went through as children and young adults before they had us kids. Obviously I wanted to break the cycle. I wanted to do better. In many ways I have failed and am failing. All I can do is move on from here and do what I can.
One thing you mentioned about your parents, is them wanting you to be forever grateful, thinking they did the best job, and that they did good when they didn't. That's something I don't have in me. I admit when I do wrong and didn't do my best. I don't know if that is helpful to my kids but at least I'm honest. Thanks for sharing with us.

[Zbeara]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

I don't really want to analyze my childhood anymore. I think there comes a point where we all want to try to figure out what went wrong and why we are the way we are. I know it influenced me for life, but I'm no longer blaming anyone for the way I am. They did what they knew how to do. We only act on what we know. They didn't know how damaging things were, they had their own problems, and I can only see things from my own perspective. I can never see how it was through their eyes, or what they went through as children and young adults before they had us kids. Obviously I wanted to break the cycle. I wanted to do better. In many ways I have failed and am failing. All I can do is move on from here and do what I can.
One thing you mentioned about your parents, is them wanting you to be forever grateful, thinking they did the best job, and that they did good when they didn't. That's something I don't have in me. I admit when I do wrong and didn't do my best. I don't know if that is helpful to my kids but at least I'm honest. Thanks for sharing with us.

Yeah I'm kind of just reaching the point where I need to analyze my childhood. This is pretty new for me so I feel it's necessary. I don't blame my parents though for my actions from this point forward. I do feel that they are the reason for a large portion of my development (good and bad), but I also don't feel resentment. The only thing I have trouble with is wishing the past could be different, or that I could somehow explain the things I have figured out with them to maybe help them change themselves. But I know that is unrealistic to think and don't hold on to those thoughts.

I dream of breaking the cycle all the time, and so far from the feedback I've gotten, I seem to be close.

Thank you for replying

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Perfect. I have no right to feel bad about anything.

[Zbeara]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

Perfect. I have no right to feel bad about anything.

What do you mean? what are you feeling?

[BlueMag0723]

Originally Posted by Zbeara

Yeah I'm kind of just reaching the point where I need to analyze my childhood. This is pretty new for me so I feel it's necessary. I don't blame my parents though for my actions from this point forward. I do feel that they are the reason for a large portion of my development (good and bad), but I also don't feel resentment. The only thing I have trouble with is wishing the past could be different, or that I could somehow explain the things I have figured out with them to maybe help them change themselves. But I know that is unrealistic to think and don't hold on to those thoughts.

I dream of breaking the cycle all the time, and so far from the feedback I've gotten, I seem to be close.

I used to feel a great deal of resentment towards my parents...still processing the pain and letting go...I don't know when I'll fully get there enough so that I am healthier emotionally...but trying to do it one step only at a time. Sometimes goes "negative" step backward than forward...but the tide is generally (albeit very slowly) - going forward...

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by Zbeara

What do you mean? what are you feeling?

I have no trauma in my life, nothing meaningfully bad. I've never suffered except for things created by my own mind - I've had depressive symptoms since I was maybe 10, thought about suicide for the first time around age 11, but it's all born of self-hatred. Nothing deep or thoughtful. My mom used to tell me I brought it on myself, more or less, that I felt bad and guilty because I was lazy in school or something.

My moods get more erratic as I get older, but there can't be anything wrong because I had an abuse-free, trauma-free childhood. I have no business being unstable, being depressed. It's weak and entitled. Everything I do is weak and entitled. Even my leaving home less than a year ago was an act of spoiled-princess entitlement, I had no right to leave.

But I digress. Nothing happened to me that warrants my being depressed or unstable.

[Zbeara]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

I have no trauma in my life, nothing meaningfully bad. I've never suffered except for things created by my own mind - I've had depressive symptoms since I was maybe 10, thought about suicide for the first time around age 11, but it's all born of self-hatred. Nothing deep or thoughtful. My mom used to tell me I brought it on myself, more or less, that I felt bad and guilty because I was lazy in school or something.

My moods get more erratic as I get older, but there can't be anything wrong because I had an abuse-free, trauma-free childhood. I have no business being unstable, being depressed. It's weak and entitled. Everything I do is weak and entitled. Even my leaving home less than a year ago was an act of spoiled-princess entitlement, I had no right to leave.

But I digress. Nothing happened to me that warrants my being depressed or unstable.

Oh...actually, that's what I used to think too. The only reason I realized there were actually deeper problems was because **** hit the fan. Sometimes the main problem could just be poor communication. Depression is serious. There's a lot behind depression and a lot of different causes. Basically what modern psychology is discovering is that if you're ever depressed there is always a good reason. Even if it's that you are naturally depressed.

It doesn't have to be traumatic. Being told that you have a problem with being weak and entitled when you don't is kind of a problem. It might go deeper than you think :/ I've thought about suicide too. In fact, I used to think I was doing it out of attention, but I realized what was happening was that the thought would cross my mind, I would unconsciously think "oh I had that thought. If I let people know, then they might realize I'm actually depressed", so I would exaggerate it. So it started in a real place, and got blown out of proportion. It was a cry for help.

I have done a lot of thinking lately and tried to find out where everything I did was coming from in an objective way. I had to separate myself from my feelings and think of it as if I were looking in as someone else, rather than being a part of a problem. And I learned a LOT. That's why I've started going to therapy. Because I found the places where I truly couldn't work through it myself.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with this. And everything above is just my thoughts about life and stuff. I know that yours might come from a different place. I really do know how you feel :/

[-jimi-]

My family was nuts at the same time families are usually nuts. I have seen both better and much worse families. I always thought my family was quite alright. There were some stuff that they did that I found really bothersome, like they seemed so socially anxious, my parents, that they rather strangers felt good about us than the kids feeling good. The other thing was since they were like this they tried to pressure me to be more normal. But I knew this even back then so it never created a situation where I wondered what was weird about my family. I fought it back then and now I am an adult so that battle is over with.

I have a sibling that thought our family was really destructive but they saw the bad and I saw the good. They wanted perfect, I settled with human. Most families have faults.

I feel like I grew up fairly normal. I don't feel at all that my issues in life are because of my family. I feel I was born this way. The sibling on the other side that feels it was a bad family grew up without MI and very successful. LOL.

[Nihil]

Fairly uneventful, early on had a ton of health issues due to a genetic disorder, but those were all fixed.

My parents tried to give me "tough love" all the time, which usually made me feel even worse. They also thought that I was exaggerating my symptoms when I was looking for support from them.

I started suffering from depression when I was in 6th grade, so... I was about 11-12 at the time. They thought I was just "acting out" and they blatantly told me "stop it". Well, I was suffering from bipolar disorder, so it was kind of hard for me to just "stop it". Their harsh words only made me feel more upset and made my life more difficult. I ultimately lost all my friends by the end of 6th grade and I was bullied for being a loner. I was also getting very poor grades in school (C's and D's), but again, they thought I was just "acting out".

The worst part is, they refused to even let me seek professional help, so I suffered for over a decade. It wasn't until I was 24 that I sought help and was properly diagnosed as bipolar.

It was pretty bad because I get severe depression and severe rage. I've destroyed a lot of my own belongings out of anger, and I've spent many nights crying to myself, but my parents didn't really care. They thought I was just acting out and that it was a phase.

To this day, I've never told them I have bipolar disorder. I don't plan to either. They've made fun of people with bipolar disorder in the past, so it's not worth trying to reason with them.

But between 0 and 10 years old, I think my life was fine.

I don't think my parents caused me to be the way I am, but they definitely made my childhood hard on me. I'm mainly upset that they didn't let me seek professional help.

[TishaBuv]

My mom and I were just laughing yesterday about the time the whole family went to the beach. We took the beach umbrella out of the garage, closed. When we got to the beach, my dad stuck the umbrella into the sand and opened it. Hundreds of flying palmetto bugs came swarming out of the umbrella in all directions. People started screaming and running away. I felt like the Addam's family! We just closed up the umbrella and quickly scooted off the beach, heads held low.

I was the baby with sisters much older. My mom was verbally abusive, a screamer, fought with everyone, but she is also very loving and giving. My father died when he was 44 and I was 12. It's a sad, long story about him. It's easiest to just say he had a nervous breakdown and was not right in his head my whole life, he died because he wanted to.

Everything that happened, I thought was normal, because that was all I knew.

Learning that things happened that were not healthy and there was history of abuse and MI did more damage to me than if things had just been left alone.

It was and is a blessed life, even wth a lot of senseless tragedies. We laughed, we cried. My parents taught me their crazy ways of thinking just as I teach my children some off the wall thinking, too.

No, nothing was ever 'peachy', but it all looked beautiful in the photos.

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

My parents tried to give me "tough love" all the time, which usually made me feel even worse. They also thought that I was exaggerating my symptoms when I was looking for support from them.

I started suffering from depression when I was in 6th grade, so... I was about 11-12 at the time. They thought I was just "acting out" and they blatantly told me "stop it". Well, I was suffering from bipolar disorder, so it was kind of hard for me to just "stop it". Their harsh words only made me feel more upset and made my life more difficult. I ultimately lost all my friends by the end of 6th grade and I was bullied for being a loner. I was also getting very poor grades in school (C's and D's), but again, they thought I was just "acting out".

The worst part is, they refused to even let me seek professional help, so I suffered for over a decade. It wasn't until I was 24 that I sought help and was properly diagnosed as bipolar.

It was pretty bad because I get severe depression and severe rage. I've destroyed a lot of my own belongings out of anger, and I've spent many nights crying to myself, but my parents didn't really care. They thought I was just acting out and that it was a phase.

To this day, I've never told them I have bipolar disorder. I don't plan to either. They've made fun of people with bipolar disorder in the past, so it's not worth trying to reason with them.

But between 0 and 10 years old, I think my life was fine.

I don't think my parents caused me to be the way I am, but they definitely made my childhood hard on me. I'm mainly upset that they didn't let me seek professional help.

My childhood greatly paralleled yours, with the exception of being told to "stop it" my parents were more "a normal child would be over that by now."

My mother was a very difficult woman I could never please. I was constantly the scape goat for her own problems and difficulties. The message I got from her - and I still hear her teling me this - is that I'm not good enough, that I am a humiliation, and that nothing is as important than what peope think.

[SlayGuy138]

I was neglected, abused, and spoiled - all at the same time, and in the wrong ways. My dad wasn't able to be in my life for much of my childhood. My mother was incredibly selfless for the earliest years of my life, she would often take me to the mall and have lunch with me, and then we'd cuddle on the sofa and watch Friends once we got home. But that all was negated because one day she decided to start hating me for some reason. She would never bother listening to any of my emotional issues or display compassion for them, plus she kept me inside and never encouraged me to have a real social life. I think she was constantly concerned with how her parenting was reflected, which is laughable. I never was even allowed to have a lock on my door. She almost drowned me once - when I was in 4th grade she threatened that she was going to drive her car into a lake with me in the back seat. On top of that, she started screaming bloody murder at me, violently slapping in the face and beating me senseless when I was a teenager. She told everyone (psychiatrists, strangers on the street, family members, etc.) this big lie about how I was the abusive one in the family and not her, and she would trick me into going to emergency rooms on account of imaginary "psychotic episodes". Also she would call the pigs on me and have me arrested for things I didn't even do. One of them even told me that he hoped I got raped in prison. I think the pièce de résistance was when I was 16 and she lied to some opportunistic social worker at the hospital who decided to put me in juvie hall, where I was with drug addicts, actual juvenile delinquents, stinking white trash filth and legitimate sociopaths. The rules there were ridiculous and bizarre, plus the atmosphere and workers there did far more harm to me than good. When I was discharged she started screaming at me about how she wish she had a girl and how she would have aborted me ("like the six other kids [she] was gonna have") if she knew I was going to turn out to be a "autistic, diaper shitting sissy ******". Apparently when I was imprisoned she ripped pages out of my personal journals and found out I was bisexual, and outed that secret about me to family members and social workers. Also around this time I was seeing my dad in weekly supervised visits, and she would bash on me for having any relationship at all for her ex-husband. She would call me a traitor and a backstabber. Finally, she would purchase atrociously lame gifts for me (for example, one year for my birthday I wanted a pair of Converse, and she deliberately got me the knockoff brand from Payless) just so she would have some leverage to fall back on ("You're an ungrateful bastard!") when I did call her out on her abuses.

I think this shows what kind of person she is, but I probably just brought it all upon myself and need to have sympathy for her - right?!

My mother was/is a very loving mother. That said, she was overprotective. Don't do this--you might get hurt. Don't do that--you might get hurt. It wasn't her intention, but I learned to be helpless.

My father (deceased) was a stoic WWII veteran and police officer. He never once told me that he loved me; never once gave me a hug. He would ask me the same question every day: How do you justify your existence? It made me wish I was never born.

[nicoleflynn]

abusive mother, absent father, poverty (no phone, car, refrigerator, tub or shower), molestation, 120-year old tenement house with cockroaches, rats, snow came in from a crack in the wall.

Used my life story to win a scholarship and am a Sophomore at 69.!! Cannot do a thing about the past; simply keep moving forward...Joined the army right out of high school; from a little town in Maine, to San Francisco at the height of the Vietnam War....Dancer, singer, author, poet, etc.

Some of the (14 endorsements for my life story, so humbling): Elie Wiesel, Wayne Dyer, Nikki Giovanni, Alice Miller, Larry Dossey

[nicoleflynn]

Originally Posted by kindness

My mother was/is a very loving mother. That said, she was overprotective. Don't do this--you might get hurt. Don't do that--you might get hurt. It wasn't her intention, but I learned to be helpless.

My father (deceased) was a stoic WWII veteran and police officer. He never once told me that he loved me; never once gave me a hug. He would ask me the same question every day: How do you justify your existence? It made me wish I was never born.

Oh, that is so sad and cruel. Unfortunately those types of people were brought up without love and coldly, and it was projected on to you. Someone should have asked HIM that question. xo

[CoffeeLove]

Scary, frightening, terrifying, harrowing, painful, abusive physically sexually and emotionally, the worst part of all to me, I was lonely.

[handheart]

The parents have the most important role in the child caracter and if a child have parents that was had problems or they are to protectuos they wil ake this child suffer in his life i know from proper experience

[TinkerPixie]

My childhood, oddly enough, was not terrible despite the fact that it was when the vast majority of the sexual abuse I've experienced happened. Overall, I actually look back at my childhood fondly, and I think it's because my home life was not one of the problems. I went through very extreme trauma done by multiple extended family members, but at home I was very much loved and felt safe most of the time. I think it's the only reason I'm semifunctional.

For anyone who is struggling with feeling that their experience is somehow not valid because they had a "normal" childhood (I know I used to feel this way), please remember that we all experience our own pain uniquely. It doesn't matter how your life compares to anyone else's - for better or worse - your experience and your pain is your own, and it is completely valid simply because you are experiencing it.

[Aracnae]

Nobody has ever told me I was "blessed" with my parents, because when I describe my childhood people are usually shocked by what I say.
However, I've also done a lot of study into the subject (mostly because I wanted to figure out why I am the way I am) and I've found that mental illness can occur no matter what your parents are like. Yes, having a ton of stress can increase the chances of it, but it isn't a guarantee that it won't happen.
It doesn't sound like your parents were perfect, but rather that you may have been a bit neglected, since they didn't give you the structure you probably needed. You are right that you don't need to worship the ground they walk on, or necessarily be indebted to them either.
Anyhow, I appreciated reading this, because it also gave me something to think about, since it sounds like you're on the other side of the extreme from what I had growing up.

[Zbeara]

Originally Posted by SlayGuy138

I was neglected, abused, and spoiled - all at the same time, and in the wrong ways. My dad wasn't able to be in my life for much of my childhood. My mother was incredibly selfless for the earliest years of my life, she would often take me to the mall and have lunch with me, and then we'd cuddle on the sofa and watch Friends once we got home. But that all was negated because one day she decided to start hating me for some reason. She would never bother listening to any of my emotional issues or display compassion for them, plus she kept me inside and never encouraged me to have a real social life. I think she was constantly concerned with how her parenting was reflected, which is laughable. I never was even allowed to have a lock on my door. She almost drowned me once - when I was in 4th grade she threatened that she was going to drive her car into a lake with me in the back seat. On top of that, she started screaming bloody murder at me, violently slapping in the face and beating me senseless when I was a teenager. She told everyone (psychiatrists, strangers on the street, family members, etc.) this big lie about how I was the abusive one in the family and not her, and she would trick me into going to emergency rooms on account of imaginary "psychotic episodes". Also she would call the pigs on me and have me arrested for things I didn't even do. One of them even told me that he hoped I got raped in prison. I think the pièce de résistance was when I was 16 and she lied to some opportunistic social worker at the hospital who decided to put me in juvie hall, where I was with drug addicts, actual juvenile delinquents, stinking white trash filth and legitimate sociopaths. The rules there were ridiculous and bizarre, plus the atmosphere and workers there did far more harm to me than good. When I was discharged she started screaming at me about how she wish she had a girl and how she would have aborted me ("like the six other kids [she] was gonna have") if she knew I was going to turn out to be a "autistic, diaper shitting sissy ******". Apparently when I was imprisoned she ripped pages out of my personal journals and found out I was bisexual, and outed that secret about me to family members and social workers. Also around this time I was seeing my dad in weekly supervised visits, and she would bash on me for having any relationship at all for her ex-husband. She would call me a traitor and a backstabber. Finally, she would purchase atrociously lame gifts for me (for example, one year for my birthday I wanted a pair of Converse, and she deliberately got me the knockoff brand from Payless) just so she would have some leverage to fall back on ("You're an ungrateful bastard!") when I did call her out on her abuses.

I think this shows what kind of person she is, but I probably just brought it all upon myself and need to have sympathy for her - right?!

That is one of the most awful things I have ever heard! I am so sorry you had to go through that

[Zbeara]

Originally Posted by Aracnae

Nobody has ever told me I was "blessed" with my parents, because when I describe my childhood people are usually shocked by what I say.
However, I've also done a lot of study into the subject (mostly because I wanted to figure out why I am the way I am) and I've found that mental illness can occur no matter what your parents are like. Yes, having a ton of stress can increase the chances of it, but it isn't a guarantee that it won't happen.
It doesn't sound like your parents were perfect, but rather that you may have been a bit neglected, since they didn't give you the structure you probably needed. You are right that you don't need to worship the ground they walk on, or necessarily be indebted to them either.
Anyhow, I appreciated reading this, because it also gave me something to think about, since it sounds like you're on the other side of the extreme from what I had growing up.

Yeah that was probably a big part of the problem was that I needed a sort of emotional structure that I didn't have. I don't think I had a terrible childhood though. What I hate is what all of the problems turned into later in life. So I guess the real problem was my parents lack of ability to deal with negative spirals and with an inability to handle difficult emotions.

That's really interesting though. What was it like for you?

I was able to play with neighbourhood kids and also my brother and sister but I wouldn't say I had any friends. Just skated with the neighbourhood kids for example, or played with my brother and sister. I don't have complaints though, I had fun playing.

Home life was stressful at times. Father had a temper, mother had an explosive temper at times too. Mother would beat me if I got detention, dad would occasionally hit. Both would put me down at times. Dad would often say that I was naive. Mother kind of said I was weird or stupid. Dad would yell at Mum at times, and drive all over the road if he was mad, or just yell for hours. One time he punched holes in the walls, or beat the dog, stuff like that. We would also get the belt if we were naughty or didn't follow instructions. Mother one time left home and just went for a long long walk. Dad found her in a park somewhere I think and she agreed to come home. They were both pretty good normally, but you never knew when things would go bad sometimes. One time Mother made me serve food for visitors and because I was socially anxious she got angry and swore at me and shouted that she would cut my penis off if I didn't smile and socialise. I eventually just didn't serve food because I didn't like being treated that way.

But yeah, I would say childhood was unpredictable for us mostly. Even when we had visitors or were visiting others, Dad was liable to just have a mood swing and embarrass me with his yelling or some mean comment.