[happyflowergirl]

Is the only support allowed is just telling someone what they want to hear? Maybe I am missing something because it seems to me if you post on a public site, shouldn't you be open to opinoins even if they may not agree with your own?
I am new here and it seems like I am doing something wrong and I just don't understand what.
If a friend tells you something that maybe might be harmful to her, do you just ignore the signs and keep your head in the sand and say, oh, that is great... it just doesn't seem supportive if you only say what they want to hear.

i think it has to do with the way we "say" it. and it depends upon what our expertise dictates......i know nothing about having a personality disorder, so i can't speak to that. i have a large overview of psychology but am not very comfortable HERE with something that i haven't experienced myself.

i know ALOT about depression and anxiety, so i enter into that freely. i have a deep seated belief in my own brand of spirituality and will defend it vigorously.

i love music and poetry and i hang out a lot in Creative. i cook a lot and give advice there.

if your'e having unprotected sex and ask my opinion, i'll give it to you......

i'm funny and i think that laughter is the greatest medicine of all, so i dabble in that in Social.....

get my drift? it's fine to answer a question if a poster asks one.....just like it is appropriate if someone wants to quit all of their meds at once and we all caution them to see their doctor.

i think you have to tool around here a bit and watch how the forums work and then decide what you want to do.

this is a support forum, but it ain't all sugar and spice. we can count on others to tell us what we need to hear. it's in the delivery......xoxoxo pat

[MyBestKids2]

[okiedokie]

Pat, couldn't have said it better if I tried!!

Okie

[sabby]

fayerody is very correct in her statement that very often our support of folks is all in how we deliver it. Once you get to know folks here, you learn by reading what it is they are requiring for support and we can taylor how we say, what we say to that individual.

I'm a firm believer that positiveness begets positiveness. If I give someone support positively, then the message can be received in the same way and I hope that it helps the individual to grasp it and get something from it. Sometimes it's just a hug, other times, if the question is asked for advice, I'll give that too.

It takes time to learn about all the different personalities and individuals here at PC. There are so many folks here. Many times, all we are doing is reaching out for validation that we matter, that someone hears us and empathizes with us. Sometimes, thats all we need to know in order to feel better.

Part of healing is asking for what you need and want from people. It's not a matter of saying only what people want to hear, its a matter of hearing what they need and responding to it positively. I hope this helps you to understand what PC is about

Hugssss
J

[EJ711]

Flower Girl,

Welcome to PC!

My perception that in general people here are looking mostly for support. Even though you get to know some members over time, it is still hard to judge if they are really ready to hear what you have to say.

A lot of times, it is more important for people and their healing to know someone else cares about what is happening to them.

EJ

[Wants2Fly]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
fayerody said:
i think it has to do with the way we "say" it. and it depends upon what our expertise dictates......

if your'e having unprotected sex and ask my opinion, i'll give it to you......

get my drift? it's fine to answer a question if a poster asks one.....just like it is appropriate if someone wants to quit all of their meds at once and we all caution them to see their doctor.

i think you have to tool around here a bit and watch how the forums work and then decide what you want to do.

this is a support forum, but it ain't all sugar and spice. we can count on others to tell us what we need to hear. it's in the delivery......xoxoxo pat

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Good posting.

[Irine]

you know... i had a the samequestiosn myself once.

am i supposed to give just sympaty or say what i really think?

the problem with me is that i always THINK!

[kimmydawn]

You know, this really can be a "dance"...some with easier steps...some with more difficult steps to try to follow.

I think alot of the posting here is spot on in the realm that disagreement is fine, saying what you think/feel is fine, but showing it in a supportive nature is key and can be a difficult dance if we're strongly opposed.

I don't know that there are good, across the board, answers for this as each situation is individual.

I do know that, when I strongly disagree with a member and they're asking for feedback, I try to talk about my experience and what I'd done in similar circumstances or feel I would do in same situation. I think doing this makes it feel less "finger pointing" or "do as I say" in response. It feels less like I'm "preaching" or giving instruction and more than I'm thinking and sharing.

For instance, if someone were to ask about, I don't know, doing something illegal (because it's not up to me to judge anyhow). I wouldn't want to appear as lecturing, but more state my disagreement and concern with, "My concern would be the outcome there. What would it do to myself and those in my life?" That doesn't "feel" lecturing...just shows my thought processes and care put into them, and gives food for thought. It also shows the true me because I do relate alot with others when I show support.

When we comment in disagreement, it's taken much better if we relate and use "I statements" or examples with outcome because it shows that we've really thought, aren't accusing, and are showing true sympathy to the member's concerns.

I'm just sharing my "delivery" in these times. I'm aware that everyone has their own and another important key to that is member's knowing each other...knowing their responses... It takes time sometimes.

KD

[sabby]

Since this is a "support" site, I think it's best we do what we can to show support of the individual without being critical or judgemental. Everyone's lives are different, everyone is in a different place in their recovery.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with asking an individual if they are interested in your opinions and/or life experiences. Keep in mind that some of us are looking for others ideas and experiences, but we should not force ours on them. Being respectful to everyone is of the utmost importance to keep this site exactly what it is meant for... support!

Sometimes it's hard to know exactly what would be accepted and what wouldn't be accepted. In those times, ask if they are interested in your take on things.

Hugssss
J

[kimmydawn]

Hey, you know, sab has a GREAT point.

There's nothing wrong with (as alot of us do in real life) to first say, "Um, my thoughts might not be what you want to hear, or they might be hard to hear. Are you sure you want me to openly say them?"

KD

[DePressMe]

I agree with what has been said. I personally try to give feedback in the form of my own experience—then in some ways I am saying “hey, I’ve done it too” or something like that. I think it takes the sting off. I also try to say that is just my experience because everybody is different. If there is something real serious and I can’t say it in a “nice” way, I send the person a PM. I don’t send them a mean email—I express my concern and caring in a more private setting.

Hang in there happyflowergirl. Just posting this thread shows you care and you want to be supportive to others. I respect you for that. The more you post, the easier it will come to you. Keep posting. I look forward to learning more about you.

[happyflowergirl]

Thanks for all the replies they really help understand what is expected on this web site, all sites seem to be different.

The only thing I would like to say it that if you see someone who is new, and they don't respond in a way you like, it is okay to tell them nicely, after all they did respond to your post, and they were trying to help.

But instead I felt I was ganged up on, and when I was trying to help, makes me not want to post again. It seems like being supportive should go both ways, and how you respond to people who were trying to help, should also be respectful too.

Thanks everyone, I guess I need to be more careful in what I say. I can do that. I am a little gunshy about posting right now, so I will just read for awhile.

[sabby]

I'm sorry you felt ganged up on happyflowergirl.

I'm in no way condoning that you should have been ganged up on, but I do know that many times if people feel threatened by a post in response to an issue they are having, they will let you know in no uncertain terms how they feel, and others will back them up (friendships are formed here) But you are right, respectfulness should be a two way street!

Try to chalk this up to a learning experience. I think once you read and get to know some of the folks here through their postings, you will figure out what can be said to who and in what way.

Of course if you have any questions you are always welcome to ask in pm a mod/admin for assistance.

Take good care!
Hugss
J

[tranquility]

Hi Happyflowergirl -

Being on a website such as this is tough. I use to say to my employees who service customers on the phone/email to be cognizant that their customers can't see their face, or if on email can't hear their voice. So, it's real easy for people to "read" into someone's attitude on an email.

One woman I work with would type all in CAPS - I knew that she didn't think she was doing anything, but alot of people thinks that it means you're yelling. When I told her she didn't know it so she changed it.

Now add to this a website where everyone is dealing with some sort of mental health condition, meds., etc. and you've got quite the pot brewing.

When I respond to people, if I think it may sound harsh or they may take it harsh, I always preface with the fact that I care and I'm just making a suggestion and I hope they aren't offended.

I had someone PM me once that said something that really set me off, BUT they also admitted they may not say things right all the time. I was glad they added that, because then I was able to respond and say I wasn't offended and continue the converstation.

There are also other times where I realllllyyyyy want to post a response that I know will only satisfy me and not help the person. Those posts I don't send or, if I type the whole thing I hit my back key.

Tranquility

[Noncomposmentis8]

Well When I ask for help, I want to hear the truth sometimes, it hurts, but Its what you need to hear. If you ask for help and someone lies...It doesnt make anything better.