[DechanDawa]

I am not sure if I know what this word means. I thought it meant if, for example, you stay married to a violent alcoholic, or something like that.

But people seem to use this word to mean other things.

What does this word mean to you?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

I am not sure if I know what this word means. I thought it meant if, for example, you stay married to a violent alcoholic, or something like that.

But people seem to use this word to mean other things.

What does this word mean to you?

short version its when one person is supporting and enabling another persons negative ways...

example of a codependent relationship for mental illness would be if a spouse makes it possible and makes excuses for their partner to not take their meds, knowing full well their partner doesnt like taking the meds and is more stable while on meds.

another example in domestic violence situation the victim will make excuses for the abuser and not report the abuse which enables (makes it possible) for the abuse to continue.

another example a parent will do a childs parent may do the childs homework making it possible for the child to continue to not learn what they need to know to pass their grade rather than fighting with the child to do their own homework. and if a teacher calls the parent about a failing test score the parent says oh well she must have just been tired, she really does know the material but she just didnt have time to study...

[DechanDawa]

I have never liked the word. It is too generic. It is used in too many different situations. It over-simplifies. It's a bad label.

[Nimportequoi]

Nod, nod.
I don't like the term. It's pseudo-professional, not clearly defined, and on top of that, it's my perdonal opinion that being in a relationship always means a certain level of mutual dependency, whether it being constructive or maladaptive.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Nimportequoi

Nod, nod.
I don't like the term. It's pseudo-professional, not clearly defined, and on top of that, it's my perdonal opinion that being in a relationship always means a certain level of mutual dependency, whether it being constructive or maladaptive.

Nod, nod, nod. I was thinking this exactly but didn't post it. Thank you for this. I completely agree with you.

[nicoleflynn]

Yah, those psych. words. We are ALL dependent on SOMEone.

a co-dependant is an enabler.

[That What]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

I am not sure if I know what this word means. I thought it meant if, for example, you stay married to a violent alcoholic, or something like that.

But people seem to use this word to mean other things.

What does this word mean to you?

The children's game...Follow the Leader. Participants COPY the actions AND words of a child chosen as leader.

Co-dependents observe unknown physical experience then split into separate classifications....actions OR words then attempt to combine actions from one place and words from one place combining as "equal" expecting exact same actions and words.

Depend means controlled or determined (detour mind) by...to rely for (4) support, maintenance, help. Co means join, mutual, common.

Example: teacher =any adult authority position over child/children. child=any relationship.

Common during elementary school class..one or more "noisy child"...teacher cannot "stop" behavior so teacher switches to (2) threat tactics (detour)...stop or the whole class...punished. 1 "noisy" child (single) now 2 plus children (group) threatened. Non-acting out child/children depend on problem child's non-acting out or risk losing physical action and punishment emotional words missing physical actions.

Co-dependent "single" Teacher...blaming/shaming "single" child...forming co-dependent "social class family" on non-problem (specific location friends) child/children. More commonly known as "school" bullying.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for posting this Dechan. I never really knew exactly what this term meant either. As was mentioned above, everyone is dependent on someone. I suppose there are instances of clear, damaging co-dependence. But in many cases I suspect that co-dependence, like beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder.

By the way, another term I see used constantly here on PC that I'm not sure I really understand is "dissociation". Actually, when it comes right down to it, I guess there are a lot of these "psych terms" I really don't fully understand. Maybe I'm just old...

[Marylin]

I though it meant two people dependent on each other emotionally and physically where one person is ill or an alcoholic and the other tries to fix them,change them, make the problem go away but is actually making the habits more entrenched.Like a woman who will not leave a violent,abusive, alcoholic husband and devotes her time and energy to make him better then ignores the very real problems she herself has if she does not have someone to mother or make better.Codependents,need someone to mother,take care off because they are terrified of focusing on themselves and their own problems.
These relationships happen between husband's and wives, mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters/sons etc

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Marylin

I though it meant two people dependent on each other emotionally and physically where one person is ill or an alcoholic and the other tries to fix them,change them, make the problem go away but is actually making the habits more entrenched.Like a woman who will not leave a violent,abusive, alcoholic husband and devotes her time and energy to make him better then ignores the very real problems she herself has if she does not have someone to mother or make better.Codependents,need someone to mother,take care off because they are terrified of focusing on themselves and their own problems.
These relationships happen between husband's and wives, mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters/sons etc

in general the term enable means to help a person yes but in psychological terms it means to help a person to remain disabled, remain mentally ill, help a person to not follow their treatment plans.

dependency in general terms means you can depend on someone else...i depend on my co workers to get their paperwork done which helps me to be able to do my part of the job.

but when you put dependency in the psychological term with the word enable it takes on a negative meaning where one persons happiness depends upon continuing another persons mental illness patterns.

the actual psychological definition here where I am is...

a condition where ones happiness, behaviors, mental and physical health problems depend upon another who is manipulating and controlling them as a way to allow their own happiness, negative behaviors,mental and physical health problems to continue.

[Marylin]

Yes my sister was only happy when her negative behaviors to force helplessness in me and dependency on her made me ill and drove me further into her clutches,she wanted to use my strengths and rape my mind and intellect so she did all she could to make sure I stayed ill!Nasty,narcissistic woman!

[purpleboots]

I think I am co-dependent. I tend to get attached easily, even when I know that it's the wrong type of partner, it's hard for me to let go. It's getting easier with more experience I have but I ran into a nasty narcississt at the worst time of my life, and they got other people to join in to hurt me and abuse me. I am suffering from PTSD as a result of what they put me through. I just started learning about co-dependency a little while ago, and it's been helpful in my journey. I don't want to be co dependent because it attracts narcissists/psychopaths/sociopaths to you.

[Marylin]

True, we need to be independent as far as is possible purpleboots,otherwise we are vulnerable to attracting abusive people!I find I need help so instead of attracting someone to help me as a partner I stay independent by paying for home help and a gardener.I would continue to pay for this help even if I acquired a companion and hopefully that person will not be controlling and would not try to make me helpless and dependent on them like my abusive sister did in the past!I know I was codependent in that relationship ,she drained me slowly of all my power and I went from being powerful and in control of my own life to powerless and having my sister control me and render me helpless and useless.I lost my own identity,I should celebrate now that I have me back!I have that to be happy about, a year and seven months now I have been free.Marylinx

[LadyShadow]

I believe I am co-dependent too. I also attach on to people very easily and expect too much. I always get led down one way or the other. I think its too generic of a term though. I never liked it.

But you can be co-dependent on alcohol (I suffer from that too), as well as someone.

[purpleboots]

I'm glad to hear that you have you back Marylin.

[nicoleflynn]

We are ALL dependent on someone.

[Marylin]

Better not to be dependent on anyone but interdependent is ok!

[Sula B]

Having a background in community services, my understanding of the term is when one person encourages the instability/disability/dependence in order to fulfil their own need to be important, central, needed eg. a mother with a disabled child will place speed bumps in the way for that child to develop to their potential in order that they remain of greatest importance in the child's life, often into adulthood. I've seen this happen a lot with mothers and children. The mother might do things like chase away others who gain the confidence of the child (family members or support workers) as they are a threat to her own centrality n that child's life. Or she might refuse to allow the child to participate in certain activities on flimsy grounds like "they'll get made fun of" or "they'll get hurt", so as to maintain their level of disability and reliance on mum.

[Marylin]

Originally Posted by Sula B

Having a background in community services, my understanding of the term is when one person encourages the instability/disability/dependence in order to fulfil their own need to be important, central, needed eg. a mother with a disabled child will place speed bumps in the way for that child to develop to their potential in order that they remain of greatest importance in the child's life, often into adulthood. I've seen this happen a lot with mothers and children. The mother might do things like chase away others who gain the confidence of the child (family members or support workers) as they are a threat to her own centrality n that child's life. Or she might refuse to allow the child to participate in certain activities on flimsy grounds like "they'll get made fun of" or "they'll get hurt", so as to maintain their level of disability and reliance on mum.

I have an aunt did this to her daughter,they still live together and her daughter is 42 years old,my aunt is also a narcissist,I am so sad for my cousin.Any attempts to help her were futile,I believe she will go mad over and over again because of the way her mother treats her.I haven't seen or heard from her in 9 years.

[Sula B]

I feel for your cousin. Have you or other family members reached out to her?

I think my own mother would be exactly like that with me if given half the chance but she still has my very tolerant and patient father. She is a controlling and narcissistic woman who verbally abuses him and makes fun of him all the time. He cannot speak or give an opinion without her making sarcastic or condescending comment. She thinks she has superior intelligence even though dad is a professional with very high level qualifications and experience. Both my siblings left as soon as they could and moved to the opposite side of the world to have limited contact with her and I have stayed local only because I had a family and wanted to stay close to my father. I feel for my father but its too late to get him away from her. On the flip side I fear the day he passes away as she will definitely turn her attention to me. His co-dependency is the only thing standing between me and her.

[Marylin]

Hi Sula, it is awful isn't it.No,I haven't reached out to my cousin for many years,when I did reach out it was hard to help her cos she is codependent with her mother and ultimately she got confused and gave her loyalty to mum and wouldn't listen to me.I did at one point persuade my cousin to move out into a group home, she had her own self contained flat and had a caretakers keep an eye on her.But her mum fully interfered with her life and continued taking over with cleaning and shopping and interfered in any relationships my cousin made.

Later there was a charge called the bedroom tax introduced so my aunt living alone in the two bedroom flat was charged £14 a week for having a spare room in social housing ,which she couldn't afford,so she persuaded my cousin to move back in with her in another area.

What can I do?The best thing for my cousin would be to move away from her mum completely.I don't know what is happening now,they cut me out of their lives.They don't want to know me!

To be honest they are toxic to me like my own sister whom I also cut out of my life,she is a narcissist too and I went through 35 years of abuse with her.You can read about it on other posts in other threads on here.

I hope you are able to stay close to your father,when he goes just cut her out of your life if you can,if you function ok on your own now don't let her change that if you lose your father.Keep her at a distance and if she needs help don't you be the one to give it is my advice.You can protect yourself especially if you know it is coming.I wish you all the best.Message me anytime,I will look out for your posts.Marylinx