[rdgrad15]

I have a question. Is it considered normal to be able to see the flaws in something or, in some cases, someone who is extremely shady, when someone else who is overly optimistic about everything just can't see it. I feel like it comes off as negative or arrogant.

In other words, I feel like it sounds like I wish more people were negative. That is not the case. I don't wish people to be depressed or negative all the time and constantly finding the flaws in every single thing they see or everyone they meet. Everyone and everything has some flaws, and sometimes we just have to deal with it. I know how to deal with it.

What I am talking about is if something is going to go terribly wrong, like for example, a project that is deemed to fail and has to be changed, or in cases, someone being shady or using others, I feel obligated to let it be known to someone who is obviously not seeing it or refuses to see it in order to cause further problems.

For example, someone who had the tendency to use others to her benefit and controlling once invited herself, unannounced, to spend the night in someone's dorm room. This was after she graduated college. She showed up and the very optimistic person did not want her around so she tried to be very optimistic and allow me to let her sleep in my dorm room.

The college I went to was a Catholic school, so they were extremely strict on that stuff. If you allow someone, especially a visitor of the opposite sex, to sleep in the same dorm room as you, you could face serious fines and possible expulsion from the residence halls. I was not about to risk that, especially since I could not commute an hour every day.

I pointed out all the reasons that is not a good idea, not to mention that I did not want someone who had used me in the past to be around me anymore. I was very honest about my opinion and denied her access to my room. I would not allow it and told her she should either find somewhere else to go or go back home. Of course when that got around to the unannounced visitor, the visitor got super pissed and upset.

Once she left campus, the very optimistic girl got very pissed at me, saying I had no right to do that and that I need to stop being so negative. I may have been, but I just didn't feel comfortable. Same for other things, if I see something that is going to happen and impact me or others in a bad way, I will say something. I am the same way when people try to get me to hang out with anyone else who I know for a fact has used me and don't wish to be around.

Maybe it makes me negative, but at the same time, sometimes I feel like some extremely optimistic people don't see the flaws in things that could obviously wrong and affect me or others in a negative way. Does that make me sound arrogant even though I feel like I am just trying to prevent bad things from happening? I don't do this all the time, only when it is absolutely necessary. Thankfully it is a rare occurrence, but when it does happen, I feel like people should know, especially those who seem to be so oblivious to what could happen.

Generally, flaws are often subjective.

However, in the situation with the girl breaking school rules - it sounds like you were injecting yourself in a situation you did not belong, despite good intentions. It sounds like you may be emotionally attached to her and the feelings aren't reciprocated. She wants to make her own decisions, whatever they may be.

[kamikazebaby]

Nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, defending your boundaries, and saying no when you feel uncomfortable. And yes, really optimistic people blatantly ignore reality and probability, sometimes to the point of being delusional.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

Generally, flaws are often subjective.

However, in the situation with the girl breaking school rules - it sounds like you were injecting yourself in a situation you did not belong, despite good intentions. It sounds like you may be emotionally attached to her and the feelings aren't reciprocated. She wants to make her own decisions, whatever they may be.

The girl who invited herself? Yes I get what you mean, technically, I would have minded my own buisness, but I felt like I was dragged into it since someone else was trying to get me to let her stay in my room against my will so I felt obligated to stand up for myself and let others know that it wasn't a good idea. I am definitely not attached to that girl, at least not in a positive way. I didn't like her either.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

Nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, defending your boundaries, and saying no when you feel uncomfortable. And yes, really optimistic people blatantly ignore reality and probability, sometimes to the point of being delusional.

Yep totally agree. Sometimes I feel like I sound arrogant but when people are so optimistic to the point where they become those things you mentioned, it just really gets on my nerves, especially if it is going to result in a negative outcome when it comes to making decisions.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Yep totally agree. Sometimes I feel like I sound arrogant but when people are so optimistic to the point where they become those things you mentioned, it just really gets on my nerves, especially if it is going to result in a negative outcome when it comes to making decisions.

It IS very annoying. Well, being the rational one pointing out the issues with a situation that everyone else wants to be sparkles and cupcakes can make one very unpopular! Of course, it's wasy for them not to mind and to chastise you for being "difficult" when it affects you more than it does them! Lol. I don't have tolerance for the excessive (and often invalidating) optimism anymore myself. Or for people taking advantage. You did the right thing - keep blocking those moves.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

It IS very annoying. Well, being the rational one pointing out the issues with a situation that everyone else wants to be sparkles and cupcakes can make one very unpopular! Of course, it's wasy for them not to mind and to chastise you for being "difficult" when it affects you more than it does them! Lol. I don't have tolerance for the excessive (and often invalidating) optimism anymore myself. Or for people taking advantage. You did the right thing - keep blocking those moves.

Yep, totally agree. Like I mentioned before, I feel like there is a difference between pointing out the flaws in something or someone for a very good reason in order to prevent something bad from happening, such as being used or something else going wrong, and just being a debbie downer in general because someone just likes to complain. I know the difference, I think even though people may say it is negativity, I think pointing out the flaws in something for a very good reason is actually considered being realistic, even though to others it may be considered being a debbie downer.

[Perna]

You really only get to decide who you do/do not want to be with and there's nothing negative there. Someone else can't decide for you if a third person can stay with you? No need to point out that you don't like the person or anything else, you just say you're sorry but they can't stay with you. You don't have to give a reason, or you can go down as a "prude" or whatever by saying it's against school rules, etc., other people's opinions about your behavior are not fact, they are just there to help you evaluate your behavior for yourself; other people don't get a vote on what you like/do not like, do/do not do.

I would not tell others that a third person is bad news, I would just say that, for yourself, you do not wish to be at that activity/get together. Say you're going to study or whatever (whatever you are going to do if you don't do what everyone else is going to do); keep it impersonal. But bad mouthing a third person who isn't there for someone else's benefit, that's not a good idea; you don't know what their relationship is like and everyone has to learn their own lessons. That person may behave totally different around the person you are trying to "warn". If you have decided not to be involved, that's all you can do, your good judgment ends when it is no longer about your own needs.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Perna

You really only get to decide who you do/do not want to be with and there's nothing negative there. Someone else can't decide for you if a third person can stay with you? No need to point out that you don't like the person or anything else, you just say you're sorry but they can't stay with you. You don't have to give a reason, or you can go down as a "prude" or whatever by saying it's against school rules, etc., other people's opinions about your behavior are not fact, they are just there to help you evaluate your behavior for yourself; other people don't get a vote on what you like/do not like, do/do not do.

I would not tell others that a third person is bad news, I would just say that, for yourself, you do not wish to be at that activity/get together. Say you're going to study or whatever (whatever you are going to do if you don't do what everyone else is going to do); keep it impersonal. But bad mouthing a third person who isn't there for someone else's benefit, that's not a good idea; you don't know what their relationship is like and everyone has to learn their own lessons. That person may behave totally different around the person you are trying to "warn". If you have decided not to be involved, that's all you can do, your good judgment ends when it is no longer about your own needs.

I know what you mean. I just hate it when it comes to those situations, others try to get me to do stuff that I don't want to do or feel comfortable about doing. That is why I did that. I felt like they needed to know the truth and be able to stand up for themselves as well rather than trying to be too polite and not say anything. Otherwise, I would have kept my mouth shut had they not pulled me into it. But yeah what you said makes sense.

[Nimportequoi]

Hey grad
I think that critical and independently thinking individuals are very valuable for a community. It's a good character trait!
In the specific example you've given, I think you were totally right in the way you reacted. Also, I wouldn't call your behaviour "negative" and that of the other girl "positive". It was just logical you reacted the way you did.... disagreeing for good reasons is not being negative, its being emotionally healthy and not a pushover.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Nimportequoi

Hey grad
I think that critical and independently thinking individuals are very valuable for a community. It's a good character trait!
In the specific example you've given, I think you were totally right in the way you reacted. Also, I wouldn't call your behaviour "negative" and that of the other girl "positive". It was just logical you reacted the way you did.... disagreeing for good reasons is not being negative, its being emotionally healthy and not a pushover.

Thanks, I agree. I feel like I was just being realistic and just didn't want to have someone who was uninvited to be sleeping in my room. Especially someone I didn't consider to be close friends with.

I think there is a place for brutal honesty and a place for sensitivity...it really depends on the circumstances.

In your case, I don't think you were negative as it's your space and you don't need to reason why you don't want someone there...

However (and this is an EXTREME example)....if there is someone who is standing on the edge of the roof and going on about the economy...then NO, you don't agree with them and tell them it's a great idea...

It's just a case of using your best judgement in the situation. And yes..we all mess up trying to do our best, too. Nobody gets it right all of the time.

[rdgrad15]

Yep. I just felt like something needed to be said since I felt like I was being forced into a situation I was not comfortable with. I felt bad in a way but still felt like they needed to know that it wasn't right.