[tabzzz]

I was married for 8 eight years and during the last 3-4 years the marriage was unbearable so I left. Its been almost 3.5 years and the soon to be ex has finally agreed to sign a separation and commence the divorce.

Background:

She was highly dependent on me for everything, she didnt work and i was the bread winner. She was loyal and faithful but we grew up in different parts of the world and had different up bringing. There are no kids, we had a terrible sex life and she was emotionally unstable and and selfish. She always put me last and couldn't make me happy. She wasn't understanding at all and irrational.
She was an introvert. She isolated me from my friends, family and even co workers. She didnt have any family here and very little friends. She wanted to be with me and wanted me all to her self.

I was actually afraid of her most of the time, what i mean is that she would argue, fight, mistreat me most of the time for insignificant things so much that i was always walking on eggshells. Thats why i was afraid.

Now that i've been alone, i've dated other people that cared more about me than she had ever. I'm a pretty good catch and people gravitate to me but i'm finding something wrong with all of them. For some reason i think that life wasn't that bad with my ex. Most guys around me are afraid about their girl cheating on them or had a bad past or are in it for the wrong reasons but I didnt have any of those problems with her.

Now i have a fantastic girl that is almost everything I always wanted. Things are getting serious with her and I and i need to make a decision going forward.
She works, she's fun, and she's smart. I'm attracted to her and we would make a great team. I feel i won't ever love or be in love like i was with my ex.
All things point to having a great future with the current girlfriend but its not that great love story.

A little about the ex, she's been in isolation for the last 3.5 years. Everything i see her or need to discuss something she's crying. Its obvious is so hard for her. She doest go out or do anything. She hasn't moved on or improved herself.
I feel guilty for that, extremely guilty.

Since last week that her lawyer said she had to sign the papers I feel even worse. She said she doesn't want the divorce, didnt want to sign anything and is sorry for everything that she ever did to me. She said i'm a good person and wished things were different. I feel even more guilty now. Her saying she didnt appreciate me or that i was the best thing in her life and that she will never find someone like me ever is making me feel terrible about leaving her.

Now that she's signed the papers and we will be divorced in 2-3 months I'm feeling the worst that i have over the last 3.5 years.. I feel relief that she's signing and we are getting divorced but also feel guilty that I've left her the ex in a depressed state. I'm remember the things that i used love about her and good memories we had. I'm confused now more than ever

Am I missing her or just remember her because its coming to an end??

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by tabzzz

Am I missing her or just remember her because its coming to an end??

I was the problem causing my first wife to break my heart and leave, and she later said she would have followed me anywhere if I had changed. I was the problem again when I left my second wife, but she (now my third wife) was willing to try again after I had come to her of my own accord to let her know I was determined to learn to become a decent husband for her.

Only you can decide your feelings related to your wife, only she can decide to learn to not drive you away and then only you can decide whether to give her that opportunity or to try again with someone else.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Sometimes we don't realize truly how good something was til it is gone...
But also also sometimes it's fear of the unknown. Our past memories both good and bad can be security blankets of our mind...safe and warm...it's hard sometimes to not wish to go back....but no one has invented a time machine yet...so the only option is to choose a path forward or become frozen by fear....
I think if you are feeling regrets maybe you should talk to your ex wife about it...losing someone you once we're in love with is very hard..but depending on the 2 people sometimes a new kinda of love can grow. Not saying romantically necessarily but as friends/ family.
Every situation is different so I don't know if any of that is possible for you and her or not....
It just in my personal view of life...if you had a true deep connection with someone. They always will occupy some part of your heart.. so if there's a way to foster that connection without causing further harm to each other...it's always worth exploring (just my humble opinion) *I am a,hopeless romatic, dreamer and true believer in "happily ever after"**sigh*...sorry if I went off into my own fantasy world there. Pardon the intrusion. But hope whatever path you choice leads you to health and happiness

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

...hopeless romantic, dreamer and true believer in "happily ever after"**sigh*...

Nothing wrong with that as long as we do not ask others to try to live it out on our behalf, eh?!

@tabzzz: Please also pardon me there, and I do hope the very best for you.

To be clear I am in a wonderful relationship. Still, there is one individual I think of - fleetingly - during the holidays. Years ago, back during a wildly manic and adventurous year, I had a thing with a fellow I wanted at the time to be more serious. We spent a pretty intense holiday that year. When I go through my address book each year to compile my greeting card list I come across the entry for him. I will wonder then what he is now up to. I maintain contact with his sister and never once has he come up in conversation. At times, I wish she would. It matters to me that he have his life together and is happy.

[Unrigged64072835]

It's hard to let someone go even though they treated you badly. However, it's up to her to find her own happiness. It sounds like she has some issues she needs to work out on her own. This is nothing to be guilty about. She was way too dependent upon you and that's not how a loving relationship should be.

[MickeyCheeky]

Letting go is hard... but you have to do the best thing for yourself. And I'm confident it's the best thing for her, too

[Baker#88]

I very much miss my ex from my Jr year in high school. There was a chemistry there that I never felt again. Her Dad made us break up and then he moved them all to New Mexico. I have been with my current wife almost 30 years now. But still, I always wonder.

[LifeInProgress]

In many relationships there is both good and bad. I have exes that I still carry a torch for and wonder about what might have been.

I also have exes that I am very glad are exes, even if things never got bad between us.

Relationships are complicated.

I wish you future happiness.

[tabzzz]

thank you all for your words of encouragement and replies.

its the mix of emotions that is getting to me. I will miss what we had and what it could have been and then recall all the heartache and troubles i went through.
I recall telling my sister if i ever told her i wanted to get back with her to remind me how bad it was when i was with her and what I had to endure.

What sucks is that I compare people to her good qualities and think i won't have anyone like that ever again even though the new people in my life have other qualities that are much better than her.

I still don't know am i missing her or just remembering the times we had?

I hope this is just because the end if near. I still feel bad and guilty but I guess her happiness and future is not mine to worry about.

[Yours_Truly]

She was highly dependent on me for everything

during the last 3-4 years the marriage was unbearable

we had a terrible sex life and she was emotionally unstable and and selfish. She always put me last and couldn't make me happy. She wasn't understanding at all and irrational.

She isolated me from my friends, family and even co workers.
She wanted to be with me and wanted me all to her self.

I was actually afraid of her most of the time
she would argue, fight, mistreat me most of the time
i was always walking on eggshells.

These are some serious problems that should be addressed otherwise there's no indication that any of this will be any different in the future if the two of you get back together.

I think your wife would benefit greatly from individual therapy. And before actually getting back together I would first go to couples' counseling.

Most guys around me are afraid about their girl cheating on them or had a bad past or are in it for the wrong reasons but I didnt have any of those problems with her.

So in other words, based on the fear of possible future events, such as being cheated on, which are unknown, you would rather go back to what is predictable, even if unbearable?

I understand that you feel guilty for leaving the relationship while she is depressed, but honestly, you won't be able to alleviate her depression now any more than you could in the past.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life either way, whether you stay or go.

I sincerely wish you the best of all possible outcomes.

[tabzzz]

Originally Posted by Yours_Truly

These are some serious problems that should be addressed otherwise there's no indication that any of this will be any different in the future if the two of you get back together.

I think your wife would benefit greatly from individual therapy. And before actually getting back together I would first go to couples' counseling.


So in other words, based on the fear of possible future events, such as being cheated on, which are unknown, you would rather go back to what is predictable, even if unbearable?

I understand that you feel guilty for leaving the relationship while she is depressed, but honestly, you won't be able to alleviate her depression now any more than you could in the past.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life either way, whether you stay or go.

I sincerely wish you the best of all possible outcomes.

great points thank you.
i guess i just wished things were different thats all. I know everyone is responsible for their own lives and respective happiness.

It's ok to miss someone (and even love someone) that you don't want to be with any longer. You probably ARE confused. I think breakups can really pull some emotions out of us and make us second guess. It seems to me that possibly a divorce could be like that too. A breakup on steroids. Because it takes longer and you have to do the legal thing. I can't tell you what you should do, and you probably are experiencing grief and I know you said guilt. You sound like a good and kind person. The fact that you said you also feel relief about her signing the divorce papers though, is telling to me.

In terms of the woman you are seeing right now, it sounds great and very promising. It sounds a little like you are really kind of stuck on your ex because you said you don't feel love like you felt for her. I wonder if every relationship is a different kind of love. I'm not that relationship experienced to know. But you might need to take it slow with new partner / lover, to get your head straight.

In terms of missing her VS just remembering her, maybe it's both. and maybe that's ok. I had a conversation with someone recently about how toxic people, are not always bad people (though in the past it sounds like she was not very nice to you at times). And what toxic means, is just that someone isn't right for you any longer.

Trust your gut. You are having a lot of emotions right now, but you will be ok.

I see that you responded to the thread, but hopefully this is helpful somewhat.