Mental Illness as grounds for child custody termination?

This has been on my mind...a lot. In October I gave birth to a stillborn baby girl. Now, I dream every day about having another baby. But I can't even enjoy those dreams because I'm afraid that, if I got over my first nightmare and my child was born healthy, CPS might take him or her away from me.

The reason? Back when I was pregnant with Angel I read a manual for CPS in my state (TN) to try and alleviate my fears. It did the opposite, because there was a list for reasons for termination of parental rights. And mental illness was listed. Somehow, I don't know how, this isn't a violation of the ADA and it's okay to discriminate against parents with mental illness, because some people who abused/neglected their children happened to have a mental illness. In my eyes, it's equally as bigoted and wrong as listing a race or religion as grounds for termination.

I won't lie, my mental health history isn't pretty. I've been hospitalized 26 times since I was 16. I've never had any legal or drug issues. Before I attempted to have another baby, I would make sure I had a stable place for us to live. I would make sure I had everything the baby needed (I actually saved the things I had for my daughter). I would make sure i had a plan in place to stay out of the hospital. I would continue to take my medication and attend appointments. I would have done anything for my daughter and that applies to any future children I have as well.

But it would only take for me to make someone mad, or for someone to be irrationally concerned (I read on a message board CPS was called on a mother when all she did was bundle her baby up and take him for a walk in the cold) and Cps to get their hands on my mental health records. Then everything that matters to me could be stolen.

What I also don't understand is that if I was to say I wanted to be an astronaut and fly to the moon, I would have support. People would help me with the steps needed to reach my goal. But when I talk about wanting to be a mother, no one wants to hear it. Even if I say the progress I'm making in my life is so I can be a good parent someday, that's not okay either. Which doesn't make any sense because way more people have successfully raised children (even with MI) than they have flown to the moon. And nothing anyone says makes me want a child any less.

I wish there was some way to reassure myself that so long as I'm able to properly care and protect my future children there is no danger of them being kidnapped by CPS.

Hi there,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. I can only imagine how hard that is... At the same time, I personally think it's a good sign that you are giving thought to "What if I have another child" because it shows that your pain hasn't made you bitter and giving up on life!
I agree with you that it doesn't seem right for CPS to get involved solely because of a mental illness. I also know that at least for me, many of my worries and fears don't come to pass. Do you think that could be true for you? I also know -- at least here in my state, CPS workers are pretty swamped with work, AND, it takes a LOT for them to take a child away from a parent. But I understand your fears as I had them too when I wanted to have a baby.
I have been hospitalized multiple times for major depression, anxiety, ptsd and suicidal thoughts as well as several tries. Do you have a therapist you see regularly? Maybe he or she could be of help in this area regarding the probability of your fear coming true.
Personally, I think you have done everything right, everything you CAN do to put plans in place for self care. You sound like you'd be a responsible, loving and protective mommy who has the insight to know what your symptoms are and would ask for help rather than put a child at risk!

One of the factors authorities will consider is what kind of supports do you have?

As you have a history of hospitlaization they will look at what supports you have in place should this happen again. In addition they will look at your employment/financial situation and whether that is stable. Specifically should you find yourself hospitalized again. Consider now what arrangments you need to make beforehand for situations that might arise. Supports too can mean things like access to your mental health needs.

Having a healthy child sounds wonderful. If you make plans and put things in place now I don't see any reason why it shouldn't work out. Again though, the key is to work ahead and have these supports well before a child's arrival.

I want to reach out and give you a hug for your loss. I am sorry to have learned of it.

In addition they will look at your employment/financial situation and whether that is stable.[/QUOTE]

This is also what I'm afraid of...I'm currently on disability. I can't say for certain if I would still be on it, but I know with my daughter I had no support from my family therefore I would not have had child care.

My mother raised me on disability but she received it for HIV, not mental illness so I'm sure that makes a difference.

This is also what I'm afraid of...I'm currently on disability. I can't say for certain if I would still be on it, but I know with my daughter I had no support from my family therefore I would not have had child care.

My mother raised me on disability but she received it for HIV, not mental illness so I'm sure that makes a difference.[/QUOTE]

If this is something you want you need to plan for it extensively. Again, what arrangements would you have in place beforhand should you need a hospitalization? Also, prepare yourself a budget as soon as you can of what you need to raise a child. Prepare now in advance for emergency and contigency plans. It is not having these things in place that raise the red flags regarding decisions on custody.

If you have mental illness and it causes you to abuse or neglect the child, then you would be at risk. If you have TREATED mental illness that alleviates those symptoms and you have enough insight into your problem to ask for additional help if needed (for treatment), you would run a very low risk of losing custody.

Anyone can place an anonymous call to CPS about anything. Actually losing your child to them is a completely different thing.

An example from my own life, my next-door neighbor had a toddler. I found the toddler walking around on the 2nd floor of our building by herself in a diaper. I knew where she lived so when I took her next door, the door was open, no adult was in the apartment. I took the child into my apartment and called the police, CPS was also called and about an hour later the mother showed up, had gone to the store and left the girl at home asleep by herself. She must have opened the door herself and walked out.

CPS did not remove the child, although they should have. They did come back to make visits periodically.

Also, a person who wsnts to be an astronaut has to be capable THEMSELVES of passing all the physical & even mental stability tests that are required for space travel. There is NO ONE in the world that can give them the kind of support that gets them through the education, the training & the ability to pass the tests required to SUCCESSFULLY become an astronaut. There are MORE scrubbed out of the program than the few successful ones we actually see.

I wish there was more requirements placed on people to prove they were capable of caring for a baby before they even got pregnant. There would be less abused & neglected children who end up dealing with mental illness because of it...but that will never happen & most dont even bother to think sbout it seriously as you are doing.

Everything you hsve been told about having a good suppirt system around you IS CRITICAL because with your track record of hospitalizations, if your MI becomes unstable & you end up having to go into the hospital again with no where for your baby to end up....how responsible of a parent would that really be?

Having a baby to care for as a single parent is hardenough without having a mental illness..the added stress could only end up aggrevating the MI condition. Disability brings in money but even with the extra that the child gets from it too, its hardly enough to live on if the amount wasnt based in a high salary career before hand. Love is important but so is what a child can be provided. I resented my mom for not even being able to drive because I couldnt be involved in activities that the other kids around me were doing. There wasn't even any MI involved on my Mom's situation though Im now sure there had to be in my dad's though back in those days MI wasnt known about that much.

You are wise to think about these things & to be aware of the NEEDS that are critical for providing GOOD PARENTING to a child especially planning on it being a single parent situation.

Know how difficult it was to lose your baby & the grief you are still dealing with. Focusing on your own wellness & stability might be the wisest thing at this point in your life.

Can I ask how old you are?

Do you have a steady partner/husband? Does he work as to be able to provide for the child, food, medical, etc?

How long has it been since your last hospitalization?

This is a factor I had not thought of. What is the status of the father and his ability to support you and a child? Is this a steady relationship? Or are you wanting to raise a child on your own. If this is the case the father still ought to be financially responsible for his child/ren. Also, if you are wanting to raise a child on your own I think you ought to be evaluating your reasons why and discussing this with a professional.

I'm 23...

I'm not currently in a relationship. If I don't find the right person in a certain amount of time my plan is to find a donor who is willing to co parent with me.

Some people may disagree with this way of raising a child, but I don't believe there is one way to parent and much of it is a matter of opinion. I also am a proponent of attachment parenting and don't believe in gender stereotypes...So I would need to find a partner who saw eye to eye with me on this.

The last time I was in the hospital was in December, however I was also homeless at that time and had just lost my daughter. (She was NOT planned, btw). As I said before I would not purposely have a child until I was in my own stable home. If I had a physical illness that needed hospitalization, I would be less likely to lose my child over that. Doesn't seem fair.

The majority of people with MI who abuse/neglect their children are untreated. Thats why I don't believe it should be on that list. And I will likely never drive (I use public transportation) but kids can end up resenting their parents for ANYTHING. Not having a car is not neglect if the parent is able to get the child to school, doctor's appointments, etc.

And my reasons for wanting to raise a child are the same as anyone else's. I may want to do it alone if I dont find someone I actually love (else I would en up getting married for that sole reason). I don't think that needs discussing with a professional just because I have a mental illness.

It wouldn't matter, because I will always have a mental illness. And I'm still going to have a child. He or she will be fed, clothed, loved, educated and have a safe roof over their head. If all of those things are done, regardless of how I do them CPS has no business in my life, IMO

I say talk to a professional about your wishes because that's the responsible thing to do.

Well I have discussed it with my therapist, who agreed it's best to wait until I'm more stable.

My point here, was that regardless of how stable I am, I will always have that history.

Yes you will, but as I mentioned in an earlier post, with planning and preparation, you can improve the situation and improve your chances of such a decision going your way.

Has it ever occurred to you that despite your conceptions of your rights and entitlements, your condition renders you manifestly unqualified to take responsibility for the lifetime care and upbringing of a child? Your self-centeredness is remarkable.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

When you plan for a child you cannot plan for a healthy child. You get the child you can get and that needs to be included in your plan. Can you as a single parent without much of support, take care of a disabled child? I am sorry but many parents are shocked when their children are not born healthy and will need a lot of assistance. If you are not ready for this, you're not ready for a child. By you, I mean anyone.

That is definitely something I would need to consider.

I have been trying to think about how to say this, because I don't want to hurt your feelings, but Lefty has made, while blunt, a good point.

You want a child for you, but you're not thinking about what kind of life you're able to give that child. You think it's normal or okay to raise a child on disability and that will somehow provide you with enough money to raise a child for 18 years and then send the child to college. Parents usually want to give their children better than what they had. Living on disability and not having reliable transportation, how will you take your child to soccer practice or ballet class or the zoo or anything and how will you be able to afford any of that? My parents each worked full time and still struggled to give me all the things I needed to excel in music and the arts. I had a full scholarship to college, but they still had to borrow money to help me afford housing at college.

I feel like your desire to have a child is a lot like a child who wants a puppy who is interested in the puppy for a little while, but then stops feeding the dog or letting it out and the parents have to take care of it.

Also, if you're on SSDI, and want to raise your child on welfare, I'm sorry, why is it my responsibility to pay for your child through my taxes?

I'm not saying don't ever have a child, I just don't think you want one at this point in time for the right reasons or that you are mature enough to have one at this point. And if you were hospitalized back in December...shouldn't you try to have gone at least like, I don't know, 2 years, since your last hospitalization before you consider getting into a relationship and having a child? So you know you're at a certain level of stabilization?

There's an old mantra: you'll know you're ready if you can adopt a plant, and keep the plant alive for a year. Then adopt a pet, and keep the pet alive for a year, then you would be ready for a relationship and a child.

Besides being emotionally and mentally stable, you need to be financially stable and be able to afford all the things that a child needs. How will you afford healthcare for the child? Are you expecting to go on welfare for the healthcare? I'm not against welfare for emergency situations and a safety net, but if you are planning to have your child and use welfare as your means of caring for it, that's just irresponsible. Especially since you can never count on how those programs may change or be defunded.

Honestly, I think you are grieving over the many things that have happened to you this past year and you are focusing on a desire to have a baby as a way to not deal with those emotions. A baby is not going to fix any of those problems. A baby is not going to fix grief. A baby is not going to fix loneliness. A baby is not going to fix the other emotional turmoil you are going through.

I apologize if this analysis is hurtful, but I say it because I care and I think you would be making a big mistake by having a baby any time in the near future. A mistake for your own health and the baby's.

Seesaw

Deleted.

Anna, regarding your concern about CPS, unless the child is in physical danger, I doubt you will have any kind of problem. But what I said stands, I think you should wait. Put a plan in place to work your way through therapy and your finances and find your own home and then you will work on building your family. You have plenty of time, and it's perfectly fine to have that be part of your life goals: to have a family. You just have different barriers to overcome to get to that goal. And you will.

Seesaw

You are right, you will always have a history. But if you continue all the good progress you have made, get into working, get financially stable, continue to be mentally and emotionally stable, you will have no problem having and raising a baby.

Plenty of people have histories, turn their lives around, and then have a baby. You will do it too.

Seesaw

I think everyone needs some chocolate cake. Let's all make peace over it.

Anna, self-centered was not a good choice of words (and they were not mine), as I said, I think part of your desire to have another baby so soon is a quick fix for the grief that you feel over the huge traumas you've been through this past year.

It's too bad you can't do something like volunteer at a church daycare or even work at a daycare to get your baby fix for a while until you are ready yourself to have another baby.

seesaw

The only problem with daycares is that they usually want someone with experience or some type of training, but if everything goes as planned I'm going back to school in June and maybe I will take a course pertaining to that.

I also want to look into church nurseries, I wasn't sure I'd be able to, because I don't currently belong to a church.

If you are unstable, withdrawing from courses could be an additional issue. I would suggest waiting on school until your more stable as well.