Reflection on my social isolation

Today I reflected on why I am so isolated socially, and that people avoid me. Yes, it is because of my father. But what is clear to me now is that my father's criticism stemmed from his flawed thinking. He has this twisted thought that if you talk to people then you give them value, and this lessens your value. So, every time I tried to engage with someone socially, he intervened and criticized me for doing so because he thought we are better than others. To this day, my father still watches with whom I am talking and what I am talking. It bothers me a lot, but I cannot find a way out of this situation without confronting him. I didn't talk to him for a week after he made a remark and criticized me, but he still does it. I think inside me I have the tendency to engage with people and ask them questions. Yes, I ask naive questions and make naive remarks, but I haven't practiced long enough to sharpen my social skills and developing confidence. It is not exactly a revelation, because I knew all the way long that my social inadequacy was because of my father's criticism, but what is clear to me now is that his criticism was not because I was doing something wrong (I don't think others talk about important stuff confidently all the time), but because he has the wrong idea about others and human interactions and what gives a person a real value. Unfortunately, I still cannot escape the reality that he still criticizes me, and that I am still afraid to engage with others (because of that). To be honest, I don't know what is the value of this, but I wanted to write it and share it. Thanks for reading.

Give yourself credit for such a huge realization. To be able to recognize your father's error in thinking and see clearly how that has affected your current thinking and behavior... that's huge. Many people go their entire lives without questioning things.

You seem like a very self aware person. Give your mind and emotions time to absorb this realization and then decide what your next step should be. It doesn't have to be anything big.

Even just deciding to deal with people on your own terms and not your father's is a pretty big step.

I think you are pretty amazing to realize this and be willing to take steps to improve your thinking.

May I ask how your father is even able to still monitor who and what you converse with and about?

Basically, I don't go out because I have no friends. The only way I will be around people is either when people visit us like relatives (currently I live with my parents), or when there is a social occasion like a wedding, and in both cases my father will be there. But even if I am alone, which was the case for 7 years while I was abroad studying and working, the fear that was instilled in me prevented me from socializing, because I felt I am inadequate socially because all of the years I was criticized by my father on everything I said or did.

I always wondered about the idea and situation that would allow or teach social interaction courses. I will be returning online for 3 courses and should have my Bachelors in science by dec. Please pray everyone that i can do it well. now about your problem, there are also day treatment programs in alot of places maybe you could attend until and to learn to socialise? I went for 8 years to one and finally it just began to make sence and i got used to talking and even teaching others what i learned from them.good luck!!

Perhaps go out to public places that are considered to be relatively social. Parks, churches, book stores, bars (just dont get drunk or talk to a drunk so you both are aware of whats going on), etc

You don't need to tell your dad where you are going and if you do happen to make a friend, you can talk by internet, text, or phone while away and figure out when to meet each other next either that way or in person when you see them. That way your dad doesn't get involved and it can take that pressure off.

As far as being social - I don't even have the guts to walk up to someone just to strike up a conversation. I can walk up to them to ask directions or etc. but that's it. So, you may or may not want to wait for someone else to say hi to you. Waiting can be frustrating bc there is no guarantee it will happen and if it doesn't it doesn't necessarily mean there is something wrong with you, just that for whatever reason they didn't even think to talk to you. Saying hi first can be scary because you dont know if you will get the cold shoulder or a hi in response and if you do get a hi, then you have to figure out how to lead off the conversation.

Probably best thing to do would be to be either slightly complimentary, be funny, or just be light and easy with the conversation. Each choice would depend on the situation.

For example - if you are at a church talking to someone, you wouldn't want them thinking you were being flirtatious or a clown (at least not on first meeting, its ok to "let your hair down" later, but first meetings set the biggest impressions generally) so you would want to just keep the conversation light and easy. If you were at a bar trying to pick up someone to date, or just to dance with, you may want to either be funny or complimentary, though light and easy conversation can still work too.

Slightly complimentary would be off-hand compliments based on things you notice while speaking to them, rather than just pouring on the charm with things like "you have beautiful eyes". Those more charming comments can wait for a second or third meeting or even an hour or two into the conversation of the first meeting - just not as an opening line or conversation piece. But things like "wow! You are really good at ___" or asking about things you notice the other person doing (that wouldn't embarass or be awkward) "how do you manage to do that? I could never do that if I tried" is complimentary and inviting further conversation. And being funny - is more than telling the basic joke, but taking the situation at hand and generally making light either of the situation or of your mistake.

Those are ways of being social - does that help any?

You seem to be very intelligent - just scared n shy. Once you get past that, you will be fine. ❤

Did you come to tish conclusion on your own? Either way, kudos to you Perhaps this is going to be the first step.. you never know..

Agree with Mickey....this is an important step and one I remember clearly from my own young adulthood.

I challenged "We don't do that". Then I started to separate myself from the "we".

I am not saying that I was rebellious or that the criticism didn't hurt, because I was, and always will, be a "good" daughter .

But I accepted that I didn't have to THINK like they do. They could control in all sorts of ways, but they can't control my thoughts and opinions.

Thank you for sharing your own journey with us, here....

I am so happy for you that you have figured this out - thank you for sharing with us, and I have every faith in your ability to move even further forward.