The Value of Solitude

I have found that relationships tend to make it harder to cope. I have never been in one where I was stable.

When I was alone, I got stable for the first time in my life, and did very well for myself.

These patterns have been distinct. Is this true for anyone else? If so, how have you reconciled your fate? I have pondered a good long while about my own future, so I'd be excited to hear how others are coping with their asexuality.

I am on the same boat. After a decade of solitude, a lot of scientific and academic reading, I have come to the conclusion that not everyone is meant to have a partner. Some people are better off staying single and without a partner. I believe that I am one of them.
My issue is not merely not having a sexual drive. My issue goes deeper than that. Being in a relationship, while can potentially provide a loving and a healing environment, creates more anxiety for me. I lose my balance and go off track.
I am much better of being single and surrounded by my solitude. This is not to say that I do not want to have a healthy relationship but it is very hard to find and I am willing to put absolutely no effort into finding one that is worth sacrificing my solitude.
You know how they say ‘you will find it when you aren’t looking for it?’ It is absolutely not true. I have never looked and that is a perfect path to staying in my solitude.
To close off, i have to also add that being in a relationship helps with personal development and maturity. But, navigating life alone and in solitude does also have a very valuable role in developing resilience and self sufficiency.

Yes, I have gone through much the same sort of experimentation myself. I have determined that taking care of myself is already a full time job, let alone being there 100% for someone else. I found my emotions became volatile and my anxiety and fear of abandonment grew tremendously.

Fortunately, being alone isn't problematic as it might be for someone who takes pleasure in companionship. I have always been more negatively affected by relationships than positively, so, lesson learned on that one.

I am glad to hear I'm not alone. I'm definitely not resentful or down about any of that. Being alone means I get to be healthy and have a full life. Every time I was with someone else I got unstable, even suicidal. I know what works for me, and I want to hear how you are all coping with your feelings. Do you ever feel sad or regret being alone? I do sometimes, but then I just remember what I have been through. How much I have hurt in the past.

Yes, I do, at times, miss loving someone and being loved, and I certainly miss being a team. However, This is the consequence of being single and choosing not to be in a relationship. Do I regret this decision? Not at all because it is a very conscious decision. Let me put it this way:
Every morning, I do my morning ritual (mediation and writing) from 5 to 7am ( although i have been slacking at this due to my intense morning depression). Then, I work 8 to 10 hours. And afterwards, I spend about 90 mins at the gym. In summary, I am usually done with my day around 9pm.
On the weekends, I workout and afterwards do volunteering for about four hours. Or go for a hike or read. Or catch up with cleaning, laundry, etc.
I have dinner with friends once a week.
And, the most important task of it all is to manage my anxiety, depression and behavior. Meaning, my limited energy goes to navigating life and accomplishing the above tasks while managing the constant lack of energy and motivation created by depression and anxiety.
You see, none of the tasks mentioned above are something to be sacrificed or rescheduled. Each task serves a purpose and help me function without suffering more than usual.
However, if I am in a relationship, I might end up skipping my scheduled workouts (even one is too many), or skip my nightly journaling or morning meditation sessions, or cancel dinner with friends or alter my healthy diet habits to meet my partner’s. And, in my humble opinion, any alteration to my routine is a mistake with consequences to my mental health.
The imbalance created by a relationship gives me anxiety. Besides, I really enjoy my solitude. Only a very harmonious relationship can make me consider sacrificing time from my daily routine and solitude.

Not everyone has to have a relationship - you have to do what do you think it's best for yourself and your own health.

I have a physical and psychological need to touch other humans. During the worst 15 years of my depressive state, I denied the need. During my more salient moments I would say that I had no functioning libido, explain that I had no need of companionship.

As when I was turned into a newt, “I got better.”

I have never been so happy to fall asleep with a lover held close, as now. I could not wish for a more intimate intimacy, as now. If you ask, “do you need her?,” I would not have shouted a more emphatic “yes!” than now.

I am old. These situations are not as complex. Needs are acknowledged and met, or forgotten. What we want has taken on an urgency that it lacked, back from so close to the brink.

I am old. These situations are not as complex. I want my sun-scarred lover, now. I want the nipple-of-the-small-sagging-breast. We accommodate. We are more casual and honest than when we were young (and much less naive).

My asexuality was false; yours may be true. I had to reconnect - touch fingertip-to-fingertip - first, but then I raged for a while. I still rage on occasion.

No, I need others and I want some to be close. I am old enough to know the dangers.

I made a mistake of getting married. I have stuck it out for 27 years, but it has done little for me. He works on the road which makes me alone a lot and I am happy that way. I like to do what I like to do when I want to do it. Also, I don't care for sex and never have. I am not a physical person.

I wouldn't say I'm asexual, but I feel that relationships can be a burden during difficult times. Or at least, dating and meeting new people can, because there's nothing stable about that.

I would hope that a marriage partnership would fare better in supporting each other during hard times, but the grass is always greener.

I was single for a couple years after a particularly hard relationship. Thinking about how much we hurt each other due to our problems made me feel so guilty and afraid of trying again.

In a way, this is simply a discussion on symptom prevention. For some people, a relationship can be a thing that fills a void and provides emotional nourishment. For others, it can create imbalance and bring recognition to a fractured self.

At least for me, relationships made my own underdeveloped aspects and self-created inadequacies more apparent. I don't mean that in a negative sense, but thinking more about how I can continue to improve as a developing human.

Maybe we can concede that at different times in our lives, we transition from needing companionship to not, and then on again. We develop as individuals during our lives and, occasionally, that leads us to be alone and other times to seek the arms of someone who is there for you in some meaningful way. Personally, I see more turbulence than tranquility down that road, and it is encouraging to hear how other people are struggling with that lifestyle choice.

I am lonely, but enjoy being alone. I wouldn't be lonely if I had furkids but I cannot have any right now due to housing problems. Once I get settled....if ever...I will get another furkid.

We have a HOUSE FULL of "furkids" (and feathers ad scales and fins) It is one of the painfully few things we have in common.

I chose to move in with my elderly parents and care for them as they get older. My dad is already handicapped from stenosis surgery and needs constant care. I have a furry friend who lives here too, and usually have always had one in my life at whatever interval.

Point being, if you recognize you want a life of solitude in a personal sense, it does not mean you have to literally isolate yourself from all others. Solitude is a state of mind, not a literal thing. Internally, you are confident that you don't need or want anyone but yourself.

I do recommend pets though, whether alive or digital or whatever. Something that obligates you to care is a good thing to help repel incessant depression.

Huh? Are there digital pets?

Yeah they have pets in objects that are as big as key chain fobs and I imagine things get more elaborate with research. But its the same as a real pet, it needs food, attention. Just google it, there's all sorts of stuff out there.

Here's a wikipedia link

In the 90's, early 2000's... EVERYONE had the "Giga-pets. I had four of them. We had them at work. Grown adults, yes. You fed them when they squealed, cured them when they were sick, etc.