[Kezzie]

I am totally confused at the moment. I have started obsessing about someone who I haven't had contact with for over 33 years. They are now very succesful and high profile in the local business community and I came accross a video of them online recently and it opened up my memory banks and released immense sadness about the relationship ending very suddenly.

I have had an overwhelming urge to contact them but really fear being rejected again after all this time. I know I should leave well enough alone but I am totally confused as to why this person is in my head now after all this time.

I know that this is wierd and probaly unhealthy but I seem to actually want to replace our last encounter with a more positive one.

I know I am in a vulnerable place right now as my mother passed away in July aged 92 after I had cared for her through the last years of her life with dementia.

Very, very confused.

Kezzie

[bebop]

I think at some point we all go thru the "what if's". especially when we are in a down frame of mind. it is normal I think.

[Kezzie]

Thanks bebop and I do understand about "what ifs" with my head.

What is strange is that this not something I have obsessed over for the last 33 years. Which is why I think I am confused about it.

[bebop]

maybe it was a good relationship at the time. not sure of your age when you were in that relationship but my son is 30 now and still at times goes back in his mind to those days of an old girlfriend and what might have been. it was a good relationship at 16/17. maybe a first love kind of thing.

[Kezzie]

Oooh yes it was just before my eigtheenth bitrthday it was a wonderful relationship that simply ended with out warning by their choice not mine.

I am now 51 years old and I am shocked that seeing this person on video after such a long time caused such a strong reaction.

[bebop]

oh I am sure hon! I think if I saw an old flame that had made something of himself like that I would probably be feeling the same way as you!

[sabby]

(((((((((((((((( Kezzie )))))))))))))))

I know exactly what you are going through and feeling. I too had a deep high school romance with a man and we were out of touch for 30 years or so. We have been chatting again and even met up 2 years ago.

I can say that before meeting him again, I had dreams of how it used to be and what it could be now, regardless of the fact that we are both married etc. It's ok to think about what could have been....but I can say this, after our meeting face to face after so many years, I realized that what we had was wonderful at the time...but would never have withstood the years of adulthood. We broke up for a reason .....because it wasn't meant to be! That's not to say that folks don't meet up after many years to find out they are still the ones for each other....but many times it doesn't work out that way.

I'm glad we had the chance to see each other face to face. It put everything into perspective for me. I realized just how much I loved my husband and how I would never put our relationship in jeopardy. I realized that my ex b/f grew in a different direction from me.....we would never be able to recapture what we once had because it wasn't meant to be anything more than a young love...a basis to grow on.

That's my experience for what it's worth. I care about this guy as a friend and nothing more. Even though he wants more (he's newly seperated from his wife), I will never go down that road. I have too much to loose if I do.

Wishing you well!

Hugsss
sabby

33 years ago, who left whom and why? maybe thats where the answer you are looking for is hidden.

[Kezzie]

Thats heaps guys for your thoughts on this issue.

I have been puzzling this as well and I doubt if I will contact him. I think what really threw me for loop was hearing their voice on the video and it is still exactly the same. I have no logical reason to contact him.

I am telling myself the right things. Yes it was just a high school romance and yes it was good but it ended at their choice out of the blue one day, and I have never had contact with them since that day.

Hoping my logic will kick in completely soon. It is good that this happened on the weekend as the contact number with the video is for his business (I think).

logic kicks in for most of us, its how you deal with it that matters.

[eskielover]

I know that sometimes I just like to get in contact with people from my past & it's ok if you don't put any expectations on it or just want to find out how they are doing.

The only time one can get hurt from the contact is if you are expecting more out of the contact that just communicating with them.

I actually enjoy meeting people from my past & chatting about past fun times together. PC has helped this happen with a friend from college that I had lost touch with over the years, so it isn't something I would discourage. I would make sure I understood what my expectations were & if I could get hurt by them before making the contact however....something only you can know.

Debbie

[Kezzie]

Thanks for your reply Eskie lover. I also understand what you are saying as I recently had contact with another high school friend who I hadn't seen for nearly 30 years (she used to sit across from me in home room) and it was with no expectations and it was great to reminisce about our shooldays and catch up a bit on our lives.

I also am a bit of family history buff and ealier this year found and made contact with cousins who did not know our family existed, but that is another story in itself. It did have a positive outcome though and we exchanged phone calls, emails and family photos.

I think I would be best to sit on this idea of making contact for a while and really examine my motives for wanting it. Perhaps I was just feeling low at the time I came accross the video and hoped that his wonderful sense of humour would make me feel better.

I must add that your Henry David Thoreau quote has made my day. I have printed it out and am reading it often...

Thanks again!!

so what you are saying is you are no better of from what you were 30 years ago, under what definition of progress are you classing this under?

[Kezzie]

Sorry mellors, you've lost me. I have no idea what you are trying to ask me!!

[Kezzie]

Problem solved thanks to the quote below. I do not need to make contact after all...

"The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done."
- Mother Teresa

so you did get my point, granted it was after you asked yourself the question i presented, glad someone gets it

[Kezzie]

Your welcome mellors, thanks for pushing me to work it out for myself!!!

Now if only I could figure out how to change my confused face into a smilie one...

[Doh2007]

Maybe it's easier to focus on this person than have to keep remembering the loss of a loved one.

I hope your pain eases.

[Kezzie]

I don't think that the death of my mother has entered into this in big way. It was expected and a truely released her from a life of sadness and suffering.

I do think that perhaps there is some healing going on with me though.

Last night in my somewhat sleep deprived state (insomnia) I moved from a feeling of sadness to some anger at the way that I had been treated 33 years ago. I kept thinking 'I did not deserve to be treated in that manner' and now feel that I had internalised the rejection as a belief that I was somehow unworthy.

Wow this is kind of amazing that I am seeing it more clearly with each passing day.

[eskielover]

It is sad when we internalize feelings of being unworthy just because a relationship doesn't turn out the way we wanted it to. I found that in my young relationships, I never focused on any one of them. They were friendships that passed through my life as experiences for growth & learning & being able to care for people. Actually some turned into friendships that I kept even after I was married....maybe because I looked at the relationships as friendships & nothing more. I never allowed any one relationship to have control over me.....to make me feel that I was any less of a person because they or I chose not to have the relationship go past a good friendship level.

I learned when I was a child that guys were just like any other person. I wanted to be accepted by them as a person. I grew up in a neighborhood of only guys & as an only child, they were my playmates....going to each other's doors to see it they could come out to play. My being accepted by guys was always just that.....getting along & enjoying doing things together. Sure, there were guys that I was attracted to & they didn't care for me in that way, & there were guys that were attracted to me & I didn't care about in that way. If it got in the way of being friends, then we passed by on our way through life & that's just the way life goes. I actually had many guy friends that stayed friends long after I was married.

The point is that I didn't need to be "wanted" by a guy to make me feel valuable or worthy. I found that having them accept me as a friend, just as they would another guy, without all the physical crap to get in the way, was what made me feel valuable & worthy as being a person. To me, this feeling had to be a the base of any relationship in the first place. If it grew into something more....great.....if it didn't.....that's no big deal......I had a friend & that was much more valuable anyway. In other words, there was no rejection possible in situations like this......& no way that anyone could make me feel unworthy or less of a person because we our lives were just passing by if they didn't care to be friends.

It is sad when anyone can have that kind of power for that length of time (yes, you haven't been feeling this way all along....just now, looking back, after seeing him again). But these must have been your feeling at the time also otherwise they probably wouldn't have come back the way they did. Ships passing in the night ( friends that turn into acquaintances) is how I have always viewed men like that.

Another attitude that has always kept me centered also is that things happen the way they are ment to happen & when we have to force something to be.....then it shouldn't be & it's not because I am less of a person than anyone else....it's just the way things go in life & it's really no big deal anyway.

Sometimes we have to go back & look at the way we are looking at life around us....then & now & why in the world are we still looking at life the way we did when we were 18? We should have learned how to deal & accept things that happen in life as just that "things that happen" & not based on who or what kind of person we are.

Hope these thoughts might help some,
Debbie

[Kezzie]

Thanks eskielover. All thoughts help.

I think that there was also sadness for the loss of a friendship. We were friends first. It just ended in 30 seconds and I did not even have an opportunity to really understand why.

This was a larger than life personality who made people happy. I was a little shy not the out going type. I have no doubt that it was not meant to be and also believe that things happen for a reason.

Obviously I internalised some of it as I never spoke to anyone about it.