[cool09]

...in the 90's. And I still can't get the bad experience out of my head. The staff never did anything to help me and I was in bad shape. We were forced to go to a low-functioning day program and the Dr. there was atrocious. He had everyone on anti-psychotics including myself. He didn't even consult with me and he said I had breaks with reality which wasn't true. I felt walked on. The staff even insulted me. Why didn't the staff help me when they had the chance? I went on to get off SSDI and work FT for a law firm and the Air Force before relapsing again.

I am sorry you didn't get the help you needed. That is supposed to be the point of a halfway house. Hugs.

[Taylor27]

So sorry you didn't get the help and support there like your suppose to in half way homes

[amandalouise]

here where I am half way houses are not meant to be places where you get treatment. its where you stay while continuing your already set up treatment plans that you had before you move there. its a step down from full inpatient care.. a self sufficiency program where you do everything on your own. they just have staff there in case a problem arises.

examples

a paroled person goes from prison to a half way house to live. while at the half way house they have to continue to meet with their parole officer that was set up before they left prison, they have to continue meeting with their doctors / therapists/ psychiatrists that were set up for them before they left prison, they have to continue with any medications that they were put on while in prison.

A drug addict who has been released from a drug treatment facility will go to a half way house to live. they continue with their NA,AA programs, they continue meeting with their therapists and psychiatrists that were set up already before their release from rehab, they continue to work their jobs or look for work....they continue taking their medications that were previously set up for them before they left rahab.

A person who was in a mental facility here where I am gets released from the faility to the half way house, at the half way house they have to continue with their treatment plans that have already been set up for them, their meds that have already been set up for them, and attend any classes / groups that are required if any are optional they can choose to attend or not.

maybe you can do some research and locate that place you were in and ask them questions like why they did things like they did for you, ask to see your file with them, ask how and why you ended up in their home.

maybe they can answer your questions so that you can finally have some peace of mind / closure so to speak around what happened back when you were in that place.

[cool09]

I just don't see how anyone with a conscious mind could stand by and watch my housemates and I go downhill and just exist the way we did. I lived with schizophrenics and I believe I was labeled one, too (the Community Services Dr. never told me what he thought and never consulted with me but prescribed schizophrenic medication for me). I told him I wanted off of the medication and he told me No. I went to the halfway house after I had ECT and couldn't function anymore. I'll never have closure for this, I just have to live with it.

[Albatross2008]

It has been my experience that sometimes programs designed to "help" don't really do that. Instead they keep you dependent and prevent you from taking steps to get healthier. When I was on disability and wanted to work, I can't count the number of times I was advised not to make too much money, or I'd lose my monthly assistance. Um, that was the point. I was trying to get to where I didn't *need* the assistance anymore.

But think about it, if everybody they took care of got better and didn't need them anymore, where would that leave *their* jobs? And/or, where it would it leave their sense of importance and feeling needed? So do they really want us to get better? For a lot of them, I think, the answer is no, not really.

Those situations are hard to get up out of. I lived in a halfway house also. I've noticed that whatever the going rate is for the disability check, that's about what they charge for room and board. So after you've paid it, you don't have anything left over, and you can't save enough to move out on your own.

[continuosly blue]

Some very good suggestions have already been made. All I would like to add is why are you still hung up on something that happened in the 90’s ? That’s the kind of stuff you must move on from , although I sympathize with you greatly.
Some of the things I went through back in the day were truly terrifying , actually I can also say very recently.
It can alter your life forever. Take it from me though , living in the past will only keep you there. Traumatic events in life can change you forever. But they need to make you stronger, not weakened for life. It’s also being stigmatized by some looney toons doctor. The wrong meds , hell I’ve been dealing with that for many years. And the list goes on. My main point here is to say that , and this is just for me , therapy and mentalization is what’s helping me today. I try and live in the present.
It takes practice but whenever those intrusive negative thoughts pop into my head I do all I can to replace them with concentration on the moment at hand.
Make a gratitude list. There has to be something you can be grateful for now.
Wishing you the best......

[Open Eyes]

Hi cool09, sorry that this experience you had in your past causes you to struggle "now" even though you have made so much progress in gaining your independence and have been able to work and be a lot more self sufficient in your life.

Keep in mind that back in the 90's treatments for challenges were lacking compared to now. The overall knowledge about different challenges people have are understood a lot better "now" then back in the 90's when yes often patients were treated with medications and antipsychotic medications were used much more than they should have been and are not used as much now as back then.

The important thing to embrace "now" is that while the program you did end up experiencing was poor and even scary, you have been able to get on your feet and thrive despite experiencing that in your past. There was so much misunderstood back then when it came to mental illnesses and how to best treat these patients compared to now.

[cool09]

gaining your independence and have been able to work and be a lot more self sufficient in your life.

No, I only worked a few years and relapsed big time and back onto SSDI. I have trouble letting go of the past and my memories. The last 40 years has been a huge catastrophe despite every effort to turn things around. I haven't had any confidence since 8th grade because I'm so f-ed up. Thanks for your support.

Originally Posted by cool09

No, I only worked a few years and relapsed big time and back onto SSDI. I have trouble letting go of the past and my memories. The last 40 years has been a huge catastrophe despite every effort to turn things around. I haven't had any confidence since 8th grade because I'm so f-ed up. Thanks for your support.

((((((((((Cool09))))))))))

[mote.of.soul]

Yeah, I'm sorry too, that you had bad experiences along those lines, especially at such a vulnerable, important, time in your life. In the late '90s - mid 2000s, I spent quite a bit of time in halfway houses as a part of an outpatient rehab program but everything was run satisfactorily and it was a very supportive, caring environment. The way it should be I suppose. Anyway, I hope you find some closure soon.

[Open Eyes]

No, I only worked a few years and relapsed big time and back onto SSDI.

Ok, I see, but you "still" had a period where you were productive and thrived, that is a positive in "your" life that you deserve to be proud of. There are times where when a person finally finds their way towards functioning better, that person can experience an awareness of what was "missing" in their life that interfered with their having that happen sooner. There are things that person experienced in their life where looking back that person can see how they were failed and how that contributed to holding them back from achieving more and being more confident in themselves and feeling "safe" to be more self confident. This kind of grief is something a lot of people experience and it's actually very common for a person to go through a period of depression in their life because of this too. Truth is cool09 even people who have achieved stardom and fame and success can experience this challenge. If you spend time learning about different individuals and read their biographies, there are things you will learn about different individuals who "looked" like they had it ALL, and yet they actually suffered and struggled to achieve a sense of "safety and happiness" in their lives.

I believe you when you talk about things you experienced that were "wrong and unfair" to you. I really believe that you "know" yourself and the history of your private world, your own life and how you had needs that were unmet that contributed to your feeling "low self esteem and self worth" and you are at a point where you can point out places in your history where you were failed and perhaps even traumatized.

It's actually not surprising that you struggle with your history the way you have described, truth is a lot of people have that challenge and have to take time to reach out for help and therapy so they can "grieve" whatever they feel was "lost" to them in their personal history. I believe you when you share how you fell through the cracks and struggled in school too, this is something so many people experience. Unfortunately, there is too much focus on what a child gets wrong instead of what a child learns to get "right" so it's not surprising that a lot of people have some "self esteem" issues when it comes to their experiences with school.

[Albatross2008]

I do sympathize with the struggle. When I was on disability, my mother once said something about "Hopefully one of these days, you can get to where you're contributing to society, rather than taking from it." (My psychologist said she'd sure like to kick my mother for saying that.) The only reason I'm not now on disability was that I married a man who can support me. SSDI, I never did qualify for because I didn't work enough hours before becoming disabled. SSI, I don't qualify for anymore because hubby makes too much money. Fortunately, I'm covered on his health insurance.

Twice, I've tried to go through Vocational Rehabilitation and get back to work, but I failed both times, and they said I wasn't employable. I wonder sometimes what I actually did to improve my life. If it weren't for my husband, I'd still be in the same place I was. So I didn't really do anything to better myself. I just got lucky.

So yes, I do get what you're feeling.

[cool09]

Ok, I see, but you "still" had a period where you were productive and thrived, that is a positive in "your" life that you deserve to be proud of.

My depression and derealization lifted and I worked but I still had major social problems and no one liked me. I was trying to learn how to live life and it wasn't working. Co-workers and bosses pointed out that I wasn't happy and socially inept. So I wasn't exactly happy with life. I should stop complaining for once. I need to bring this derealization up with a Professional but none will listen to me. It came back full-force.

[Open Eyes]

((cool09)), have you tried seeing a trauma specialist?

[cool09]

I haven't had any trauma. Derealization started on its own. Can't feel myself and feel unreal. When I went to college parties people commented that I wasn't enjoying myself. I wasn't all there. Lousy therapist accused me of making excuses when I brought it up. Hope the next one listens. Yes, I can't let go of things.

Originally Posted by cool09

I haven't had any trauma. Derealization started on its own. Can't feel myself and feel unreal. When I went to college parties people commented that I wasn't enjoying myself. I wasn't all there. Lousy therapist accused me of making excuses when I brought it up. Hope the next one listens. Yes, I can't let go of things.

This experience sounds like a type of trauma (your original post topic). I'm so sorry you weren't treated well there, Cool09.

[cool09]

Derealizatiion started years before I went to a halfway house. Maybe that's one reason the Community Services Dr. put me on schizophrenic meds. (Although last yr Asberger's dx was added.) I don't know, he never gave me a chance to talk to him. I've never hallucinated or been delusional so I wasn't schizophrenic. The others in the day program were barely existing.

I was misdiagnosed with schizoaffective disorder a long time ago. It made no sense to me since I've never hallucinated or had delusions either. I feel ya. I think that clinical psychology and psychiatry still has a long way to go, sometimes. When did you leave the halfway house? How are you doing now? I hope you can see a therapist or someone to help you work through the stuff that's hard to let go. It's hard for me to let go of my own painful memories at times. You're not alone.