[apeculiar]

I've posted another thread describing how I've felt detached and disconnected. Right now I keep having delusions, at the mass at church today I felt like God was telling me to eat people from the passage the Baptist was reading, encouraging that eating and drinking his blood was good. I felt suspicious of the Baptist and that a government affiliated cult was planting these cannibalistic intrusive thoughts I've had lately in my head and that the Baptist was one of them, trying to convince me to eat people. I've also been having demonic thoughts, though they've somewhat subdued. I don't have any hallucinations, which I'm thankful of.

Possible trigger:

Now, I have this vivid movie-like scene in my head of a child getting raped and I can't get rid of it and I feel like the girl I'm imagining is real and asking me for help through my thoughts.

I'm not entirely convinced its real but my mind feels like its trying to convince me it is, and I don't trust my thoughts. I'm going to be seeing a psychologist soon, is this possibly a mental illness? Should I tell them about this? I'm scared and I feel disconnected, trapped, and deluded. Please help :|

no one on this forum can diagnose you, as none of us are professionals

I'm sorry you are struggling- I would bring it up on your visit, tell them everything you posted here, and go from their.

[MickeyCheeky]

Yes, ask your psychologist

[amicus_curiae]

I think that you’re rightly concerned. You've actually, kind of, diagnosed yourself, and that’s a very good thing! When I suspect my thoughts, I feel that I need to fact-check what’s going on in my head and I’m generally aware that I might be — might be — under the spell of my mental disorders.

But I have hallucinations at the same time. It’s a positive sign that you don’t.

Most of us here have one or more mental illnesses, crazy enough to admit that we’re incapable of determining your mental state, incapable of being your fact-checkers. Seeing a psychologist is a great idea — s/he is trained to discern whether or not you've any kind of mental issues.

I’m ex-Catholic and I understand the cannibalism issues. It’s so easy to take what we read, what we’re taught, and transfer those beliefs to other parts of our lives. I can’t psychoanalyse, of course! Only share my experiences in an (often failed) effort to offer you my support.

I think that it’s human to want to help those in need. I have films in my thoughts, too. They’re often so vivid and realistic — and can be terrifying or comforting — that I either hope that they’ll just go away or, conversely, want them to stay and soothe me. I talk to my dad, dead now for thirty-three years, frequently. I see him sitting on the edge of my bed or standing over me; I don’t think of him as a delusion, really, but I have a niggling thought, in the back of my mind, that he may not be really real.

I’m not sure who you might mean when you write (and you write very well!) of the Baptist? Your priest? Demonic thoughts can be awful, I know, and I’m glad that those thoughts have subsided for the present time. That’s a very positive sign.

Many of us have felt, or continue to feel, detached and disconnected. I removed myself from contact with others for years because I felt that I had no place in society — I felt evil and trapped. I’ll tell you — I only started going outside to be with others a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know how I did it... but I found my voice again and have been delighted (happy, even!) to listen to and talk to my neighbors. Most of whom I’m meeting for the first time, so we’ve a lot to mull over.

Absolutely tell the psychologist what you feel! Everything. I see that you’re mood is ‘ashamed.’ No need to be ashamed around here, not at all.

I’m going to look for your other thread. I know that my writing style can often be confusing — I hope that you’ll read this as a conversation and not an all-over-the-map rant.

Oh. Welcome.

[apeculiar]

Reading that was very reassuring, I just have a few more things to say and an update. Last night, I had sleep paralysis probably three times in a row. The first time was the most intense and it had affected me most, I was laying on my side and I felt myself drift to sleep but I could still see my side and legs and the blanket over me. I heard a rumbling noise in my ears, and my vision was shaking and filled with black dots. I remember hearing myself scream, "Get out! Get out!" and it just stopped, it felt like it was just a dream but sleep paralysis at the same time it's hard to describe. This fed my delusions, I feel like they got to me. The other two times, I was just paralyzed I could still hear the noise occasionally though.

Anyway, the film like vision of the girl passed, I no longer see it or believe she's real. However, the demonic thoughts are back. I was to afraid to admit this but... I've had sexual intrusive thoughts regarding them and the devil. It's very scary for me to be saying this, because I'm afraid of what might happen. Also, I've had delusions that the devil would enslave me and fears of the afterlife. I feel stuck in my mind. I see it like this; If I killed myself, I would be enslaved in the underworld, but if I didn't my mind would continue slowly tearing itself apart. Sadly, my mother only wants me to see a doctor and then just a counsellor but I doubt that would be help. On the bright (if you could even call it that)side, I've learned to suppress the thoughts. Also what I meant by Baptist was, yes, the preacher. My suspicions of him have only increased.

I recalled a memory involving him and a girl when I was a child. I know this is true, but I never reflected on it until now. I remember the girl claiming that she was a demon/partially demon and she proved it by saying how red her skin was. It really wasn't, she was very pale and I'm assuming she just showed me a rash. Then she did a "ritual" that could turn me into one, however all I remember was her rubbing my wrist and hands. She then gave me a charm to prevent me from seeing the spirits that she did. I lost the charm immediately, but a few weeks or so later ( I can't really remember) There was a party I was at, a very religious family friend. (We're filipinos and in our town, we have a small community and we used to have a lot of parties back then) They invited the priest. I cant remember if it was the same one but I believe it was, when he touched my forehead, I felt a numbing sensation overcome me.

This memory triggered a plethora of thoughts; What if he was trying to make me a demon? What if I was a demon? What if there were signs all along and that I'm just awakening with this knowledge? What if I know too much and they are trying to plant these thoughts and sacrifice me? What if I get enslaved by the devil and get tortured or sexually abused? What if demons are after me?

I also had a dream before of a cult in my town, and that they practiced a sacrifice ritual in the central town park. What if that is a premonition? Sometimes, my dreams almost entirely become reality.

I can't even shower, I feel vulnerable when I do. I have a wrist catholic bracelet I wear at all times, even in the shower. I believe that if I wear it, it will protect me. Even though, ironically, I am uneasy around religion because of my delusions.

See, I didn't have any sexual abuse as a child so I have no idea why there are intrusive thoughts like this, but I feel disgusted/ashamed and deluded and nauseous whenever they pop up. I refuse to believe I am satanic or a Satanist, the very idea frightens me. I'm afraid that I'm slowly losing myself. I feel like I'm barely in reality. My mind is tearing itself apart, and the only help I can get is through a school counsellor. I'll be starting High School soon, so I most likely will be able to talk to one. It's just, how will I be able express all of these things at once without sounding deranged? Although, I probably already do...

I don't know what to do anymore, I'm scared I will start hallucinating. Please help me. I feel so evil, I feel like I've lost sight of God and hope, I feel like my mind is imprisoned. I want to feel sane again. I'm in a very lost state...

[apeculiar]

Originally Posted by amicus_curiae

I think that you’re rightly concerned. You've actually, kind of, diagnosed yourself, and that’s a very good thing! When I suspect my thoughts, I feel that I need to fact-check what’s going on in my head and I’m generally aware that I might be — might be — under the spell of my mental disorders.

But I have hallucinations at the same time. It’s a positive sign that you don’t.

Most of us here have one or more mental illnesses, crazy enough to admit that we’re incapable of determining your mental state, incapable of being your fact-checkers. Seeing a psychologist is a great idea — s/he is trained to discern whether or not you've any kind of mental issues.

I’m ex-Catholic and I understand the cannibalism issues. It’s so easy to take what we read, what we’re taught, and transfer those beliefs to other parts of our lives. I can’t psychoanalyse, of course! Only share my experiences in an (often failed) effort to offer you my support.

I think that it’s human to want to help those in need. I have films in my thoughts, too. They’re often so vivid and realistic — and can be terrifying or comforting — that I either hope that they’ll just go away or, conversely, want them to stay and soothe me. I talk to my dad, dead now for thirty-three years, frequently. I see him sitting on the edge of my bed or standing over me; I don’t think of him as a delusion, really, but I have a niggling thought, in the back of my mind, that he may not be really real.

I’m not sure who you might mean when you write (and you write very well!) of the Baptist? Your priest? Demonic thoughts can be awful, I know, and I’m glad that those thoughts have subsided for the present time. That’s a very positive sign.

Many of us have felt, or continue to feel, detached and disconnected. I removed myself from contact with others for years because I felt that I had no place in society — I felt evil and trapped. I’ll tell you — I only started going outside to be with others a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know how I did it... but I found my voice again and have been delighted (happy, even!) to listen to and talk to my neighbors. Most of whom I’m meeting for the first time, so we’ve a lot to mull over.

Absolutely tell the psychologist what you feel! Everything. I see that you’re mood is ‘ashamed.’ No need to be ashamed around here, not at all.

I’m going to look for your other thread. I know that my writing style can often be confusing — I hope that you’ll read this as a conversation and not an all-over-the-map rant.

Oh. Welcome.

I responded to your message, but I'm not sure if you got it... I just wanted to say it was posted above this.

[*Laurie*]

Please believe this: You are not evil. The hallucinations you are experiencing are not evil. Have you ever known anyone with an injured limb? With diabetes? With the flu? With cancer? Would you call them "evil" for their illness? Of course you wouldn't! Thus, the symptoms of mental illness you're having are just as non-evil as any other illness or disorder. Your brain is physically engaged in mis-firing. Please speak with your pdoc immediately. Reach out and get the medical help you need in order to stop the torment you are engaged in.

[Deejay14]

If you are afraid of what could happen I would get to the nearest ER.

[amicus_curiae]

Let’s relax. And talk turkey (I love that colloquialism!), e.g., ‘frankly.’

I want to say, I need to say, that you write beautifully. Writing well, being able to describe yourself, is a rare trait and you should hold that skill dear and hone your abilities by continuing, continually, to write, write, write. Let me suggest that you may want to write, rather than speak to, your parents, doctors (of any ilk), counselors, etc., if you think that you’ll be unable to speak of these terrifying things.

You’re only beginning high school? I am in awe.

I had a sleep paralysis experience one week ago. They’re rare for me lately. I was trapped for over six hours. I’ll use the word ‘terror’ again and throughout because I don’t know another word that adequately describes the horror and fear that’s felt when we feel our thoughts askew.

You’ve used the word ‘delusions’ but what you’re describing may not be delusions. Again, again, again, no-one here can offer or suggest a diagnosis. But I want to say that what you’re describing doesn’t fit my experience of delusions. I’m not up to explaining this well, but I want to stumble on: In my experience, a delusion is a fairytale or nightmare that you live within. That’s not what you describe — you describe external forces that invade your thoughts and, yes, I’ve had experience with that, as well.

I hate to say ‘my experiences’ over and over, again, so I’ll just make blanket statements and say that you will probably find that it is simpler to temper external forces than to become part of a reality that isn’t your own. You are aware. That’s important. That’s wonderful. Terrific. A-OK. You’re feeling oh-so-appropriate responses to these invasions. Fear, guilt and precious vulnerability.

Now.

The timings. The demons and the child. You wrote that the demons retreated but that the girl was prominent. Now the vid of the girl is recessed but demonic thoughts are back (more to come). Can you say how long — days, weeks, months? — each was foremost and each withdrew?

Demons/devil/Satan. Demons proceed from Satan; my understanding. Demons are ‘legion,’ many, able to intrude and possess. Your understanding? Satan, the devil, Lucifer = the fallen angel; evil. What do you mean when you write that you’ve had sexually intrusive thoughts about demons and the devil?

In admitting these thoughts you fear retribution from the devil. That’s reasonable, I think. There are myriad analogies that could be made: If someone is oppressed, s/he may not speak out against the oppressor for fear of even more punishment.

I feel stuck in my mind, too. I’ve always felt that; it didn’t start with my mental disorders. If that’s you, too, I’ll say that you’ll learn to live with it. You’ll feel detached and alone, unable to connect, but you’ll find ways to compensate.

(Christ, forgive me: I don’t mean to present myself as a self-help author throwing around tips for smarter-then-usual pubescent teens. It’s just, just, just... we’re of one ken. I have an eerie feeling that I’m addressing my past, my past self, my self in-the-past.)

Compensate. You know that you’re smarter than your peers. Quickly, two things to avoid. Don’t become defensive by demonstrating your superiority. Don’t suppress your talents but find humor in the laurels falling from your crown and develop a style of self-depreciation that amuses others. Secondly, don’t be afraid to share your thoughts and feelings. It’s okay to be quirky and different; you’ll attract the same and you’ll be able to experience unbelievable highs from conversations — no need for drugs — the explosion of dopamine is unsurpassed.

So you’ve talked to your mother? Did you describe your thoughts or only your general discomfort? If you see a good MD/physical doctor and give a brief overview of your thoughts, I think that s/he would recommend that you see a psychiatrist or therapist. I agree that a counselor would be of little use.

Possible trigger:

I’m not good at suppressing my thoughts. Talk to a shrink/therapist about that. At the moment I’ve that good and familiar racing mind that I’ve come to love. So much nicer than the dank depressive cave.

I’m severely bipolar.

It’s interesting that you have childhood memories associated with a young girl, demons, and a (or the) priest. Also of note is the lost charm and the touch on the forehead. You have your Catholic bracelet that is a charm (as an undergrad we would compare medals and scapulars worn round our necks — I must have started wearing a miraculous medal, a crucifix, and the brown scapular in early grammar school) and, at confirmation (have you been confirmed?) the priest anoints you with chrism on your forehead.

Lordy.

Possible trigger:

I still have bloody corpses hanging from my walls.

I’m awash in Catholic symbolism. Forgive my prattling.

The feelings of disgust, shame, nausea, etc., I believe, are natural reactions to the perception of evil. The evil is outside of you, the fear is that it will (somehow?) come inside. You have defenses in place. That’s good.

If I can stress anything it’s that what you’re experiencing is normal. You’re not losing your sanity, you’re not in danger. If you’re like me your mind is just running too fast and unable to process your thoughts so quickly. I don’t know if that’s a mental illness or not. I know that it’s frightening, though.

Could you print what you’ve written here and give it to your mother? Take it to your doctor? A psychologist? Is there any way that you could see a psychiatrist? I think that you would find greater comfort and support in ‘real life.’ I have to take medications to slow my mind and they don’t always work (they aren’t working now). We, well, some of us can empathise with what you feel but we can’t analyze or write prescriptions.

We’re certainly here for you; try to think of a way to get real world support?

Take care.