[97248ce26]

Here's my situation. My father's a control freak. My mother's an enabler for him. I'm engaged to someone I don't really love because I don't want to be alone. I found out a few days ago I found out that the person I do love went off with someone who is definitely not suited to her yet again as if she didn't learn from the first time. I'm in my mid 20s with ADHD and Anxiety disorders and an IQ of 185. Yet I have been rejected in 36 Intervews back to back so I'm unemployed. It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed everyday. I've hit a wall in my research and haven't made any progress in the last year.

I want to scream into a canyon.
I want to punch everyone around me in the face.
I want to curl up and never get up again.

I feel nothing. I don't feel empathy. Family doesn't interest me. About the only thing I feel is the rage built up over the years of physical abuse by my father that never got out. Yet I find myself oddly calm, not a good calm but creepy calm, almost evil.

Possible trigger:

I also enjoy torturing and killing small animals but I refrain from it.

I have no idea what I have become.

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you feeling so... "empty"? (I don't know if that's a good word for what you're feeling our not. But it's what occurs to me, reading your post.)

Being that you're in India, I don't know what types of mental health services are available to you there. But I hope there is some way you can have the opportunity to talk with someone, in real life, about what you are experiencing. I know something about what it's like to keep these kinds of feelings bottled up inside. It is exhausting. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support as well. My best wishes to you...

[tecomsin]

I've seen that calm you describe, and yes it is pretty creepy esp if you can recognize it in yourself. I have at times been creeped out by some feelings and thoughts I have had when I am unwell.

It's good you refrain from torturing and killing small animals as it is easy to get addicted to causing pain and sometimes this can escalate to people. It is also something that can be overcome as long as you don't act out.

I would try to get some insight into why you've been rejected for 36 straight interviews. Have you gotten any feedback from those? Is it possible to hire a coach to improve your interviewing skills? You know what they say about the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Also am wondering what love means to you.

[CelestialFlame]

You just sound like someone who is going through a rough time, hope life gets better for you.

[growlycat]

Therapy has been extremely helpful for me. I hope you can find services too

[97248ce26]

First of all mental health services available to be are not covered by any insurance and through the roof expensive.

I've asked for feedback on the interview part and I was told I told I struck them as an oddball, It may be good for a development job but not for handling clients. Again I can't exactly hire a coach given the whole financial situation.

In my last interview the guy said "We'll call you" and it just pissed me off. I just said "At least have the decency to say no to my face, moron" and stormed out.

I've tried every suggestion from every source but every time my anxiety in front of strangers gets the best of me. Every time I see a new person for an Interview I get this terrible urge to just kick him in jewels and run away almost like a fight and flight response (not fight or flight).

I found out that with that I can't get a job in R&D so I'm applying in the banking sector under the government. At least guys still care about merits instead of people skills.

[Loose Screw x 2]

Originally Posted by 97248ce26

Here's my situation. My father's a control freak. My mother's an enabler for him. I'm engaged to someone I don't really love because I don't want to be alone. I found out a few days ago I found out that the person I do love went off with someone who is definitely not suited to her yet again as if she didn't learn from the first time. I'm in my mid 20s with ADHD and Anxiety disorders and an IQ of 185. Yet I have been rejected in 36 Intervews back to back so I'm unemployed. It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed everyday. I've hit a wall in my research and haven't made any progress in the last year.

I want to scream into a canyon.
I want to punch everyone around me in the face.
I want to curl up and never get up again.

I feel nothing. I don't feel empathy. Family doesn't interest me. About the only thing I feel is the rage built up over the years of physical abuse by my father that never got out. Yet I find myself oddly calm, not a good calm but creepy calm, almost evil. I also enjoy torturing and killing small animals but I refrain from it. I have no idea what I have become.

I understand the rage and the hate you must be feeling but, taking it out on helpless creatures or thinking about doing worse than that is only going to eat away at you heart and soul.
I know it's hard but, you've got to reach down inside of yourself and get hold of it or it will wreck your life.
You have to fight it and you most definitely need to see a doctor and therapist before it gets any worse.
Don't sit around and let it build. Find something to distract yourself from it. I understand the evil feelings too.
One can only take so much before one cracks. Try to find things that calm your nerves and focus on them.
If you want someone to talk to about, send me a pm.

[97248ce26]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I've seen that calm you describe, and yes it is pretty creepy esp if you can recognize it in yourself. I have at times been creeped out by some feelings and thoughts I have had when I am unwell.

It's good you refrain from torturing and killing small animals as it is easy to get addicted to causing pain and sometimes this can escalate to people. It is also something that can be overcome as long as you don't act out.

I would try to get some insight into why you've been rejected for 36 straight interviews. Have you gotten any feedback from those? Is it possible to hire a coach to improve your interviewing skills? You know what they say about the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Also am wondering what love means to you.

I don't cause pain to animal but I do find an odd pleasure in seeing people break down after their insecurities and fears have been pointed out.

[97248ce26]

Originally Posted by MavriforceK9r

I understand the rage and the hate you must be feeling but, taking it out on helpless creatures or thinking about doing worse than that is only going to eat away at you heart and soul.
I know it's hard but, you've got to reach down inside of yourself and get hold of it or it will wreck your life.
You have to fight it and you most definitely need to see a doctor and therapist before it gets any worse.
Don't sit around and let it build. Find something to distract yourself from it. I understand the evil feelings too.
One can only take so much before one cracks. Try to find things that calm your nerves and focus on them.
If you want someone to talk to about, send me a pm.

right now that rage and my cat are the only things keeping me from breaking down entirely.

I see fluffy and think that "at least u don't judge everything I do".

[Loose Screw x 2]

Originally Posted by 97248ce26

I don't cause pain to animal but I do find an odd pleasure in seeing people break down after their insecurities and fears have been pointed out.

It's called "malice". You've been hurt severely and you want to hurt back. Seeing some in emotional pain brings you a kind of satisfaction.
These are vengeful feelings. I know these feelings all too well.
I love revenge. I know how that sounds but, I was made to feel helpless many times as a child and a teen and I was raised to be fearful and obedient, to never question authority.
Because of that and because of the abuse I endured I now resent authority.
PM me. Sounds like you have enormous anger. Let's talk about it.

[97248ce26]

truly i guess in theory love means having someone there to support you when you need them the most... but given my reality having seen so little of it i tend to grow overly attached to the few people who care and get overly scared of everyone and everything else.

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I've seen that calm you describe, and yes it is pretty creepy esp if you can recognize it in yourself. I have at times been creeped out by some feelings and thoughts I have had when I am unwell.

It's good you refrain from torturing and killing small animals as it is easy to get addicted to causing pain and sometimes this can escalate to people. It is also something that can be overcome as long as you don't act out.

I would try to get some insight into why you've been rejected for 36 straight interviews. Have you gotten any feedback from those? Is it possible to hire a coach to improve your interviewing skills? You know what they say about the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Also am wondering what love means to you.

[*Laurie*]

Here's a suggestion. Since therapy is very expensive, what about talking with an online therapist? Most of it isn't free, but it's much cheaper than IRL therapy.

Also, there is a site called 7 Cups of tea -- that site offers online therapeutic support, free of charge.

[97248ce26]

sounds like the kind of help i need

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Here's a suggestion. Since therapy is very expensive, what about talking with an online therapist? Most of it isn't free, but it's much cheaper than IRL therapy.

Also, there is a site called 7 Cups of tea -- that site offers online therapeutic support, free of charge.

[mwaxy]

Originally Posted by 97248ce26

truly i guess in theory love means having someone there to support you when you need them the most... but given my reality having seen so little of it i tend to grow overly attached to the few people who care and get overly scared of everyone and everything else.

I understand this from my own lived experience perspective very well, just within a varied context You are not alone - it takes a lot of guts to admit these feelings - most people don't because they are too concerned as to how they will be perceived once admitting them.

While, in a perfect world, it would be awesome to just be open and honest, it's best to keep this to those you trust, professional and non-professional. You risk further hurt otherwise....I myself have had to find my own equilibrium....between speaking my mind and being a door mat everyone scrapes their shoes upon....it's not easy being smart. A wise individual working in mental health once told me '(insert my name here), sometimes it's better to be mediocre'.....at the time I cringed at the thought but the older and more frustrated/angry/depressed I become, the more I realise this philosophy is true...

[97248ce26]

Originally Posted by mwaxy

I understand this from my own lived experience perspective very well, just within a varied context You are not alone - it takes a lot of guts to admit these feelings - most people don't because they are too concerned as to how they will be perceived once admitting them.

While, in a perfect world, it would be awesome to just be open and honest, it's best to keep this to those you trust, professional and non-professional. You risk further hurt otherwise....I myself have had to find my own equilibrium....between speaking my mind and being a door mat everyone scrapes their shoes upon....it's not easy being smart. A wise individual working in mental health once told me '(insert my name here), sometimes it's better to be mediocre'.....at the time I cringed at the thought but the older and more frustrated/angry/depressed I become, the more I realise this philosophy is true...

there's also more.... I'm very much into astronomy and physics which gives me a certain understanding of the world and the universe..... I look into the stars and sometimes ponder that we might just be a cosmic coincidence with no real purpose destined to be wiped out which most often results in what I think is an existential crisis but I might be wrong.... as if everything else wasn't enough but I only blame myself for this.... I'm an atheist but I guess the bible was right in saying "he who increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow"