What am I experiencing?

Hi everyone! I'm new in this forum site, and this will be my first post since I'm searching for answers about my issues.

To begin with, I'm an independent person since child (I'm 27 years old now) . My father worked overseas for 20 years, therefore my mother is usually busy attending to household needs. I grew up without the comfort of a father to attend my own personal needs. My older brother is 8 years older than me, so we don't have a very close relationship and we usually don't do brotherly things like going out to play etc. Outside our home, I have no luck finding real friends. Right now I only have a handful of friends, mostly from my workplace. I never had a close relationship with my fellow classmates before until I graduated college.

Due to these circumstances, I tend to do all things alone. I solve my problems alone, travel alone, shop and buy things alone etc. I enjoy the company of myself. I never asked help from my family. I never asked my few friends to help me. In fact, I'm shutting myself off from others just to do things on my own. Maybe if I build strong trust with them, I'll definitely share my concerns now.

Nowadays, i feel like I'm devoid of any emotions or empathy. I think if some of my family members will die, it will be just a normal event to me. As long as I'm living comfortably, I don't care what will happen to others. I also feel that I'm not capable of loving a woman seriously. I never had a relationship. When I tried to court some women, it feels like nothing will happen on this relationship. I never experienced to console someone with their problems, let alone to emphatize with them.

I don't know if I'm suppressing my memories, but I strongly believe that I was sexually molested by a teenage boy at the age of 5, because the picture in my mind is too vivid. Did this experience contribute to my self imposed loner and independent attitude? Also, I experienced bullying in high school, that's why I don't associate myself with them.

I hope someone can enlighten me here Thank you for reading my concerns.

Welcome to PC!!!!

A lot of things can contribute to independence. The 8 years difference in age to your brother was probably more like growing up as an only child. I grew up an only child & became very independent. My dad wasn't gone but he wasn't emotionally capable of really being a dad though I think he wanted to be & my mom was pretty wrapped up in her own self-conscious insecurities & was pretty dysfunctional though she would have never admitted it. Neither of my parents got past high school while I valued education, they didn't so I had to sort things out myself & depend on my own research & decisions. This followed through my life. I still struggle with my independence even though I am now surrounded by friends who really care & are willing to help beyond what I could ever imagine. They have adopted me as family BUT my family was not capable of emotional support or any other support as my friends are now & it is difficult for me (even at 65) to easily accept the support they give so caringly. I sm so thankful for it but it is so different from what I have ever been used to.

I am slowly getting used to the fact that I can depend on others as much as I depended on myself & that there really are caring people out there. The more I venture out the more I see them but I am ALWAYS cautious.

Hello jianchen: Since this is your first post here on PC, welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are feeling so devoid of emotions & empathy. I don't know if there is a possibility of you talking all of this through with a mental health therapist. But I think that would be the way to delve into this. Yes, if you were sexually abused, that would certainly have a lasting effect on you I believe. Having been bullied in high school would also have an impact. (I was bullied both verbally & phsycially throughout high school too. And I've been mostly a loner much of my life as well.) So certainly you've had some experiences in your life that have likely contributed to how you live day-to-day now. Hopefully coming here to PC can also be of some help with this.

Here are links to 2 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, one about not feeling anything & one about feeling empty . Perhaps something in these articles may resonate with you:

When You Don't Feel Anything During Your Depression

When You Feel Empty: What It Means & What to Do

I wish you well...

I think talking to a therapist would really be helpful to you. You could explore these issues in more depth and perhaps make sense of it all. Sometimes having a different perspective on things really helps you gain insight. Best of luck to you.

Some people are just more independant than others. I dont know whether the abuse you suffered may have caused it. If I was emotionless I would go to therapy. I have been getting this way since EMDR started and I dont like it.