[Turquoisetree247]

Hi there, I don’t really know how to explain what i’m going through but i’ll try anyway and hope to get some advice. I’m 19 years old and a few years ago I remembered a ‘fantasy’ that I had when I was around 9 and ever since my life hasn’t been the same in terms of how I feel. I don’t want to go into detail but I read an article about something terrible and absoloutely horrific that happened and I ‘enjoyed ‘ reading this and I know this maybe isn’t making much sense but the fact that I enjoyed it was very twisted and evil. Things improved a few months after I remembered about what I did but a year and half ago it began to affect me again. I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed but I honestly can’t remember what real happiness feels like and I do occasionally get anxious and have had really scary panic attacks and honestly I feel like I might lose my mind. I believe I have suffered from derealisation for a lot of my life and the anxiety from what I did affected me so much last year I felt like the world wasn’t real and it terrified me so much and while things are slightly better I just want to cry because things will never be the same. Things aren’t the same such as Christmas and even watching a movie isn’t the same- I just don’t feel true happiness anymore .People have been very complimentary about me and think I’m ‘Lovely’ and ‘gentle ‘ but clearly i’m hiding this very dark secret and it’s making me miserable. My family is loving and generous I don’t deserve to get gifts or anything I feel sad for them having a daughter like me (I haven’t told anyone what I did) I couldn’t begin to explain to anyone what I thought about it is just awful and what happened in the real story is extremely disturbing . It does scare me. I have friends , do feel empathy for people and I love nature and music and family and am just a normal girl. What I will say is that when I was younger I loathed myself and thought I was so ugly and had very low self esteem and I did have anxiety (not to do with this) but now bizarrely enough I have more confidence and am more relaxed around people . Also I can still go about life and I love to laugh and genuinely have fun but it’s nearly like the beauty in life has been hidden from me.When I had this fantasy (I knew that it was wrong at the time and want to say it was non sexual) ) little did I know it would spoil my mind and emotions in later life . Ignorance really is bliss. How do I move past this? I know maybe i’m not making much sense here but please if anyone has any advice on what to do or why i did this I would greatly appreciate it
Thank you so very much

[Skeezyks]

Hello Turquoisetree: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I have to say my story is entirely different than yours. But I know something about hiding important parts of yourself from everyone. And I know it is exhausting!

I'm not a mental health professional. But, based on my own experience, I will tell you that I believe the answer to your problem lies in finding a skilled therapist with whom you can talk all of this through at-length & in-depth. You need to air all of this out & let the sunshine in. There is no way, that I know of, to make this go away alone. And continuing to ruminate over it is, to my mind, a prescription for ongoing unhappiness. It can sometimes take a few tries to find a therapist you feel comfortable with. (Not every therapist works well with every client.) But if you can find the right one for you talking all of this through will, I believe, be the best way to resolve what continuing to hold it all in is doing to you.

Here are links to a selection of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help:

When You Feel Absolutely Awful About Yourself—Regularly

9 Ways to Let Go of Stuck Thoughts

7 Ways to Stop Obsessing

9 Ways to Stop Obsessing

Some Ideas to Help Stop Obsessing

https://psychcentral.com/blog/using-...o-reclaim-joy/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-way...ood-therapist/

https://psychcentral.com/find-therapist/

https://psychcentral.com/find-help/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-do...r-john-grohol/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[beauflow]

Hi Turquoisetree247,
I'm just another lost soul, and I don't know you but reading your post I can relate to having an "off thought indulgence that's not of my 'normal ' self".
If I write too much, main point is believe we're human and with some assistance in many forms, we can attempt to change our thoughts or reactions to them.
Yes therapy can help if T is right fit and affordable for your situation; there's also other avenues out there.

For example:
I've laughed at some very crude things, and joked in ways that in another time of me- I couldn't even find that humor or train of thought.

There are times I realize this and beat myself up, realizing that I indulged in such thoughts and behaviors-but as i grow i realize that
1) I did not do any action of crude thought and
2) i am mostly a loving and positive person, and if I am bothered with that behavior and thinking patterns to try to curve it next time if it comes up. (Not always easy and still working on some of my own)
3) lastly we are humans with thoughts and feelings that come and pass.

Here's another, perhaps triggering example

Possible trigger:

Yes, I've had homicide thoughts (may scare some and no murder is not "ok") but I find that thought as a tool as well. "Red flag" as two Ts explained.
Why ? (I gots anger issues, so that's one and it's usually boundary crossing or injustice when I get those thoughts).

Also, I've alway reminded myself- dont become a monster in process of defeating a monster... most times in life living with love for yourself is true revenge... but this may be rambling..
Just one of my personal "horrible thoughts I dont deserve human things.. biggest thing I remind myself is I dont do murdering, so these thoughts are just that... thoughts

Though I must confess, I have some labels that the above are - indicators I suppose- to help support those dx's.

Therapy did help in conjunction with my participation, with the right T it helped even more! and of course I believe if more time with the tight T it would do well.

Reading also on topics and continuing to practice some coping methods.

For example, self talk- practicing positive self talk can do wonders.

Also perception on the thought, ... trigger example has a moral- if I continued to believe I was a horrible person for just the thought, then I may never would has realized it was a red flag for me and why.

Best wishes and apologies if I rambled too much or misunderstood

___
One last thing

I have done some thing that some people would not find forgiving, and it is some thing that I wrote on PC that I felt that many disagreed with, and I talked to my therapist at the time - T actually helped me a lot on coping with what I did.

While I still struggle with this, I remind myself that I did what I did and must live with it- that perhaps I have rationalized it; but there is no sense in beating myself up on it; and to try to learn and move forward.

Self forgiveness is a big thing with moving forward, even with thoughts but with actions that one regrets and puts themselves in misery for.

[Rive1976]

I dont think it's liking twisted things is all that abnormal. I mean people watch murder mysteries, law and order SUV etc. for the thrill of it. I also have laughed or enjoyed some things I dont think I should enjoy. I think I have BPD though. Maybe talking to a therapist will help.

[Turquoisetree247]

I just want to say thank you very much for those that replied and sent me hugs I understand that I was so young when I fantasised about what I did. While I would love to go to a therapist and talk about it, i don’t think I could it doesn’t really make sense and it’s more about what happened in the story than what I thought about as well. It is disturbing. It would be amazing though if a therapist could help me but they would literally hate me i’ve Been in therapy before for anxiety and it really did help but this is a different level of emotional pain. Sorry i’m nearly in tears as I write this i just feel so sad for my parents and grandparents having someone like me

[beauflow]

Turquoisetree247,
Humans are humans, we have positive and negative traits; your thought and feelings around the thought is not the whole you.

[Fuzzybear]

I’m sending hugs..I agree that your thoughts, and feelings around the thought is NOT the whole of you. And ALL humans do indeed have both positive and negative traits

[MickeyCheeky]

You didn't do anything wrong. It was just an article and it was a long time ago. Please don't beat yourself up for this. But if you feel like you can't get over it, I'd highly reccomend a therapist

[someusername]

Originally Posted by Turquoisetree247

I just want to say thank you very much for those that replied and sent me hugs I understand that I was so young when I fantasised about what I did. While I would love to go to a therapist and talk about it, i don’t think I could it doesn’t really make sense and it’s more about what happened in the story than what I thought about as well. It is disturbing. It would be amazing though if a therapist could help me but they would literally hate me i’ve Been in therapy before for anxiety and it really did help but this is a different level of emotional pain. Sorry i’m nearly in tears as I write this i just feel so sad for my parents and grandparents having someone like me

You're not a bad person. No matter what your fantasy was, you will not convince me otherwise.

I had some pretty awful thoughts as a kid, too, that I'd never want to tell anyone. And just imagine - if I don't want to tell anyone, and you don't want to tell anyone, maybe we all do this to some degree and never tell each other. Your parents and grandparents may have had awful thoughts and fantasies as well, and they'd never tell you about it.

This is an obsessive thought, and I know you won't be able to shift your focus off it easily - but the more you realize it is no big deal, the less it will continue to control you.

Often times, I don't want to tell other people my inner fears or fantasies because not telling makes it a big secret, makes it more significant than it really is, and I don't want that significance taken away from me by bringing it to light. Does that make sense?

I would encourage you to tell your therapist (if you trust them) how this fantasy from childhood bothers you and what it was. Air it out to another person that will keep it in confidence. It may have less of a hold on you when it is no longer a secret of yours alone.

[Turquoisetree247]

Hi there I know you guys replied a while ago and I really appreciate you replying. Sorry to keep bringing this up . I think I would benefit from therapy but I don’t know how I could ever tell a therapist this I feel just so stuck and unable to get free. You see the reason why I can’t speak to a therapist is because I live in a small town and everyone thinks I’m happy and smiley and I don’t know the thoughts are just so bad. Sorry I don’t want to burden you guys but I don’t know i can’t stop thinking about how things were like when I was young. There’s so many emotions going on - fear, unhappiness, worried about ‘going mad’ and then other emotions so what do you think I could explain to a therapist? Serious question would a therapist have the skills deal with my situation ? Ughhh the phrase ‘be sure your sin will find you out’ is so true. Someone actually mentioned this article in a school class a few weeks before I remembered and I hadn’t any recollection of me fantasising about that’s how much I repressed it. Clearly that reminded me of it - sorry I just don’t know anymore

[happysobercrafter]

Family of origin and what shape our self-esteem is in play huge roles in our mental health.

Our childhoods set up how we live our lives. Until a person learns self-awareness and actively works to change, they live out what they learned growing up. EVERYTHING. Literally, everything we heard, saw, witnessed is in our heads and can show up in our behavior.

For me, I didn't learn that my childhood was traumatic and abusive until I was an adult, looking for answers. I grew up thinking all families were like mine was. Reading up on subjects I had questions about helped me better understand and come to terms with how destructive my family is. And my oldest sister who bullied me and bullies my middle sister is a therapist herself.

Now, therapists are trained to help their clients straighten out their thinking.
That is the bottom line, what are we doing that keeps us stuck and what can we change to move forward.

There are lots of great articles online to guide a person to know what to look for in a therapist and what to stay away from. Here is one link for you:

Key Questions to Ask When Choosing a Therapist

Did you know that there are lots of therapists who hold their sessions through video conferencing? I have used that and it is very cool, almost Star Trek like, LOL

On this very website, you will find oodles of articles addressing your questions.

Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information

I encourage you to start there and decide what pace you need to maintain. It is your healing and you set the pace.

Your feelings and emotions are doing their job to alert you to take care of something that is bothering you. If you are experiencing emotions that you have never let develop, they can be frightening. In my therapy sessions, I had to face the fact that my own mother and two older sisters traumatized me so badly, most of my childhood is a complete blank. In addition to that, I have Clinical Depression and Complex Ptsd, plus a ton of health problems because of my upbringing. I dreaded facing that trauma but I did it and felt much better afterwards.

Where you go from here is up to you. You can read up on subjects that you would benefit from learning about to answer some questions you have. And I wish you the very best in whichever choice you make.