question of privacy

Just a question ...
Is it ok for a spouse to read all your journals online - written -etc.. my spouse just admitted to reading my old diarys that wer filled with my memories of childhood - teenage life some adulthood. . it was locked and i felt it the only type of privacy i had ..mostly held alot of memories that were very private.
Also .. i would journal in my email box in places i thought could be a private spot to put thoughts for my therapist to read .. he hacked into it and has been reading all of it but has yet to admit it ..i know this because in a discussion we had a couple nights ago .. he almost quoted me word for word..(the ones in my email box) ..
i feel raped inside.
i stopped journaling all together.
i threw away the old diary that was precious to me.
i have memory problems so now i feel i cant write anything
down that will be safe. i am DID and Bipolar .. writing helped me ...now i cant do that anymore .. what to do?
i know this sounds trivial but means alot to me - like i said i feel raped inside.. no where to put my thoughts anymore but to stuff them away in my head..ruining my therapy.
any thoughts?

No, no one has a right to read anything private that we don't give to them to read.

I would get a book journal and carry it around with you or journal on a disk/CD and carry that around with you/hide it at night. When I finished with "one" I'd put it in a safety deposit box or other storage unit where he couldn't "hack"/get in.

thanks for your reply Perna ~
i think that i will just not journal anymore..
i feel like what he did to me is so damning..and damaging ...hateful .. so many feelings.
thanks for your idea though.

You need to journal for you! Don't give up your health for anyone else.

I cut my losses with the past when something like that happens. I had a whole lot of journals and started worrying about what if I died or something so I copied the "best" from each journal into the front of a new one and then destroyed the old ones. It was great reading them but I noticed I'm still working on the same issues I have always been working on, "my" issues and I think that will continue until I die. As interesting as it is to me, it won't get "lost" because it is part of me!

I would take the kindest thought I could about the husband, that he wanted to know you better, and continue on. You are not the journals themselves, that is all in you; no one can possess "You" and you could "give away" those thoughts and memories, they're still in you and still yours. Telling other people about ourselves doesn't lessen us. True, he "took" those things but they are "words" not the actual event. He still doesn't know You because You didn't give those things to him, he took them.

I would find your anger, a good Self, and tell him you know about all the things he's read and that you will not allow that to happen in the future and if you catch him even NEAR your private things in the future you will ____________ (and think of something he really really doesn't want to happen :-) Then I would figure out a way to journal so he cannot read your things; I'd even make it obvious and public that I did not trust him (get a large, real safe and put it in the living room next to where you sit and loudly put your current journal in it every night :-) But he is the one who messed up, not you. Tell him how he has hurt, angered, and disappointed you! But don't give up You because of him, he's not worth it!

I also believe journaling is important. And I understand your need for privacy. When I started writing my thoughts down here concerning the abuse I recieved as a child, I knew it would be read by many people. That is why my user name is used and I do not use my real name. No one but me knows of this now, other than my mother, but I want it to be private, as far as, to people who do know me. Another thing you could do is change your user name and set your controls to not show when your on-line. That way you would have a bit more privacy here.
As for your writings at home tell him you stopped because of his actions, but don't stop writing if it helps you. Find a really good hiding place or do it on your computer and put a password in that he does not know.

I am so sorry that happened , It was wrong.

Linda

I think it depends on your marriage, we have a very very open one and nothing is private between us both but we have both agreed to this.

Thanks for your replies ~ some good ideas in there ~ especially about a lock box where he could see it lol but knowing him he would hack that too .. or beat me until i opened it. i kinda hope he is reading my posts here so he can read the responses on how ppl feel about being robbed.

It was wrong for him to read your private journals and diaries. I hope you tell him you know what he did and tell him not to do it ever again. He needs to know he crossed your boundaries bigtime and that there are consequences for that. You can also keep the lines of communication open to him by telling him that you appreciate his interest in your life and maybe this means he wants to have more heart to heart discussions and you would be very open to that.

This is not trivial at all. It is important to you! I believe everyone deserves their privacy, married or not! I do not know anything about the relationship you have with your husband so I do not understand his motives. A good relationship is built on trust and either he does not trust, or he is very insecure if he feels he must invade the little bit of privacy you want. You did not say whether you have confronted him! If you feel you can ask in a way that would not make him defensive maybe you could get him to understand how much your writing means to you. Let him know it is nothing against him, but just thoughts you are not ready to share with anyone.

yes it was important to me - mainly tracking moods - thoughts to help with therapy ..but .. no more.
As one said it is all still here inside. The problem is i cant recall alot of it when i need it.

if it is private to you then he should have asked and respected your decision no matter what it was. my boyfriend and i are extremely open with each other but that doesnt mean i want him reading about my every little thought, and he feels the same way. plus i feel like some of the things i wrote in my journal when i was younger would either make him feel bad or embarrass me. plus, not everything we write down at the minute were thinking it is true. if were in a fight and i journal and write "i hate him!" i dont really hate him. but if he were to read that later on it would hurt him. i feel its a personal place to vent and should be private. and i also dont think you should stop journaling. if it helped you then you should continue.

i would continue to journal but wont because he has a way of spying on everything i say and write - do .
i feel like a prisoner in my home with no freedoms to express myself . oh well i guess if it made him feel better .. then ..oh well. its too late now the damage is done.
if he wants to follow me around the web .. then let him.
it is just childish.
i dont give a %#@&#! anymore..to be honest.

so this goes deeper than just him reading your journal? have you talked to him about it yet? there isnt an oh well. this is your life and you have a right to it. there is no reason for you to feel like a prisoner in your own home.

I definitely think it was wrong without asking permission first. But then I've been on the receiving end of that situation.

My pdoc told hubby to check up on me as he thinks I'm a suicide risk. Hubby did, including read things never meant for his eyes.

Shattered, humiliated, quilty to name a few. Definitely not the happiest days of my life.

Privacy in marriage is a very important part of life that should not be taken for granted nor abused by the other side. It's hard to say what his actual intentions might have been, or how innocent they might have been. If communication isn't a strong part of your marriage, he might have thought that by reading your journal he would be trying to have a better understanding of you......then again on the bad side, he might have been trying to find out anything that he could hold against you in order to abuse you in the future. No matter what the reasoning or intentions were, it is WRONG for him to invade your privacy for ANY reason......IT"S JUST WRONG.

However if there is love in your marriage & the marriage is strong, this might be the perfect situation to bring about a much closer relationship by your discussing with him your feelings about your privacy. You might be able to open up about some of the things that he read & see what actually comes of it....it might be able to pull your marriage closer rather than pushing it apart & increase the ability to communicate about deeper issues within each of you....which is what a marriage relationship should be all about

However, your statement about him beating you into opening the lock box has me bothered. Along with your statement of feeling like a prisoner in your own home with him spying on you. That doesn't sound like a healthy marriage that should even continue unless you can clear up these feelings. I would not tolerate that kind of treatment from my husband for one moment & it that is truely the way your marriage is, I would think about ending a marriage like that.

If you want to make the marriage work, then he needs to know that your privacy & your journaling are important to your mental health I would make it clear to him that from this point on, if he wants to know something about you, then he has to ask, talk, communicate, the way a healthy husband & wife relationship needs to be. You might also look into some marriage counselling so that he knows this request isn't just coming from you & that it's what is expected in a normal healthy marriage.

Yes, I would take steps to lock my information up so that there is no way he can get to it...definitely until some clear understanding & respect have been proved to exist because journaling is so important to your mental health & your continued improvement & communication with your psychologist.

Take care of your self above all else & don't let him get away with playing childish games. As long as he gets away with it & his behavior is reinforced by not requiring the respect you are owed, he will continue playing his stupid childish games & never have the need to mature, grow up & act his age.

It's hard to be strong about things like this but necessary,
Debbie

again thanks for your replies and input ~
yea it goes deeper, It just bothers me so much that i can hold nothing outside of my head in private. i just feel totally raped inside. i have an appt today with my T .. we can discuss this issue. Sometimes i think he needs help more than me. And ..by the way .. he a large part of why i am in therapy. . because he blames everything on me .. nothing is his fault so to speak .. it must be your mentally ill (his words) ... yea lots of stuff in this marriage..thats for real.