[Lennie]

I have a psychiatric male nurse has been looking after me for the past 6 months. When I first saw him I was immediately attracted to him, he's just my type of man. Over the last few months my feelings for him have intensified and now I think I have a full blown crush on him. I love it when he comes to my home for my weekly visit and feel great for hours after he's left. Whatever I'm doing he is never far from my thoughts. He says such great things to me - he says I'm 'lovely' and 'wonderful' and I can't help but love every kind word from him. I definately have a sexual attraction towards him.
So my problem?
Well for a start he's my nurse!!
And married.
And I don't think for a second he'd be interested in me in a romantic way.....but I can't help looking too much into the things he says and does for me and secretly wish we could be together in the future when I am well again. I have been a bit flirtatious with him as I can't seem to help it, and he doesn't discourage it.
Stupid to think all this aren't I?!!!
I've tried again and again to stop thinking of him in this way as I know it will only end in tears - my tears. I just don't know what to do. I guess it will eventually fade away.....but it doesn't seem to yet. Help!!!
For those of you who don't know me, I'm a 35 year old single woman in the UK with Borderline Personality Disorder.

[DePressMe]

Hi Lennie, I think it is common for us to have romantic feelings about our caregivers. Recently I had them about my pdoc. My pdco knows all about my illness and yet completely accepts me as a person. I really craved that acceptance. It seemed like other people in my life either did not understand my illness or did not accept me.

To get through the feelings, I had to do a lot of journaling and then, eventually, talked about it with my pdoc. One thing I discovered through journaling and talking about it was that I fantasized about things that were missing in my current relationships. I needed to pursue those things in my current relationships instead of with fantasies about him.

Mental health workers are accustom to this type of thing—its part of the client/caregiver relationship that happens with some people.

[Lennie]

Thanks for that DePressMe x
I do understand that it is common to feel these feelings towards our caregivers, but I don't feel them towards my Support Worker as he's not my type of man, even though he is a lovely guy.
There's no way in the world that I could ever talk about this with my nurse!! I'd be far too embarrassed!!
Can't it just simply be a woman being attracted to a man? And not just because he's my caregiver?
And if he is used to this thing happening then why is he not discouraging it?
My poor little brain is confused

[Lennie]

Any more advice for me anyone?
This problem is causing me such distress.....

[sabby]

Hi Lennie,

I think De is onto something here. When we don't have positive reinforcement in our lives and one comes along, we crave it. We want to bask in it as long as we can and pull from it all those good feelings.

Even if it is as you say "a woman being attracted to a man", do you feel it would be appropriate for you to pursue this man since you know he is married?

I think, take what you can about what attracts you to him and put it into helping you find someone similar who is available. Remind yourself that the relationship you have with him is as a healthcare giver/client and nothing more.

We are all human and we all love to have that positive feedback from folks. I've had many relationships with men (friendships) that would take on the flirting aspects back and forth but that didn't mean anything more than 2 folks flirting and bolstering each others egos. We knew we would NEVER have any kind of relationship other than friendship between us.

I'm sure this is difficult for you Lennie. And personally I don't think there is anything wrong with having fantasies as long as thats where it stays...in our minds as a fantasy and is not acted upon.

I wish I could come up with better advice for you. It's obvious you are struggling with this. Maybe keeping in your mind the difference between right from wrong will help you get through this. Would you actively seek out a married man for a relationship??? Would you actively have an affair with a married man....someone who wasn't in your circle of caregivers? It's easy to attach oneself to those who give us care...they make us feel better right? Keeping in mind that it's their job and this is not a relationship outside of that job realm may help you work through this.

I wish you well Lennie!


sabby

[youOme]

These feeling feel good...there human too, but they could disrupt the main goal and that is getting better. You have to decide what is most important and sacrifice even the good feelings for it if necessary. I know it's difficult. I imagine if it were me my feelings would runaway with me and the next thing you know I'm hopelessly in love and probably insane as well. I wish you luck with this and hopefully do what you know is right...hugs

[Lennie]

Thanks folks, I've already sorted this problem out today after much consideration.
But I would like to add that I would NEVER consider any inappropriate action with my nurse or any other married man, and the mere suggestion that I was considering it offends me. I never said I was considering it, so I do not need telling it is wrong. Feeling something and acting upon it are two very different things entirely. The point I was trying to make was.....maybe I am just attracted to him as human beings are to each other and not just a mentally ill person having a fixation on my caregiver.

[DePressMe]

I hear you Lennie...hope all is well.