[wisewoman]

I have not been here much, at least posting. I am an olderish member here. I have PTSD, depression. I have a daughter who was adopted through foster care. She is now 20 and has been living with abusive boyfriend and family for most of 2 years. She is borderline devbelopmentally delayed. She used to have morals, know the right from wrong, be kind etc. I got a very disturbing letter complete with mispellings asking why I had not mailed her second laptop to her 6 miles away. She was so nasty. I wrote her tonight being kind but also telling her that I was hurt and confused and so is the rest of the family. She does not keep in touch at all. Only if she wants something. While she is delayed she is also rude and cruel. She has bought intothe birth parent lifestyle and the boyfriend lifestyle hook, line and sinker.

I wonder how far I go being mommy nice? I was clear that I felt mistreated and that her laptop had a broken keyboard. I assumed via letter that we would pick her up Sunday for a visit with her sis before she went back to school. What do you all think? What can I do? Anything? Thanks in advance.

[Perna]

Follow your own heart and needs. She is getting grown and has to learn to relate to other grown people! She isn't a child anymore that can hope to get her way because of her disabilities? Nasty doesn't cut it! Like you said, "While she is delayed she is also rude and cruel." No "excuses" anymore. The rest of us have to be civil and she can be too; there's no reason whatsoever, delayed or not, to not be civil!

[sabby]

((((( wisewoman )))))

I'm sure it hurts your heart so much to be treated like that by your daughter.

Is your daughter her own guardian? Since she is disabled and if she's not her own guardian, if you are, don't you have the right to pull her out of there if it's such a bad lifestyle? Does she receive any services at all? If so, could they help her to learn how to make better choices for herself?

I think you did a wonderful thing to write to her in a loving way and you did the right thing telling her how her treatment makes you feel. She wouldn't know if you didn't tell her right?

If she is in charge of her own life, there is little you can do except to continue to be a stable and loving mom to her. You definitely can let her know you are not impressed with her lifestyle and treatment of you and the family, but you can still be supportive of her in words and from your heart. Personally I don't believe in closing the door to communication unless absolutely necessary (healthwise that is).

I hope you find some way to get through to her and that she can listen to reason without going off and being more abusive towards you.


sabby

[AAAAA]

I'm so sorry that you have to endure this wisewoman! Being a mother does not make you a door mat. When your daughter is being rude and cruel, I would say "I love you very much, but I cannot tolerate this type of behavior. I am always here if you need me, but I cannot let you treat me this way."

I know how it is easier said than done, but you've raise her, given her love and a foundation. She's an adult and has to make her own mistakes. In the meantime, you need to take care of youreself because someone is going to need to help her pick up the pieces when the house of card falls down.

I wish you the very best of luck!

[bebop]

((((wise))))) no advise hon but thought you might could use a hug.

[wisewoman]

Thanks all, she is her own guardian and because we taught her to be so independent she functions higher then her IQ. She is so stuck and I do not see it changing. I have thought about applying for guardianship but I would probably lose and would I really want that mess to deal with in terms of trying to get her out of there? I could try to speak with her about applying for subsidized housing and disability again but that will only work if she keeps in contact with me. Thanks for giving me permission to tell her she can't treat me poorly. I am pretty distressed by her behavior. On top of that the family tells her to eat whatever she wants it doesn't matter if wshe is fat and now she has high blood pressure at almost 300 pounds. She is 20! This is the girl that skiied 8 hours a day 2 days a week and swam in special olmpics. She has been heavy since she was around 5 because she had been so deprived that once she had plenty of food she horded and stuffed. I am not sure what power I have to help her but thanks also for permission to love. It's like she just doesn't care anymore about any of us. I almost want to lie and tell her someone died to see her reaction! I am not that cruel though.

She is high functioning with a low IQ. Everyone is amazed at her functioning. But it's going down hill fast! And she is an adult. I wish I could grab her and put her in a remote location and deprogram her. Wishful thinking. Thanks for listening.

[Rapunzel]

As long as you have something she wants, you might be able to use that as influence. If she's just 6 miles away, maybe you could take the laptop to her (even with the broken keyboard), or she could come and pick it up.

I work with people with developmental disabilities, and some have wonderful manners and pretty decent social skills, while others fight and always have to get their own way no matter what. I'm teaching "assertiveness" to a couple of ladies with IQs in the 50s. Mostly the part about respecting other people and being assertive, not aggressive. They can do it when they are calm, but forget when they get upset about something, so far. I have hope that if they get enough practice they will be able to use it more and more, even when angry.

If you indulge your daughter, regardless of disability status, you will enable her bad behavior. You need to set clear limits and boundaries that protect you. That will also at least give her an example of clear boundaries. So practice assertiveness yourself and keep yourself safe. I hope that she will come around and realize that what you have to offer is worth something. It's hard to give up being overindulged though, and even more so if she lacks the ability to see how it really limits her in life.

TC,
Rap

[curley]

This may be strange, but if you dont feel you can get through to her with converstaion, how about inviting your daughter and the b/f over to spend some time with the family. Bar-b-que or watch a movie. Maybe then she will remember what it feels like in a healthier atmosphere. And by inviting the b/f he wont feel alienated. There really wont be a reason to turn down your invitation. Good luck with this difficult and heartbreaking situation

[mrsmoggles]

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AAAAA said:
I'm so sorry that you have to endure this wisewoman! Being a mother does not make you a door mat.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That statement is so true!!! It hurts to break a relationship with a child. I wish I had a 'do over' life, and quit playing the 'what if' game...it is just so hard.

I had to give up and just realize that God will be there so I can stop stressing because it is getting the best of me.

Peace and I hope it works out WW. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ~ Melanie

[wisewoman]

I have invited the BF over on numerous occasions. He refuses to come here. Guilty conscience? I mailed her the letter. Kind version about how her letter and absense affects me. I don't know what else to do and I fear theanswer is nothing. Sit back and wait? I just won't be reading anymore nasty letters from her is all.

[EJ711]

Wisewoman,

Being a mother is just plain hard.

You and your daughter are in my thoghts and prayers,

EJ

[wisewoman]

Thanks a bunch EJ. Life is just plain hard. ewwweouch!

[wisewoman]

FYI, Just got an email from her where she b-----d me out good, every other word was a cuss. She is angry that I haven't sent her gifts or been there for her last foot surgery. I explained that she hasn't contacted me, how was I to know what she wanted or needed me to do. She is so angry and depressed. She is talking about dying. I wrote her a kind email back. I really don't know what to do with her. She is hurtful but got upset that I called her that and said I was talking about her everywhere to everyone. i explained that I had only spoken to family and that she needs to be clear what she wants from me. She said she just wanted to be left alone and have her life. Well, I thought I was leaving her alone. Oyvey.