[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by SprinkL3

The Hello Kitty thing is a famous cartoon character, I think. I'm not sure if it qualifies as anime. I want to get into more anime, but I think I will need a television for that. I only have my computer to screen shows on.

I was referring to InkyTinks avatar. It is not HK, YOURS is. And one can also upload a custom avatar.

Speaking of HK, this is an old link but I don't agree anyway. She's a CAT. An anthropomorphised cat. I read a book about the company and the character, and it said she's a CAT.

Hello Kitty not a cat, has never been: company

Years ago someone posted it on this site I think, with the title "Breaking News", LOL.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by nonightowl

I was referring to InkyTinks avatar. It is not HK, YOURS is. And one can also upload a custom avatar.

Speaking of HK, this is an old link but I don't agree anyway. She's a CAT. An anthropomorphised cat. I read a book about the company and the character, and it said she's a CAT.

Hello Kitty not a cat, has never been: company

Years ago someone posted it on this site I think, with the title "Breaking News", LOL.

- Oops, I thought you were talking to me about the anime. LOL.

And I agree, HK is a CAT! I love cats, and I chose HK because she is a CAT! Her name "Kitty" implies she is a CAT. I don't know why people argue over HK, but I will see HK as nothing but a CAT. ROFL.

I love these kinds of debates.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by will19

I feel like I'm not good at it myself. I prefer and feel like I do better with live people than online. But having live people in my life isn't feasible right now. Even in having a disagreement, I feel that I can resolve it better in person than online and over the phone. I feel like I'm not great on the phone, either.

I have started some threads on here and did not receive many replies. So that made me feel bad and fearful to try again. And then I worry if someone is going to be upset with me with what I had to say. And I'm hesitant to reply to someone whom I don't agree with because I prefer not to have a confrontation; in which we'd volley back and fourth to each other.

It's fortunate for me that this is a good and safe place to go. I've been on other forums and they were bad. They were judgmental and patronizing. And then there would be the trolls to deal with. There doesn't seem to be trolls on here.

This sounds like me. People rarely reply to my threads. I must be too ''scary''...

I also found on other forums people to be very judgmental and patronising. Maybe they were TWATS - those who are always terribly smug.

People here seem to be much nicer

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

This sounds like me. People rarely reply to my threads. I must be too ''scary''...

I also found on other forums people to be very judgmental and patronising. Maybe they were TWATS - those who are always terribly smug.

People here seem to be much nicer

Me too. I haven't started a thread since 2019 and don't plan to do so again. My skin is not "thick enough" anymore if I don't get replies. It's infuriating enough as it is not to get replies to my emails, texts, or voicemails IRL. So tired of goading people into responding.

I've had people who talked to me on sites then suddenly stopped. And I know it must be me because they are still all over the site, posting like crazy. So they ARE online and still active.

There are mean people online too, probably almost anywhere. I doubt if any site is immune. I used to go a site for "weather geeks" of which I am kind of one, and they had forums like on here. People started getting mean on there, and thanks to people like that they REMOVED all of the forums. So now I don't go there since there's no point now.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by nonightowl

Me too. I haven't started a thread since 2019 and don't plan to do so again. My skin is not "thick enough" anymore if I don't get replies. It's infuriating enough as it is not to get replies to my emails, texts, or voicemails IRL. So tired of goading people into responding.

I've had people who talked to me on sites then suddenly stopped. And I know it must be me because they are still all over the site, posting like crazy. So they ARE online and still active.

There are mean people online too, probably almost anywhere. I doubt if any site is immune. I used to go a site for "weather geeks" of which I am kind of one, and they had forums like on here. People started getting mean on there, and thanks to people like that they REMOVED all of the forums. So now I don't go there since there's no point now.

Someone on another site was talking to me in PM and then suddenly stopped. They had asked me a personal question about my childhood. I sent them quite a long reply back, stuff I have not told many Hard stuff, hurtful stuff

Then they just ghosted me. And they are still very active there. This was years ago,....

I do still start threads on here but mostly they don't say much. I left that other place, too many mean people and trolls.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Someone on another site was talking to me in PM and then suddenly stopped. They had asked me a personal question about my childhood. I sent them quite a long reply back, stuff I have not told many Hard stuff, hurtful stuff

Then they just ghosted me. And they are still very active there. This was years ago,....

I do still start threads on here but mostly they don't say much. I left that other place, too many mean people and trolls.

That happened to me too. I thought I was going to get help with something, as she knew something about it. One reply and never again heard from her. And having the nerve to tell me people don't deserve to be ignored. And what does she do? IGNORE ME.

It's so hurtful, sorry you experienced this too. But it also validates me, that it's not just me (as others have this experience), that it's THEM.

&^$%#*(@ people! People SUCK.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by nonightowl

That happened to me too. I thought I was going to get help with something, as she knew something about it. One reply and never again heard from her. And having the nerve to tell me people don't deserve to be ignored. And what does she do? IGNORE ME.

It's so hurtful, sorry you experienced this too. But it also validates me, that it's not just me (as others have this experience), that it's THEM.

&^$%#*(@ people! People SUCK.

That sort of stuff STINKS

I'm sorry you've experienced it too

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

That sort of stuff STINKS

I'm sorry you've experienced it too

It does. And I don't see why stuff like a "like" button is necessary, on any forum! It becomes a popularity contest, and it's like junior high all over again!

I might have posted this in this thread already, if so apologies. But I don't even write book reviews anymore. Some members get hundreds of "likes" and I get nothing. And people write s h i t like "This book was awesome" and they get 355 likes. WTF??? That's not a REVIEW.

So after spending the time and effort writing a thorough review, nobody "likes" it. Just couldn't do it anymore, esp. after the last 2 (!) years. I can understand a "report" or "flag" button, but I don't see why we need likes or dislikes. Very hard on self-esteem. Someone was trying to get me to join Reddit, but when I saw people can give me a thumbs up or down, I said no way.

Where I sometimes write cosmetics reviews, you can filter by "most helpful" or "most viewed." I do enjoy writing cosmetic reviews and still do that, as it doesn't take as long as book reviews. Plus I don't go back and see who found it "helpful".

Books are different, as I like to read, so go to a site for bookworms a lot. While viewing books I can't help seeing the reviews that go with it, including my own. It will always appear at the top, to me. And I can't help seeing I got no likes. I like to do the quizzes, trivia, etc. sometimes on a book. But I no longer start book discussions or try to do a "buddy read" with someone. (That's where you read a book with at least one other member, then discuss afterwards or at certain points througout) Nobody responded.

I sometimes think I don't have a thick enough skin for online stuff, but real life "friends" are a joke so have to go online. No other way to socialize, esp. these days......

I never go to forums or comment sections on news sites specifically. Too scary.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by East17

I can relate to being socially awkward online, I also read more than post and only tend to reply if something really resonates with me. I avoid chatrooms because even though I type fast, they still move too quickly for me to keep up. Once the post I wanted to respond to is several pages away, my reply seems irrelevant somehow.

The last two years have been like nothing we've experienced before. I'm guessing that's the same for most people, except perhaps for those who suffer with agoraphobia. I always thought as an introvert, that not going out wouldn't worry me. But I guess it's different when it's imposed upon you and you don't have a choice in the matter.

Forums I think, are best used for one's own purposes. By that I mean don't expect a response (then you can never feel disappointed if you don't get one). Use them as a means to put one's thoughts into some semblance of order. To get thoughts and feelings out of your head and into the written form, where you can re-read and make sense, see things you didn't see before. If someone else responds and offers a different perspective, that's a bonus.

Communicating via zoom on the other hand, is a totally new experience for me, especially doing therapy in that format. I hate 'being seen' in real life, on the screen even more so. Even though we may actually be miles apart, talking to someone via a computer screen seems even more up close and personal than meeting with them in person does.

Like many people, I long for a return to the way things were pre-pandemic, but fear that the way things are is now the 'new normal'. I suppose as a species we will adapt and survive. I don't know if that will be possible for everyone though, myself included.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

I'm afraid of this being the "new normal." I really hope that there's an "old normal" in sight though.

[Fuzzybear]

I intensely dislike that phrase ''new normal''... It's bs imho.

Someone I used to know was ''discharged'' from the MH ''services'' and told ''this is your new normal''...

idk if she is even alive any more. Not from that ''thing'' but maybe she suicided

[SprinkL3]

I admit...

I've sometimes ghosted people, but that's because I'm not always in the right frame of mind to respond, or because I'm triggered and don't know yet what to say.

Other times, I want to respond, but I was kicked off or had dissociated had already closed my account (or an alter did).

I'm still trying to work with my system on that.

There are many times when I wish I could just redo my life and start all over. I think I have something close to fugue states, where I just up and move - no goodbyes, very little planning - and try to start over again. Eventually, I'll connect with some (not all) of my old contacts.

But nowadays I'm a little better (not fully better, but a little) at trying to stay in the present, grounded, and able to at least communicate before a split in a relationship. Most times, however, I'm able to work things out in relationships.

Many times I'm afraid of both myself and my reactions as well as other people and their reactions. I'm more afraid of having something physically done to me than emotional though. I can handle some emotional stuff, but if it means lost job or living opportunities, then it affects my physical.

I don't ghost that much, but sometimes I used to ghost my therapists. This was a while back though. I'm more connected now. I kind of have to be, given that I'm now in the VA system. If I were in the civilian system, I could just run around - lost as usual.

I think people don't intentionally ignore others. I think there's always something going on with our own mental health that affects relationships. I don't think there's one right or wrong side either. Sometimes there's just differences that are irreconcilable. It hurts, but there are others who will understand you better. Also, people aren't always consistently this way or that, so I learned to do what I could to give some space and then be open to certain (not all) relationships. Some space and time off is all that some relationships need to thrive, but it's not meant as a breakup. I think some people confuse "space" with "breaking up" or "ignoring." Space is there to just recenter ourselves so that we don't go down a mental illness rabbit hole.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I intensely dislike that phrase ''new normal''... It's bs imho.

Someone I used to know was ''discharged'' from the MH ''services'' and told ''this is your new normal''...

idk if she is even alive any more. Not from that ''thing'' but maybe she suicided

@Fuzzybear - I'm so sorry. I don't like that new phrase much either. I don't know what else to call it though, and I'm caught in between trying to accept reality and trying to figure out an alternative, safer way to move forward.

I hope your friend is still alive.

That phrase shouldn't be told to someone getting discharged from mental health. Wow - that was so inappropriate! I'm so sorry.

I hope your friend contacts you soon. That's so scary and sad!

[InkyTinks]

Originally Posted by nonightowl

Years ago I knew a woman from South Africa on this site. We wrote each other for years, and I developed quite a connection. She also passed away, in 2014. It was a freak accident, she choked in a restaurant and couldn't be revived. I got a PM from her dad, and at first I thought someone was playing a cruel joke on me. Someone posing as her?! Gone just like that though. I mourn her every year on the anniversary.

I only have one person I can be the "real me" with, and it's through emails. If I had just ONE more person like that in my life, it would be a big plus.

Writing is sometimes easier, but for me it depends on who it is too. I always felt that I communicate well, whether verbal or written. But again that depends on who it is, some are people to talk to rather than write to.

I don't even have the tech to do Zoom or Facetime or whatever. I hate the word "connect" to refer to that kind of thing. I remember when people always wanted to send an email or text instead of talking to me. They still do, but then it was Facebook or Skype or something. NOW it's Zoom. I hate the word now, along with "essential".

The tech at one time was science fiction, as a lot of things are now. It was in a cartoon, The Jetsons. It's like they knew what was coming someday.

P.S. I like your avatar. It looks like it's from anime. Is it?

I'm sorry to hear about your friend passing. It must be harder if the death is sudden, especially if it is an 'internet friend' that you have limited ways to confirm it.


In my friends case I knew she had a progressive condition and was mostly bed bound. Her remaining brother posted on her FB page the day she passed and also told people she had selected to get a personal letter too (I received a private email too before it was put on FB)


My parents both had cancer so again I knew what was coming! ..as there was not the same treatments years ago that there are now.


My avatar is just a picture I found on the internet but she looks similar to a 'young me' and was also a character from a Final Fantasy game on the original playstation that I used to play.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by InkyTinks

I'm sorry to hear about your friend passing. It must be harder if the death is sudden, especially if it is an 'internet friend' that you have limited ways to confirm it.

In my friends case I knew she had a progressive condition and was mostly bed bound. Her remaining brother posted on her FB page the day she passed and also told people she had selected to get a personal letter too (I received a private email too before it was put on FB)

My parents both had cancer so again I knew what was coming! ..as there was not the same treatments years ago that there are now.

My avatar is just a picture I found on the internet but she looks similar to a 'young me' and was also a character from a Final Fantasy game on the original playstation that I used to play.

Yes, it was hard to have a sudden death, but I'm not sure if it's harder than knowing a death is coming, such as a terminally ill parent.....(which I had also)

I found out about my Internet friend because her dad sent me a PM, but I also lost a real life friend suddenly yet had no way of knowing what happened to him. I didn't find out until about 2 months later----online. He worked in the entertainment industry at a well known company, and I found a short article about him. The words made me freeze: "___________dead at age 54." Finding out that way was a double edged sword. I didn't think I'd find anything, but it was my last resort.

Still, cold way to find out. We didn't have mutual friends. Before I saw the article, I tried calling and got a message the number was out of service. He had stopped showing up at the library weekly as usual. I went to his building and buzzed the intercom. Same message that it was out of service.

Like you I lost both parents to cancer, 2 years apart. One was sudden, one was progressive but nobody communicated with me about it. I'm not sure if it was easier knowing someone is on their last days, not for me anyway. It's just different. I don't think I can compare them.

My parents were emotionally unavailable people and didn't discuss death at all, even when we lost relatives years ago. They didn't "warm up" during their last days but just got more distant and cold.

That's a whole other thread.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by SprinkL3

I think people don't intentionally ignore others. I think there's always something going on with our own mental health that affects relationships. I don't think there's one right or wrong side either.

Sorry, but I know they do do it intentionally sometimes, as it's happened to me. I had a friend I knew over 10 years who suddenly stopped talking to me. (This happened back in 2006 but I never forgot that experience) She didn't answer my voicemail or email. Determined to get some answers, I sent a snail mail and I finally got a reply that way. She said she has nothing in common with me anymore and doesn't want to talk to me again. ***** Yeah friendships ebb and flow, but she could have picked better words. Or a better way to make a clean break. Good riddance. If I had to do all that just to find out what the **** is her problem, good riddance like I said.

Whatever else was going on, I'll never know since she "ghosted" me as people say.

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I intensely dislike that phrase ''new normal''... It's bs imho.

Someone I used to know was ''discharged'' from the MH ''services'' and told ''this is your new normal''...

idk if she is even alive any more. Not from that ''thing'' but maybe she suicided

I thought it was just me. I too INTENSELY dislike that phrase "new normal". It IS BS and it trivializes the last TWO years! It's like this has been something minor or inconvenient. An example I can think of at the moment is how they don't show reruns of shows in the summer like they did when I was a kid.

At some point, it became the "new normal" not to show reruns all summer long but show something new. The phrase wasn't in use then that I recall, but pretty soon it was the "new normal" to also have TV available 24/7. They used to go off the air around midnight, putting a test pattern on for awhile just before they did that. Then it was the "new normal" to not show those patterns anymore.

In my opinion it's just a part of the sick American culture of putting a positive spin on everything or acting like it's no big deal. Just like thinking just cause it's a new year, it means things will get better. The relentless optimism about a "new year". To me it's been 2020 for two years now. Changing the calendar doesn't do anything.

And after being discharged, "this is your new normal"? WTF???!!!! That is SO SO COLD!!!!!!!!

[Discombobulated]

Thanks for sharing how you feel @SprinkL3 I do think many times we might feel awkward posting but I think that’s more about us than about the people reading our posts though. I think this is a safe place and my experience is people here are gentle with each other (mostly!)

I’m sorry to all those posting here who lost online friends who they had bonds with, it’s a particular type of bereavement, I lost a dear online friend myself (her husband kindly wrote to me which was so kind considering his own grief). The bonds we can make online can be very special, and it’s wonderful we have the opportunities to make them.

Oh I really don’t like the ‘New normal’ phrase either, although it does seem to be a new part of language now.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I think this is a safe place and my experience is people here are gentle with each other (mostly!)

Yes, I've found (mostly!) that people are kind on here. But I haven't been on here as much as I used to, and I've always done more viewing than posting...

FuzzyBear, when I see your name I think of a warm and fuzzy teddy bear. And you are a warm and fuzzy teddy bear. You are a bear that doesn't bite.

[SprinkL3]

I, too, love @Fuzzybear's name!

I have dissociative identity disorder, so some of my littles (alternate personalities inside) actually think Fuzzybear is a real teddy bear who is caring and needs more kindness and love. We know now that she's a real person, but we love her avatar!

[SprinkL3]

@Discombobulated - thank you for your warm reply. I'm doing what I can to self-improve, but I like how there are many kind people here.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Thanks for sharing how you feel @SprinkL3 I do think many times we might feel awkward posting but I think that’s more about us than about the people reading our posts though. I think this is a safe place and my experience is people here are gentle with each other (mostly!)

I’m sorry to all those posting here who lost online friends who they had bonds with, it’s a particular type of bereavement, I lost a dear online friend myself (her husband kindly wrote to me which was so kind considering his own grief). The bonds we can make online can be very special, and it’s wonderful we have the opportunities to make them.

I lost a dear online friend about 6 years ago and I still miss her. I agree, the bonds we make online can be very special and its wonderful we have opportunities to make these bonds

I also find people here to be (mostly!!) kind and gentle with each other (some of those who maybe were not do not seem to be here any more

That makes me think of somewhere else I posted where about 50 percent of the members vanished (long ago). It was not a gentle place.

I'm currently trying to work something out with an old online friend elsewhere, although I'm not sure if she is interested in working anything out. I ''deleted'' her and now I can't see any of her posts (it doesn't work the same way as these forums work). I will take a long break and think again ... (not anyone here)

[Fuzzybear]

How mean That ''friend'' saying that to you after 10 years

I worry that someone (elsewhere) might be thinking that about me. I don't think he would be that mean about it though.

I know... a professional saying that crap on discharging someone, it's very sad I personally was told some awful things when I was ''discharged'' too. It makes us wary of them, it makes some of us stay away. I suspect that is what they want. (this is NOT ''just'' in the last 2 years...) I know there are some wonderful professionals out there. I haven't met any of them though (in real life) :-(

Originally Posted by nonightowl

Sorry, but I know they do do it intentionally sometimes, as it's happened to me. I had a friend I knew over 10 years who suddenly stopped talking to me. (This happened back in 2006 but I never forgot that experience) She didn't answer my voicemail or email. Determined to get some answers, I sent a snail mail and I finally got a reply that way. She said she has nothing in common with me anymore and doesn't want to talk to me again. ***** Yeah friendships ebb and flow, but she could have picked better words. Or a better way to make a clean break. Good riddance. If I had to do all that just to find out what the **** is her problem, good riddance like I said.

Whatever else was going on, I'll never know since she "ghosted" me as people say.




I thought it was just me. I too INTENSELY dislike that phrase "new normal". It IS BS and it trivializes the last TWO years! It's like this has been something minor or inconvenient. An example I can think of at the moment is how they don't show reruns of shows in the summer like they did when I was a kid.

At some point, it became the "new normal" not to show reruns all summer long but show something new. The phrase wasn't in use then that I recall, but pretty soon it was the "new normal" to also have TV available 24/7. They used to go off the air around midnight, putting a test pattern on for awhile just before they did that. Then it was the "new normal" to not show those patterns anymore.

In my opinion it's just a part of the sick American culture of putting a positive spin on everything or acting like it's no big deal. Just like thinking just cause it's a new year, it means things will get better. The relentless optimism about a "new year". To me it's been 2020 for two years now. Changing the calendar doesn't do anything.

And after being discharged, "this is your new normal"? WTF???!!!! That is SO SO COLD!!!!!!!!

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

How mean That ''friend'' saying that to you after 10 years

I worry that someone (elsewhere) might be thinking that about me. I don't think he would be that mean about it though.

I know... a professional saying that crap on discharging someone, it's very sad I personally was told some awful things when I was ''discharged'' too. It makes us wary of them, it makes some of us stay away. I suspect that is what they want. (this is NOT ''just'' in the last 2 years...) I know there are some wonderful professionals out there. I haven't met any of them though (in real life) :-(

Yeah, it was like that 10 years meant nothing. And I had to twist her arm to get straight answers. If she had said something earlier instead of passively aggessively not replying, it would have saved both of us aggravation.

Another "friend" did something similar, after I really went out on a limb for her.

There are definitely people in every profession who don't belong in it, and mental health is definitely one of the top ones, in my opinion. Even THEY resort to platitudes, with all their fancy degrees. My current one had the idiocy to say "Happy Holidays" to me when we first started our session on the phone. (I posted about it elsewhere) WTF?? After all the stuff I told her about how I hate the holidays and how people keep saying happy this and that?

Either it doesn't sink in or she's not taking notes or she shouldn't be in this profession. I have just a few left with her and they make you jump through too many hoops to change therapists anyway. I really miss the one I had before but she left the organization.

[MuseumGhost]

I started my online forum journey a while ago---13 years ago, wow. That kind of blows my mind. I can't believe all the hills and valleys I've been through on this journey!

Before I developed a deep depression, I was a very different person. (I imagine it's like that for a lot of people.) I used to be an open book, and very trusting. I never worried too much about what people thought of me, although I did always try and be kind. I was very quick to take people into my heart, and under my wing. I felt like nothing could ever break my spirit. Still, I would periodically find myself completely misunderstood, and had more than my share of confusing interactions with people I thought understood me very well.

When the worst of the depression hit, it tore away so much of what I had considered to be "me". I became exceedingly worried, frightened almost all the time, and did develop a bit of paranoia. Suddenly, I found myself becoming very angry and hurt over the smallest slights. And I found I could no longer defend myself verbally, in real time. That was quite a big problem, as I had always been pretty articulate. And some people did seize on it, and use it against me. That was the worst; What kind of human being goes kicking a person when they're very clearly down?! Yes, and it happened more than once.

So, when I started visiting online forums, I was an absolute mess, confidence-wise. It feels like it took me forever to find my way around and figure out which people/ subjects to reply to; and which people/ subjects to completely avoid. But I finally did, just as in day-to-day life.

Loneliness can be quite a motivator. It gave me the courage to continue on, even when I found myself suddenly dropped, ignored, attacked outright, and even stalked. I could tell you stories! With the help of more experienced moderators and friends, I got better at managing the triggers and the trolls. I'm still cautious about who I share personal info with, as it has cost me dearly in the past. But I do believe with all my heart that being online has helped me regain an awful lot of what I had lost. I don't know where I'd be right now, without it.

And, finding this place was a huge step-up from the last forum I was on. It is much safer and friendlier, and has remained that way, right from day 1.

It's good, I think, to remember that this place is populated by people who are suffering some of the worst emotional pain a person can experience. That can make people volatile. Try to remember, too, that this is a tool to help you in your recovery. It need not be an over-arching presence in anyone's life. It became that, for me, when I first found forums. Every little interaction would dominate my every waking thought. My self-esteem swung on a very loose gate, back and forth, all the time it seemed. But It all finally settled-down to a mellow hum, eventually. Give it, and yourself, time.

And, I'm an old dinosaur. I much prefer writing to speaking in person, as my confidence about my cognitive quickness is not quite back up where it used to be. So, I am very self-conscious in person, and always thinking people are either 'out to get me', or hugely unimpressed. So, chat is also a troubling option for me.

I can review and edit when I write. That's not always the case when speaking with someone. And, even with feeling & doing much better, as well as being cautious and courteous, misunderstandings still can and do happen. And they will make me cringe to the end of my days.

I think it takes an awful lot of courage to open up in front of people, online, or otherwise. Give yourselves points for that!

[SprinkL3]

@MuseumGhost -

[Fuzzybear]

I can relate to a lot of this....

Confusing interactions with people who I thought understood me well ..

I also find this forum much safer and friendlier than other forums I've been on.

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

I started my online forum journey a while ago---13 years ago, wow. That kind of blows my mind. I can't believe all the hills and valleys I've been through on this journey!

Before I developed a deep depression, I was a very different person. (I imagine it's like that for a lot of people.) I used to be an open book, and very trusting. I never worried too much about what people thought of me, although I did always try and be kind. I was very quick to take people into my heart, and under my wing. I felt like nothing could ever break my spirit. Still, I would periodically find myself completely misunderstood, and had more than my share of confusing interactions with people I thought understood me very well.

When the worst of the depression hit, it tore away so much of what I had considered to be "me". I became exceedingly worried, frightened almost all the time, and did develop a bit of paranoia. Suddenly, I found myself becoming very angry and hurt over the smallest slights. And I found I could no longer defend myself verbally, in real time. That was quite a big problem, as I had always been pretty articulate. And some people did seize on it, and use it against me. That was the worst; What kind of human being goes kicking a person when they're very clearly down?! Yes, and it happened more than once.

So, when I started visiting online forums, I was an absolute mess, confidence-wise. It feels like it took me forever to find my way around and figure out which people/ subjects to reply to; and which people/ subjects to completely avoid. But I finally did, just as in day-to-day life.

Loneliness can be quite a motivator. It gave me the courage to continue on, even when I found myself suddenly dropped, ignored, attacked outright, and even stalked. I could tell you stories! With the help of more experienced moderators and friends, I got better at managing the triggers and the trolls. I'm still cautious about who I share personal info with, as it has cost me dearly in the past. But I do believe with all my heart that being online has helped me regain an awful lot of what I had lost. I don't know where I'd be right now, without it.

And, finding this place was a huge step-up from the last forum I was on. It is much safer and friendlier, and has remained that way, right from day 1.

It's good, I think, to remember that this place is populated by people who are suffering some of the worst emotional pain a person can experience. That can make people volatile. Try to remember, too, that this is a tool to help you in your recovery. It need not be an over-arching presence in anyone's life. It became that, for me, when I first found forums. Every little interaction would dominate my every waking thought. My self-esteem swung on a very loose gate, back and forth, all the time it seemed. But It all finally settled-down to a mellow hum, eventually. Give it, and yourself, time.

And, I'm an old dinosaur. I much prefer writing to speaking in person, as my confidence about my cognitive quickness is not quite back up where it used to be. So, I am very self-conscious in person, and always thinking people are either 'out to get me', or hugely unimpressed. So, chat is also a troubling option for me.

I can review and edit when I write. That's not always the case when speaking with someone. And, even with feeling & doing much better, as well as being cautious and courteous, misunderstandings still can and do happen. And they will make me cringe to the end of my days.

I think it takes an awful lot of courage to open up in front of people, online, or otherwise. Give yourselves points for that!