Control Statements

I don't know if any of you are living with someone who likes to "control" everything but I am and have been for 41 years. His latest controling statement to me was, "I withdraw my consent to buy a new computer". He said this in an attempt to "get even" with me (after he threw a fit) because I asked him to do something. grrrrrrr.....................Last time I checked I am an adult and don't need anyone's permission to purhase anything.

Even after all these years, this man acts more like my Daddy than my Hubby. I've let him know just how I feel about this and all of his other control statements over the years but they just keep coming. You'd think he would learn by now that he isn't going to control me but only makes me withdraw further from him. Sometimes I also rebel. Right now I'm just venting and hoping somebody understands.

Ok, thanks. I had to get this off my chest.

hehehe sorry ... was just wondering which of the choice retorts you could have made back at him? I know it's a marriage though..and big purchases should be agreed to... (if computers are pricey now anyway) but it he never buys anything, or buys what he wants without consulting you...yeah, I hear ya!

Do you not have chores that get done because they need to be, and you've agreed who will generally do what? Does he see things needing to be done and do them, or is that why you asked him to do something?

I suppose you had to do many chores in your family growing up, since you feel like a daughter rather than a wife?

I guess there's truth to can't live with "them" and can't live without "them" ... with the "them" being changeable?

Susan, is your name on the checks, too? Does any of the money you make go into a joint account? This might be a good time to rebel, maybe? Tell him you have a business expense that just came up!

Of course, you might want to take this sage advice with a grain of salt. I'm still smarting 'cause I was denied $60 for MY business.

(((((((( Susan ))))))))

Boy that really stinks doesn't it? Such an immature reaction from an adult My ex used to be like that at times and it really frosted my cookies. Gave me even more reason to get my back up and do as I dang well pleased without his input. He surely did as he pleased and I figured I was an adult, I could do the same....LOL.


sabby

I'm with Sky. I'd probably be laughing and teasing him. But I think I'd also end up feeling a little sorry for him since it's left over from his childhood when he was powerless and his father or someone got to say such words to him and make them stick. He just never learned how to relate correctly with his adult self.

No adult likes to be treated like a child....I feel for you!! Hope you get your computer anyway!!

I'd be angry too. If my husband ever said that to me, I'd respond with "That's nice dear...I'll withdraw my consent to allow you to use my new computer," then walk away. He'd probably do the same to me if I tried to control him in that manner.

After so many years together, I doubt you'll ever be able to change him at this point. I hope you'll be able to get your computer.

Sky, you raised some good questions and made me think. Actually, I asked him not to do something......don't delete things off the really old computer till I've had a chance to save what I want to save from it. It made him furious and he threw a fit!

I feel like a daughter rather than a wife at times because of his dictatorship which reminds me of my dad. grrrrrr.... It really doesn't have anything to do with chores, even though I had to do quite a few chores as a teen.

This guy has changed some over the years but he still has a lot of improvements to make in himself. I've changed a lot over the years too and still have a way to go. Ya know, by the time we learn to live with each other in peace, it will probably be time for one of us to learn to live without the other. That's a pretty sad thought.

You can bet I felt like going and buying a computer right then and there when he "withdrew his consent". I've learned through the years that my rebeling only increase his revengeful tactics.

The thing that is most peculiar about this is that ever since he retired a few years ago he has repeatedly said, "I want a computer of my own". Well, he's gonna have to agree to buy another one before that can even come close to happening!

Hey there, Fuzzy.

Hi Sabby and thanks for your support. Yep, it sure "frosted my cookies". I let him know that I don't need his consent to buy a thing.....I'm over 18 and don't require anyone's signature!!! We had our new computer all configured at the Dell site so I'm pretty disappointed, but I'll be fine with this one. I plan to use it more and more causing him to use it less.

Hi Perna. It wasn't his father, it was his mom. She was/is such a control freak and he is just like her. She also got revenge when things didn't go her way and he does the same. They have both been very difficult people to deal with.

He can't relate well to his adult self or any other adult. He's a loner for the most part and I also feel a bit sorry for him.

Hi Bethsway and thanks for your support and your comment. It helps.

I was talking to my brother about this and he said, "he'll come around". I'm not too sure about that but I certainly hope so.

Thank you for your support.

anytime you need to get something off your chest, speak your mind here, your blood pressure will be lower

(((((ozzie))))) You be one smart cookie!

Ozzie,

I can so feel for what you are going through.....you have the Daddy husband, I have the child. Either way, that's their way of controlling us & it's very sad. Before I got married, I laid down my expectations & said that if he wan't interested on having a marriage that was a complete partnership, then I wasn't interested in getting married & didn't want to have anything to do with getting married. He didn't understand a word I said & still to this day, he doesn't understand what a true marriage partnership is.

I can understand how marriages stay together for so long....those of us who are doing the tolerating & the "existing" in the marriage are always thinking that it will work out & that it will get better. For me, 32 years later, sadly, I have come to the point where I can no longer tolerate the relationship. But after so many years, getting out of a relationship is almost impossible.....if we have tolerated it this long.....what's a few more years of unhappiness? As Sky said....that old saying...."can't live with them.....can't live without them". There comes a time when we know we have tried everything possible & they will never make the changes we need to be truely happy in the relationship.....but what will we be giving up if we end it & what will we be getting if we end it? Those are tough questions to answer when both haven't decided that the relationship has to end. The feeling of being alone after all those years of being together (even when we haven't really been together) is hard to accept. The concept of no one being there to talk to or listen when we say something (even if we aren't really being listened to). Just hearing someone walking in the house & knowing that we aren't completely alone are hard things to give up after so many years.....no matter how unhappy or empty we may truely feel. Giving up that "someone there" unless we are forced to is difficult.

We can be guaranteed that those doing the controlling aren't willing to end the relationship. They are getting their controlling needs filled by keeping the relationship going & unless we take that ability away from them, they have no desire to make any changes & we are the ones having to always figure out ways that we can be as happy as possible in the relationship. I have found that unless we get so completely fed up that we have to end it for our own mental or physical wellness, we will continue to find our own ways to cope, survive & exist in the relationship as best as we can.

I have felt for many years that is was very sad to have to just exist in a relationship & that the only time I was truely happy was when I was away, doing my own thing. It wasn't until I actually was able to have my own home completely away from the home with my husband, that I was able to see the reality of the relationship & just how unhappy I actually was. That that angry, mean, fighting, person that I was around him actually wasn't the real me. Everything that was coming out of me was only my response to his words & actions. That was a very scary picture to see....& that was when I realized that I couldn't continue living like that because once I couldn't just tolerate the childish actions & started really fighting back, I didn't like the person I was becoming around him & don't want to ever become that person. I am afraid that the longer I live that way, the more those actions might stick & I just don't ever want to become that person.

It finally got to the point where any lonliness feelings I will have to work through are much better than the fear of seeing what I was becomming (when I finally started to fight back) ending up a permanent part of me. It wasn't until I was able to escape that environment & look at it from outside that I was able to see how I was reacting & that it wasn't the real me that I was around the rest of the world.

When we are controlled by someone for so long, it is difficult to see anything else even though we know it's out there. If we are able to tolerate our lives & have learned to cope with it & accept it as best we can, venting when we need to, without getting to the point where we feel the requirement to "fight back" because we have had all we can take, then we can stick it out & just continue co-exist together for the rest of our lives.

Sadly, I have realized that there are many of us that understand & are experiencing similar situations as the one you are in. I hope that your venting & knowing that you are not alone in your frustrations will help you cope with your situation.

My hears & prayers are with you,
Debbie

Hi BalishBun. You are so right! Venting here does help a lot. I need to remember and do it more often.

Thank you ((((((((Sky))))))))) I think you're pretty sharp yourself.

that is right! I know when I need a "ventin" I'm going to come here and blow some steam

I'm sorry you are in a similar "boat". You really do seem to understand and I'm glad you wrote. It helps knowing you aren't the only person who has chosen to "tolerate" the situation for so long. We choose to stay or we choose to leave but it doesn't mean we can't complain about our choice now and then. Thank you for always being so supportive. ((((((((((((eskielover))))))))))))

Ozzie, I hoped you laughed out loud when you heard this one. I did when I read it. It just sounds so funny when one tries to verbalize, seriously, about something so silly.

After 41 years, I hope you have come to ignore such statements - or at least learned to laugh at (some) of them.

Take care