Building a Whole New Life

I had a crappy night out at a club and cut off a friendship with a male friend of mine from college.

The backstory is we ran into each other after 30+ years two years ago. We reunited as friends and started hanging out here and there.

This male friend is woman-obsessed, I've learned, and is not that healthy - he has been very sickly in his life and he is a pot addict. He is constantly trying to find a relationship, as though a relationship is a life raft, and he only talks about his interactions with skeezy women he comes across in a club. He hangs onto these women he meets as friends, always hoping something more will happen. And all the women he meets and befriends are completely nuts - not grounded, sane, or even nice or remotely decent women.

Well, last night this male friend was acting really strange from the moment he arrived at the club. He was hoping to meet up with a woman he is chasing, but she didn't show up, so he seemed to be in a bad mood.

Well, I got sexually accosted by a male later on in the night, who kept trying to grope me. So I walked over to my male friend for safety. I told him then asked him a question about the woman he was hoping to meet, and he acted completely annoyed with me for asking a simple question then basically told me to shut up and listen to the music. So I left in a huff and stormed away from him. At that point, I left the club.

After leaving, I sent this friend a few text messages telling him he had acted really crappy towards me when I had just been accosted by some jerk. Given that this friend has been nothing other than completely self absorbed for the last two years, I decided to cut off our friendship and blocked him.

And its' true - all he ever talks about are his dealings with various horrible women he meets at bars. He's obsessed and totally self absorbed.

Needless to say, I woke up enraged by the whole situation. My friend could have been far more sensitive to the fact that I had just been accosted. To tell me to shush and to act annoyed with me right after that was highly inappropriate, dismissive, and rude.

So I am done with him and I am done with that friendship. Just done. I don't need an unhealthy, unbalanced, self absorbed, woman obsessed friend in my life.

We're not even on an equal playing field. He doesn't work at all because he has a lot of money and has been living off of that for the last 6 years. Mostly what he does is go to the bars and drink to meet women. NO THANK YOU AND GOODBYE. I don't need him in my life.

I've actually blocked 3 people in the last 2 weeks since I returned from vacation. All 3 are men. I have zero tolerance at this stage for any BS from anyone.

This forum is so dead and slow. It used to be busy and hopping. What happened?

Yeah.. slow.

Things are heating up at work again and all the pressure and stress is back on that I had before vacation. It turns out that no matter who is responsible, the problem is my fault.

I told my boss that blame is unproductive but that problem solving is productive.

I applied for a new job at a different company.

Sounds like a good positive choice, @Have Hope.

Thanks @NovaBlaze!

I am getting sick of the blame game at work. I noticed that this is a problem - blame shifting and finger pointing whenever things go wrong. I don't find that to be helpful or healthy. I think this company environment is rather toxic. You have to drink the company kool aid to belong in the "club". Everyone wears the company's footwear and clothing to work every single dqy. Everyone is a clone of everyone else. They do not encourage individual thinking, innovation, or entrepreneurial thinking. It's "group think" mentality - everyone always has to agree and "align" with each other's approaches and thoughts. And if you diverge? You're not a part of the team or the group.

I am the opposite type of personality and employee. I am innovative, creative, entrepreneurial and I am very much my own person who likes to express my individuality. I am autonomous and non conformist.

Basically, I am a fish out of water at work and I hate it. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. It's uncomfortable.

I enjoyed some periods of working on projects on my own, but I’m not sure those roles are that easy to come by, especially in IT. I’ve had a lot of fun working as part of a team sometimes though - I like the collaboration and the support.

The problem with working in isolation is that I find it’s easy to make mistakes and head off down a rabbit hole, without the “balance” of other opinions. It can get messy.

Do you think you’ve had enough of working as part of a team? I guess there will be roles out there that would be a good fit for you.

Jeff.

It’s not a team environment that I dislike. It’s the conformist company culture. I like being a part of a team but I need a company that still has a start up like culture without being an actual startup. Where I work it’s group think mentality.

When an employer wants to get rid of employees, they'll begin blaming them for problems that have existed for years. Then they'll give them poor reviews and gaslight them into thinking they're inadequate. Next comes probation. Then, firing with (made up) cause. I'm glad you're looking for another job. Perhaps look for an employment attorney as a backup plan.

@SquarePegGuy, thanks for dropping in on my thread and for your thoughts.

I had my annual review earlier this month with my boss, and overall, it was positive. The criticisms were not bad and could have applied to anyone. I got a 21K bonus and a 3.2% merit pay increase.

I have not been fired, and I don't believe that my job is in threat.

What I am saying is I think this is the culture and not personal to just me.

The company's tendency is to point fingers and blame someone when things go wrong instead of looking at the larger systemic problems and fixing them.

And, I am currently an easy target and scapegoat because my area of the business is suffering, so they're trying to pin some of the causes onto me.

Maybe my boss and her boss don't like me and want to push me out - sure, that's a possibility. But I won't be bullied or blamed or stepped on and I will stand up for myself when I have to. And my boss IS a bully, I have learned. And she has some amount of influence over HER boss, who seems to like to play the blame game.

That sounds like a miserable setting.

It is from that angle yes. From another angle, it's a very cushy job. On paper, it's a great resume builder. So there are pluses - I only write about the downsides to vent and get support.

I think my therapist has a different approach than the one I am taking. He continues to ask me what I want to work on, when I've already said my self esteem.

For me, this is a getting to know you period on both sides. I am telling him my life story to give him the context in which we are working. Why can't he understand this? What am I missing?

Isn't the beginning of therapy always about telling your life story?!? I can't begin to work on issues until I've told my life story and until he has a complete picture and understanding of me within my life.

Why he doesn't seem to get this, I don't understand.

And essentially, I am working on a full makeover of myself and my life. This is an overhaul. I lived an unhealthy lifestyle up until now and now I am embracing health. That is no easy task when you're used to smoking, partying, and not exercising. OYE.

And then I am also overhauling my mentality and thought processes from negative to positive and I am trying to embrace positive self talk vs my constant inner critic which is always negative.

Again, no easy task.

Maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew. It all feels overwhelming.

Nonetheless, April 8 will be 3 months of no smoking!! WOOHOOOOO!!!!! I am very proud of myself for that.

Ugghhhhhhhhhhh.... I should NOT speak out in larger meetings at work! I spoke up yesterday and I think I killed the vibe of the meeting. It was a weird meeting to begin with and seemed disorganized. After I spoke up, what I said got shot down and then the meeting ended rather quickly after that. I don't understand this company and how it operates.

I am struggling to like myself, let alone love myself. I was embarrassed by what happened in this meeting and felt that I just should not speak up at all. But then when they're talking about my area of expertise, I feel like I have to speak up but then when I do, I become tongue tied and I feel like I end up saying the wrong things or in the wrong way and then am misunderstood.

My communication skills really falter with online Zoom meetings. I hate them. I am better in person, but also, I am not good at winging it in these meetings.

WTF? I have known myself to have strong communication skills. But right. now, I feel my skills fall short and are weak - at least within this company.

I am feeling low.

I came across "Power Poses" recently. Supposedly, they're confidence boosters:
Power posing - Wikipedia

They're described as "controversial" on Wikipedia, but I think that's because they haven't been vetted by the scientific community. But it's a harmless enough practice, so if it works for you, why not do it right before a meeting?

@SquarePegGuy thanks so much for referring me to this. I will look into it. Thank you.

Yesterday was a hell day at work - again.

My boss came down on me - again - for a mistake I made.

I seem to be making mistakes lately with data. But my boss? She was was quick to reprimand me for my mistake yesterday, even after I had admitted on Teams to her boss that I had made a mistake!

She wrote it to me privately and came down on me hard for it, saying I don't look good when I am inaccurate! The inaccuracy was my mistake!

I told her in rebuttal, "is there no room for mistakes?"

I am so sick of this. She is making me afraid to speak up about ANYTHING! And she repeatedly is making me feel horrible!!!!

Here is what I aim to write to my boss today on Teams first thing this morning:

Hi Boss's name,

To follow up on your private message to me yesterday—I took responsibility for the mistake and addressed it directly with (her boss's name) in the group chat, because I believed that was the right and transparent thing to do.

While I appreciate you acknowledging the effort I’ve put into the data review, the tone of your message—especially the framing around how things “reflect” or appear—felt more like a punitive correction than supportive feedback.

To be honest, this type of punitive correction has been a pattern. I’m always open to feedback and growing, and I take accountability seriously—but I’d appreciate it being delivered in a way that supports growth rather than sounding like a reprimand after the fact.

I’ve taken your points on board and will apply them moving forward. Thanks for understanding.

I didn’t end up sending that message. A girlfriend talked me out of it! So I thought twice!

How’s the new job hunting going?

What was it that your friend said that talked you out of sending it?

Nearly the weekend - something to look forward to.

@NovaBlaze, it's the weekend!!! Hooray!!!

I applied for a new job today.

My friend told me to pick my battles, and to not ALWAYS battle or push back. That made sense to me.

Then today, my boss gave credit for MY work to someone else, so I did correct her over email. I wasn't going to sit back and allow that.

I'm proud of myself. I ran into my ex husband again last night. This time, I kept my boundaries up and didn't stop to talk to him. I passed by him twice at the music venue and only just said hello and acknowledged him, but I didn't stop to talk and I think he expected this. He looked at me in surprise as I kept walking. LOL. I let my guard down two weeks ago and promised myself that I won't continue to engage in conversation with him. All he ends up doing is dominating the conversation and manipulating me somehow, twisting facts around and rewriting the history of his poor treatment of me. I don't need to screw up my head any more than it already has been when it comes to him. I will not allow him that kind of access to me. Not again.

And, my mom is having some pretty big hip issues so we may have to cancel our trip to California this week - BOOOOOOO.

And finally, my boss trying to give credit to my colleague for my work really irked me. I am still processing this, but I believe she did that on purpose so that I don't shine at work. She and I had JUST discussed my idea the day before in a meeting, whereby I gave her specific details around my plan and idea. Did she develop amnesia the next day and forget our conversation? I don't think so. I am happy that I called it out and corrected her. I did it very professionally and diplomatically, by writing that I wanted to provide clarification around my idea and the details. UGH.... WTH?!?!? I can't believe she is so threatened by me that she has to try and squelch my shine.

It's hard to go back to work today knowing my boss is trying to squelch my shine.

I escalated this latest incident to my boss's boss. He is going to surface it with HIS boss.

I am not letting it slide - it's too important. This is a matter of perception of the quality of my work and my skill set amongst those higher up than me. If that email somehow were forwarded, it would have someone else's name on it as being responsible for a solution that I found, not someone else. I am not going to let her get away with giving credit to someone else for MY idea. This is my career, this is my livelihood and this is my professional reputation she is screwing with. She is playing dirty - well, I fight dirty too but what I am doing is very fair and the appropriate action.

So I brought it to her boss's attention in writing over email so that there is NO MISTAKE in who owns what. I carefully crafted this email using ChatGPT. This tool is so very helpful for just about any question or task.

The fact that her boss will now bring it to HIS boss's attention tells me something important. I asked if his boss could be made aware of the incident in my email. The fact that her boss decided to bring it to his boss tells me he thinks it's too important to handle and/or resolve by himself. I am SO glad he is speaking with his boss about this.

AND, I am so happy that I have a clear paper trail documenting EVERYTHING. I even have written proof that my boss and I talked about my solution is great detail. I included these notes in my email to her boss. She provides me with written notes documenting the main points of our weekly 1:1 meetings. So luckily, she had written many details about my idea and solution, also outlining the next steps, clearly indicating that she was fully aware that the solution was my idea.

I am so done with her. She's going down in flames by her own hand one way or another. She chose to mess with the wrong person.