Building a Whole New Life

I'm happy for you!

Thank you!! 😊

Well, that budding feeling of the beginnings of love got squelched I think....

We moved too fast. He spent the night two nights in a row this weekend. I don't really know how it happened, but he spent one night, and he didn't leave, so he spent two nights.... and we also slept together.

I could have spent some time alone to reflect. He filled me with many stories of his life, and after two nights, it had felt like a LOT to take in at once. Like too much to take in at once.

I enjoyed our time together for the most part, but I wasn't overjoyed that he stayed so long. Once he left, I was relieved to be on my own again.

We're having dinner together tonight - his suggestion before he takes off for a couple of days.

I don't know how I feel... I am still processing the weekend.

I know one very important thing: I don't want to lose myself again. Spending so much time with this man this weekend made me feel a bit like I lost myself. I don't want to let him crowd me or suffocate me... I need breathing room... I need air, and I need time alone. I need time to reflect.

Maybe I am not ready for love... or maybe not this kind of love. I don't know. But I know I cannot lose myself, after doing SO much work on myself for the last two years to rebuild.

Ok, this is nuts, but I do think I'm falling for him. We went to dinner last night and the whole night was simply fabulous! We get along really well, we have a lot in common, there's a positive energy between us... there's a strong attraction, and there's passion there.. I feel like he's a kindred spirit... Hmmmmm.....

Last night as I was texting with new guy and scrolling Instagram, I saw a post that made me stop in my tracks. It was of a man screaming at his female partner, and her, with tears in her eyes walking away telling him "goodbye" and "I'm done". It jolted me right back to my marriage and I freaked out. I don't know why I had to see this post just as I was texting with new guy, but it made me think twice about getting involved too quickly. My ex husband and I fell in love within one month. It's only been a few weeks with new guy and he says he is falling for me and vice versa.

I cannot get involved in yet another toxic relationship and must be very careful and cautious. My marriage made me incredibly sick, it put me in the hospital, and I lost myself and my whole life. It's taken two years after my divorce to rebound.

Was that post simply meant to be a reminder to be cautious? And to take it slowly? Even remembering those scenes where my ex husband screamed at me, chasing me around the house and exploding on me, makes me cringe.

And new guy sent me a song the other day that just so happened to be my wedding song, "Waste". The song is about wasting your time with someone, and I certainly felt my marriage was a waste of time, although I learned a valuable lesson.

I need to be more cautious than I am being right now. That's what the message means.

Sounds like you coming back down. I think your reflexion, and past has come back and thats a good thing.
Life isnt a race, its about the journey.

Very true. I have to continue to keep my wits about me and not get carried away.... it's easy for me to get swept up by emotion and fall in love.

I think that’s just being human, isn’t it, getting swept up by emotion?

It sounds like you have it under control though, and that’s the important thing. You’ve been hurt before, and quite rightly you’re seeing the need to tread lightly.

Jeff.

Yes, true, but I do seem to fall in love easily.

But I'm now putting the breaks on. I found out last night that not only was his father an alcoholic, which I knew already, but he was an abusive alcoholic.

Geez! WTH? I finally decide to date someone and this is his father and upbringing?

I am now concerned that he could be like his father. Like very concerned. He says he's done a lot of work on himself, and that the pattern stops with him, but I am now very wary. Extremely wary.

Trust your instincts. I suspect you know in your heart what the right thing to do is, even if it is painful and difficult.

He could of course be completely reformed, it might be difficult to tell. I guess the question is, do you want to take that risk? You deserve some happiness. Can he make you happy?

Jeff.

Well, he hasn't done or said anything remotely disrespectful to me or abusive. I will give this a chance, but I am putting the breaks on and will step back and observe vs feed into any emotional pulls I feel towards falling in love. I am going to pause and step back quite a bit. Proceed with caution, is my motto.

We had a good weekend... we went to a hot air balloon festival and music/laser show which was pretty impressive! Sat we drove up north out of state for brunch and wandered around Portsmouth, then just chilled out at home that evening with Chinese food and movies. He left Sunday morning for Maine. He told me several times that he's falling in love with me. I told him Sunday before he left that I am slower and need to take things at my own pace. There were a few instances where I wondered if he was being controlling this weekend. Not red flags but yellow flags, so I am observing and standing back still. He will be in Maine until Wednesday and I likely won't see him again until Saturday, unless he stops through on his way home from Maine. I am wondering if he is happy on his own in his life. I feel pretty happy on my own in my life. I don't want someone who is looking for someone else to complete them or to make them happy. That's important to me. He did linger a little bit past my comfort level on Sunday morning. After two nights together, I was ready to be on my own again. He stayed and lingered past a shower and breakfast, and it got to a point where I had to say something so that he would leave. But overall, I am enjoying my time with him.

In my career/job, I am in a state of limbo. I am having trouble mustering up the energy for a full fledged job search and application process. At the same time, my company is so dysfunctional, that I want to leave sooner than later, but I can't seem to pour my energy into job searching.

A part of me enjoys the cushiness of my current role. And a large part of me is enjoying the stability that a steady job brings into my life.

My life was in upheaval for 7 years, until I landed this job two years ago. I was laid off from 3 jobs in 7 years, which caused a ton of stress.

I need stability in my life, and that whole time the only stable thing I had was my home because my marriage was troubled.

So, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, unable to move forward, but not wanting to stay where I am.

The other added factor is I am not ready to lead or manage people, and I am at a point in my career where I could be a Director. But I don't want that.

I also don't want to be doing all the heavy lifting in my next role. I outsource the heavy lifting now to agency partners, so I simply just direct the strategy and workflows internally.

I read somewhere that if you're unsure of the next step, then do nothing. Sit with the uncertainty until things become clear.

So, I am passively looking for work. I check job listings periodically, and I poke around. If I see something of interest, I will apply. But that's the most energy I can commit to this process right now.

Plus, it's summer and I feel like summer is a time to relax and unwind. Put up your feet and enjoy the summer days outdoors.

Of course, last night I was in bed by 6 PM. I don't know why, except that I was sick of being on the couch and it was too hot to be outside. So I went to bed and watched Seinfeld until I fell asleep around 10 pm. Oh well, it's what I chose to do!

Still, I am a bit frustrated by this limbo state.

I can’t remember where I saw the article now, but I read a study that looked at the very issue you’re battling with. I think it was done over a period of time, and looked at people who were in a genuine dilemma over whether to accept the status quo or plunge into the change. The conclusion was that, on the whole, the people who chose change felt better for having made the plunge. That’s not to say it always worked out well, but, in the grand scheme of things, they felt they benefited from breaking the stagnancy.

Jeff.

Thanks Jeff! What I'm saying though is I cannot muster up the energy to devote to a full time job search. I just don't have it within me right now, so I feel I have no choice but to sit still and keep doing what I am doing until I do find the energy.

I get that, Have Hope. It’s not easy by any means. I envy people who cope with change well and who actively seek it out.

You have a well paid job and are relatively settled, that’s not an easy thing to part with.

Jeff.

Find a headhunter to do your footwork.

Sounds like a real change in scenery could really help. A new start?

It wont be easy, but every day is a adventure till you settle in.
I was forced to do this for my mental health 16 years ago.
I still talk to my old shrink 1700 miles away. She agrees this was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I hope the dust settles soon for you, so you can get back to living your best life.

I usually do. But right now I don't want change.

Thanks, and yes, it would help, but in time. As I mentioned, I'm not ready to leap. I will use a recruiter or two when the time is right. I am willing to put up with the dysfunction until I am fully ready. I am enjoying my summer and the stability of this job.