Building a Whole New Life

Just a couple of examples. I lived 2 miles from the closest library. I was probably 7 or 8 when I walked to the library and took out a book on how to play chess. I taught myself to play chess. I was lonely for competition and my mother said your father knows how to play chess. Ask him for a game. So I checkmate my dad and give him a few minutes to make sure he has no more moves. Finally I say "it's a good checkmate, dad." He sweeps his forearm across the board, knocking all the pieces to the floor and says "you don't have to rub it in." I have many more examples but the last one occurred when i was an adult.
I graduated at the top of my vo tech class with a degree in specialized technology (electronics). I had interviews and job offers from the NSA, NCR, and several other fortune 500 companies. I worked 5 years for a 500 company and decided It wasn't for me.. I moved over to the post office and carried mail for 18 months. I had a walking route that was 7 miles long. My dad congratulated me on getting a "real job". If all I ever wanted was a real job, I would have stayed in Pgh where I was at the top of the fireman's hiring list. I took the postal test for electronics technician and aced it. I received job offers from across the US. In no time I was making $70k annually in a job that wasn't even real. That was 20 years ago. I wasted a lot of time and effort trying to get my father to love me.He just seemed to relish the opportunity to hurt me.

I am waiting for HR to get back to me about the conclusion of their investigation.I am on pins and needles, waiting to hear something. Another more senior colleague stepped on my toes yesterday, dismissing my authority by seeking a second opinion from our agency partner, even after I gave a conclusion, with my opinion. It seriously rubbed me the wrong way, and I felt stepped on. I think she's also friends with my boss.

I suspect this more senior colleague is highly toxic. She wrote a poor peer review of me last year by stating I do not always follow process, creating tension with others and not allowing relationship building. She made it seem like I had done this repeatedly, when it officially only happened ONCE in an entire year! What a biatch. I don't like her, and I don't like my boss. I am starting to not like my company, though I have been enjoying the stability it's provided since my career was unstable for the last 7 years.

So, with this other more senior colleague, I wrote a very diplomatic, professional, and polished separate email telling her that I will continue to lead the strategy and decisions, and the agency partner will support. I told her I will inform her when anything is of high priority. I set the record straight, and I basically told her to stay in her lane. She did not respond, even though I offfered further collaboration to strengthen our partnership or process.

How rude and how utterly toxic of her!!! She couldn;t acknowledge my expertise OR my authority, and instead chose to ignore my email altogether, even though the subject heading indicated I wanted her alignment. What a total biatch.

So I have TWO totally biatchy women I am dealing with, who are both senior to me and who are both highly toxic.

I knew something was wrong with her when I received her awful peer review. I just knew it. She threw me under the bus! And now, she's refusing to acknowledge my position and authority as the in-house expert, while our agency is hired to support me? And instead, she went to the agency for their expertise, when she should have addressed her questions to me, being the company's internal senior manager? WOW. Just WOW.

I am seriously FLOORED by how absolutely horrid people's behavior can be!

I will NOT let her toxicity effect my confidence! She has no bearing on my work, and she is not even a stakeholder. She manages the website updates that I send to her team. She has nothing to do with strategy, and nothing to gain by asking how we can rank higher for a certain keyword.

I am really taken aback....

My company has a STRICT "no retaliation" policy when an employee reports bad behavior to HR, including anyone I interact with. No one is allowed to retaliate in response to my report regarding my boss bullying me.

I think I will report this woman's behavior as potentially retaliatory, because she is friends with my boss and since her behavior is drastically different than how she has recently been interacting with me.

OYE!

I reported her. Now I’m waiting around for HR to conclude their investigation into my boss’s bullying behavior and now this woman too.

I’m feeling awful inside. I feel like I must be a horrible person. People gang up on me, bully me and abuse me. Why, I don’t know but I must deserve it somehow.

People don’t like me and try to tear me down.

And today I felt gaslighted by my boss. She’s being sugary sweet, like syrup. It made me wonder if I’m just imagining that she’s devaluing me and being two faced, smiling at me while stabbing me in the back and undermining me.. slowly and subtly. Overtly yet in a sneaky cover your tracks manner. I felt gaslighted given how nice she was being today.

But now her boss is on me about some data mixup I made. He gives me a hard time sometimes. I get it from both of them.
I feel very very low. The lowest I’ve felt in a long time.

Building my new crap life I should call this thread.

My self worth is down the toilet. I have no self worth anymore. Throw enough crap at the barn door.. it eventually sticks.

It's hopeless. No one can help me. I asked for a thread of mine to be deleted. I think I just have to accept my past somehow, come to terms with it and move on. Talking about it just makes it seem so pathetic.

I went to see my favorite Colorado-based band last night - this is one band that my ex husband did not share with me. I went by myself and had a great time. I met a woman who was very nice, but older than me, and I met the lead singer finally. I said the dumbest thing though - he had told a story of how when they were hurting for music gigs years ago they used to play for the elderly. The lead singer told us that they were their most appreciative audience. So I told the lead singer that they should play for the elderly again because they would enjoy it. I felt stupid for saying that - it was the only thing that popped out of my mouth other than, I've been seeing your band play for the last 30 years, lol.

Oh well. He's not as cute as he used to be. He used to be very good looking, and now he looks ragged and much older. Still cute, just not like before.

Anyways, it was fun and I'm glad I went.

So.. I'm trying now to come to terms with and accept my horrible past for what it is/was.. It's time for me to close the chapter and begin a brand new one - perhaps even a new book - the sequel to my life. My first half of life was fairly miserable due to so many abusive relationships and situations I've faced. I've had many life challenges.

So the first half of my life I view as being excruciatingly difficult - yet also combined with many spectacular, once-in-a-lifetime experiences. I've hiked the Himalayan Mtns., I've lived on an island in Greece, I've lived in Dublin, Ireland, as well as all over the United States. I've been blessed and feel very privileged to have had many unforgettable, life changing experiences.

So it hasn't been ALL BAD - but mainly bad for the last 25 years at least. And as a kid, I think I suffered from depression. I was so insecure and unsure of myself. I followed my sister and her friends around like a puppy dog until I was 19 years old. That's when I went to Nepal - at 18 - and that's when If first felt true confidence in myself and independence and autonomy from my toxic upbringing. It was in Nepal that I discovered my true self - and I loved that person.

That's who I want to be again, if I were to go back to a former version of myself. But I cannot undo the horrific and abusive past 25 years of my life. I can only go forward... and I want to take that younger, more innocent and pure self with me. She had a girlish and childlike excitement about life - that's what I want back...

Anyways, I am focusing on letting go of the last 25 painful years to open and start a brand new book of my life.

My life is far from over and I have much more to accomplish before I go. I want to look to the future with optimism. I want to experience joy even through the difficulties I am having right now with my boss at work. I want to overcome and come out on the other side, a happier and more peaceful person. I want to let go.

So, after much reflection, I've come to the answers myself and probably better than a therapist could, to be perfectly honest.

I believe the last therapist I saw thought I may have a personality disorder. He honed in on various conflicts I've had with people over the years and clearly wasn't seeing my perspective or side of things. He also put me down several times in our sessions, so I felt the need to clarify and stand up for myself.

That was the final straw for me with therapists. For some reason, the universe is closing that door on me repeatedly, so I believe the universe wants me to come to my own answers.

And I have. I am starting to see a glimmer of light through the darkness of my life. Yes, my life has been most challenging. I've had an inordinate amount of challenge thrown my way... and I personally believe more than the average person will face in a lifetime. But I keep standing up, again and again and again. Fall down seven times, stand up eight, as they say.

I'm like the Phoenix Rising. I have overcome SO much.

For the last couple of weeks I've been feeling sorry for myself for having dealt with so much trauma and abuse. The one thread that I can weave throughout those experiences is my will to overcome and achieve my goals. I fought my way through those challenges each and every time. It takes strength, stamina, determination, and courage to fight for your self respect, happiness, and place in life. And I fought.

So, I've fought very hard to get where I am today. And I am not going to let two toxic witches drive me out of a good job. My job is a real resume builder. The longer I stay, the better it looks to other future employers.

If I am dying of misery after HR's investigation is over, I will start looking for jobs in the Fall. But I sure as hell am not giving up now. Not when I've won each battle I have had to face to date in my career.

If I can make it past the two-year mark in my current role, which is this month, I will be happy enough. I've been laid off/let go FOUR times in the last SEVEN years. I need stability and longevity on my resume.

And, if I can say it here, I am really good at what I do. I am highly skilled and am an expert in my industry so to speak, with nearly 15 years of dedicated experience under my belt. I know a lot from independent studies and certification courses, and I have many achievements. I also happen to enjoy the work I do, which helps.

So this witch, my boss, is not going to drive me out of the company as she hopes. NOPE. I am fighting for it, for my right to be there and to exist.

I don't know WHY I had to have so many challenges in my career and romantic life. I suppose I had to learn and to grow. I suppose it was meant to strengthen me - to what end I do not know.

But I do feel stronger now than I have in the last couple of weeks. My strength is rebounding, and it feels wonderful. Only a couple of days ago I felt so hopeless and in despair. But I pray to God nearly every day and am carrying the faith that God is fighting and winning my battles for me. It's my faith that is pulling me forward and out of the pit of despair I was drowning in.

Call it God, call it your higher power, call it the universe, or whatever - but I believe we all need to believe there is something far greater and far more powerful than us. And I believe all will end in my favor. I am going to hold onto this belief and my faith.

The imagery, title, and energy of this thread is a cure for me itself.

Um, let's see. How am I feeling...

Neglected. Clear. Misunderstood. Worthy. Sweetheart. Known.

But I've felt this way before.

I am aware of myself, and I didn't think when I began this commentary that I would be typing the following sentence, but I feel the beginning of the development of tears of gratitude as I plan to:

I am healed. I want to sing and dance about it. A lot! Um, I am escaping/escaped from a very damaging (sexually) famous cult. I disagree with it. I am a feminine male. I was a sexual child. The religion or cult beatrified and attempted to take those things away from me. The language they engrain beginning before you're 8 years old (baptism age) is patriarchy-worshipping and corrupt.

I suggest (more than I recommend) a spiritual path separate from any institution that deals with the USD or paper in general. Save the rainforest to be honest.

I'm gonna find some more cures for cancer, speaking of.

Anyway, this was a heavy one. Sorry if it doesn't match the vibes. I am grateful this forum exists, and if someone does take my advice to go more spiritual or energetic rather than church boy or church girl...

I am so encouraging of that. Simultaneously, full disclosure, my personal path of doing that did lead me to severe shelterlessness but equally sublime transcendence as well.

Thank you. Thank y'all. Love y'all. Good luck, and if you don't believe in it, may I for you?

OMG - so there is a woman I used to be friends with - two years ago I would say. We immediately clicked when we first met. We thought it's because we're both Libra signs. Well, before I knew it, this woman was treating me like her therapist - leaning on me far too much to counsel her through a frightening experience with an ex boyfriend. She would cry on the phone, and I would spend an hour or more counseling her. After a couple of months of this, I decided to set a limit and. I let her know. Well, she didn't like me setting a boundary, so she became nasty in response, ending up with me blocking her and ending the friendship. I determined she is very unstable and looking for a therapist, not a friend.

Well, time went by and we would bump into each other now and again. When we did, she was friendly and would smile at me.

Well, I ran into her last night while out with friends. I walked up to her, since it had been two years, and tried to give her a hug. She flat out said "NO" and put her hands up telling me to keep my distance. So I was like, "really?" And she said "YEA, REALLY", as though I were the bad guy in this situation.

All I did was set a boundary and told her that I couldn't continue talking about her ex boyfriend. And this is how she reacts. So I am the bad guy for setting a limit.

I've read that toxic people don't like boundaries being set. I knew she was toxic after speaking with her for a few months. I knew it. Or at the very least, mentally unstable.

But last night? After she blocked me from hugging her? She then danced around the entire dance floor, coming near me several times as though to taunt me. It was sickening. I felt like it was some sort of weird kind of power play. It was WEIRD.

WTH?????

It's as the world turns in my toxic world... UGH.

Then last night the guy I've been hanging out with as friends told me he has a crush on me. Now I'm afraid we cannot hang out anymore in case he is uncomfortable or feeling weird about it all. I wish that hadn't happened so we could continue being pals and best buds. Bummer.

Talk to him and set boundaries. What ever you want. I have all kinds of different relationships with women friends! Im 61 years old, and life is getting shorter.

Yes, I agree. It may not be that simple though. It will depend on his comfort level. Since he has a crush on me, it may be hard for him to hang out platonically with me. I don't know yet. He said it would be difficult.

Depending on the age I can agree. At my age, been divorced once will never marry again.

Cant say I have a friend with benefits now, but I did.
Have one friend who likes to go to a clothing optional resort with me. Shes hot, sleeps in another room when we stay together. Its all good. If she invited me into bed I would be there in a heartbeat.
She never has, thats ok. Maybe my age has something to do with it?
You call the shots, he fails, he will know the consequences!

I don't even want friends with benefits with this male friend of mine. I am not at all physically attracted to him. He has a huge beer belly and drinks way too much - that's very unattractive to me.

I am glad to hear it.... though I don't know what imagery you're referring to... but I am glad to hear that my thread has positively touched another.

I may be paranoid, but no one on my team has been in the office this week except for me, and I am wondering if my boss tried to rig things this way. She and one colleague both took a work from home week. My third colleague has construction going on in her home and has been working from home the last two days. Which leaves me sitting in the office in our team row all by myself the last two days.

I told my boss Tue that I was going home to work because it was too isolating.

Yesterday, I left the office at 10 am after learning the third colleague is still at home with the construction. And today? Today I am imagining she will be home again. So now I am wondering if my boss encouraged her to stay home to leave me all alone at work, further isolating me and contributing to a deepened sense of isolation within my smaller team.

That's precisely what my boss had been doing prior to my complaint to Human Resources: attempting to make me feel isolated from my team. She even had dropped me from her Instagram account, while remaining connected to other colleagues.

I feel like I need to get out of this job ASAP at this point. I am uncomfortable and miserable at work. And I am starting to get paranoid. It feels horrible, and I don't want to be there anymore. It's very hard to work.

Ok.... I met a new man. New -ish. We hit it off incredibly well. We've actually been talking on Facebook since November, but only just met in person last weekend, for the second time I think. I don't recall meeting him before but he says we've met in the past at a music club we both like.

Well, we had a non-date date last night. We went to a show together. There was attraction and some kissing. We danced and had an amazing time together. We learned more about each other and seem to have a lot in common. He's cute too. A little on the shorter side - he may be 5’ 4" or 5' 5". I am 5' 2" and was in heels making us nearly the same height.

He's cool. I really liked him. Driving home 45 minutes I couldn't stop smiling and felt like something real could unfold here. For the first time since my divorce I've felt this way.

BUT there is the male friend who confessed has a crush on me. I did gently inform my male friend last weekend that I don't feel the same way. Yet he's also under the impression., because I told him so, that I don't want to date anyone right now.

How do I approach the subject with my male friend? How do I tell him I've now met someone I may want to date??? It happens - I wasn't looking for someone - this just came up. What do I do? I have been spending a lot of time with this male friend and will be hanging out with him on Sunday for a show. I don't know what to do.

New guy told me today that he's "falling" for me and is really into me.... hmm...... this may actually turn into a love relationship. I see the possibility!

But I have to tell my male friend about this and about wanting to now date someone. Gently.

I hung out with my male platonic friend yesterday and I didn't tell him. It wasn't the right situation for informing him I want to date someone. I don't know why I feel such an obligation to him, but I feel it's the right thing to do. He should know I now am interested in dating...

New guy told me he's falling for me like a star last night.... It feels very soon for this. I pray he is not like the others in my past. Previous bad relationships moved very fast, so it makes me wary of things moving quickly now.

Oh boy.

I agree it is to soon....But thats ok, whats the rush, right?
Whats the old saying good things comes to those who wait?
I am happy for you, stay the course and enjoy this special time in a relationship.

As for the other guy, let him find out slowly. If he is a friend you dont want him hurt. Life is about having many friends, not burning bridges.
I hope your work situation gets better, and your relationships get better!
Hop you have a awesome day!!!!

Thank you!! That’s great advice!!! I appreciate you. 😊

WOW. In a good way!!!!

I am falling for the new guy... little by little, and it's only just the beginning... the tiniest little bud of love opening up my heart again, for the first time in years.

I will take it slowly, I am not rushing in, but I feel it in my heart, mind, and body.... it's a new feeling for me. And a long awaited one.

We're clicking so well, and have so much to say to each other... we could talk for hours and not run out of things to talk about.. there's so much common ground.

It's unreal and magical. Magic is unfolding right before my eyes. I can hardly believe it...

Yes, I realize it's only been a couple of weeks that we've been talking. It's been daily texting and communications... last night we spent over an hour on the phone.

Tonight he's driving to my home and then we're driving up north out of state to the beach for a show on the beach. It will be amazing.

Last weekend we got together Fri and Sat nights and had the best time together.

And he's a gentleman! He's a gentle soul... I can tell. He's been through rough times, like me, but different. He's a soldier, not literally, but figuratively.

We're the exact same age.. He's pagan, I'm Christian - what an interesting mix.

I cannot wait to see what unfolds next...