Building a Whole New Life

Well done. You were brave and made a move to change your situation. Fingers crossed for you.

Jeff.

Thanks so much, Jeff.

I need a job offer to come through asap!!!

Yesterday was SO awful with my boss that I went home to work for the rest of the day.

She is making it SO uncomfortable AND miserable for me.

It's beyond obvious she is trying to push me out of the company and completely alienate me within my team.

Yesterday, when I confided in a teammate about all the hurdles I face in my job, my teammate ended up blurting out that I am a square peg in a round hole - I was talking to her about my gripes within the role and company and NOT about my boss whatsoever, but given that her angle was that I don't fit in versus the issues I was ACTUALLY discussing, it was clear that she was repeating to me what my boss is saying to her. My boss is obviously talking to my two teammates about me in her efforts to alienate me and push me out of the company.

The reason why I know this to be true is because she talks behind people's back in just that manner and says mean things about people we work with behind their backs.

I am severely depressed... I am seething and riddled with anger and rage at my boss.

I have to do well in this interview on Friday though, so I have to somehow and miraculously pull myself together.

Keep faith with looking for a new job. Your work situation sounds thoroughly miserable. I’ve been in this situation, and it’s just horrendous.

You’ll get there.

Thanks for the encouragement, Jeff. You were in a similar situation? Whereby a boss wanted to push you out? How did you handle it? DId you decide to leave the job?

It IS horrendous. Yesterday though a step was taken. I spoke again about it with my boss's boss. Let's say his name is Ales. Alex will now speak with his boss, let's say his boss is named Chris. So Alex is going to speak with Chris about the issues I face with my boss. Let's say my boss's name is Amy. I asked Alex if there can be a different reporting structure. I hope Alex brings this question to Chris.

Amy was just as awful to me yesterday - once again, shmoozing with my co-workers and so blatantly not with me.

I am now also very sick with a sinus infection and had to spend an hour at urgent care last night after work, followed by 45 minutes at the pharmacy. I had to buy $100 worth of medicine to treat the infection. I didn't have that kind of extra money, so I had to charge it to a credit card. UGH! So I came home completely wiped out and could not for the life of me begin prepping for my interview.

it's going to be last minute prepping, which I hate. But, a higher paying job would be most beneficial right now, on top of leaving my horrid boss and situation at work.

Sorry to hear about that, those sorts of situations are horrible. Keep yourself calm, you’ve got this, you’ll get a new job before long and be away.

I’ve been in situations with bad bosses a few times over the years, and so I understand how much it affects life in these circumstances. It overshadowed everything for me.

After a reorganisation, I found myself working for a guy who was being supportive and nice to my face, but behind the scenes was throwing me under the bus at every opportunity. It took me a while to work it out. As result of his duplicity, I had a very, very uncomfortable time in his team. I’d decided I couldn’t stand it another week, and so I wrote my resignation with the intention of handing it in at the end of the week. As luck would have it, our senior manager called me into his office just before the end of the week and told me that I was being moved to another role in another team. Had this not have happened I would have just walked, as planned.

I guess it’s life really, there’s good and bad in everything. A few years later, after yet another reorganisation, I found myself in a similar situation again. Life was just a misery. On this occasion I did resign. It turned out to be for the best.

Jeff.

Thank you so much. Right now, my happiness depends on being able to leave this horrid boss and company ASAP.

Oh my goodness, you've face some excruciatingly difficult times at work - same with me. You were so fortunate the first time. WOW.

Unfortunately, I can't outright quit since I have bills and a home to pay for. If I could, I would. I hate her that much, and it's impacting my life that much.

I need to get your opinions on my own behavior - I am asking for honest feedback on whether I am rude, out of line, or just simply perhaps making a very minor mistake or infraction...

So twice now I've received a shocked glaring look from my boss. The first time was a few months ago when she was conversing with my colleague next to my desk and was several minutes late for our 1:1 meeting. Since I was sitting right next to them, I leaned over in that direction, interjected, and asked her if she was ready for our 1:1 meeting. She looked SHOCKED over my question - her reaction to me read as though she was saying through facial expression, how DARE YOU interrupt me to ask about your 1:1 meeting.

The second shocked glaring look I received from her was yesterday. My phone headset wasn't working for a call. She was getting on the call as well, but wasn't on yet. I leaned over trying to get her attention to let her know and waved, but she didn't see me. So I gave her a tiny gentle poke on her arm to alert her that my headset isn't working. She gave me the same SHOCKED, HOW DARE YOU glare in response.

Now, I understand physical touching in the workplace may not be ok, depending on the person. But she sometimes does it with my two colleagues, and once with. me. I hadn't thought it through, and I was feeling ill so my head was cloudy, but that's what I did and that's the response I got.

What do you think of those two instances? Was I out of line? Was I deserving of such a glare?

I am at the end of my rope and am becoming seriously depressed as a result of all of this crap. I have a severe sinus infection right now which is only making things feel that much worse.

Yesterday, I sent documentation of the issues I face with my boss to her boss to inform his boss. So now it's in writing.

They were bad times - that's just the way it goes. I was lucky on both counts. Although, in the first instance the senior manager in question knew me well, and had been responsible for moving me into that situation in the first place. He'd put me there to do a specific job, which I did. I'm fairly certain he knew what had been happening to me as a result, and must have sussed that I'd had enough, and so he intervened.

You're right, resigning isn't an option when you are on your own - I was lucky to have a supportive partner.

Jeff.

How I interact with people depends on how well I think I know them (as well as we can ever truly know anyone, as there will always be things we don’t know, no matter how well we think we do).

It’s really difficult to comment on your situation as I’ve never met you or your boss in real life.

However, taking myself as an example, I do know I’m a hyper-sensitive person, and so I pick up what I know can be very subtle things - tone of voice, body language etc., and I know I’m prone to misinterpret these, or be overly sensitive. What you and I might interpret as a disparaging glare, others may not. Also, the question to ask yourself is this: is your mindset towards your boss so biased now (rightly or wrongly - this isn’t a criticism), that you are set to see your boss in a negative light whatever she does?

To answer your question though, I wouldn’t have interrupted your boss to tell her she was missing my 1:1. She’s your boss, it’s her job to know that. She’s also your boss, so she can change her priorities. It would be courteous to let you know, or have come to you and said “I’m really sorry I’m late for your 1:1, please bear with me there’s something I urgently need to talk to one of your colleagues about first”. That would still be poor, as it potentially implies you’re less important than someone else, but no one’s perfect. These things happen.

In terms of prodding her, I think I’d have avoided that unless I knew her really, really well.

But, I’m not you. I’m not in your situation. It’s hard to look at things objectively. From your previous posts, I’d say looking for a new role is best, but like all things in life there are opportunities to evaluate and learn from what you’ve experienced, and bear those things in mind when you do find another job.

Jeff.

Thanks so much for your feedback and comments!! Much appreciated.

I wish I could recall exactly what I said to her when she was overlapping her conversation with a colleague with my 1:1 meeting. I may have asked her if she needed more time instead. I know I didn't say, hey, we have a meeting now. I said something different. Maybe it was rude of me and uncalled for. Maybe I did get inpatient. Perhaps I did.

Gently touching her arm I thought was OK, but it probably wasn't the best move. I can learn from these mistakes though.

I don't think I am being overly sensitive about her glaring at me over these things. I pick up on everything, and it was clear as day she didn't appreciate or like what I did. So be it. I rub her the wrong way.

And perhaps it's HER bias towards ME that is making her react that way. To me, these are minor infractions on my part, or should have been more minor. But she glared at me as though I had committed a major crime.

Hi HH,

Wow, that's rough. I would feel pretty overwhelmed if I were in your shoes. It's not surprising you are feeling wary of others after being in that unhealthy atmosphere for five years. Seems like some serious self-love is needed.

It sounds like you are pretty self-critical in your narrative, and I wonder if there's some way you can make space for all those difficult feelings? Maybe getting all that out in your post helped for example, and if so, would it help to make it a regular habit? I've often found journaling about my challenges helps give me some distance from the pain they cause, so I can more easily reflect and prioritize what I would like to change. Other mindfulness practices can be very powerful too, if you're into that sort of thing.

Based on what you were saying about your relationship, it definitely sounds like now is a good time to focus on you. Maybe there's a gentle way you can start connecting to some of those hobbies you mentioned, like going for a weekly hike by yourself or a close friend to start? What other things did the "old you" love doing?

And I totally agree on cutting out the toxic people. My wife and I separated for about a year previously, and the first few months had pretty minimal contact. It gave us time to rediscover ourselves and the kind of people we wanted to spend our time with. We did eventually decide to continue together, but it taught us a lot about how to set boundaries and protect ourselves when we needed it.

I hope that however you are today, you find the opportunity to be kind to yourself. This is not forever. Good luck.

Yes, undoubtedly your boss will have her own bias too. I think where I was going with this was back to the fact that you know how she is going to behave towards you, and for your own sanity maybe try and neutralise it a bit by trying to let it wash over you. I don’t mean to trivialise it, I’m just trying to think how you can protect yourself by kind of putting your “shields up” when you interact with her, knowing how she is going to react.

Keep following the route out.

Jeff.

Hello @DopamineAddict, and thanks so much for your thoughtful and most kind post!

I am indeed very hard on myself. And that comes from a lifetime of bullying and abuse, beyond just my ex husband.

I am a wreck of a person and shouldn't be in any relationship right now.

I do keep a journal, but if I focus on the past and journal it all, I worry it will only engulf me in all those emotions and swallow me whole to the point of not coming out. I have to function at work every day, and my job is most challenging.

I do have a therapy appointment today - a second appointment with a new therapist. If he can fit me into his schedule, I can start seeing a therapist again.

I have been doing the things I love as much as I can. I went skiing on my own recently and will hike again when the weather warms up. I have a newish girlfriend spending the night tonight and we're going to a concert in the. city together. I am doing what I can, as I can afford it, and when I feel like getting out.

I quit smoking recently as well.

Anyways, I am hoping this new therapist can squeeze me in and help me.

@NovaBlaze, yes, you're onto something. I do need to shield myself from her as much as possible.

Next week I am working from home the whole week, so I get a break from sitting next to her in the office and suffering for 3 days straight. There's that at least.

One thing I think I need to get straight in my head: it's NOT ME. It's HER. This is HER ISSUE, NOT MINE. The same thing goes with every other bully and abuser I have run across. I am not doing anything wrong, and this is something I need to get into my head much more.

I am a really solid employee. I come to work on time, I meet every deadline, I am diligent and detail oriented with my work, I achieve the established goals, and I am kind and friendly to all employees. Of course I have my faults and make mistakes, but the other thing I need to get into my head is that I am human and this is normal. I am not perfect, nor is anyone else at work.

But my boss has me walking on egg shells, making me feel like I am doing something seriously WRONG at ALL times.

I am beginning to think that she is a narcissist. Only narcissist bosses make you feel this way.. like you could step on a landmine at any moment and receive their wrath. She manages me with an iron fist and used to nitpick everything I did, UNTIL I brought it to HER boss's attention.

Therapy today should help me. I hope it does at least.

I wish you well with your therapy session. It’s a really positive step forward, along with looking for another role. Keep focusing on the positives.

Jeff.

Thanks, Jeff, I'm trying to be positive. I have an annoying sinus infection going on too, which doesn't help things. Ugh. The hardest part about remaining positive is when you feel most everything is negative. The one silver lining is this job interview with Bose. And I am sick and haven't been able to prepare to my satisfaction yet.

The therapist was OK, but I am not sure about him. After informing him of a few details of my life, he felt there was a common thread of "chaos". And then he commented that my path has not been "linear", with almost a judgmental tone. No, duh. My path has not been linear - and what is wrong with that if it hasn't been?!?!? I felt judged and I didn't like that.

I'm almost feeling worse now. I am on the outs with my boss, and my therapist doesn't get me.

I know I sound negative and down. And I am. But this sinus infection I have has been ongoing, I am pretty sick, and I have this interview today. I couldn't prep yesterday as much as I had hoped. I got up early this morning to do it and the interview is today.

Basically, I am a mess.

Good luck with your interview. Sorry to hear you’re not feeling at your best. Are you the type of person who normally finds that interviews are easy to do and that you can take them in your stride, or do they stress you out?

It’s good that you have got to the position of securing an interview - that in itself is an achievement. If you can secure one interview, then you can secure another, and sooner or later you’ll find a way out of your current unhappy work situation.

Jeff.

Thank you so much for your positivity! I need as much positive encouragement as possible right now.

Interviewing historically speaking has not been that easy for me and sometimes has been excruciatingly difficult in my industry. I get tested and I get knowledge-based questions, which forces me to study up and my field/industry is vast. But this is a first interview with the internal recruiter, so it should be less knowledge based I would imagine.

And I do generally get nervous and anxious over interviewing.

Yes, me too - I used to dread them, especially very early in my career. Unfortunately, I think they’re unavoidable if you want to move on and progress. I always felt that the more exposure I had to them, the less scared I became and the more I improved.

Onwards and upwards.

Jeff.