I revealed to my mother that the name i chose for my baby's first name, Jeremy, was chosen because my best friend in the whole world, and soul brother, is named Jeremy, and that he is gay.

My mother laughed and said I shouldn't name the baby that because what if the baby grew up to be gay like my friend.

I told her that even if he did I would love him to death and that was his choice. She continued to laugh and mock the fact that the baby is going to end up gay when he finds out.

I also plan to make my friend Jeremy the godfather. Just because he is gay does not mean he is any less than anyone else and I know he would love and care for my child better than anyone else in the world.

Thoughts?

[nothemama8]

not only was this rude but shows her intolorence toward anyone unlike her

[AnnieL]

I have a sis who is gay..so I understand your frustration with people who make rude remarks. I am sure Jeremy is a wonderful friend to you, and he will make a great GodFather.

Its amazing to me, how so many people still believe all the nonsense about gay people.

Good luck with your new babe.

[Perna]

It was more than rude, I think it was deliberately hurtful. Even if your mother believed that to be true (a rather ignorant (to put it nicely :-) belief that someone is going to be like another just from a name) I wouldn't have shared something I thought potentially bad or hurtful with my daughter about my grandson! If she doesn't like the name or person for whom your son will be named, there are better ways to express that, not that it is her place to express her opinion of your personal choices!

[SeptemberMorn]

Rain, I think you are totally in the right and have every right to do what you plan. It's YOUR child.

Infortunately, your mom is ignorant about how wonderful a gay man can be as a friend. Being gay doesn't mean that he's anything else, like a pervert.

I had a wonderful gay friend. He loved my youngest and would take him to his house to give him a treat and bring him right back out. My daughter, of all people, used to have hissy fits when I allowed it. She thought Neil might "molest the baby." Give me a break! Just because he was gay, didn't make him a pedophile!

Neil was one of my best friends until he passed a couple years ago... and no, it wasn't from HIV. And Neil's "Johnny" isn't gay!

Thanks everyone. You all think along the same lines as I.

Unfortunately I think this is just another example of how my mother is incredibly immature at times.

I really. Really. REALLY hope that she does not ever think she can tease my boy about being gay because of where his name comes from - that would make me VERY upset with her. I think I am going to talk to her about it and explain that I find this to be very innapropriate, and I do not want her sharing her judgemental beilefs with my son when he is old enough to understand.

[SeptemberMorn]

[lenjan]

Your mother and mine must have been separated at birth. The more you tell us about her, the more I'm certain they're twins.

My mother once told me she would be "mortified" (her word -- have never forgotten it) if one of her children were gay. So I just haven't ever said anything to her about it....One of my nephews is gay and fully out (at 17!! -- brave kid) and she's awful about it.

I think it is your kid and your decision who you associate with and your mom needs to be kept away from your little boy as much as possible. It's a shame she's so clueless, but I applaud you for standing up to her.

(((((hugs))))))

Candy

yeah, its giving me a real sense of "HOW DARE YOU" the more i think about it and have time to process it.

And, I am SERIOUSLY considering telling my mother I want her in active therapy before she can be a part of my child's life in much of a way.

[lenjan]

I think that's an awesome idea. I hope she goes for it. Mine thinks shrinks are quacks, so she won't go, even though she needs therapy worse than anyone I know....and even though I put one T's kid through law school and paid for another's home remodeling talking about my mother!

yeah, mine thinks there is nothing wrong with her and she would be fine if everyone would stop making her upset.

she too thinks therapists are quacks, but you never know, this might just motivate her somewhat.

[sabby]

Rain....I'm sorry you have to put up with the likes of your mom when she is being naive, selfish and ignorant.

I can pretty much tell you that even if she did agree to go to counceling...because she doesn't "see" that she has any issues, anything the T would bring up with be just the motivation she needed to beat feet out of the office never to return again.

It's just like trying to make an alcoholic go to AA. If they are not willing to admit they are an alcoholic, then AA will do nothing for them. If your mom is not willing to admit that her thoughts are skewed, she will get nothing out of therapy.

Hopefully, when your mom sees that precious little baby you are about to have, something in her heart will spark and she will fall in love with this child and want to do right by the child. I pray that happens for all of you.

You name your child anything you like and stand your ground with your mom. You are completely within your rights to do so.


sabby

[Christina86]

It was rude... sometimes our families can be so intolerent.

I like the name Jeremy. I know two different guys with the name, and they're both fantastic individuals for different reasons.

[wisewoman]

I agree with all of the above and suggest she was intentionally hurting you. Those are the words of a hurtful person. And if mine wasn't so old I would suggest we had triplets separated at birth!!

I know this is difficult, I don't even know if it is healthy but I chose the path of saying nothing that could be used as ammo. Anything she could hurt me with. She is cruel too.

[TwilightDawn]

You did well, Rain, and I love the name and reason. ^^ So glad you stood up for him, and... well, you did very very well ^^

i think that was really rude and you should just ignore her and prove her wrong-- show her how awesome your friend it and how well he cares for your baby.

thanks guys, you guys really help with validation of my feelings when it comes to dealing with "the mother", and that is something I need.

[ziggy1]

OMG talk about rude!! My mother is like that too and mocks people

for their sexuality and even race and religion, it irritates me

so much!!! I love the name Jeremy by the way, its a great name!!

[Diprivan]

That was very inconsiderate of her, and I completely agree with you. What difference does it make what your friend's sexual orientation is? This has no bearing on what type of a godparent he will make for your son. That's ridiculous.

If your son would happen to be gay it has nothing to do with his name. That is even more ridiculous. Of course you will love your son no matter what his sexual orientation turns out to be. It sounds like grandma might consider him less of a grandson though. I hope not.

[SerenitysWave]

I agree... very rude! And I am sorry that rudeness came from your mom... I hope she doesnt put that influence on your boy... (((hugs)))

I like the name Jeremy... I wanted it for one of our sons but I have a difficult time pronoucing it... Unfortunately when I say it, it comes out sounding like Germy. We had a guy at work that was named Jeremy and I hated having to page him b/c of the difficulty I have pronoucing it... poor guy.. b/c it is a great name...

[eskielover]

Reading through this post has made me stop & think about the whold picture. Yes, your Mothers reaction was nothing other than completely RUDE.

The other part of the picture is that you know your mother & how she feels about these issues such as gay people. So my question is, why would you come out & tell her something like that, when you know what kind of response you are going to get from her?

When we know how someone feels about something it's best to just not add that piece of information to what we are communicating. Some information isn't even important & ones sexual preferance isn't even an important issue to picking the name. The fact that he is your friend, & is a best friend is all that your mother needed to know about the person you are chosing to name your child after. It's kinda like picking a fight when we know the kind of response we are going to get from someone. Why give someone ammunition you know they will shoot with unless you want them to shoot?

It is sad that people respond rudely to things they strongly disagree with. Honestly, she should have been mature enough to have dropped the gay information & not even responded to it, keeping the conversation to only about the name sadly, it's hard to have enough self control to keep from letting ones feelings get expressed in rude remarks but that doesn't justify her rude remarks.

It's important to understand however that your Mother is as entitled to disapprove of the gay life style as much as you are entitled to accept it or be tolerant of it. We are all entitled to our opinions on what we believe are actions that go against our moral values. Therapy doesn't change our beliefs if our beliefs are based on teaching & moral values that we truely believe in. What therapy can teach us is how to respond in those situations where our beliefs are being challenged or placed in front of us & expected to comment on. The problem with this situation was the way your Mother reacted to something she disagrees with you on....even the fact that she responded ...she allowed her "button to be pushed".

It's important to understand that the beliefs that it is wrong to choose to participate in the gay lifestyle rather than to abstain, comes from the same place that says it's wrong to cheat when you are married, to get drunk, to do drugs, to lie, to steal. It's the action that is considered to be wrong, not that the person isn't a wonderful person. Some people have a problem separating an action from the person that is doing it & then we judge the person as being a bad person when that is far from the truth.

Communications with people who are overly opinionated & rude with their responses is difficult. The sad thing is that when they respond that way, we don't even want to know where their beliefs are coming from & they only make us angry & create nothing but bad feelings.....but knowing this, I would not push buttons I knew existed.

I wish you the best with your baby, & absolutely love the name Jeremy (FYI, my daughters new boyfriend is Jeremy). It's important to have a good friend. They are few & far between & should be treasured. Being a friend isn't dependent on anything other than being kind to each other, supporting each other emotionally, & caring about the well being of each other & just being a good person. A person like that is the most valuable thing one can have in life & nothing else about the person is important except for those characteristics.

Debbie

[wisewoman]

Hey Debbie, I get what you are saying and I agree that we don't know this "MOTHER" I also understand the point about not giving ammo as I tried to state. There are 2 things I want to express here. One is that I was always trying to get approval from that parent even though I knew it wouldn't come. I shared things like the old retriever is sick and doing this and I am thinking of putting her down, and that parent would call me cruel for letting dog suffer though we lived 250 miles apart she knew everything and I was always bad or wrong. So, I suspect that our expecting friend might have been trying to get support in an off kilter kind of way, just as I did. But, is the support ever going to be there? That is the question. Yes, one's sexuality need not be discussed but if you are still seeking approval maybe that little piece is thrown in to make a point about support or to self sabotage the response. I don't know, only what I experienced can I share.

I never told grandmother anything that would make her uncomfortable. She was way racist and hated the ethnicity I ended up marrying into. I didn't need her support, I had it, I knew she loved me no matter, even if she was a racist. Am I making sense Rainbowz and Debbie? BTW Debbie, good to see you.

Yes, you both make good sense in what you are saying.

Just to clarify, the suggestion for therapy wasn't about her reaction this time, but numerous reactions in the past. It is more cumulative and more about her suicidal, sometimes explosive and violent and self harming tendancies. This was just another reaction on top of everything else that is going on with her, and she is refusing help and making most of us miserable in the process.

I want to include my mother in my life, I really do, but it is things like this that make me hold back. I mean, dear god, what would happen if i dislosed to her that I was bisexual? She would have an absolute fit.

Why did i choose to tell her? Well, because she has never met my friend Jeremy in person, and when she did she would absolutely know he was gay, as he is VERY feminine. I wanted to test out what she thought before she said something rude to him in person if he comes to visit. And yeah, i should have suspected that she would react the way she did, your right.

[AAAAA]

(((((Rain))))) Grandparents are funny about names. While I think you're mother's "logic" is ridiculous my own mother's was just as bad.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, it took forever to pick a name (Elizabeth). I called home all excited (we were in Japan at the time) and my mother's response "oh, you can't name her that, don't you remember crazy Aunt Elizabeth?" No, I did not and it seems that there was no reason to remember her as she died before I was born.

I caved and named her the name I had choosen for my eldest had he been a girl. Stick to your guns!

[eskielover]

WW,
Yes, what you are saying makes perfect sense. It is sad that we attempt to get approval, or even attention by doing thing we know are going to get a response....even if it isn't a positive response, at least it's a response.

I think the support they are expecting to get will never be there. Sometimes we expect something that isn't possible & keep trying to beat our heads against the wall to get it. Some people have the ability to support in ways that aren't what we exactly want either & some people don't have the ability to give any support.

It is sad that people have children when they aren't capable of being a parent. It is sad that we have to take a test & have a license to drive a car, but when it comes to being a parent & having a child that we don't even have to be a responsible person or know anything about caring for another human being. As children, we learn to cope with our situations as best as possible & most of the time, our coping skills are that of the child we are....sadly, those coping skills have a way of sticking with us for the rest of our lives. Even with therapy, it's hard to change the coping skills we learned as a child because they have become such a part of our lives & even though they didn't work, learning change is the most difficult thing one can ever have to do.

Usually people who are intollarant of a behavior haven't taken the time to really know why they feel the way they do....which is why they have a tendency to be rude in their responses. When one is capable of truely knowing why they feel the way they do about something & have taken the time to think it through, they are usually able to express themselves to others in a way that is acceptable rather than throwing out rude words. Sadly many people approach life this way & it only makes being a parent even worse because they can't express to their children the important knowledge of other points of view & be a good example of how to accept & handle other points of view.

Good to see you too, WW.
Debbie