<font color="purple">I have come to the conclusion that I pretty much want to be a victim. Why? Because the recognition feels good, it's nice for people to notice and love you, and having some sort of mental illness of any sort makes me feel more unique then other people. I've convinced myself that I'm troubled, and then dig up any and every bad thing that ever happened to me to help to verify this. It feels like I'd rather NOT recover- even if something bad happened.

Of course, I also think at the same time that if this IS the case, then obviously there is something wrong because no normal human being would want to put themselves though this, no matter how much they like the attention. Well, unless they are histrionic and a hypochondriac or something.

Sorry people here at PC.
I feel like crap for trying to grab at your emotions like that.
Because, I don't exactly need them, and someone else probably needs them more.
Maybe I should just go and stop bothering people. </font>

[nowheretorun]

(((Kaika))) you matter to me and many others.. you do not take up space... you are working on it...

youn feel low now... it happens when memories are dredged... you have the will and the power to get thru it.. you are gasping for air a little right now...

breathe and you will be better... take your time and let yourself blend with the good vibes you have in you...

do you meditate? its helped me alot...

take care now...

<font color="purple">I just don't know, I mean, I could just be kicking myself while I'm down, but could actualy be right to. I don't really want to be right about this though because it goes against alot of my values ad makes me a bad person. (I don't want to be a bad person!)

I've tried to meditate before, sometimes it works and sometimes my brain just refuses to slow down or stay still for a moment and it pretty much ruins everything. (infact, the only time it HAS been succesful is when I'm outside of in the water) </font>

[nowheretorun]

i dont believe that very many really bad people exist, and you would not appear on that short list Kaika..

i hope i was not a 'bad' person when i was down and confused... i was down and confused wasnt i? not bad? i didnt intend to be bad... but the dark cloud is very wide at times..

those are some good life enjoyments you can think about or look forward to... thats' so important imo..

i can relate to a lot of what you say... it took me a long time to work my way thru it... im glad you have hope and dreams Kaika.... when there was so little else i could find something there that kept me moving..

its so important i think to know when to take a good, mind restoring rest for yourself... i hope you do continue seeking and trying.. those two things can really take you far imo..

sending you good hope Kaika, dont give up.. you really really do matter.. we all do...

<font color="purple">thanks Perna </font>

[BalishBun]

dont get so down on yourself. I sometimes like the attention when I am sick.

(((((((((Kaika ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
you are never a bother
everyone needs alittle attention at times
nothing wrong with that
you matter
when somethings bothering you its good to talk about it
that why listening is so important
if you need a ear i am here
muffy

[Mouse_]

I have felt this way too. I would have to tell everyone EVERYTHING about me. Yes the things I have told people happened, but its the intensity of the hole inside of me to get these things witnessed and validate by others that was the real issue. Everyone in their life has things that could effect them in their day to day existence, but the difference I feel for them and others like "us"/"Me" is there wasn't anyone there at the time of the events to help me, thats where the main wound is created. I've found with therapy and getting the "attention" I so desperately needed, has helped me not need to look for it from everyone in my life now, and what I share becomes less dramatic and more from a genuine place within me, if that makes sense?

[gimmeice]

((((Kaika))))
I don't think you are a bad person.

[Cyran0]

Hey, validation feels good. So be it. I'm sure most of us here, if being completely honest, would have to admit that one of the things we like here is the attention we get. After all, normally we have to hide our pain and suffer alone. Here you can cry your eyes out and get a hug afterwards.

But what you're missing is that your pain is real to you and that's all that's needed for membership here.

And hey, if a little attention is what you need to get through the day, I'm happy to give you a little attention.

Cyran0

(((((kaika))))))))))

[altonwoodsdrphil]

I just want to encourage you by saying that being honest with ourselves about ourselves is where any positive change has to begin! where do you go from here?

[Razzleberry]

Honestly? I feel the same way sometimes.

[SerenitysWave]

I can relate for sure... I sometimes enjoy the attention... maybe it is more of a validation though... IDK... I know I have embraced being "different" and "abnormal", and like that I am unique... Of course the lows are terribly painful and the highs can be too... and all the in bewteen isnt a walk in the park either but all in all... its me and I like me and that is what counts I guess...

So dont be so hard on yourself... continue to be honest with yourself, love yourself, and allow yourself the attention and the validation... (((hugs))))