Why do people have kids?

I'm not joking here. I know all the resons that I don't want children. I would like to hear from the people who have children, as to why you wanted to have them. I have been very interested in studying mother-daughter relationships lately and then I started wondering about children in general and what peoples' reasons are for wanting them. I appreciate all responses. Thank you.

I didn't necessarily WANT my children, they were kinda like accidents...a good oops tough. Either way I would have had children, but much later. I want four altogether, but I have now and don't want another two till the ones I have now are older.

Anyway, I think people have kids to fulfill their lives. People rely on family, it's a socialization thing...we are social creatures. Reproducing is like leaving apart of yourself for the future, and it continues and continues.

Naturally a woman wants to reproduce between 30-40, when the biological clock starts ticking. It's natures way of telling them it's time to reproduce.


My question is to you: why have you decided to not have kids?

i haven't had any kids, yet. i'm 36 and want to have one before i turn 40, for health and risks reasons with pregnancy. my hubby and i hope to have one or two. we have held off on that due to my chronic severe depression and financial issues (we have too many medical bills and debt). i'm afraid to have kids because i feel way too responsible for the kids' mental health well-being and don't want my illness to affect them in a negative way. not only that, it's so scary to have kids with things that go on in the world that are out of my control. and i definitely have severe trust issues with the public school systems (i can't afford private schooling and it's impossible to find a secular private school). i doubt my ability to home-school. i just don't know and i need to get over my fears in order to have healthy parenting.

I came from a large, blended family that was sometimes comfortable, comforting, camaraderic to be in. I was planned; my oldest brother was born October 1941; next brother 2-1/2 years later, April 1944; next brother 4 years later, April 1948; and me, 2-1/2 years later, October 1950. I like to imagine my mother (who died in 1954) wanted a girl so kept trying :-)

My stepmother said she and my father wanted a child together as it would be "their" child. Fortunately for me, my stepmother wasn't able to have any more children so I'm still the baby My stepsister is 13 years older than I am and was an only child.

My husband's 3 sons were "accidents". They got pregnant with the eldest child and decided to marry. My husband was thrilled to be becoming a father, had just graduated college and gotten a good job and says he figured that's what he was "supposed" to do, settle down and start a family, etc.

I think it's mostly a genetic/default thing reminds me of, why did I go to college? It happened to be what came next in my family and was easier for me than other choices. I didn't get married until I was 39, didn't want only one child if I had children and my husband didn't "care" since he'd been there, done that and I wanted any children of mine to have a father "interested" in them. My stepmother had been abusive and I was worried about my anger issues so wasn't sure I would make an okay parent too. I wasn't very self-aware yet so probably wouldn't have made a great parent at that time. I'd be an okay parent now I think.

Well, I haven't had mine yet, but only 3 weeks left to go until I do. This pregnancy was very planned, although perhaps not for the conventional reasons.

I really hadn't given having kids much thought until I hit 35 or so. My career has always been very important to me, and I really don't have many friends who have the "kid" lifestyle. But, at 35, I realized that my window of opportunity was coming to a close - perhaps not like the biological timeclock in a "feeling" sense, but just looking at the facts, I knew that if I didn't take the chance while I had it, I could regret it later. And it did take me about 2 years to get pregnant, so I'm glad we didn't wait until I "felt ready". I still wasn't "ready" when we discovered that we were expecting, but that all changed over the course of about a week - maternal feelings really kicked in quickly and now I am absolutely thrilled to become a mom - my career and lifestyle are still important to me, but by now (age 38), I don't feel as though I'm going to be giving up as much as I would have if I had started parenting at say, 23.

Actually, I was a stepparent at 23 as well, but it felt like less of a choice than part of the relationship package deal. However, over time it grew to be a very fulfilling relationship, although not so much of a fulfilling role.

Now, the reasons I am excited about having kids are:
- I feel that I have learned a lot about making the world a better place, and I would like someone to be able to carry that on
- I love my husband very very much and feel like our child is an expression of our love for each other
- I am not close with my family, but I have longed for that kind of family relationship since I was young. My mom died a few days after my 15th birthday, and my adolescent years preceding that were filled with angst. I haven't had a good family relationship since I was about 10, and I long to create it now with my new family
- I really can't picture myself at age 70 with no family to love. Work, marriage, and friendships are great now, but what happens in 30 years when your peers are dying, you are retired, and you don't have the energy for the party lifestyle of your 20s and 30s? I can think of some fulfilling activities for that age, but I don't want to miss having fulfilling relationships.

So, those are some reasons I want to have kids.

I like this one a lot, " I haven't had a good family relationship since I was about 10, and I long to create it now with my new family".

That's the reason I wish I had decided to have kids. Too late for me now. I do wish I had taken that chance to create a loving family of my own.

Imagine that! I'm serious. The ability to CREATE a family still astounds me. Wow. What magic it seems like. Lots of us have pretty crappy families. But we can actually sorta rub 2 matches together and make a new one. Seems like a dang miracle to me.

Slippers

This conversation sort of came up yesterday when I was helping friends move. We're all in our late 30's to mid 40's and none of us have kids. I was the only single among 4couples, and one of the women said she sometimes feels less adult than her other brothers and sisters because she hasn't had kids, and we all agreed that there was a certain truth to that. Basically all of have made the choice for whatever reason, or it just didn't happen to not have children and we like the freedom not having children provides. There is part of me that would like to have a child, but I'm very aware that i'm not in a relationship and not likely to be in one any time soon (for a variety of reasons) and that my clock is ticking. But part of me wouldn't want to inflict myself on a child as a parent. It's only in the last 6 months or so that I've felt myself approaching anything like emotional stability, and I'm not sure that I could handle the responsibility that comes with raising a child. I aslo believe that there is a genetic component to mental illness and alcoholism so I'm not sure I want to bring a child into the world who is at higher risk of going through what I've gone through.

--splitimage

Procreation, to pass on the family name, so they can be survived

by their children. Because they genuinely love them? Because

they didn't use protection? etc...etc... etc...

Sooo many reasons I guess????

I'm curious, do you have maternal instinct? The desire to love, to be called Mommy, to teach a child about the beauty of the small things in the world they are discovering for the first time? To share your life with someone adorable who looks up to you?

We planned on our son - dear daughter was a bit of a surprise!!

The reason we chose to have children was b/c we genuinely believed then, and do now, that as good, solid parents, we could improve the world around us. Maybe not on some grand scale, but by bringing up a human being who had values and morals, and was able to empathize with others, and treat others humanely, we would in fact change our world.

We don't subscribe to the particular belief that one MUST have children in order to feel complete, or have a "family." I believe that the family is complete upon marriage, when one and one make one. . .but I think children ADD to this completion.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Junerain said:
I'm curious, do you have maternal instinct?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
No.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
The desire to love,

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Yes, of course I have the desire to love, but not necessarily to have to love a child-- I love my husband, I love my hobbies, I love my career.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
to be called Mommy,

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
No, but I can't wait until 6 years when I ill be called Dr.!!
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
to teach a child about the beauty of the small things in the world they are discovering for the first time?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I'm still doing this for myself. I love it!
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
To share your life with someone adorable who looks up to you?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Oh, that's not my husband? lol

I had my son because I wanted to know the miracle of giving life - it was awesome. To know that someone is actually a part of you. There is a bond there and I am so grateful that at 12 years old now, we are still close.

Mary Alice

My two kids were planned. So many reasons...

--To pass on a piece of me to the future
--To procreate--how profound, how biological....
--To create life with my husband, to merge our genes, to offer the world a manifestation of our love
--To have a loving relationship with my children. I had a c**p relationship with my mother and I have had a desire to be a mom in a different way and be to my kids what my mom was not to me. It has been very healing.
--To give of myself fully to another human being (I did not have that kind of relationship in my marriage)
--Lastly, I wasn't allowed by my husband to have the career I wanted in life--a lot of doors closed for me because of our relationship--and having two great kids helped console me and fill the gap. Maybe not a great reason, but at least it wasn't the only one.

Great outcomes for me of being a parent:
--I have become less selfish and self-centered, because the kids always come first
--I have gained some humility. I thought my mom was a bad parent, the proof being how unhappy I was and how screwed up I turned out. But when I had my own two girls, I realized how important biology is too, and there are things about them I could not alter no matter what environment I provided. This has made me have more empathy for my mother.
--I have become more loving and giving. Something has opened up inside.

FWIW, I never had a maternal instinct until I was pregnant. I never liked babysitting, holding infants, and in fact, felt awkward around small children, like they were a different species. All that changed when I became a parent.

I don't know if you'd call my reasons selfish or selfless....in a way I guess you could say I chose...or you could say I'm just taking the guilt of my abuse.

I am now unable to have children because of the numerous psych meds I've been on. I used to want to have kids but after taking a look at my life I've decided that bringing a child on this earth (even if I could have them) would probably be one of the cruelest things I could ever do to them.

I've been trying to get pregnant almost 10 years...no such luck...and I'm sure the meds have messed me up pretty bad...even the most fertile of men couldn't get me pregnant...but I'm sure it's a good thing.

Both my siblings have enough kids for me to spoil....I'll just be the aunt who spoils...or the cousin who spoils...the one everyone loves (I'm a true kid magnet lol).

I've heard it said that we create what we need in our lives.

My three boys were all accidents. But I grew up with five brothers and it occurs to me now that I would not feel like I was "home" without children. I guess, aware of it at the time or not, I was creating the family I needed in order to feel warm, safe, and loved.

That said, my children have ruined my life. lol.

Cyran0

because sex is one of the three basic requirements of life

I decided that I would not be a good parent. I didn't have the upbringing for it and didn't feel like I had the knowledge or means or knew how to love 'right'.

I didn't know it at the time I made this decision and announced it to a friend, but I was already on my way to parenthood.

I loved raising my son, the whole daily ritual of feeding and bathing and caring for him when he was an infant, watching him grow and learn, experiencing the world anew through the innocent eyes of a child learning how everything works. I learned a lot myself. Just trying to explain something we take for granted was amusing and challenging at times.

It's a tough question for women especially, as traditionally the primary caregivers, the nurturers, and the ones with the more restrictive biological clock.

I've always wanted children. I don't remember a time when I didn't. I was lucky enough to find a husband that felt the same way that I do. I wish I could say that I had some noble reason for having children.

Earlier this year, I read my daughter's myspace page. She was very upset, but I'm glad I did because I was able to correct a misconception she had. I had my children very young. She thought that I had traded some grander life for a life with children. She felt that I pushed her to do her best because I didn't want her to make the same "mistake" I did.

My children are the most important part of my life, I wouldn't change a single thing, even if I was guarenteed these same children at a later date in my life. And now I'm waiting for grandchildren.

for us it was a case of making my husbands dad happy before he died, but i loved every moment it just felt right i had found the man i wanted to be with and have his kids.

Junerain said:
I'm curious, do you have maternal instinct?

>No.

Pink - do you think your mom did?

I don't have kids,yet. I didn't want them when I was younger out of fear that I would end up treating them the way I was treated and I could never to that.
Then, when I met my BF, I wanted a kid. He wanted one and I wanted one. We still want one, some day. Just gotta be the right time.
I think my reason is because I think that I could raise another good person. A person that can be helpful and loving.
I just want one...that's all. LOL

BJ

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Brian37 said:



because sex is one of the three basic requirements of life

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

So is birth control, I think.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Slippers said:
Junerain said:
I'm curious, do you have maternal instinct?

>No.

Pink - do you think your mom did?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hard to say. My sister and I are 14 years apart. My mother tried and tried for my sister and was told she couldn't have kids-- tried for seven years and then finally had her after a simple procedure due to the problem being found.

I was a wanted accident. My parents had both been married before, got divorced, married each other, and had me when they were 40.

I think that my mother had a maternal instinct because I know that she was bonded with both of us at least when we were very young. However, my mother is mentally ill and many things got in the way of what you would call "normal" mothering and bonding.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
I know all the resons that I don't want children. I would like to hear from the people who have children, as to why you wanted to have them.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Honestly........ People are having children simply because they are having sex - as most pregnancies are not planned.

Growing up, I thought it was a requirement- there were several in my young mind; be good always, stop talking back, go to college, have kids.
When i found out i didn't have to have them, that it was actually a choice - it was over. Most the time I still am a kid (even though the body is in the 30's), I fear the responsibility, I fear I'd be just like the mom in YaYa Sisterhood, and i honestly believe the destructives (internally) would kill anything "growing" inside me. There's already too many people in this body - no room for another that would take up physical space for 9 months. Each day feels like a week - imagine 9 whole months?! That's like lifetimes. Still single, don't see that changing. My mom's given up asking me for grandchildren - i told her to go adopt some.