[DePressMe]

My posting here on PsychCentral has been rather sporatic lately. I have been trying to stay in the loop by reading everybody’s posts, but I have not had much time to write. Right now, my work situation is in a critical state. My depression makes it extremely difficult for me to do my job and the last few months have been the worse. My supervisor suggested I take a leave or go on disability…also suggested maybe I look for another job that would suit me better. I have never been this close to losing a job before. So, I really, really need to buckle down and focus on work.

One of my supervisors said that maybe I am not “cognitively capable” of doing my job. I am smart enough to do the job, but my anxiety, depression and intrusive thoughts make it almost impossible for me to get organized and stay on task long enough to get things done. When my anxiety gets out of control—just sending out a 3 sentence email is torture. I am almost paralyzed by fear—fear that I said something wrong or that I am going to look stupid. Sometimes, I will spend an hour or more writing a simple email that should take less than 5 minutes. I find myself reading them over and over, looking for any mistake. It seems like the more anxious I get, the more mistakes I make. Sometimes the anxiety gets so bad I have to go out and sit in my car and try to pull myself together. When it gets to the point I can’t breath and I think I am going to die, I go home early. I am running out of excuses to go home early.

My last thought before going to sleep at night is a thought of dread about the next day and going to work. I wake up in the morning dreading going to work. Sometimes the dread is so bad that I think of suicide as an option of getting out of it.

My mom also suggested that I go on disability. But, financially, I can’t afford to do that—I have student loans, a home equity loan, mortgage, car payment…ETC. At the moment I am working 2 jobs just to make ends meet. Of course, I am not doing very well in either one of them.

So…I guess I just need to buckle down and try harder.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((( DePressMe ))))))))))))))))))))

[MyBestKids2]

(((DePressMe)))

wishing you peace and healing

[Christina86]

((((((((((DPM))))))))))))))))

(((depressme)))))

[SweetSunshine]

(((((((((( Depressme)))))))))))) I'm so sorry your going thru this. Even though I wasnt actually working at a job job, I was taking care of my dads rental homes and finances and such. But while doing all that , your second paragraph described me to a T. I really do feel for you. Course at the time after I was released from doing that stuff for him( YAY lol) I was also off meds for awhile because I couldnt afford them. I got back on the most important ones when PC had the fundraiser for us. ( YAY! TY AGAIN!) I really really missed my Wellbutrin XL. That drug has been a Godsend to me. Have you ever been on it hon? Its helped me focus so much better so I can deal with things better also. I have some mild ADD too and it even helped that. I dont know if its possible , but maybe taking some time off from your lesser paying job would help just to get some stress off you. Do you like both jobs? I mean if the depression and anxiety werent a factor, do you like working at those places? If not, maybe finding something else you like better would help? You could go thru the Bureau of Vocational Rehab to find a job. They do all the leg work for you. Just need to go to some appts and make a plan of action basically. I am hopefully going to go back to school. Unless we need to move sooner in case my husband gets this job he's been interviewing for.

I hope this works out for you. Sounds like you need a break for one thing and some better meds and adjustments to your life to make things easier. If you ever need to talk let me know ok? Always here for a friend.

Hugz
Bethy

[eskielover]

I know this sounds like cheating, but maybe you could take out disability insurance on the loans you have outstanding....that way when you go on disability, they get paid.....unfortunately, I only had one thing that was covered like that when I ended up disabled......but I know that my car loan has that option......

I always laughed at it because I am on disability & asked them if I take out that insurance, with they continue paying my bill...lol.

It does help....even with the home loan I think that option is available......but disability takes time to get on it anyway & usually there are the times when you have to appeal......so taking out those insurance policies at this point....it also covers unemployment I think...but don't know all the details.

Just something to look at to cover the expenses while not able to work.

I know what you are going through as I was there right before I went out on medical leave of absense from my software engineering job........only problem is that the weight of the bills is also adding to your anxiety that is there from the job & it ends up being a huge whirling tornado of anxiety that you end up in.....sometimes you just need to stop it for awhile to get a sense of control.......then maybe you can go back to it.....if you find you are able.....I never was able to go back.....but that was my situation......& suicide was an issue at that point too.......praise God, it never was successful or I wouldn't be enjoying the wonderful life I have now.......we never know what the future holds.....but sometimes we can have an influence on it....for good or for bad....if we don't make the right choices.

I would say take some time for yourself to get things straightened out.....then see where it takes you from there.
Debbie

[Doh2007]

I feel you hon. Take good care of yourself.

[TaintedGoth1]

DePressMe

[splitimage]

(((Depressme))))

I'm really sorry that things are so stressful for you right now. It's brutal when depression and anxiety interfere with our ability to work. But have you been talking to your Dr. about ani-anxiety meds. Sorry I can't remember everything you're on. I know they're kinda contoversial but I take a benzo 3 times a day and find it's a lifesaver on the anxiety front.

As someone else has already suggested could you reduce your hours or take a leave from your lower paying job so that you'd have more time to focus on yourself and making your real job work better.

As far as the mortgage situation & making payments go, I know it's less than ideal but have you considered taking in a housemate, if you have a spare bedroom. It might help remove some of the financial pressure.

Hang in there and know that I'm thinking of you.

--splitimage

[okiedokie]

Hey DPM,
I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

First thing I'd do is take out a deferment on my school loans. That's easy to do. Have you talked to your doc about meds? I would think some short-term something should be able to help with your anxiety so you can keep functioning. Damn, I can feel your pain.

What about just a LOA? That way you'd be proving to your boss that you want to keep your job, that you're going to do everything to take care of yourself and that you'll be back with bells on. Is that a possibility? Or, does your job just suck so bad you don't want to keep doing it? Then perhaps, maybe it's time to look for a different one? I dunno. Any job that would make me think suicide has potential would make me head straight for the want ads!

Do you have a rich relative you can borrow money from to keep you afloat while you look for something else? If you live alone, could you rent out a bedroom to a college student to lessen your mortgage?

I sure wish I had some answers for you. I hate to hear of your suffering. Please let me know if I can lend an ear anytime.
Love,
Okie