A green plastic watering can 4 a fake chinese rubber plant in fake plastic earth

I have an issue. I know I am %#@&#! up I am not sure if I am more %#@&#! up than the average "normal" person, possibly not, but I beleive I am far more self aware than the average person. I know I will probably seriously hurt everyone I am hiding from sooner or later, but at the same time I don't care, I think its my life and if I want to be self destructive and waste it and %#@&#! up and make my self miserable its my right to do it.
I know the me of the future may not be so pleased with my chosen aesthetic as the me of the present. But again, she is not me and I don't care. If she doesn't like it she can change it.
All the while I am terrified of what I am doing to myself, and yet... I thrive on that fear, I get this huge ongoing adrenaline rush off it, and its uncomfortable, but at the same time, it makes me feel powerful and out of control (in a good way) all at once.
I take drugs. Not always. I go on drug binges from time to time, then spend many months without even drinking. When I take drugs I fantasise about how %#@&#! up they will make me in the long run, sometimes its not at the forefront of my mind, sometimes I dont realise thats why I want to do them, but yeh. I envision myself spiraling downwards, getting hooked on heroin, losing everything but being wrapped up in an opiate glow, yet ever deeply ashamed of what I had done, what I made myself need. Knowing full well I always knew it would happen.
When I am not taking drugs I often go for long periods without sleep. I get a high off it, it makes me hyper and too clouded in my head to care about anything much at the same time. Then other times it makes me miserable, paranoid and occasionally I hallucinate and start to take little ideas I am somewhat obsessed by seriously.
I keep wanting to diet, I don't really give a %#@&#! how I look, I know what I want. I want to waste away, its a image, my head likes it too much to let go so she suggests to me to not eat quite a lot. But I am a very impulsive, indulgent person so usually I dont get anywhere with it. Ocassionally for a few months at a time I went on yo-yo diet cycles, my brain has recently got back in that obsess about dieting mindset.
I am generally bored, so I suggest to myself to do something productive, like homework or socialising or something, and then I resent myself so much. I dont want to be productive. I want to destroy everything. I can't get over it. I want to destroy, %#@&#! up, damage, everything, I don't want it dead and gone. I want it qivvering on the floor, begging for mercy as I drive the knife further into its sensitised skin. I feel so much anger its unbeliveable but I have nowhere to direct it really. Theres nothing outside myself I even notice really, unless its right in my face right now, but I adore myself so I cannot direct all this hate at her, so then it builds up until all I want to do is destroy everything, I want to create suffering, but I can't do it to others because then I would be forced to feel guilt, which I seem to expreience to an excessive amount. So I try to do it to myself, but there's still a part of me that thinks, no, I am not %#@&#! up, I am enlightened, I am training myself to ascention, I am nearly god, I can achive everything all at once.
Which is absurd but it keeps coming back to me.
Every project I start, usually with grand and excessive enthusiasm, I neglet within a day or two never to return to it. I have in a sense resigned myself to never achiving anything that cannot be done in the course of one night. Unfortunatly my attention span seems to be getting shorter with each year and these days I often give up on something within a few hours, to half an hour even.
I isolate myself from others, I used to go out and meet people a lot, but I became disillusioned with them and nowadays its very rare that I speak to anyone apart from my family and the girl who sits next to me in class. This has been going on for about a year now I have had a meaningful conversation with next to noone, most of the time I feel content in that. Maybe slight pangs of lonelyness attack me but for the most I feel I dont need others. That I can subsist entirely on my own in the world. I feel that most social interactions are fake anyway and I would rather not get involved. But at the same time, I realise, and quite deeply and painfully, sometimes, that I need other people, just like every other human alive needs other people, but its just that there is no human I have come across I feel I exist with. In the presence of others I feel myself as non-existant, wheras alone I exist. And its the overwhelmingness of the feeling of non-existance that means I dont really seek out the company of others, it makes me feel very icky, although sometimes it can be almost beautiful.
I have spent the majority of my adolescence (I am 18 now) waiting for the anihilation I was sure was about to happen. I have felt all through as though I was going crazy, that I was going to lose everything and I must accept that, and then die a painful, violent death.
And it never happened. And it overwhelms me again and again that feeling, and yet, despite my careful, dedicated preparations for the end, it never came. I live on, not crazy, not broken, not writhing in agony on the floor screaming and crying and babbling incoherantly as I die.
Nope. And it ****s me up. That it never happens. That I am still just me, just normal, just mediocre. Just dying a slower kind of death with no real beauty to it and no real direction to follow.
But then I come up with goals, plans, things to do, places to see, desires, but it always comes back to "I don't want that. I want to drip like viscous black oil, to the lowest low attainable by human kind".
I often think about killing people, that it would force me to %#@&#! up if I killed someone. But I am too afraid.
Still sometimes I think that I should force myself to push through that fear and do it anyway. I think the same about my fear of suicide. It seems almost insinceer to think so much about death and not be the cause of it.
I guess the sum total of this is that my only real desires, beyond satifiying my basic human drives on an impulsive level, is to damage. I am sure thats not right, though I am sure its common.
I feel both as though there is no way out, that I don't want out, that I desperately want out, that if I got out I would cease to exist, and just generally ...afraid, of what is to come, good and bad. I know anxiety is the natural state of being for humankind though.

Its basically this, I have an image in my head, and its the most beautiful addicting image you could ever imagine, surpassing drugs of any kind, and it depicts the most horrific suffering, and I can't but stare and stare at it. Every minuite I stare at this amazing image I have, and I need to create it. And writing doesn't cut it, it doesn't make it real. And painting doesn't cut it either, nor film nor any other creative medium. The only thing that is good enough is if I make it utterly real, if I craft my life into that image.
And at the same time, I feel like I am stuck in a dream, that I am not awake, that this world is not real, and if I did hit the depths I yearn for it would still not be real enough for me.

...and there's nothing I can do about any of this because I don't even know if I want to change. I'd pop a valium if I had one to kill the anxiety, but change it all, change my entire ...everything... I don't know how to want anything else. All I want is destruction.

Any idea where these destructive impulses are originating from, by chance?

What were things like for you as a child? Were you close to your parents? Were they kind to you?

I ask because the feelings and thoughts you are having do not come from nowhere. They started somewhere. The trick is to find out where.

Have you ever been to a therapist?

Hello Candistyx -- This is an enormous amount of suffering and pain to keep bottled up. Thank you for trusting us at the forums enough to share it with us.

I agree with SweetCrusader: These thoughts, feelings, and impulses do not come from nowhere. Drugs, not sleeping, self-starvation/fasting are all methods of inducing additional stress that impacts our emotional states. The saint may use it for spiritual trance, but you are going in quite another direction with it.

I urge you to get counseling.You have shared a lot with us, and I hope you will come back and continue to find support on the forums.

But the face2face counselor can help you investigate the whole picture. If you are in class, there is probably a free counseling service on your campus. City and state governments usually have a health department that may offer a counseling service or can refer you. United Way Family Services also can be an affordable resource for you.

It's pretty hard to follow through on plans and ideas when you have to go it alone. The support and input of other people is very important for helping us reach our goals.

I've had a rough 18 months, so I know what it feels like when life sucks. I hope you will do your best to continue to get help for yourself. You ARE WORTH the effort it takes, no matter how challenging those efforts seem right now.

Hi, I hope you continue to share here on the forums. I hope you can find a therapist that you like and perhaps find out where these feelings are coming from. It may take awhile, but it's worth it. Best, Pat

I saw a paychaiatrist for about 8 months (on and off because I kept decideing not to go then deciding to go then deciding not to) after I was put in hospital for a weekend when I was threataning suicide last christmas. This year I think I matured a lot and in the process I realised that I get such a perverse pleasure out of planning my death, but I don't really want to die, so I don't say I will do it anymore because I about 4 years ago I decided I would never lie unless not lying would get me in real trouble (not just disaproval, like jail, being kicked out of school or whatever). Going to a psychairtist seemed like a total waste of my time and NHS money because all he did was ask "how is school" "hows home" and I would give generic answers because I didnt know what else to say, or I'd be honest and say that I didnt pay attention to home or school, and that would be that.

As for the whole trying to blame my parents for my feelings thing, that was another thing that pissed me off about seeing a psych, he kept trying to wriggle the secret of what my parents had done to me that was so bad, and the thing is, there isn't one. My parents were never anything but the nicest people to me (now my brother is a different matter, he has conduct disorder and my mum just doesn't know how to treat him at all and she ends up both giving in to him every time he threatens her and screaming abuse at him far too often but it has improved as he got older). I don't have a close relationship with my parents but this is entirely due to the fact I widthdrew from them when I withdrew from all the other people in my life.

I love you for posting this.

Hmmm after thinking further on this matter I realise that I like how it is. This thread of destruction perfectly counters my creative thread which surfaces at other times. Both are to me excessively beautiful to the degree they wrap me entirly in themselves.
Its only that I am alone that bothers me really. I used to think it was my duty to destroy civilisation so that humanity might be reborn into a new age. Then I thought it was a select group from my generation that was to do this. I was going to write a book about it in order to attract them to me and carry out the plan.
But that scares me because as forceful as it feels I am very scared I would succeed. But then I feel like, if it wasn't just me then it would be ok, if i wasn't alone.
But realistically I dont think its possible for it to be anything but me alone. I dont think I am capable of being not alone.

Too late candistyx. You're already not alone, and you're not the first to have these thoughts. I don't know what generation you were born in but the Children of Mutable Fire came to this world in 1995, so they still have some growing to do before they are ready to fulfill their destiny. You might want to go ahead and write your book anyway, and see if you can attract followers. One of the fastest things you'll ever learn from this exercise is that no one who would follow you would be good enough or worthy ... and those good enough or worthy would, by their very natures, never follow you.

That's assuming you have some pretty high standards for anyone you'd want as a follower ... LOL.

I wasn't looking for followers particularily. Just people who knew the %#@&#! what I was on about to talk to and plot with lol.
I only really came up with the whole my generation thing because I noticed how everyone in my generation seemed to be enamoured by violence. But thinking about it I think its just the people that I liked enough to talk to.
Its weird though, I am a really controling person, I realised that recently, but its not like I force people or anything, people just end up being afraid not to do what I tell them even though they have no reason to be. My best freind who moved away a while ago was the only person I was close to who didnt do what I told her to and the only person I ever loved.

I have a lot of similar issues and stuff, like that it's too easy to make people do what I want and thus the only people I can really respect and get close to are those who do NOT let me control them. Hell, you can plot with me if you want. It could be fun. -- I'm NOBODY's follower.

Another thing that made me think my generation rather than any other group would be involved in this was that chernobal happened when our parents were pregnant. I think that this did have an effect on us, because I notice how everyone in my age group was significantly more badly behaved than people in the year above us. Then every year after got less and less badly behaved (I have been moved back a year in school so I got to observe them). My mum says that shortly after the meltdown at Chernobal my mum went for a walk in the rain when she was pregnant. I am sure that's significant somehow.

What year was that, Candistyx? I remember chernobyl (and obviously i'm older than you) but i don't recall the year.

How old are you Malady? I find it really hard to get along with people much older than me. I find them resenting me for being younger than them, and for having all this potential that I direct into just %#@&#! things up rather than trying to achieve some lame goal.

As for plotting I'm not sure anymore if I can. Because theres these little images I know about, that just hit so hard that anything I think up seems wrong incase it doesn't conform to the image even if its not directly obvious how.
Ages ago I imagined when I would have the revolution with my freind and this other person by the name of Morgen Stern who is the morning star and the avatar of both Lucifer and Venus. He didnt do anything, he just was there but him being there gave us the motivation to do what we did (this is all in the future by the way) and then this great army fought against us and we won, but then we were in control of everything, and we didnt know what to do, so there was a counter revolution and they killed morgen stern (but he was reborn later) but anyway. Thats just a metaphor but I dont think I realised that when I was obsessed with that story.
But I dunno, there is this image and I need to make it real and its the only thing that I can ever really care about, but I dont really know how so I just end up being all self destructive because destruction is waht its all about.
Disintegration. That word keeps coming up.

chernobal was in 1986 or 1985 (if the latter then late but I think 86)

Don't worry about my age, candistyx. The body is what the body is and when I turned 19 I just stopped there permanently. I don't resent you for being younger or for your potential. What you do with your potential is your business, not mine, and yours to decide.

I'm more interested in finding out what you know -- or don't know -- about avatars and archetypes in general and Lucifer in particular. You may be closer to the truth than you think; it is too early in our acquaintance for me to ascertain. I pursue all Potentials to see if they merit further investigation and nourishment in this particular direction. (Alas, too many do not.)

I fully understand about having a vision one feels compelled to reify (make real) and not being able to care about anything else, and how self-destructiveness can become a vicarious and substitutionary expression of that, where either a genuine sense of Direction or the Keys of that Knowledge are lacking. But only you can decide whether this Glittering Image that compels and obsesses you is worth the risk, the sacrifice, the adventure of pursuing -- or whether you want to go down as a pointless waste in futility. No one else can make that decision for you, and I'm certainly not going to insult your intelligence by even bothering to try. I won't kid you. The Path is long, winding, fraught with peril and obstacle plenty, hard, and lonely ... extremely lonely. Awful in some ways. Awesome in others. And once you take the first step thereupon, you must arrive inevitably at the end thereof.

Image. See its not really just one. Its millions. And they dont really flow from one another. They could fit together to make a single moment in time all over the world in different places with different people etc. Its ultimatly post apocalyptic. And really terrible. And terribly beautiful. I don't really know how to make it real, and I don't really want to convince myself I have enough power. I always thought I would have to lose absolutly everything, but I am not even sure what that means anymore, I don't even know what I have to lose or what I am to lose or if I exists at all.

Avatars, archetypes, Lucifer. I don't think I know anything, about any of these things except when it hits me. The rest of the time I dont really know or remeber. I have a lot of revalations, then re-revalations after forgeting everything. Its kinda cool because I love the revalationary feeling. Also the past 3 years or so I have been far to self absorbed to think about much other than myself and abstract ideas.
You mentioning all this stuff does take me back a bit, last winter, late winter, then again in early summer I was riding around all this stuff. I was telling myself I didn't want it, but I did. Because I love it. I really %#@&#! love it.
Words are engulphing me now, you brough my head somewhere with what you said, now all I can think is words and where they are from and what they secretly mean, and I didnt think about any of that stuff for ages.
And I keep thinking my name, my name makes me far to arrogant, because I am not her, but I know she isn't insulted by my arrogance because she is by definition wise enough to know better.
I love her.

I'm pretty sure it was 1984 -- news story this week surfaced about 10 year anniversary memorial

ahhh ok, hmmm that makes sense re someone I know actually. Intresting.

IN January 1986 we lost Challenger... in April, Chernobyl blew, and in December I was disabled. NOT a good year. But while it might have affected us all psychologically, it mainly affected the Ukraines with thyroid cancer.... I doubt it is any foundational matter for USA society to become angry at life!

But I digress... my main purpose in posting is to your main thoughts of value: "and there's nothing I can do about any of this because I don't even know if I want to change. I'd pop a valium if I had one to kill the anxiety, but change it all, change my entire ...everything... I don't know how to want anything else. All I want is destruction. "

You DO want to change, or you would not have phrased all the stuff you are suffering with the way you did. And you DO know there's something you can do about it, because you have already begun by posting here!

Since you are under the influence from time to time, then it becomes necessary to sort through your thoughts and find the real ones, and the ones the drugs are giving you. A tough task!

What you describe is addiction. You need treatment for it. Also, you might consult your doctor about attention deficit disorder.

I could tell you are young by the way you talk, the problems you have, and the coping methods you are trying to use. Plus, a big give-away is the numerous curse words you use; very juvenile.
I also suspect that you are into demonology or satanic worship. That, in itself, will mess you up. IMPO

It is good that you have come here. DocJohn has developed a really good support site for ppl who wish and need to heal. Please come back often, and many of the good members here will help you get through life a little less lonely.

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