[stupidme]

I am new here but do need some advice. I was raped 4 years ago and since then have had trouble in making close relationships. Thing is my local minister was counselling me about it for a long time and we have now developed a sexual relationship. I do love and trust him but a friend told me this morning that he doesn't love me he probably feels sorry for me and isn't getting sex from his own wife so is just using me as a way to help me feel better. WHat do you lot think?

[wisewoman]

I think your minister may have crossed some very serious boundaries and that you need to speak with someone professional about this immediately. Can you call planned parenthood, rape crisis, battered woman's programs to get a fresh professional ear? Please do something very very soon to help yourself figure out this situation. Goodluck.

[mj14]

If your minister is counselling you, he is subject to the same code of ethics as any therapist, and that code says very clearly...*NEVER* get sexually involved with a client. Also, extra-marital affairs are certainly not acceptable for clergy.

None of us can tell what is in his head, whether he may think that he is "in love" with you. But, he has crossed several ethical boundaries with you, which potentially has harmed your own recovery. And he has taken advantage of your trust. I think wisewoman's suggestions for what to do are good ones. You need to find an ethical counsellor who can help you through this.

[shakes]

Stupidme,
I have to agree with your pastor crossed every ethical line in the book. It is against the law for counselors to become sexually involved with their clients. You put a level of trust into him and he used that trust. You are not to blame, but I know that you deserve better in a partner and in a therapist then this guy.
Please get in contact with your local rape crisis center. Many are non profit and could help you for free. Please you deserve to help yourself.
By the way...I do not think you are stupid.

Stay strong,
Jessica

[Wants2Fly]

Welcome to the forums. You certainly are not stupid for trusting a minister to provide ethical and moral counseling.

This message is so important that I am going to repeat it: Your minister has crossed professional boundaries and his actions may be illegal.

Please get help for yourself from the service providers already mentioned. And please report him -- if he has abused you in this way, he may abuse someone else, as well.

You did not ask for this, you did not deserve this, it is not your fault, and your are not stupid.

[obsids]

I will try to stay calm.... This is so scary to me... I want to tell you to run as fast as you can AWAY from this minister. He has crossed a line of ethics in ministry that should never be crossed. And I would definitely say that he is using and abusing you in a most sick and controlling way.

Please get yourself to a crisis center or something similar. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk more. I have an uncle who used to be a CRC minister, and he crossed some uncrossable lines. What this minister is doing is illegal and grounds for dismissal from his position as a minister.

*hugs*

Obsidian

[SeptemberMorn]

All of the advise you have received is right on. That man had no business crossing "professional and ethical lines!" May I add that for a minister, he also crossed MORAL lines? Shame on HIM!! He took advantage of you and the situtation.

Run like hell in the opposite direction to any of the agencies that have been mentioned in this thread. He deserves nothing less than to be reported to the headquarters of his denomination or the very least, the elders of his church! Shame! Shame on HIM!!

You are NOT stupid, just very vulnerable and he took advantage of you.

Please take care of YOU.

[SpazKatt]

*hugs* You are NOT stupid! he took advantage of you, if he has a wife or other "lover" besides you that is a large red flag, please stop all contact with him and find someone else to help you! *hugs* I hope I said that right.

[radio_flyer]

My question is, how do you feel about having sex with a married man? Chances are he isn't going to leave his wife. The fact that he is a married, preacher, having sex with his client, doesn't say a whole lot about his moral character. If you don't go to his church, maybe you should visit it some Sunday morning and see how he reacts.....You might get your answer there.....Maybe sit next to his wife in church. Have a heart to heart chat with her in front of him. See if he squirms.

[SeptemberMorn]

Ooooooooo! I'd like to be a fly on the wall for that one!

[(JD)]

Not only do you need to be the adult and stop this "relationship" this "minister" has you trapped in.. you also need to notify his certification board of his actions. Even if he is not a licensed, by the state, counselor, someone has to be "over" him (and not just GOD) he is a member of a licensing board for the denomination. Don't feel as though you are causing problems, or that you are at fault in any way because you aren't. Please make yourself safe, and if you can, turn this person in so others who can't get away aren't hurt more!

(if not ordained or licensed, notify the police)

[stupidme]

Thanks for that I think I will do that. I do go to his church but never usually sit with or talk to his wife - it's a very big church with a HUGE congregation so I've never really crossed her but I think I will on Christmas morning to see what his reaction is... maybe then I'll know if it's love!

Thanks to everyone for your advice and support.

[(JD)]

Why would you want a man who does this? How could you ever trust him to not do it to you?

He's disobeyed his church rules.
He's disallowed the rules of marriage.
He's shamed himself. and all those who trusted him to do good work.
He's denegrated his wife's love.
He's used his power over you for his sexual desires.
AND he's lied to God.

You think this is love?

I know it hurts to try and think that one has been used. This is a no-win situation already. Take care of yourself, ok? Talking to his wife may do nothing, he sounds like a smooth talker who has done this to other women in his church. You have become another of his trophies. Sorry... please get out before you are hurt more.

[h0kie]

Speaking as the wife of a man who had an affair (he didn't remember it due to his illness, but it still happened). I think you should end it. Do you really want to be the "other woman"..."homewrecker"...etc?

His behavior is wrong on so many levels. While I think seeing his reaction with you so close to his wife would be interesting...why play games? He's already playing them with you...aren't you better than that? Don't sink to his level. He's obviously an accomplished liar. What reaction would you want? Panic? Fear? What if he acts like nothing is wrong?

My advice. Run, don't walk away from this man.

[(JD)]

Ok me again. Do you really want our opinions or did you want us to assure you of love?

I'm speaking, from one aspect, of a FORMER wife of a MINISTER who had several affairs!!!!

You run the risk of being the harlot...and losing any friends you have in that church (in case you're stuck still going there..) People don't believe others, but the minister first.

[radio_flyer]

Ok, I just don't like "secrets". I am a firm believer that if someone isn't doing somthing "wrong" then it should not be a "secret". I think this is a big secret this guy is keeping from his wife. Bottom line is, if he isn't ashamed or guilty of doing something, then why not get it out in the open???????? I know you know deep down in your heart the answer.

I don't want to see you get hurt, but take a look at what is happening. He is married. Maybe your vulnerable?? I don't know. I just don't see this as a good situation. Secrets and betrayal hurt and can destroy people. Why be a part of it?

[Mahali]

I agree that you need to put yourself in a safe place. Please do get advice from other professionals. I don't know if I would create a situation with his wife or not, you may be the one getting hurt by doing this more than anyone else. I find it a bit hard to believe he is having an affair with you because he feels sorry for you and to make you feel better. He may actually care for you who knows but do you really want to be involved with a man who could violate his religious vows as well as his marriage vows? You need to find a counselor who has your best interests in mind. I really doubt it is this man.
I agree...run to help.

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