Avoiding communication problems...

One of the hardest things for me to learn way back when I was in therapy about 15 yrs ago, was that other people aren't mind readers. I thought because my ex had known me for a number of years, he should know what my needs were. The same with my present husband... back then. It's not so, sadly. No matter how well you think people know you or how many "hints" you give, how many times you heave a heavy sigh, it won't work. You need to state your needs in order to get them met! The sooner the better, too, to keep your frustration level down and keep you in control of a difficult situation.

There's nothing wrong with stating your needs Clearly and Directly. I can't stress this enough! In fact, that's the way it needs to be done. Someone brought up "I-statements" in the last few days. Another great tool! "I feel..." "I need..." "When that happens, I feel..." That way, no one feels attacked or critisied and in turn, they don't get defensive. They are more prone to listen to you and may even make the effort to understand where you are coming from. It certainly would be easier than trying to interpret a heavy sigh; which by the way, could go ignored because mostly it just means a heavy release of breath.

Another life saver I learned during my years of therapy was "STOP. THINK. ACT." Those of us with depression/anxiety, low self esteem and those of us who are more sensitive to exterior stimuli need to practice this and not REact to something we THINK was said to US. If you STOP and THINK, you might realize that a comment WASN'T meant for you! It's also fair to ASK FOR CLARIFICATION of any given comment before we go off half-cocked. It saves a whole lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Oh, and hey! It helps to ward of panic attacks, too, or get through one without allowing our feelings of "fight or flight" get the best of us!

Hope this helps all of us.

You're so smart Tomi. What an excellent post.

Now, let me continue to practice my I-statements.
I think you made some very good points. I feel your advice can apply to many situations in everyday life. Online or 3-D.

I think

Brilliant! :-)

It makes so much sense and makes us think clearly, too.
We must deal with the "here and now" and the tip on Stop, Think, Act is just the type of thing that is so simple and effective, yet so easy to forget.

Thank you for reminding us, (((((sweet one))))).

Thanks, Hun! I learned those things the hard way. You bet it helps both online and in 3D!

It's not just my experice, BTW. It's a proven method of communication.

Oh, yeah! STOP, THINK, ACT is really easy to forget. Our impulses need to be trained. Who wants to do that?? LOL I know I resented that when I was told to practice it. Know what? It helps so much it's hard to believe!

Thanks for the compliment {{{{{{{{{{Saudade}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'll try to live up to it.

Personally, I think these, or similar ideas, should be made a sticky on this forum!!!


((((((((((((((((((((Tomi))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks, Fuzzy! I thought so, too, but I didn't want to toot my own horn.

Great method. I like that it's easy to remember the phrase, too. Simple is good. And you're right, practice really helps, but it does feel a little funny at first.

Thanks for posting this!



gg

......tomi.....i'll toot your horn for you! toot! toot!...great post......excellent advice.......you are one awesome woman!

Anything new feels funny, doesn't it? Like new shoes?

That means alot coming from you, Butterfly!

Hi September Morn,

I'm in agreement with all you say, good strategies.

One thing I'd like to add. A couple of times in my life I've had some suspicions about a relationship I have with a person and I've asked for clarification.

The clarification was that the person dumped me, there and then.

Now that's hard, and rejection sensitivity makes us fear this rejection more than anything, indeed it's even hard to write about it now. It goes right to the core. The sensitive person cannot deal with rejection and even healthy people are gutted by an unceremonious dumping.

So, a final tool in the strategy box is to develop the ability to take the worst, the thing we fear more than anything else, and to survive it, cold, right in the face - and then to move on.
No excuses, no denial, no rationalising, just - they didn't like me, and I accept that.

It's a big one.

Cheers, Myzen

Amen, Myzen, amen to that.

K. I got it Sept. but let's not make it a permanent post against me ok? You told me this is PM, that is enough. Letting everyone know what I think....

actually we might need more complete guidelines for using a chat. Included might be not dropping out without saying goodbye...regardless. I think it's still called etiquette... but I can be wrong. some others here know I was working on that at the time of my demise... I can't complete it so maybe yall want to create it.

Sometimes I leave w/o goodbye cuz people are in the middle of talking about something and I don't wanna interrupt with a bunch of gnights etc. I don't really need gnights. I just wanna go to bed cuz my eyes are closing. I'm sorry I'm sorta a rude girl....I was raised by wolves. I'll try to do better if it bothers folks.

woof, emsky

Hun, you're taking things too personally. We ALL have probelms with communication. Never did I single anyone out. It wasn't meant JUST for chat, or JUST for posting or JUST for you or anything else! It's simply a good way to communicate in any given situation.

Myzen, these ideas are just to clarify what was said. Something like "Let me make sure I understood what you said. Did you say "(repeat what you think you heard)"? If anyone has a problem with that then, IMO, they have REAL problems!

Hey, Em. I think those wolves did a pretty fine job.

I guess you and I are the only ones that think we should make this a sticky, Fuzz.

Anyway, I think this bears being bumped up to the front page again.

Count me in...stick away!



gg

LMAO Thank you!

You know, I did this - stated my needs, asked questions - to this "friend" I had. And she responded with a nasty email. I didn't do anything wrong. I just told her what I needed - to know where I stand. I realize I was being healthy. She couldn't handle it. I guess you find out who are your friends. I'm real good about asking for what I need usually. I learned this a while back. I think that's one really good healthy thing about me.

Good for you! Be proud of yourself! Some people are so out of touch with healthy behavior that they can't handle it, obviously. Doesn't sound like she was much of a friend and you sure know where you stand now, don't you? You probably would have known all along if she knew how to express herself better.

SeptemberMorn, Your post on communication is perfect. needed in all aspects of life, I think.

Kim

Thanks! I think so, too! Wish my kids would learn, though.