[ChandKiRani]

So at first, I`m sorry if this is the wrong place to post, but as I don`t really know where I fit in illness-wise I thought I`ll post in general mental health. Then, I`m also sorry for my English. It`s not my mother tongue so please don`t mind my mistakes.
This might get long but I hope someone reads it till the end.
I am 15 years old now, in case this matters. I always used to be " strage", yet I always accepted myself 100%. I always believed what I thought and so I never thought anything could be wrong with me..well until I started doing some research. Since finding out more about dofferent mental health issues I`m getting more and more confused day by day and question if what I believed to be true/ real in the past really was. I usually don`t trust people but I just have to talk about it and noone around me seems to listen, so I thought maybe on the internet it`s more " secure". When I was young ( like very young, 3-4 years old) it probably started, sadly I don`t remember a lot, just that my parents couldn`t handle the situation and my mum used to beat me at times, scream at me lpck me into my room etc, because it was too much for her. She even thought I wanted to kill her and told me this. So I was scared but still thinking I was right. The reason they were not bale to handle me they say was because I acted strange was always angry screaming etc. O have to admit as far as I can remember, I was. But not because I was against them as they say, but because of different reasons, I always was way too afraid of normal things ( this still happens today, a few weeks ago I wasa so afraid of a bottle of glue ( because its artificial and chemical and toxic and might kill me if I touch it I could die..weird thoughts..) I didn`t want to touch my mobile phone lying next to it so i took a piece of paper but the phone in and went to wash the phone with water and soap ( I know that this should not be done, of course) then still didn`t touch it for 5 days and my parents got nuts about it, but it`s already better than when i was little) like there was a anti-insect spray on a shelf in my room and every night i saw the skull-sign like becoming " alive" and i was frightened, I couldn`t sleep kept screaming and crying etc. this is only an example, it happened a lot, my parents thought i didn`t want to sleep and got angry which made my fear only bigegr, i started getting afraid of them as well. Also as a child i was very often thinking i had a deadly desease with feeling the symtoms which weren`t there. Sometimes dad even drove to the hospital with me in the middle of the night to make the doctors tell me I`m fine, but this didn`t help. And when i was younger i had a very lively fantasy ( at least now i think so, i doubt i always could tell reality from unreality t that time) I could spend hours playing alone, imagining I was somewhere else and someone else, but it think this is normal for children, yet soemtimes I thought really weird things like I can remember we were going for a walk ( grandma, my sister and I) and i was saying " look, there`s the children`s wonde rland we`re going there" then returning telling everyone how great it was etc. Now, years later i walked there again, there`s nothing, maybe a supermarket the next village. But okay all those things were more or less gone by the age of 9/ 10 so I didn`t care about it anymore, family life has also become betetr again. But at school I was very much hated by all classmates. I couldn`t handle it, I started getting more and more quiet and afraid of people, I always had problems with other humans but this is going further still today, I don`t dare to speak in rooms with many people, to older people, people i don`t know etc. I get nervous and start to panic when I have to say something at school and i didn`t raise my hand in lessons for years, something inside of me says no don`t do it..and I just can`t speak then. So at the moment, thsi social fear is ym biggest problem because it affects my whole life everyday all day long and as I said I think it started when I was bullied at school. Even though i`m in a different class now it still doesnt dissapear, I`m afraid it`ll stay forever. Another problem that I still hve and probably always had but now luckily control since I know something called paranoia exists is that I sometimes in the past had episodes where I thought someone wanted to kill me ( most of times my mom, so I stopped eating her food telling I wasnt hungry etc.) or poision me/ give me medicine ( my classmates, I always watched if they came near my water bottle etc.) I also had the thoughts that my mum could put something in my shampoo bottle because she wanted me to look ugly or hide my real ethncity, the fact i was only adopted ( to make it clear, i wasnt!! I just thought and imagines she wasn`t my real mother, but I believed it. I was even writing songs for my " real mother" ) by putting hair dye etc in it . So of course now I think it could have been liek this as well when i was even younger and that was why i hated her, so she was right and I was wrong, ym reality was wrong.. and the people who wanted to put me into a mental hospital when i was young were right too..strangely my parents were against it.
Talking about reality, for years now I`ve been having the feeling all this her eis not real, sometimes the feeling was more sometimes less intense. I feel like this is all unreal and I don`t belong here. I used to think maybe moving to another country without " all these people" would help solving the problem but meanwhile I doubt this. I just want to really enjoy soemthing, but I can`t. I feel so out of place at times. Sometimes I even thought if i`d kill myself now, i might end up where i really belong in my next life..but I would never really kill myself, I guess.
So, as I started researching about mental disorders, I watch myself and my thought a lot more and the " bad/ weird" moments become rarer, but I also get more and more confused becasue I feel liek a have/ had a little bit of many different illnesses?!
I totally don`t trust psychologists/ psychatrists etc so I`d never go to one, I think they only want o take away our free thought and our lifequality by giving us drugs. That`s why I never told a specialist about it. I want to know what exactly is wrog with me though, because I can t take this anymore, whenever I remember my past life I question what was real and what wasn`t and how our family would have been if I would`ve been normal..
So thanks for reading all of this, I know it`s enormously long . It`s my whole lifestory, there`s nothing I didn`t write.
I hope soemone can help me,
Thanks a lot in advance,
ChandKiRani

[AAAAA]

I am so sorry you're having such a rough time. I'm glad you found this site. Welcome! Please request that your parents take you to a doctor, be honest with the doctor. You have trust issues and have every reason to have them, but the doctor doesn't want to take away your free thought, they want to give you a better quality of life. I'm no doctor, but it sounds like some of your problems are due to a chemical imbalance in your brain and medication will help that.

Your parents sound ill equipt to deal with the issues you were having as a child and did not deal with them well. As a result, it was only natural that you would dream that somewhere there was another mother out there, one that loved you and would accept you the way you are.

Paranoia and anxiety are heavy burdens medication can ease those burdens.

[Berries]

Welcome!! Keep visiting the forums. People hear are nice and have a lot in common with you. I think OCD and Schizophrenia & Psychosis would be good forums for you to visit first. I am not diagnosing you, but I think the people who post there might have more in common with you, from what you wrote about yourself.

I you mentioned that in doing research you could see that you have symptoms of different mental illnesses.

This could be for more than one reason.

1. It is possible for one person to have more than one diagnosis--more than one mental illness.
I have been diagnosed with 3. I have been diagnosed OCD, schizoaffective, and PTSD
2. It is very hard to self-diagnose. Especially if you are just using information from books or online sites. You really need a professional to help you with figuring this stuff out.

Most doctors are in their profession to help ease pain and save lives. They are not interested in anything but improving your life.
Medicine can help ease pain and help you feel safe around other people so you can make friends.

The mental illnesses that I have are what tell me that doctors are only out to get you and want to control your mind by giving you drugs. It is very hard not to listen to that. But, I have learned that my mental illnesses usually lie to me and I try really hard not to listen when they tell me these things.
I also can't touch things. I also have fears that are not based on anything real.
But, I have doctors that I see and that I trust and who help me. They don't try to control me. They try to ease my pain and are nice to me.

I hope you can think about and consider my experience with doctors.
Good luck. Keep posting. Private Message me anytime.

[ChandKiRani]

Wow, thanks for the quick replies.
This morning I was really sure I would go straight to the computer after school delete this all and also delete my account, because I was feeling weird and having panic about what I wrote and that I wrote it and whatsoever all the time. But readig your posts made me decide differently and I decided to simply post on different forums here in the next time and see if it can help me. I already knew that you would write that I should go see a doctor and probably I should but at the moment I really don`t want to go, even though it might be the illness/es telling me that those are bad people only and they aren`t in reality. Also I`m pretty strictly against medicamentation. I got the feeling that that would make everything worse, that i may get seriously sick or even die due to medicine, becasue of strong side effects. I tend to avoid most medicine and other " chemical" things in general and I simply don`t trust it. So I`ll try without doctors and medicamentation at firrst I think. Today, I was talking to my mum and we suddenly came to the subject. She even told me her problems which was very interessting yet I started to wonder if mental health problems are hereditary?! Well her problems are different from mine though and also her way of handling them is different. She pretends everthing`s okay and trys to be perfect, it always used to be liek that. She always has to clean everything she can`t stand it if things are not in order and clean and tidy etc. she also told me that she had a tough childhood and that she also has some sort of social hobia which sounded similar to my problems with people. She also said that she`d been in therapy before which I never knew, but she didn`t tell more and I didnt dare to ask why and how long she`d been in therapy. But because she denies there is anything that controls us and we cant help it ( like forces and fears and subconscious thoughts etc.) she doesn`t understand me when I try to explain how I feel. She just says " you have to control, you have to do it, " mental problems" are not an excuse". So we`re always ending up arguing about that. I have to say her " cleaning-problem" really has becoem a lot better over the past few years so maybe her " ignore the anxiety" - method is successful. But sadly she`s still not over the past..she said again that she hopes I only hated her because I loved her. So she still thinks I really hate her. How can I explain her that at times I just think that I can`t trust her and that if somethings wrong I often get the feeling that she`s bad and she`s the enemy, even though after some period of time when i can think clearly again I know that it wasn`t her and she didn`t want to harm me?! As she doesn`t believe there are things we can`t control, she keeps thinking I did everything I did in my life on purpose to harm her. Mhh..
Well, at least I could talk to her more openly.

[ChandKiRani]

Originally Posted by ChandKiRani

Well, at least I could talk to her more openly.

So guys, at the moment I`m really feeling worse day to day. Today I had the same strange anxiety-panic feeling I had all the past 3 days, but paired with depressive feelings, I cried for hours, then the feelings got to much and I cut myself ( I really do this rarely, so I didn`t mention it before).. Then I needed plasters etc. so I had to go downstairs to my mum ( the only person who was at home) to ask for some. She already knew that I sometimes cut myself but she told me she was disappointed . But she also told me she had done this as well when she was younger, but only to get attention from her parents. She told me other things too, I asked her about me in the past as I can`t remember. For example she told me that once as a kid when she put me into aseat for children in the car, i had started crying for an hour telling her she broke my hip. She said all the doctors at that time only said it was ADHD ( which they still always say when a child has any problems) and wanted to give me Ritalin which she didn`t want for me as she herself had gotten medicamentation when she was younger because of psychological problems. I personally don`t think it sounds like ADHD but okay, they believed the doctors of course, who probably thought i said this and acted like that to terrorize my parents. Anyway this time I told her the whole thing ( even though a part of me was still highly mistrusting her) I told whatever I`d thought of her in paranoid times over the past years and also that I question this believing now but am not sure what to believe. She said everyone would wish those things at times.. but I tried to make clear that I didn`t wish but think for real, so that`s where i differentiate yet she doesn`t seem to fully understand. But okay I told I cried I was totally done and so I finally agreed, I`ll go see a theraphist. She`ll go with me she said as she could need soem help too and as she sees the problem in my childhood which makes her a big factor..I`m not sure how to feel about this honestly I don`t want her with me but as she said she`ll make cler I don`t get medicamentation, I`ll need her. Because I don`t think I`ll be able to speak up against him/ her ( theraphist) whatever s/he might say. I don`t even want to think about telling a stranger all this..was hard ebough tot ell my parents. Still is. Anyway, just wnated to let you know I changed my mind and will get help.