An introspective view

Have you ever reread any of your old posts that you did while in a *different* state? I have and it amazes me that it was *really* me that wrote them back them. And I'm not necessarily referring to posts from several months ago, I'm moreso referring to even as recent as yesterday. I'm referring to when I post while in the abyss (The Monster), extreme anxiety (I can't take this anxiety anymore), hypomanic or anything in between. When I take an introspective look at them, it seems that it was an entirely different person who was in that state and wrote those words. What a difference a mood can make! I know they are my words *usually* but it amazes me to the intensity that my moods can take on, which at the time were very real and seemed perfectly *normal*. Sometimes, I feel like it is a totally different person who has taken over my mind when I posted them. Although I am nowhere near as bad as I was before I was on a mood stabilizer *lol*, the depths of my depression can often times scare the hell out of me when I'm no longer deep in the abyss. It's such a huge transformation from one state to the next, that I bearly recognize myself anymore.

And then there are times that I apparently have said things completely out of character for me to someone that I have absolutely no recollection of at all. Unfortunately, most of those things have transpired in PM so that I don't have the ability to go back and reread my words. But I don't doubt the person when they tell me but yet it just doesn't seem like something that *I* would ever say and can't imagine where those thoughts would even come from. Maybe this all ties in with my other thread about how well we really know ourselves?

Just wondered if I'm the only *crazy* one here who doesn't even recognize themselves and have real trouble imagining yourself being a completely different person at times, someone unrecognizable and sometimes unfathomable. I don't recall reading anybody else's posts that seem to be so out of character as mine are but then again, I haven't been to many of the boards here either. Please somebody tell me that I'm not the only *crazy* one here who can't even recognize themselves at times. Just an introspective view of my many moods.

It makes me question what my pdoc and T would think if they read my posts and wonder if they would even recognize me either.

When you send pm's there is a little button you can click on to save them, so you might want to start doing that.

And maybe you *could* bring some of your posts to your T and your pdoc. It might help them better understand how much distress you go through day to day.

I basically don't post if I'm really depressed, so I don't have that sense of not recognizing my posts. If I *do* feel able to post then I post really silly stuff or supportive posts to other people try to perk myself up.

emmy

Hey em

Yea, I'm aware of that button for PMs but I keep forgetting to use it.

I'm not sure that I would really want to take some of my posts to my T or pdoc. I've tried so many different meds now, looking for something that works, I'm getting REALLY tired of all the changes and there's not much left for me to try at this point. Believe it or not, what I'm taking now is working better than anything that I have tried in the past. I do know though, that it appears to others that they aren't working at all. Trust me on this one, you probably didn't know me back then, this is heaven compared to what I used to be like. So relatively speaking, these meds are working, at least to some degree, surprising as that may appear to be, even if it is not apparent to anyone else. I guess for anybody who thinks ill of me, this must sound really horrible.

I wish I was capable of posting silly stuff when I'm in the abyss but quite frankly, I just don't have it in me. I am able to post to support others though. My T told me this week that I need to start taking my own advice that I give to other people. I know she's right.

OK, looks like I'm the only *crazy* one here. Sometimes I think I need to stop posting about myself.

i understand exactly what you mean. i truly do. it's very difficult for me at times. thank you for this post.

kd

You're not crazy, AngelGirl. I do the same thing, too. In fact, a couple of days ago, my middle son told me that I had told him he was dead to me almost three years ago. I have NO recollection of saying anything so horribly painful to him! He didn't know about how intense my depression was at the time, but thankfully, he's forgiven me.

I've gone back and reread my journal and posts here and wondered where the heck my head was at the time I wrote some things, too. I think even most "normal" people do the same thing.

BTW, I won't consider myself "crazy" until I've been certified and commited to an institution for the rest of my life. I don't forsee that happening.

SeptemberMorn

I'm sorry that you have experienced the same thing and your son was affected by it. People in my life have also been affected by my extreme moods. It's sure not easy and very unnerving when you say something to somebody and have absolutely no recollection of it whatsoever and it is totally out of character. Sometimes it just makes me wanna cringe and hide under a rock out of shear embarrassment, remorse and guilt.

kimmydawn

Thanks for your understanding. Yes, it is very difficult and I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing or have experienced the same thing. Thanks for replying.

Hey Angel Girl, I just wanted to let you know that I replied to you under "Nocturnal Introductions", and it was regarding this post too.
But just allow me to say that I think you're being waaay too hard on yourself. And I really hope that you don't stop posting about yourself. Believe it nor not, you're doing a lot of people a lot of good, even if it's just to let them know that they are not alone. I, for one, thank you for that. And while you may not be able to get "silly" when you're in the abyss, you do still maintain a certain sense of humor. Don't ever lose that. Keep up the good work and the great posts hon! Tgrspurr.

I've said equally horrible things to the people I'm suppose to love the most...unfortunately, they have never forgiven me, which makes it extremely difficult for me to forgive myself. So I'm just happy for you that your son gave you the forgiveness that you absolutely deserve!

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Hey Angel Girl, I just wanted to let you know that I replied to you under "Nocturnal Introductions", and it was regarding this post too.
But just allow me to say that I think you're being waaay too hard on yourself. And I really hope that you don't stop posting about yourself. Believe it nor not, you're doing a lot of people a lot of good, even if it's just to let them know that they are not alone. I, for one, thank you for that. And while you may not be able to get "silly" when you're in the abyss, you do still maintain a certain sense of humor. Don't ever lose that. Keep up the good work and the great posts hon! Tgrspurr.

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tgrspurr

I'll wander on down to your post in a sec. Thanks for the compliments. I'm glad that I've helped you, don't know about any others but the more I think about it, my personal thoughts and experiences that I post about are coming back to bite me in the rear end. I'm a little tired of that happening and for that reason I am hoping to have enough self-control and self-discipline to not post anything too revealing or anything at all about myself anymore. I would like to think that posting can be a positive experience for myself too but it's just not turning out to be that way. I REALLY regret this thread and a couple others that I've done in the last couple of days, waaaaaaaaay too revealing and I'm tired of the inevitable strife that comes with it. Sticking to being supportive will be far more advantageous for me. I'm sorry if that disapoints you or anyone else but I just have to draw the line somewhere and here is where I hope it will start for me. I hope to sit on my hands a lot from this point on. I'll have to draw support from personal PMs, e-mails and my T. BTW, I am in no way suggesting that I have never been shown support because that simply would not be true. I have received lots of wonderful support and I'm extremely thankful for that, but with that, I've also received strife, strife that I came here to get away from.

Hi

That happen to me all the time - you're def not the only one who struggles to recognise themselves, I change so much from day to day, and throughout the day and what I say and how I say is ruled by my 'mood' at that time. I often say things I can't recognise the next day, It's like, I know I said it, I know I did it but I can't relate to it because my mood has changed. I see things differently depending on my mood, and I interpret things differently too.

Anyway, you're not the only one, OK

P x