[ForeverLonelyGirl]

I've posted on psych forums under many headings but they do all apply to my situation. Also hate being repetitious, but it occurred to me tonight how truly devastating this whole benzo withdrawal has been. Being on the med for 23 plus years straight without a break and then having some truly sadistic doctor take me off it cold turkey, while being held against my will due to a misrepresentation of my situation at a hospital. What a nightmare that was to start.

However, since this happened, I feel like I am having an existential crisis. Nothing seems right or as it was prior to this. I feel disconnected completely from "God". I was raised a Christian but now do not know what to believe. That just feels really, really wrong to me to my core. Everything I believed about life and the way it works it all twisted and warped. Now I am distrustful of people and just fear everything in life almost.

It's like I was ripped off the planet earth and I am floating around in space and don't know what to do with myself. I feel no sense of purpose any longer. I am unable to be a productive member of society. There is not much hope for the future for me socially, financially or spiritually. All that could be easier to cope with and reckon with if I could feel once again that there was the possibility of some spiritual connection...to anything!

As far as the pathology of the whole withdrawal syndrome, it really does not make sense, all this disconnection and feeling of being lost. That you do not remember much of what has happened for 20+ years of your life but you woke up in this nightmare, having lost everything you owned and knew all your life. It feels like one of those movies where in the future you live in a terrible dystopian existence. I have no idea how to overcome these all consuming feelings of nothingness. It's really bizarre!

[Dasmo1135]

As for the withdrawal, I can't relate too much, but know that there is a purpose and reason for a behind everything no matter how lost, concerned, or unearthed you become! Everything will always works out in the end, and I wish you the best of luck!

[Artchic528]

You can believe in whatever you feel is right. Being true to yourself is never wrong. If you feel something moves you, go with that.

For example. I was raised Catholic, but I disagreed so much with that faith that I left it. Renounced myself from it. Now I feel more so connected with nature and the spirits within. I don't know if it's a faith per say, but I feel that the Earth has this energy, and we are all connected to it. To Mother Earth. In some ways, I feel we all once did have the ability to communicate with the Earth, but some people have lost that ability as they moved onto other faiths.

That's just what I believe in. Maybe you can find something to believe in that moves you, that isn't necessarily one defined faith. Good luck!

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

You can believe in whatever you feel is right. Being true to yourself is never wrong. If you feel something moves you, go with that.

For example. I was raised Catholic, but I disagreed so much with that faith that I left it. Renounced myself from it. Now I feel more so connected with nature and the spirits within. I don't know if it's a faith per say, but I feel that the Earth has this energy, and we are all connected to it. To Mother Earth. In some ways, I feel we all once did have the ability to communicate with the Earth, but some people have lost that ability as they moved onto other faiths.

That's just what I believe in. Maybe you can find something to believe in that moves you, that isn't necessarily one defined faith. Good luck!

You feel connected to the earth, nature and the spirits within. That's great. However the point I was making is that I do not feel connected to anything...whatsoever. I feel completely disconnected from the world, from people and any kind of spiritual entity. It's an awful feeling of being adrift with no direction. If I felt any draw to anything, I think I would go with it.

[Artchic528]

Ah. You can always be a person who believes in nothing. That is absolutely fine. You don't have to have a faith at all. Nothing wrong in being faithless.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Having lost my faith is an absolutely devastating feeling and it's definitely not OK for me. This is a new way of life that I don't care for, it's not me or who I am. I've always had a very deep belief in who I thought was my God. To suddenly lose that feeling after 56 years is like I said, devastating and I just don't understand why this is happening. I am not expecting anyone to fix it for me here or make it seem ok.

[Artchic528]

Well, there is no one God. There are many different deities we all look up to for guidance and such. So losing the ability to believe in one god doesn't detract at all from the grand scheme of things. Just because you had a faith for 56 years doesn't necessarily mean you have to have one now.

[vital]

Originally Posted by ForeverLonelyGirl

I've posted on psych forums under many headings but they do all apply to my situation. Also hate being repetitious, but it occurred to me tonight how truly devastating this whole benzo withdrawal has been. Being on the med for 23 plus years straight without a break and then having some truly sadistic doctor take me off it cold turkey, while being held against my will due to a misrepresentation of my situation at a hospital. What a nightmare that was to start.

However, since this happened, I feel like I am having an existential crisis. Nothing seems right or as it was prior to this. I feel disconnected completely from "God". I was raised a Christian but now do not know what to believe. That just feels really, really wrong to me to my core. Everything I believed about life and the way it works it all twisted and warped. Now I am distrustful of people and just fear everything in life almost.

It's like I was ripped off the planet earth and I am floating around in space and don't know what to do with myself. I feel no sense of purpose any longer. I am unable to be a productive member of society. There is not much hope for the future for me socially, financially or spiritually. All that could be easier to cope with and reckon with if I could feel once again that there was the possibility of some spiritual connection...to anything!

As far as the pathology of the whole withdrawal syndrome, it really does not make sense, all this disconnection and feeling of being lost. That you do not remember much of what has happened for 20+ years of your life but you woke up in this nightmare, having lost everything you owned and knew all your life. It feels like one of those movies where in the future you live in a terrible dystopian existence. I have no idea how to overcome these all consuming feelings of nothingness. It's really bizarre!

Hi ForeverLonelyGirl,

I don't know about benzo withdrawal, but I want to send you hugs at least. Can you find a therapist or counselor to talk to who has experience with what you're going through?

- vital

[Mygrandjourney]

I agree that talking about this with someone, either in the spiritual realm or w/ a psychotherapist who is experienced in these matters would be worthwhile. BTW-IMHO, there's a reason it is called spiritual "practice" -sometimes we need to keep trying until we get it right! Perhaps the effect of the benzo was to shield you from this unpleasant state of things?

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Well, there is no one God.

That is definitely your opinion, not mine.

There are many different deities we all look up to for guidance and such. So losing the ability to believe in one god doesn't detract at all from the grand scheme of things. Just because you had a faith for 56 years doesn't necessarily mean you have to have one now.

Just my humble opinion , I think you may be trying to help but your comments are a bit presumptuous.

[peaceseeker63]

Sounds like an existential crisis brought on by stress of what you went through. I had a similar episode after having major abdominal surgery and being taken off my meds for only a week.

There is a blog called quora. Google it and existential crisis. I can't add the link because I am a new poster.

[~Christina]

I'm not one to hop in a religious topic, one thing I do want to ask and maybe you have shared this before and I missed it ...if so I apologize..

Why not go back on a small dose of benzo to take that edge off? People that go through such terrible hell long past the average detox shouldn't be left to suffer . I don't know if the choice was yours to stop or not.

I'm sorry your feeling so lost on all levels

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I'm not one to hop in a religious topic, one thing I do want to ask and maybe you have shared this before and I missed it ...if so I apologize..

Why not go back on a small dose of benzo to take that edge off? People that go through such terrible hell long past the average detox shouldn't be left to suffer . I don't know if the choice was yours to stop or not.

I'm sorry your feeling so lost on all levels

Thanks so much Christina for being so supportive. I agree that NO ONE should have to suffer through such hell for so long. Not that it really helps me to know this, but there are hundreds of people in my same boat that are on a benzo support site with me. Of course on that site, rescue doses are forbidden, similar to an AA member as in regards to alcohol. It is just not the same thing of course.

Not that I am going to adhere to those rules, I guess the reason I have not done that in over a year is fear. The last time I took a rescue dose, it was during the Thanksgiving holiday that was horrifically stressful with my withdrawal situation. I just would hate to set back any brain healing that I have. I still have some klonopin so I could do that if things got desperate.

Thanks again, and I will consider that. This is ridiculous!

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by ForeverLonelyGirl

That is definitely your opinion, not mine.

Just my humble opinion , I think you may be trying to help but your comments are a bit presumptuous.

It's not presumptuous at all. However, I respect your views and ideas about faith.

Originally Posted by ForeverLonelyGirl

I've posted on psych forums under many headings but they do all apply to my situation. Also hate being repetitious, but it occurred to me tonight how truly devastating this whole benzo withdrawal has been. Being on the med for 23 plus years straight without a break and then having some truly sadistic doctor take me off it cold turkey, while being held against my will due to a misrepresentation of my situation at a hospital. What a nightmare that was to start.

However, since this happened, I feel like I am having an existential crisis. Nothing seems right or as it was prior to this. I feel disconnected completely from "God". I was raised a Christian but now do not know what to believe. That just feels really, really wrong to me to my core. Everything I believed about life and the way it works it all twisted and warped. Now I am distrustful of people and just fear everything in life almost.

It's like I was ripped off the planet earth and I am floating around in space and don't know what to do with myself. I feel no sense of purpose any longer. I am unable to be a productive member of society. There is not much hope for the future for me socially, financially or spiritually. All that could be easier to cope with and reckon with if I could feel once again that there was the possibility of some spiritual connection...to anything!

As far as the pathology of the whole withdrawal syndrome, it really does not make sense, all this disconnection and feeling of being lost. That you do not remember much of what has happened for 20+ years of your life but you woke up in this nightmare, having lost everything you owned and knew all your life. It feels like one of those movies where in the future you live in a terrible dystopian existence. I have no idea how to overcome these all consuming feelings of nothingness. It's really bizarre!

I have a question ..
You said you were raised as a christian , my question is ..
Have you ever asked Jesus into your life ?
You know the sinners prayer ?

If you did ask Jesus as your lord and savior then you know in your soul that God is with you and loves you .
My advice is go seek a preacher and renew your faith with God read the bible .
Just because you do not feel him dose not mean he is not there with you .

Bible scriptures are filled with God speaking to you , here is one

Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.