Procrastination isn't even the word

I let things build up to the point that they are overwhelming. And then I am paralyzed. I am so afraid and so anxious. My stomach is in knots and all I want to do is hide in bed. I would go for a drive, but that means that I might run into my landlord or someone else in the building. All I do is avoid, avoid, avoid. Even this is me avoiding what needs to be done.

I lost my job three years ago - was laid off after 18 years. I was happy the day I was laid off. I hated what I was doing and did not like my boss or my co-workers. I got a nice severance package - 9 months at full benefits. And I was completely vested in my 401-k retirement plan. Well I went through everything and now I have nothing. Haven't paid March rent, will owe the IRS about $2,000 and owe my credit card company $4,500 and rising. I don't answer my phone because it is only creditors calling. I stopped therapy because I couldn't afford it anymore. And I stopped all meds about 6 months ago.

My apartment is a mess. The kind of mess that makes the evening news. My sister called last week and said she was coming up to visit. She said I couldn't say "no". She said I couldn't hide anymore. She said she would help me clean. She said she loved me (I am very lucky in family and a few close friends - they are the only reason I don't drive off a cliff). She said she wouldn't love me any less. But I hate myself and I am so afraid.

Trying, it is so very hard to reach out for help. Sometimes it takes a close friend or family member to reach out to me. Not too long ago, just before I came to the forum, I couldn't do anything around the house. Same kind of mess you are referring to. I couldn't care for my ferrets. I had to ask the nice lady from the shelter to care for my animals cause I couldn't. No judgement... she suffers from the same illness I do. My ex did the cleaning. Not trying to steal your thunder at all... just letting you know that I understand. I'm pulling for you hard. I hope that you soon start to feel better. I'm always here if you need a friend if you feel that you can't face the world. Post, PM me, hit me up in chat... whatever you feel like. I'm here. My thoughts and prayers are with you if you want them. Be safe and good.

ryan

Ryan, Thank you for the reply. I doubt that your place was as messy and dirty as mine. IT IS BAD. The board of health would come in in suits. And then want to be decontaminated.

That could very well be... I was just saying that I've been in a similar sutuation and sometimes find my self back there.

ryan

*gentle hugs* if you want them Trying. My place was bad also and I had gotten the ultimatum from my landlord clean or move so my mom came over and helped me scoop out. I could easily let myself go right back into that mode but the fear of moving keeps me from doing it...plus a few other fears....but anyway I hope you let your sister help and PM me if ya need too.

Janniebug

I understand completely.......it's an illness and procrastination keeps us in it.......pat

janniebug, thank you. So you received the ultimatum from the landlord too. I avoid mine and have nightmares of him coming in when I am not here. Were you embarrassed when your mom saw how bad your place was? I mean mine is really bad and it has my stomache in knots. Part of me can't wait til my sister comes and helps, and part of me hopes she cancels. So scared, nervous, anxious, jumpy, tired.

Thanks - Terese

Pat - thanks for your note. How do we overcome it? The procrastination? The depression. Can I change?

Terese

I know exactly what you're going through. I'm very bad at keeping my place up too. Piles of clutter and papers, can't find things, would take a major clean-up to find some things. It just gets to the point where it is now that it is so overwhelming, it paralyzes me. I just can't handle it, so I leave it. I know that's only going to make the situation worse if I don't do something, yet I can't seem to get past being paralyzed. I did have family members come offer to help me and to be honest that's what it would probably take cuz I don't even know where to start anymore, but thankfully they cancelled out for whatever reason, can't remember now. My superintendent came in here a couple of weeks back to do something with the plumbing, I had absolutely no warning. I was horrified and totally embarrassed. I NEVER allow anyone in here. It's not like I don't have the time to do it either cuz I'm home all day. I have no excuse. I know I need to be productive and get it done but it's just at the point that it would take me forever just to do one room and I would be too stressed out before I even started to get much done, so it probably wouldn't look any different for the effort I do put in. Even I am having a difficult time with 'managing' it now. Before I knew where things were even in this disarray but I can't honestly say that now. I had planned on at least cleaning off this desk today but the clutter still sits here. I really need help but I won't ask my family to help me, I'm too embarrassed. So sweetie, I know exactly how you're feeling. You're not alone. Oh, and I have two cats, so that makes matters worse, there always seems to be cat hair to clean up too. ugh!!! Funny you should bring this subject up now, I was just mentioning it to my T this week about how overwhelmed I am with it. She told me to just start at the top of each pile, one piece of paper at a time. Somehow, it just doesn't seem that easy for me. I can't get over how overwhelmed and paralyzing it all is. It's almost gotten to the point that I don't even notice it anymore so I don't think about it needing done until I find out somebody needs to come here and then it's a full fledged panic attack. To be perfectly honest, it was even extremely difficult for me to even post this because it's sooooooo embarrassing. I hate living like this and before I knew I was BP, I didn't live like this. This is not me, this is not the way I want to live but yet I feel too paralyzed to do much about it.

Angel Girl - thanks for the reply. I really appreciate it, I know you are going through a rough time. How is your mom?

I never let anyone in. When I leave I make sure no one is in the hall and they could see in. It is sad because I really am a sociable person. My old therapist used to tell me to take baby steps and I know that works, but I can't seem to do it. I get so lost in how huge it all is. Not just my apartment, but everything. Ugh!

I have a kitty too. He is an all white furry little thing. When I do laundry the filter is just filled with white kitty hairs. Not to mention every where else!

Thanks again for replying. It helps to know I am not the only procrastinator (such a better word than lazy) out there.

Terese