[restoreme]

Short background, I have been depressed forever. Been in therapy forever. Been on (what seems like) every single med and med combination known to man. Have PTSD with some dissociation issues (not full blown DID by any stretch) too. I have been in out of the hospital so many times I can no longer count. Last year it was 4 times. Those were inpatient. I've been in outpatient day programs too. My last one being Feb 1-end of March. It did nothing.

So my psychiatrist is urging me to do ECT. He has been maintaining that I should do it all along the time I've been seeing him. The psychiatrists that I have seen before (in the hospital and outpatient) all have told me I should do ECT. I have been staunchly opposed. My main concern is the risk to my memory. I am a single mom to 3 children who are very high needs and really cannot afford to lose memory function. My therapist of 5 years is the only professional who has voiced concern. His experience has been that people with dissociative issues can be exacerbated.

Presently, I am in a very bad place. I have been for 18 months now. I am usually in a bad place but it has been much worse over the past year and a half. I constantly think about wanting to die all day. I see nothing in the future for me. I believe therapy, meds, etc. is useless. I hate going to bed because when I close my eyes everything feels so black and scary. I really only care about my children. They are the ones keeping me going. They are leaving, however, 2 weeks from now to stay with their father who lives in another state for 6 weeks. My shrink thinks I should check myself inpatient and do the ECT then. I am at a point that my resolve is gone and I do not care. I think I'm just going to do it and screw the consequences.

I don't know what I hope to gain from posting this. Suggestions? Experiences - good or bad? Whatever? I just would appreciate some support I guess. I am at my end. This is the last option and I feel like I am just rolling the dice. There is no telling what the results will be. I am truly terrified. Absolutely terrified.

[growlycat]

I've never tried ect, but I have been THAT depressed. Did any dr's elaborate on the memory loss?

I OD'd in my teens and it affected my short term memory for a few weeks--I essentially couldn't remember conversations that happened 5 minutes earlier. I repeated myself a lot. Thankfully, I regained my short term memory. Still not sure how--did my brain re-wire around the damage?

Maybe if there is damage, you would regain functioning too? I would get more info from your doc about the true risks.

Take care, I hope you can find a treatment that works. Been though the meds myself, not a fan.

[nicoleb2]

I understand your fears. I had ECT a few years ago, and I have memory loss from it.

I have been on 35+ meds/combos so I relate to your frustration with meds.

It's a scary choice, but you have to make an informed decision

[Nammu]

Hello restoreme

I have similar background, PTSD & dissociation with depression issues. Years ago things were really bad for me and I too was in & out of the hospital. I've had ECT twice, the first time it was fine and did help. My daughter was 6 then shes 29 now. The second time I had only had the first round when my Pdoc returned to work. She was very upset with the Pdoc's that talked me into it because I had had been in a car accident and short coma just a few months earlier and ECT is not recommended in that case. The brain trauma I had suffered was causing a lot of the severe depression at that time.

I do have memory problems but mine came after the car accident not from ECT. I do have mild TBI from that accident but it has improved greatly over time. The brain is truly very remarkable and capable of growth. I would recommend going inpatient as you are better monitored and safe, if there's any changes they can catch them early and stop treatments which will mitigate any loss. Also ECT is much more controlled now with the drugs and better equipment if you are monitored the loss is often temporary. I am not able to take antidepressants(they cause mania & psychosis) and I don't tolerate anti psychotics so the ECT I had the first time was a life saver. Between the ECT, psych drug experiences & the spinal surgery I recently had I'd have to say the spinal surgery & psych drugs were the much scarier experience.

Best of luck with your journey to recovery.

[pachyderm]

Can you put into words why you are so scared? If you could put it into words, it might help you to understand, and to see the plusses and minuses of ECT more clearly.

[ThisWayOut]

wow, I read your post and could have written it myself in terms of the hospitalizations, dissociation, ptsd, and rampant depression... I was almost forced into ECT in 2011, but fought hard with the doctor and hospital (I was involuntary for the 20-something time that year) and won. Those who specialized in trauma that I worked with said that ECT was contraindicated. If you have the means, and since ECT is so scary, can you look into a trauma program while your kids are away? I went to a place in DC for 2 weeks and it helped IMMENSELY. I have also heard that there are several places in the southwest that specialize in trauma and a holistic (mind, body, soul) approach to treatment.
The following is a list of places I looked into/am looking into for more treatment. I went to The Center at the Psychiatric Institute of Washington
I have also heard good things about the following places:
Sierra Tuscon (though I think this one only does self-pay so it's way out of most people's league for payment, mine included, but if I had money I would go there)
here's a comprehensive list from the Sidran Institute, a leading trauma treatment clearinghouse of info: http://www.sidran.org/pdf/traumatreatmentcenters.pdf

The place in Boston (Trauma Center) is run by Bessel Van der Kolk, who is a leading researcher in trauma treatment.

I would suggest trying other avenues if you are that terrified of ECT... there's no reason you should have to go through that if there are other options.
I want you to know thought that I am personally VERY against ECT for trauma treatment, as there is no available research showing the efficacy for it. I know there are some personal accounts of positive effect, but the potential damage scares the crap out of me and I would never have it done myself no matter how bad I ever get... I think the consensus among most trauma professionals (I've looked into this, but if someone has info otherwise, please add a link) is that ECT is detrimental to a trauma client.
You will have 6 weeks without your kids, an inpatient stay at one of the specialty centers may make all the difference. It certainly did for me.

[winkynjr]

wow, you described me!! the way I feel and the way that my son is the only reason I stay alive!!! I wish you luck in whatever decision you make!!!

[restoreme]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Can you put into words why you are so scared? If you could put it into words, it might help you to understand, and to see the plusses and minuses of ECT more clearly.

At the top of my list, and it's a biggie for me, is the fear of permanent memory issues. I know two people who have had ECT that had long lasting problems. I mean one of them could only remember things if she wrote things down in her datebook. She was late for everything...totally flaky. She was single and had no kids so it was inconvenient but really had no one depending on her. I have a lot to keep track of with my three kids. All of them have mental health issues plus my youngest is extremely high needs with delays and learning disabilities. Each of them is in a different school which start at different times and dismiss at different times. I have to keep track of meds, dr appts, homework, and a bunch of other stuff. I mean with my youngest I have to be on top of our routine non-stop. Their father lives 8 hours away and is absolutely no help whatsoever. There is no one else but me to take care of my children or even just help. It's just me.

Another issue is that while my kids are away with their dad, I still have to be available to them on the phone. I need to make sure they're getting their meds, that they have enough and if they don't I have to refill them and mail them up there, I also need to be there just for emotional support as they're dad and grandma are rather rigid and demanding and hurtful. I have been able to swing all that while inpatient in the past. I mean I had to call my friend and have him do the refilling and mailing but the kids were mostly set. If I'm getting ect though, I do not know how I'll respond and whether I'll even remember my kids should they try to call me. It takes a lot of work to coordinate meds and all that and if I'm out of it and can't do it there really isn't anyone else to head that up. Plus, I don't exactly savor the idea of telling them I'm having ECT and the potential side effects that may come. For one thing, I DON'T want their dad to know as he is always threatening to take them from me. And I don't want them to feel like they have to keep it a secret from other people but also don't want them just spilling forth that information to just anyone and getting weird ideas about me.

Another fear I have is that my psychiatrist is not affiliated with a hospital anymore so I would be under the care of a different one who doesn't know me or barely knows me. The one who does ect at the hospital I'd hopefully go to is not exactly overflowing with compassion and understanding. He was my dr when I was in partial earlier this year and I really didn't care for him. My worries are that he isn't going to be respectful of my concerns, that I'll be too "out of it" from the ect to make intelligent decisions about my care while there and that he's going to make crazy changes to my meds that are going to make me worse. My hope would be that he would collaborate with my outpatient psychiatrist but I know I can't really expect that to happen. My dr is wonderful and would be happy to have input into my treatment with the inpatient dr, but I don't see inpatient dr making the effort to do that.

Sorry for the book. Even though that's long I hope it clarifies why I'm so freaked out.

[Tamster]

my doc and i talked about it and I said no way. He agreed and he understood my fear of memory loss as well so case closed.

[restoreme]

I have been saying no way for years now. My psychiatrist has been respectful of my wishes all along still but maintains that ECT may be a very good option for me given my history and difficulties. In the past I've been dismissive but this time I am so far gone, I am beyond caring what happens to me. I just don't know what to do.

I have gone through two courses of ECT for severe depression. I hold a bipolar and a PTSD diagnosis.

I had very minimal short term memory loss for the period surrounding my treatments the first time, but the memory problems were not for everything and were resolved very soon after my treatments were over. The second time through I had no memory problems at all. Both times my depression was relieved significantly and pretty quickly. All of my treatments were done unilaterally.

My husband also went through ECT. He had more problems with memory loss and disorientation during the treatments, but he went into the treatments nearly catatonic and they did bilateral treatments which do tend to cause greater memory problems. That said, even is memory issues resolved quickly after treatments concluded.

I work with a friend who also went through ECT. Her experience was much like mine.

We all returned to our jobs fairly quickly following treatment.

[angustios101]

My Pdoc has recommended ECT for me but I can't do it where I live without going inpatient which is not possible right now. So, I'm looking into Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) and Transcranial Directed Current Stimulation(tDCS). TMS can still induce a seizure (rarely) and there have been incidences of short term memory loss but you can do it outpatient and without going under anesthesia.

tDCS is also and outpatient procedure without the risk of memory loss or seizures. It is in clinical trials right now. Checkout this link to see if any of e 167 studies might be open to you or near where you live Search of: tdcs - List Results - ClinicalTrials.gov. You sound pretty worried about ECT and the memroy deficits it may cause; maybe checking ou these ECT-lite versions first before taking the plunge might help you make a decision about ECT.

[WikidPissah]

I did 4 courses of ECT. My memory loss was minimal (unilateral) but what little I lost, I lost permanently. I didn't realize it at the time (the last course was 3 years ago) but I lost a lot of memories around special occasions with my kids growing up. The procedure itself: you are asleep, you wake up with a whopper of a headache, you frequently pee your pants, you are kind of dopey for a few days, but not totally unable to function. It did eliminate the depression, every time. If I stayed on monthly maintenance it would have continued to work. BUT...I have flashbacks and night terrors from it. I do have brain damage that was picked up in MRI's for a different health issue I was going thru. It made my ocd and anxiety attacks worse.

It's NOT for me, nor would I recommend it to anyone. (I consider it to be barbaric)

[greenfrog24]

I had 15 treatments - my kids were 7 and 10. I was also mis-medicated and misdiagnosed for 10 years - so this was supposed to be my last resort to get out of the depressive mode. During the treatments my files were looked at closely and I had been thoroughly tested for ADHD and found to have it - but never received proper treatment for it. The same doctor, doing the ECT took my case and started me on ADHD meds and I really feel like that is what pulled me out of my depression - because I would fall into such a serious state of depression when I was not medicated.

I would not chose to do ECT again - unless I had no options at all. I lost at least 1 year of memory, and took about a year to regain my short term memory. Not fun when you are responsible for running the kids around, and completely forget the people you knew just a year ago. I was very open to people that I had suffered memory loss, and was working on regaining the short term - but it still was traumatic for me. Some people do not have memory issues, and ECT can be a life saver, and fully beneficial for some people.

Even now - years later - no longer taking any medications, I can tell that the frustration of my surrounding issues are the cause of my depressive modes. If the causes are there, ECT is not going to erase those. I have learned coping strategies, and stuff to get me out of that mode- Knowing that I am not suffering from true depression, but more of a state of frustration, and struggling to function with the many stressors around me has stopped me from hoping that a medication or treatment will fix it. I am envious of those that benefit from it though! It was a long road of trials and errors, but my kids are what kept me going.

Its been since 2007 and there are still times when I see parents, and I recognize their faces but do not know what their names are, and what type of relations ship I had with them. Its awkward, especially when they know me!

[Sabrina]

I would also not choose to have ECT again. I lost most memories from around that time and do not remember my brother-in-law's wedding which I attended. I couldn't do basic math and remember being very puzzled on how to boil an egg. All that came right in time but since the ECT didn't even help my depression, it was just an expensive waste of time.

[itsmeleyreagain]

It's up to you, but I would not do it. It sounds scary and I don't think it's gonna help you. I know how hard it is probably for you to feel that way but you must not think out of desperation, desperation makes people do horrible things, and ECT could give you more problems tan anything. It's simply scary.