And the cycle starts again

Back in sui ideation the past few days. This morning kinda... practicing.... hard to reach out and talk about what we’re not allowed to talk about.
T gone until Monday apnt. Don’t want to go inpatient
Mom’s birthday Sunday. Might have something to do with it. Supposed to celebrate tomorrow.
Also I’m laid up again with shoulder and ankle injuries. I’m tired of being in pain and see that Red glad for relapse coming up. Tired of using my skills. Tired of the cycle. Always the same cycle.

Please reach out, in real life, for the help you need...

Therapist doesn’t work Friday’s, my peer support must have been out sick... I don’t have reliable friends....
I did leave a message on T’s phone which she will get Monday- the day I see her.
If I call a crisis line, they’ll send an ambulance. I’m celebrating my mom’s 77th bday tomorrow so I can’t go inpat. I could go to overnight psych ER... but they might not let me out; they won’t for sure if I told them the truth....
Ain’t that but a bummer? People can’t talk about things without being considered a risk... yet we’re encouraged to talk about things.

Oh and I’m supposed to get a “pain therapist”. Got a message of approval and to call that center. After being on hold for them for 12 minutes, they said they’d call me Monday to schedule. Hm.

Aaaand back in the to go or not to go boat.
I’ve used my DBT skills, pros and cons, distraction, took a bath, shaved my legs, started re-reading a book I like, been on and off the internet. Journaled, packed an overnight bag, gave the cat extra food, and prepped the place to leave. That was an hour ago. And I’m still sitting here. I’m somewhere between not well and not bad enough for psych ER. I could go there and talk to a SW or so I hear. But it’s on the other side of town. Yet I got dressed. Course, I’d have to wear scrubs.
This indecision could drive a person batty. 4 more hours before bed. If I watch a movie that could use two of them.
I have thoughts of self harm, but that in itself isn’t reason to go in. I also don’t want to be there with some 30 people who made get have flu.
Guess I stay home and keep doing what I’m doing.

Try the https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ chat line. I have used that many times in the past as a distraction. Just have to be careful that you do not say you are going through with your plans otherwise they will have cops at the door. They find you through your IP address.

Oh- yes I’ve called it before, thanks. They transfer me to my local hotline every time.

I’m more steady finally today

Hope you get better🌟⭐️