[LittleGreen]

Thought i'd ask. I feel invisible most days, though this is something i usually want (not being seen)
I need to know there's someone out there.
I'm out of control and i'm gaining weight fast and this creates a vicious circle of shame and isolation and loneliness and overeating and weight gain and shame and isolation and...you get the idea.
My Geneen Roth books don't help as they did a couple of years ago. I have known 5 years of merely being overweight and being active and being able to wear stuff i wanted. Now i've lost that and it's freaking me out.
I've always been overweight at various degrees, but now i'm obese. And out of shape. And i can't do much cause i've been depressed for a while on top of having an injury that prevents me from doing stuff i used to love doing.
I'm so lonely and scared and out of control.
I don't know what to do.
I don't have money for shrinks, and im already on antidepressants. Maybe i could switch, but all the others cause weight gain which throws me back to that vicious circle. My clothes don't fit and i'm too broke to buy bigger clothes.
Seriously, i don't know what to do.

[Marla500]

Many hugs to you you are not aloneI don't have specific advice, I seem to be pretty much in the same place but keep coming here, you are in good company

[LittleGreen]

Originally Posted by Marla500

Many hugs to you you are not aloneI don't have specific advice, I seem to be pretty much in the same place but keep coming here, you are in good company

Thank you Marla

[waggiedog]

Hello dear loved_one. I have a severe eating disorder which has included every kind of eating disorder classified (and others un~classified!) I was first hospitalisied in a Psych ward some 30 plus years ago. Then followed approx. 8 years of going in and out patient. Then I heard of Geneen Roth (I'm English & and live in England now), Geneen is little heard of here but I've read every book she's written. Anyways, after that 8 years I yo yo dieted, always my weight was going up or down, never stayed the same. I went from being very light (anorexic) to definite overweight, touching obese and I totally HATED that. I became someone who never wanting to go out and like you, I wanted to be transparent. It kinda sounds likie dissasociativate (sp) personality disorder, when you kinda go back into your body physically and mentally. Of course I'm not a Dr. I have the recent diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and with this comes many many nasty side effects. Should you want to have a little chat with me, especially regarding the eating disorder, PLEASE PLEASE DOOOOO be sure and leave me a message.
I've left a ''friend request'' on your message board.

[LittleGreen]

I have gotten your friend request, and i have been trying to accept it but it keep buffering.
It's still there in my notifs, and i'll try again tomorrow. Might be a glitch.

I have seen your profile and i read you enjoy French. My native tongue is French, so si tu veux pratiquer

Anywho, i have never really understood about dissociative disorder. I've read about it, along with BPD stuff a while ago cause someone suggested i might suffer from BPD. This was following a break up years ago, and i was very angry and scared at the time. From what i read, not sure i fit enough 'criterias' to be officially diagnosed, but it pops from the back of my head sometimes. I try and be careful about labels. The doc who suggested BPD spoke to me for 30 minutes total.

Roth books have helps me so much in the past with food. I have them all also. But lately it does not seem to sink in. Or i block it out? It's like i don't want to get better. I dont know how to explain it, but as an example, i'll go on a long walk in the afternoon but overeat all evening, like to annul the benefits of the walk. I often feel like i hurt myself in purpose.
I was always a bit chubby as a child, and was obese in some teen years and most of my 20s and 30s. I had been doing well though the past 5 yrs. Then i started gaining weight a year and a half ago. I have gained 30lbs since then, half of it in the past couple months.

What doesn't help is my anxiety level. In the past year, i have had many losses. Friends, pets, some autonomy (i've just had orthopedic surgery), loss of money due to being on sick leave for months, loss of social life, loss of mobility, etc...It's been a hard year and i manage staying afloat, but i am dealing with depression. The art classes im taking are not really helping long term. Art an learning a new skill does not sink in, it seems.
I've been single for over 2 years, and i avoid men in general now. My poor choices in life partners have left me with little trust in my judgement. Being rejected by a close friend has shook me too. She has her issues too and overreacted to my saying no to her. As flawed as i am, i did not deserve such rage i think, and i did not chose to end the friendship. There's nothing i would do different now, but still, it hurt. Mutual friends immediately stopped speaking to me. Some of them have come forward since and acted friendly again, but i think that whole thing traumatized me. Someone i loved talking crap about me, all of a sudden. She betrayed me and painted a twisted picture of what really went on between her an i so people would pick her side, and they did initially (at least that's what i think since they stopped talking to me. I never spoke a word to them about this),which made me question how they even saw me in the first place. All i could do was try to move on, say nothing about her to anyone, be mature and hope people were smart enough to see through her game.
Am i still typing? Sorry, i think losing her friendship an those linked to her was not as painful as the fact that someone can turn on you like that cause i stuck up for myself.

So, point is, i eat wayyy too much in the evenings and i can't seem to be able to stop myself this time. I fool myself into thinking once my body is healed from surgery, i can start running again and go to the gym and the pool and...diet. Become leaner and toner.
Which might actually happen and work...for a little while till i binge again and get totally discouraged. I will sabotage.
So i need to figure out why i eat, and how to stop it. It's like im too close to it and i can't see it, perhaps?

[Fuzzybear]

[LittleGreen]

Thank you Waggie and Fuzzy.

[LittleGreen]

Aaaargh! I have tried sending Waggie a message and it says i can't cause i haven't had 3 posts yet.

Waggie, this quirky place won't let me accept your friend request. It just keeps buffering. I have tried many times last night, and again just now.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Loved_one

Aaaargh! I have tried sending Waggie a message and it says i can't cause i haven't had 3 posts yet.

Waggie, this quirky place won't let me accept your friend request. It just keeps buffering. I have tried many times last night, and again just now.

I think five posts is the magic number! You should be okay now to communicate on this site.

I feel like im in the same boat you are. My therapist keeps telling me to be persistent. Its hard.

[LittleGreen]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I think five posts is the magic number! You should be okay now to communicate on this site.

I feel like im in the same boat you are. My therapist keeps telling me to be persistent. Its hard.

Ah, that damn boat. Not a fun cruise ain't it...
Persistent with what?

[cryingontheinside]

I relate to everything you said. I feel the same . its horrible

Sent from my GT-S6810P using Tapatalk

[LittleGreen]

Oooh my posts are being posted instantly now. No need to be moderated

Soooo...i'm not super used to forums and this one is HUUUUGE. I'm browsing but there's so much stuff out there.

Anyone, feel free to suggest threads to me.

[LittleGreen]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

I relate to everything you said. I feel the same . its horrible

Sent from my GT-S6810P using Tapatalk

It is. I'm sorry

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Loved_one

Ah, that damn boat. Not a fun cruise ain't it...
Persistent with what?

Persistent with getting exercise (which for me means doing chores around the house. Used to be, doing one chore was a lot! Now im doing multiple. But it has taken a while) and with eatingbetter. My t is big on big salads - i am actually learning to like them. Altho i kinda feel like a cow chewing her cud!

[LittleGreen]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Persistent with getting exercise (which for me means doing chores around the house. Used to be, doing one chore was a lot! Now im doing multiple. But it has taken a while) and with eatingbetter. My t is big on big salads - i am actually learning to like them. Altho i kinda feel like a cow chewing her cud!

The only exercise i can manage to get these days (and the past year) has been walking, which is not easy mainly cause of the state of the sidewalks in the winter here. It's how i injured myself in the first place. I am restricted in what i can do because of it. I'm hoping i will be allowed to swim after some physio.
This is why i have been gaining weight fast, on top of emo eating\binging.

It's not unusual for me to get at least 5 portions of fruits and veggies daily, sometimes up to 10 portions. I enjoy eating them. I don't eat unhealthy all day, just in the evenings after dinner.
I could compare it to an alcoholic who drinks water and green tea during the day and be fine with it mostly, then a 6 pack and a mickey in the evenings, without being able to control his intake much....and feel like crap in the morning.
I actually get food hangovers.

[unaluna]

My solution to evening overeating was to move those calories to breakfast and lunch. It was really hard for me to get into a breakfast mindset. There is always a voice in my head asking, "you dont have to eat right now, do you? You can wait a little longer, cant you?" By the time i would start eating, i couldnt stop. Now i eat breakfast, and i notice if it was enough or not. And ive noticed im starting to look for lunch a little earlier. Weight watchers and other diet programs give recommended hours between meals and snacks. I also try to get more protein in during the day and make dinner more veggie oriented. At least ive stopped gaining! Just keep at it.

[LittleGreen]

Ah i think i used the wrong example with the beverage story.
I am very good at eating balanced breakfasts, and always eat a substancial lunch. I was careful about getting enough protein. I don't do diets and i don't deprive myself during the day. I think my problem is being overwhelmed with anxiety and loneliness emotions more in the evenings, and that leads to overeating an bingeing. I need to find a solution for the lack of dealing with emotions.
Sometimes it affects me during the day, when im very anxious and 'paralyzed' (meaning i dont want to move, go out, etc. ) but thankfully that doesnt happen every day.

[LittleGreen]

Ah i think i used the wrong example with the beverage story.
I am very good at eating balanced breakfasts, and always eat a substancial lunch. I was careful about getting enough protein. I don't do diets and i don't deprive myself during the day. I think my problem is being overwhelmed with anxiety and loneliness emotions more in the evenings, and that leads to overeating an bingeing. I need to find a solution for the lack of dealing with emotions.
Sometimes it affects me during the day, when im very anxious and 'paralyzed' (meaning i dont want to move, go out, etc. ) but thankfully that doesnt happen every day.

[unaluna]

No, your example was fine! I get that paralyzed thing too. Im not sure how to change that.

[LittleGreen]

Originally Posted by unaluna

No, your example was fine! I get that paralyzed thing too. Im not sure how to change that.

Yeah, it's unpleasant.