[slm7279]

Hi everyone. I am currently in a relationships with a man for about 3-1/2 years. We have broke up on several occasions due to his irratic behavior. He is 41 and I am 44 btw. I've been married before and he has never been married. He has so many good qualities as well but I am CERTAIN he has some sort of mood disorder, but I don't know what it is. I've done some research on my own but can't seem to find anything that "matches" his moods completely. So, here are his moods on any given day.

When he is happy, he is euphoric, chatty, ADD, and somewhat cocky (in a joking way). He can be like this for 3 weeks or so and then he crashes. The ugly comes out just like that. I walk on eggshells as i have no idea what is going to "Set" him off.

When he is upset, he is super intense with scary expressions to his face and body. The times he is like this, he blames everyone else for his problems to the point of yelling and belittling that person (calling names, etc.) , whomever it may be. Mostly it is me or his work out buddy. When he is angry, he becomes extremely verbally abusive with his words. He has only physically touched me once in the 3-1/2 years and it was when he was mixing wine and vodka together (unknown to me at that time). He'll call me names like "*****, asshole, idiot, stupid, retarded, etc. at these times. I am super emotional so this hurts me a lot.

He can't seem to concentrate on any one thing (example from just yesterday: He wanted to cook steaks on the grill and started the grill. He THEN decided he wanted to cut down part of a tree in his back yard. I asked him if he wanted me to cook the steaks. He perceived this as me being impatient and said he would do it. With this, I walked away and let the grill run for an hour which in turn caused him to blame me for using up all the propane. If i would have turned off the grill, he would have been upset because when he was ready to grill, it would be my fault that i turned it off and he would have had to wait. Again, blaming.) Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

He pulls everyone into "projects" he is working on, but ultimately he becomes impossible to work with when he becomes frustrated (the blaming thing) or when he insists on "completing" the project even if it means working all night (again, blames those who won't assist him in his obsessiveness about completetion). this is the ONLY time I have seen him focused. It is like he has to prove something by finishing it. Also, he will tell me every time... This project will take 20 minutes. 5 hours later, we are still working on it. He has no consideration for my time and how this obsessiveness affects me or anyone else around him. this happens EVERY time. I have tried to not assist him when he becomes like this, but he becomes so abusive verbally that i will do anything to help complete the project as quickly as possible. Whenever I see him getting out his tools, my stomach drops because I know I'm in for a mess.

He tells me all the time how much he loves me and feels thrilled to have me in his life. When he is happy, he is sweet, generous, and kind. But it's like a switch gets flipped and when it does, I never know how bad things will get. He may decid to try and pick fights with me or he may just withdraw. Either way, it's a misreable feeling. Some would say he is bi-polar but I don't feel he fits this exactly. His moods are up and down but they aren't behaviors that show impulsiveness like bi-polar tends to. I just wish I knew what was wrong with him so I could better understand how to deal with him. I do know his childhood was unconventional. His father was very physically and verbally abusive. His mom left his dad and bounced from man to man. She allowed him to travel with a family friend during the summers with a carnival at the age of 13 at which time he began working at the carnivals. He is a hard worker and is very intelligent. He has a master's degree in behavioral health, ironically and works with children with different emotional/social/mental issues and is great at it. I think at times he is completely unaware of his irratic behavior. Does anyone have any insight on how I can handle this?? I'm desperate to understand so that I can help him.

[kaliope]

could you let him read this and ask him how he would help somebody in this situation? talking to him about his behaviors would be the first step to change. he may not be aware he is like this. no personality disorder presents as it does in a text book. he would have to be evaluated professionally. the question is, how long are you going to put up with the abusiveness? remember to take care of yourself while you are trying to take care of him.

[slm7279]

I have tried to talk to him, but he feels like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He doesn't see that his actions at times are destructive to not only himself but others. People label him as a "hothead". He really has no real long term friends. He drives people away with his behaviors. There is a reason he has never been married. His mother tells me all the time that I have calmed him significantly... (I hate to see what he used to be like!) and that I am very good for him and that he truly loves me. However, she does also tell me that he is very similar in his mood swings to his father who has been diagnosed bi-polar. I am just at a crossroads. I love the times he is happy and in a good place. He's sweet and charming and generous. But the mood swings are tough on me. I walk on eggshells even though it doesn't help. It may be something he perceived I did or someone made him mad at work or while he was driving... you never know what will trigger it. I do need to make a decision as part of his issue with me lately is that I won't commit to moving in or planning marriage as I am scared. He feels like we have been together long enough that we should be in the next phase of our relationship. He says that he loves me and that should be enough.

[gayleggg]

I would think long and hard about getting further into this relationship. Can you see yourself living with this for 30-40 years? He is being abusive when he is not being his good self. Are you willing to put up with this kind abuse for the rest of your life. He sees nothing wrong with his behaviour therefore sees no reason to change. Life would only be worse living with him. Been there done that.
Gayle

[slm7279]

I wish I could find out what kind of mood disorder(s) he has because it has to be something. Last night I got blamed for smashing his rice cakes. I was like "What, seriously you think I would do that?" and he said there was no other explaination. He won't even consider that it may have happened at the store... When I told him he was being unreasonable, he said he didn't do anything wrong by asking a question (he never did admit he accused me of doing it) and said he doesn't like the way I talk to him. I went to bed bawling and haven't stopped all day today. Every move I make or don't make, every decision I do or don't make...I ALWAYS consider 1st thing how it will affect him. I look at things in every possible angle to make sure I don't do anything to set him off, but no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I still set him off. I just want to understand this. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, mow the grass, run the errands, tend to the dogs, make sure he has all his special foods he likes... I plan my whole day around making sure everything is perfect and I get accused of breaking his rice cakes, purposely. And I find myself apologizing for something I didn't do and then be told I'm acting like an idiot. How can someone be this up and down? How can it be fixed? I tried talking to him today about it but he doesn't have time to deal with me (his words)... It breaks my heart.

[deelooted]

Wow, sounds a lot like me see diagnosis below...it is possible that he is, too!

[Tattyhead]

Hi,

This sounds very much like my husband (although he never came anywhere near to physcial violence) I used to dread him coming home from work because of what mood he would be in. He has been diagnosed with Cyclothymia which is similar to Bi-Polar but moods are not generally as extreme (although he did feel suicidal) and you cycle up and down more quickly than with Bi-Polar.
He is now on medication - Citalopram and although there were a few side effects, after 2 months the change is wonderful, I now have a very loving and caring hubbie who cannot beleive what he put me through. Have a read up and see if that fits. Good luck, I know how hard it is to live constantly seconding guessing him and what will upset him. What you MUST realise is that it is not you, it is his illness, but it is important that he realises he has a problem and seeks help, I hope it all comes right for you.

[avlady]

I agree with Tattyhead, it is not you, he needs help and bad. do you really want to walk on eggshells the rest of your life, i've been there and done that too in a previous relationship, my son's dad.it is so nerve racking not knowing how and when something will be set off.

[goldiemom]

First, experience with a son of a behavioralist who was raised to believe in behaviorialism. He believed that altering his behavior would alter how he thinks. Whether this is ultimately true or not is arguable but in my experience resulted in this person not taking any responsibility for his thoughts or things he said, and he seemed to draw a line between words and actions, as if his words were not negative behavior sometimes. If you reward his negative behavior by staying there, it may say to him its okay. He sounds self-absorbed enough to only see your responses to him in big chunks of what you do, and not listening to the finer points you may be arguing with words and emotions.

Second, his verbal abuse is abuse. I can bet he doesn't speak that way to patients, who are pretty much strangers, so why would he talk to the person he supposedly loves that way? Shouldn't he be kinder to a loved one instead of meaner? He can and should control it, or not even feel that way in the first place.

If he already disrespects you enough to talk that way to you, it will never get much better. He can "alter his behavior" possibly, but the feeling inside will probably stay the same and he will slip back. Meanwhile, every hurt will cause you to trust him less, until you will not be able to enjoy even the good times. It may take years, but it will happen, I know this to be true, then you will descend into codependence and the treatment will get worse and you will endure it. Probably, at some point, he will become shocked and horrified at his behavior, blame YOU--you should have had some self-respect and left despite his protests, and leave you anyway. He's probably already there on the codependence, sounds like, after all, would you want to stay with someone who you call names like that? No, you're there because you are afraid to be alone. A degree and a job doesn't guarantee sanity or goodness or honesty or integrity. He is in a position of authority and not likely to be questioned much. I'm just glad he's not my doctor.

You need to stand up for you and make yourself be respected. If it were me, every time he acted that way, I would leave, no matter what he said. Or just tell him in a motherly voice that you are not going to tolerate it. If you don't like playing mother (or warden as I call it), which this guy obviously needs, since he apparently wasn't brought up right and his behavior is "criminal", then I would cut my losses. Things will look up after, they always do. Sometimes we just pick bad ones, that is something many of us have to work on.

[ECHRYSS]

try "out of the fog" (for partners of people with personality disorders)- amazon kindle.
dos and donts- a little theoretical and not very easy to follow when in crisis, but its some kind of help for you