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#1
Jan 02, 2011, 06:37 PM
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Hello everyone -
I just found PC this afternoon and have been reading the threads in this forum for about the last 2 hours. I am so glad to find a place at last where I have so much in common with the other people here - but as I type that, I realize what a truly sad thing that is, that we are all here because someone we love is ill and/or we are ill ourselves. I have been friends with my husband for 13 1/2 yrs, married for 10 1/2. I have loved him very much and been very happy most of that time. Turns out for at least the last 18 months I was alone in that "happy marriage" definition and I didn't even know it (and I'm a therapist, how about that?). He left on a business trip Aug 16 as my loving husband and returned a pod person. At first I thought his detachment and irritability was perhaps an affair and my anxiety began to rise. He absolutely wasn't himself. It was a very confusing time for about 2 months - he talked about wanting me to leave b/c he "didn't want to hurt me anymore" and I had absolutely no idea what had suddenly happened to my husband. I won't bore you with the details but it took a while to figure out that he is actually clinically depressed. He finally just started an antidepressant about 3 weeks ago and has now had 2 appts with an individual therapist. Most of the time now he is incredibly prickly irritable (and his usual mood is so mellow) and if he isn't being a snot then he's like a big, dark raincloud moving through the house. Now that I finally understand he is ill, my anxiety has disappeared and most of the time I can love him and support him, but I do hold him accountable for his own recovery - he didn't choose to be ill but he has to choose to be well - still there are days when I feel frustrated and irritated myself and I have taken to honestly communicating that to him. I don't know if we'll stay married or not. I hope so. But I have also started thinking about alternate futures in case that becomes necessary. I have certainly learned to be grateful for my friends and family and that it is up to me to nurture my own support network, because my best friend isn't there any more. I'm here b/c I need support from other women in the same predicament and b/c I hope I can maybe help provide some support too - I think it was Mark Twain who wrote that "sorrow shared is halved." thanks for reading my post. 
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 kindachaotic
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#2
Jan 03, 2011, 03:43 AM
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Thank you for providing your input on my post about my boyfriend's SZ. It helped. My bf had bouts of depression before he was diagnosed with SZ. So I really understand what you are talking about about here. It's so hard. I think love only goes so far, you can love a person but sometimes we have to save ourselves. It's just that simple, we are only human and only so much we can take.
Sometimes our ill loved ones don't get that. But it is such a personal choice what to do, I know some people can tough it out and be strong but others are like me, we internalize things and take every little thing personally that our ill partner does that isn't right. I wish I could rise about that but I don't know if I can. I hope you will find the strength for whatever you want to create as an outcome. Good luck and take care. |
| Sad_Spouse
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#3
Jan 05, 2011, 09:13 PM
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Sad Spouse, Welcome. Its a challenge of the heart when a spouse family member or self is sick . Its important to take care of yourself and know that things are different and hopefully with the right help/meds/support things will improve or change. Im sure there are times that its beyond difficult watching your husband who is usually a certain way behaving differently. A lot of very nice, supportive caring people here to at least lend an ear. Sometimes just being listened to gives us strength to continue.
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#4
Jan 05, 2011, 09:42 PM
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Sad Spouse, I relate.
Being with a partner who is severely depressed is like walking through a forest of glass and trying to break anything while at the same time, trying not to get cut. I love my partner, but I am tired of hearing how much better I would be without her. I am tired of her clinging to me out of need, but not really taking any productive steps, beyond medication and occasional therapy, to help herself recover. I am so tired of feeling like everything I do contributes to her depression, because I am functioning and it makes her feel guilty. I'm tired. I love her and I am sure I sound bitter and angry. I am right now. We have days that are perfect. I don't understand how she can be fine for days and then crash. Her most recent episode was brought on by her reaction to me expressing that maybe we were paying to much for our kitchen remodel. This triggered her to spiral down into the "I don't make enough money" pit. I can't get her out. Right now, she is apologizing over and over because she fell asleep in her chair and her soda spilled a little. I don't want to leave her, and likely won't. We have a son. But I am losing my ability to cope. I feel you. I hope things get better for us all. |
 Greeneyedgirl76
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#5
Jan 06, 2011, 07:21 PM
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Thank you Lorna and Chrysalis - good advice to remember to take care of ourselves. I initially dove back into Buddhism to try to deal with my anger and remind myself that it was my attachment to wanting things to be the way they were, when it's really all an illusion anyway, that made me so upset. Then I decided I needed to start meditating again, then that I needed to get back into yoga and rejoin the gym. Now, four months later the yoga and gym are only sort of sticking. And ice cream keeps following me home...at least I am getting more of my school work done (I am a very late blooming PhD student) though not as much as I would like.
Chrysalis I totally relate to feeling completely irritated at times, like when he says, "I hope I made the bed right, I just don't trust myself these days." I just can't believe it! We've been making the bed the exact same way for how many years now??? Sometimes he just really gets on my last nerve. Then other times he seems so vulnerable I just want to hug him and just in the last week or so we've even shared a joke - but he still won't even kiss me on the cheek - where is the black hole that our spouses disappear down into??? I hope your partner finds the desire to try harder to get well. I know I'll stay with my husband as long as he's willing to try b/c I really do still love him. I am so sorry that she isn't trying harder right now. It must be so difficult for you and for your son. SS Last edited by Sad_Spouse; Jan 06, 2011 at 07:24 PM. Reason: misspelling |
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#6
Jan 07, 2011, 04:03 PM
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I'm sorry that your husband is depressed. Kinda like that Cymbalta commercial:
"Who does depression hurt? Everyone." Depression is so hard, from the inside and the outside. I've been (clinically atypical) depressed, and my husband...goes through depressed moods. Please take care of yourself. Include him as much as he is able, but don't sell yourself short if he's not up with you. If he feels anything like I did, he's not trying to make you angry or annoyed or irritated, even if it feels that way. Depression is like having sunglasses on your soul in the middle of the night. I didn't want everyone to get upset with me, but I didn't know how not to be upset myself. And I know that doesn't help you be not upset. You feel what you feel and feelings just are. But if you can, remind yourself that this isn't about you. Do what you need to do to be ok. Go buy some cheap plates and a shower curtain at Goodwill, take 'em out to the garage and smash plates for a few minutes. It helps with frustration and anger sometimes. Best thoughts and wishes for you!
__________________
They don't ever lock ya up for thinking crazy - they only get ya for actin' crazy! And just 'cause I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't really out to get me... |
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#7
Jan 07, 2011, 04:39 PM
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Quote:
I really like your description of depression as "like having sunglasses on your soul in the middle of the night. I didn't want everyone to get upset with me, but I didn't know how not to be upset myself." (I did not think this was a funny part) What you describe sounds like some of the things my husband says at times. My own worst thing is that I am sluggish in my school work and I am almost ABD but have seriously stalled out - have to get going. But it's 4:40 so dissertation will continue to wait - I'm going to check out with a downloaded movie and then make something really healthy for supper. Thank you again. SS |
| Kendyll
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#8
Feb 07, 2011, 12:28 PM
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Quote:
 , mental exhaustion , anger!!!!! , sadness .......etc. I know what you are talking about when you say 'detachment, irritability, leaving b/c they don't want to hurt us anymore and a dark raincloud moving through the house." Great descriptions!!! I certainly share the sorrow of living with a depressed spouse. For myself, at this time, I am just trying to keep my head above the water. Our youngest child (20 yrs. old) is also dealing with major depression, anxiety and don't really know what all yet. He has just started the process a few weeks ago with counseling and seeing a psychologist for medication. Yet, my depressed husband is pretty much angry most of the time at him for not getting on with his life. I just think to myself - hold the mirror up, bud, take a look at yourself, you've been like this for the 27 years that I've known you and you've not dealt with it! I remind myself that depression in an illness, and how blind one is to seeing their own condition. There are days that I honestly don't know how I've stayed in this situation. At this time I am feeling very angry - because my husband is not getting help ( just talks about it). Any encouragement would be appreciated. |
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#9
Feb 08, 2011, 04:06 PM
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Quote:
I am the one to say, "wow" - you have a lot on your plate. My husband is getting a little bit better (still no idea what will happen in the future, though). I am glad that my descriptions resonated enough for you to write. I am absolutely amazed that you have managed to stay married for 27 years to a husband who is so depressed and it comes out in anger. No way could I do that. My hat is off to you for honoring your commitment. I am sooooo sad that your son has not only inherited the dreaded genetic vulnerability but that life with his dad has tipped him over the edge so that now he is ill too. At least he is getting help. THAT is really something to hold on to and be thankful for. I know I felt really grateful when I found this forum - it helped me a lot - I wrote like crazy for a couple weeks and have slowed down some now. Stay in contact and write. Write to others in their threads and definitely start your own thread. You'll likely find that there will be one or two or a few women you'll click with and exchange several messages with and that connection can feel really good. It sure did for me. and I'll be right here too. Please write again any time. SS. |
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#10
May 17, 2011, 06:24 PM
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Quote:
I just joined the group and found your posting. My husband suffers from depression. I love him, we have children together, we have been together 20 years. Our marriage isn't going to break up over this, we are committed to each other, but its hard, really hard for me. I lost my friend and in place I have someone who has "bad days" 6 out of 7 days a week. He sleeps all the time, rarely smiles, cries at the drop of a hat. I am really blessed, he recognizes his depression and is seeking treatment, but I find myself saying "but what about me" at the end of my hard days. And I am alone because he can't take on my regular life issues of work, kids and life in general. I am hoping to find someone who understands what I am going through, just so I feel some normalcy in the midst of this. I hope you are still active on this board cause I hear ya. |
| kindachaotic
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#11
Jul 22, 2011, 07:50 PM
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Hi there,
I really like this group and I hope we can kep it going, because my husband also suffers from depression. In fact, since the 80's he has had 7 episodes that required hospitilazation for 6 of them. The thing that really gets me is how the insurance handles the needs that you want. Because I work and he is on my insurance, you would think that we would have access to services that we need. But it seems like private insurance that I have does not work. And to talk to the insurance company on the phone, mental health issues are not something they want to talk about. I can go on and on about that. I can relate to what Sad Spouse said about staying married. When he was really sick last year, he said some very mean things about us & the marriage - and i am a big stressor... But at the time I thought it was the illness talking, but now that he is doing better, I asked him about it at one of our therapy meetings, and he dosen't remember it. I guess I am afraid that if I pry too much, it will start a downward spiral again. So I think about alternatives also, but at the same time I don't want to, because like you said, it is an illness and he didn't choose it. Plus I have very strong feelings about the marriage vows, but I questioned my pastorabout it & asked how much am I supposed to take? I do have a super support group of friends, and family. The thing that's hard for me is that I'm not a talky person, so now more than ever, I have to reach out to them - and for me, that's the hard part. But I know they would be there ...all I have to do is ask them... This is getting long, but I really would like to hear from you out there. Take care of yourself. 
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| kindachaotic
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#12
Jul 25, 2011, 07:41 PM
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Hi! Sad spouse,
Your story is quite similar to mine. I've been with my hubby for 24 years and married for 17 yrs. i've got 2 children a boy 10 and a girl 6. Last april I took an appointment for him because his mood had change ( yelling at the kids and not avalaible emotionnaly and at home). At his work he wasn't happy either and I took my distance( not reacting emotionaly to him) so that I could hold my family together. The doctor suggested therapy and by the end of may, he was medicated to treat depression. He was diagnose with seasonal depression but frankly now, I think he just has a depression. For ten years he had the winter blues (seasonal) so I didn't think anything of it and as usual it would pass, but every year it got a little bit worse. It is hard for us spouses because we also go through all kinds of emotions. I was ready to leave, if he didn't do what it took to help himself.For now we are both in therapy and we're working it together. With both the med and therapy, he has change and when he doesn't take the meds, I notice and he's starting to notice too. It's a rocky road but by talking and trying to save our family. My husband is ill and he's trying hard so for me, leaving isn't an option at this moment. Sorry if my spelling isn't that good, i'm french! Hope to chat with you some more because your letter really touch me Myart 
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#13
Aug 04, 2011, 07:23 PM
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Hi Ladies,
It is so good to hear that others out there are having the same issues as I am and it really helps to talk about these with someone that knows how it is. When I hear other people (at work) tell about their lives, it makes me feel "weird" if I say anything because it's not like their lives (they can't relate) Does anyone else have the same issue? I too hung in there for 22 years. There are times I wonder but then I wouldn't know what else there is. Thanks for being there.
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#14
Aug 06, 2011, 01:33 PM
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I haven't been in this forum in ages due to the short life spans of so many threads here, and this forum not being the primary focus of the site itself.
(The site's focus is for people who have these mental conditions, not so much for family & spouses)A good site is Depression Fallout. It is for people who have depressed (and bi-polar) people in their lives, be it a spouse, sibing, parent etc. Way busier than this. The companion book by Anne Sheffield is Depression Fallout: What you can do to preserve the bond. I had a boyfriend who is severely depressed for almost 4 years. We broke up this January (nice way to start the year and decade  ) because he is too sick to be in a relationship. He might love me, but he's not "there" or able to participate in the relationship. It was okay the first 2 years, but then he spiraled downward, esp. after he just dropped therapy.
__________________
 Call me "owl" for short!  Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here. "Okay, enough photos. I'm a very BUSY Business Kitty, so make an appointment next time." |
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#15
Aug 08, 2011, 05:41 PM
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We're going to see his therapist tomorrow - wonder how that will be?
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#16
Aug 13, 2011, 12:10 PM
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Good luck.
 Good sign that you are going TOGETHER, as it is something that affects you both.I should have written the direct link for the site: www.depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com You can view the posts without registering. I'm sure you'll find it enlightening.
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#17
Aug 16, 2011, 06:06 PM
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His therapist is really good, and this time we hit on a lot of heavy duty stuff - like intimacy (or lack of - and I mean sex too) Does anyone else have the same issue?? Anyhow, part of me says that part of it is the illness, but then another part says that maybe there is some truth to some of it. But then when we try to discuss it he dosen't know.
You know it takes two to tango and right now, he dosen't take as much care about some things. Personally that isn't really apealling to me. And I'm sure there are some things that I could do, but when I question him, he dosen't say. We are more like roommates instead of husband & wife. We go back at the end of the month - wonder how that is going to be? 
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#18
Aug 20, 2011, 12:48 PM
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The illness IS a big part of it, as they lose their libido.
Sometimes it's the medications, if they are on any.At least he is still there as a roommate. For some couples, it's like the depressed person isn't "there" or they don't acknowledge that YOU are there...
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#19
Dec 11, 2011, 07:09 PM
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When I read everyone's short descriptions of their struggles, the commonality I see is 15-20+years of marriage. I have been in mine now for only 5 years. 3 of which my husband has been disabled due to his bi-polar. I honestly do not want to be in this marriage for another 10 or more years if it is going to resemble the past 3. He's been hospitalized twice and on such a variety of medications, who knows who this man is anymore. I get frustrated because it almost seems as though his mental capacity has diminished, he can be so child like sometimes.
I have started flirting with an old friend and that scares me a little. I love my husband far to much to ever have an affair. But the thrill of the flirting is exciting. |
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#20
Feb 19, 2012, 08:24 AM
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OH MY GOODNESS!! I just joined yesterday & this thread is almost my story to a T.
DH is depressed & the last 2 weeks have been a nightmare. He is passive/aggressive, irritable - even makes the same king of snoty remarks about insignificant stuff. "Oh, maybe I shouldn't unload the dish washer - as I don't do it right!" I am exhausted as well. He was put on Wellbutrin this past week - to augment his Lexapro & is in therapy for the very first time. I am so glad to have found this group - as I have been struggeling. We were on a cruise with 46 friends when this all happened and I had to "fake" happiness - when each day I was walking on egg shells - not know what would happen next. Thanks!! |
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#21
May 15, 2012, 12:42 AM
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Quote:
Just wanted to say thank goodness I wandered across this forum. So many of the posts here hit the nail on the head and have lifted a weight off my shoulders. WE ARE NOT ALONE!! But back to the question at hand - Yes I think alot of us deal with the lack of intimacy with our depressed/bipolar spouses. I too feel like I have a roommat but not a husband. He's not into the relationship at all. Says he just feels numb - I can jump on top of him and he's looking over my shoulder for the remote. Most of the time I have to remind him to shower, brush his teeth, take trash out etc. So I've basically stopped trying. I know alot has to do with the meds but even with the cialis the dr gave us a sample of he barely wanted to do anything just wants me to do everything. Hello! I'm already taking care of most of the daily responsibilities so no I don't want to be the one to just jump on. Where's the fun it that?? Good luck at your therapy session I'm sure it will help to some extent!
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#22
Jun 13, 2012, 01:20 AM
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Wow....have been searching for this kind of caregiver support for a long time. I was raised by a mother who started having serious epression issues in her mid-thirties, so when I was engaged to my now-husband, I recognized all the symptoms. Looooong story short, after years of trying, I finally have him taking his Meds when he should and he's on his 5th? Therapist. He starts to go and then asks me to come "since you see it better and can explain what you see". Bottom line..."you can do it for me" That's the root of the problem
I carry all of the burdens in our marriage....I do all of the finances, am the primary parent, I keep him on track...overwhelming. He cycles like bipolar and every few years has a MAJOR depressive episode that goes on for months, regardless of my prodding..gentle moves to stronger until I think that I'm the one who's going to lose it. Now I'm scared because our 10 yr old daughter has been exhibiting very depressive/almost OCD tendencies. Also, my MIL, also having depression, has just moved in with us due to complications from surviving aneurysm rupture(God bless her!) I am a natural caregiver, but I'm at my wit's end with my husband...I am 38 and have had chronic spine pain for 10 years(having surgery on the 28th) and I'm just in way over my head.Wow! That was really long...so sorry. Hoping to find/offer support with other people in similar "places" in their life. |
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#23
Oct 11, 2012, 08:54 PM
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I was so glad to read all of y'alls posts. Nice to know I am not alone... The guilt alone stinks. when you say the wrong thing or the right thing at the wrong time and It is held against you. I love my spouse dearly and will do anything to see him happy and love himself...heck I would be thrilled at this point if he tolerated himself
. I tell him all the time I long for the day he loves himself as much as I love him.
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| layla11
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#24
Mar 02, 2013, 03:18 PM
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Hi Everyone,
I can relate to everything you are saying. My husband is a Bipolar 2 and is going through a phase of binge drinking and lying about buying drink. I think I hate the lies more than his drinking. I know he has an illness and as far as I am aware has been taking his meds. He had appts to seek help last week but cancelled them and since then has been drinking to excess every day. My M.E. has returned after 21yrs being free of it. I've been with my husband for 12 years married fr five but honestly feel as though I can't cope anymore. I thought he would help look after me and was really pleased when he took our puppy for a walk. Huh, only to find out he'd bought a bottle of vodka and downed it. he's just back up from our garage with our puppy and stinks of drink again???? He is such a compulsive liar and that is one of the things in ife I cannot stand. Feel as though my only option is to leave him. No-one knows of his condtion where we live but I don't think I can hide it anymore. It's eight o'clock in the evening and he's off to bed to sleep off his binge. I would rather be o my own than live a life like this. Typing this has helped, I started feeling really angry now I'm just sad and devastated. |
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#25
Jul 09, 2013, 09:59 PM
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I just joined PC and was pointed towards the caregiver support forum b/c my bf is struggling with depression and self medicates with alcohol. He is currently on a 72 hour mandatory hold at a mental hospital b/c he was suicidal over the weekend and I called the cops. He, of course, doesn't think he needs to be in the hospital but you don't act like he does and talk like he does and not need help!! It's so good to know that there are women that I can talk to about my struggles with trying to support my bf and trying to remember to take care of myself at the same time. It's so good to read your posts and understand exactly how you feel and know that I'm not the only one that gets angry with my loved one sometimes. I thought I was just an inconsiderate, horrible person b/c I was so fed up with how he was acting that I acted just like he was. I had had enough!! I have no idea if you ladies are still active or will even see this post but I hope you do and I hope we can get through this with the support of one another.
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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