[brightnhappy]

Hello Everyone,

I am new here and I'm so glad I found this forum. Today was one of the worst days of my life. I have been taking care of my elderly parents since I was in my mid-twenties. Actually, I've been taking care of them a lot longer but I did get to take a break for while and chose to move to California.

To make a long story short. My Dad is 78 and my Mom is 73. I have older siblings that are over twenty years older than I am. They have always been quite cold to me and as I've gotten older, I have learnt to stand up for myself but it tends to make things worse as I'm very protective of my parents.

It got to the point today where an older sibling, who has just finished nursing school, refused to take my Mom to her doctor appt if I came along. It's very important to her to be in control of all their doctor appts and she's made sure that I'm not included in anything except taking care of my parents and cleaning up her messes after she's made a mistake, which she makes many but never admits any wrong doing on her part ever.

What I don't understand is that I stood up to her today and said I was going to the doctors appt too and she basically threw a fit. She's in her 50's now and I just don't understand it. What I also don't understand is that my parents have let me work to exhaustion trying to keep their house and health together as best as I can while my older sibling sits in her house just up the street but they always let her have whatever she wants.

I have decided to leave today and I'm scared to death. The older sibling who is a nurse left my elderly mother in her bedroom this summer when she was violently ill and I had to threaten to call and ambulance if she didn't take her to the emergency room. I just don't understand how they will let her treat them like this as well as manipulate and intimidate them and yet defend her to me at the drop of a hat.

Is there something I'm not seeing about my family? I've been crying a lot lately because even though my parents will be nice to me one minute and then be completely different the next, when I leave them, I have no family. It will be like a death. I also know that when I leave, their lives will steadily decline and I don't know how to handle it because I know they will be calling me everyday and telling me how bad off they are.

I've been taking care of them so long and seeing them through the worst of times. I quit my job for them. I just can't get my head around it. I know they care for me but why can't they stand up to their older daughter? Why can't they tell her what a great job I do on a daily basis because I really do ( not to toot my own horn) do a great job keeping them out of the hospital.

Right now I have two choices. I could move into a house nearby but keep my distance as much as possible. That way, when I receive the dreaded phone calls, I can go over there and try and straighten things out.

OR

I could move kind of close to New Mexico where I'm much happier but will definitely be alone. It will be like starting a new life but it's also just as much scary to me as exciting.

I chose New Mexico also because it only takes around six to seven hours to drive to my parents incase they are left for dead and really need me.

I don't know. It's such a difficult situation and I know I'm not seeing things clearly mostly out of fear of no longer having a family even though they can be really weird and nasty sometimes. I honestly don't know how I can be related to them and spend so much time around them yet still remain so different. I don't know how to maniupulate or intimidate but I sure know how to stick around and take all of it so...........hey, maybe I'm not so different.

Anyway, sure would like some advise. Look forward to hearing from you guys.

It is a difficult situation.

Not sure why your parents let their daughter get away with most things, and their attitude towards you. Likewise, hard to know why your other siblings aren't helpful. There is no easy answer.

Would it help to have a meeting with all your siblings and telling them to share the caring for *their* parents as well?

As for your moving or not. I'm afraid only you can answer... You do need to take care of yourself. But from what you write you seem to be rather dedicated, and as you say "protective" of your parents... so would you be able to live relatively far without feeling guilty about it (knowing your siblings aren't going to be as caring)?

I am not suggesting you move or stay, as it is understandably quite hard for you to shoulder all the responsibility. And your siblings/parents should not expect you to do that.

However, you do need to consider all the options/implications and if you basically could live with whatever choice you make. And go on from there.

[brightnhappy]

Always,

Thanks for your reply. I did post a long response yesterday but it didn't turn up on the board. I've been very fortunate to have many people offering help and advice to me. I guess I never realized how many friends I have. I tend to feel alone because most of my good friends are in California.

Anyway, someone told me I need to make a last stand and even though I have made many stands in the past and they didn't work out, I think maybe communicating with my Mom might be better. I am going to write her a letter just to make sure they are aware of exactly what they are doing. I want to let her know that I am still here to help if they want me to be but things will have to change a bit. I can't have them continually turning against me at their convenience anymore. It's hurtful and confusing. I really need to know where I stand with them once and for all