[LovesEcho]

My husband of 17 years has depression, dysthemia and anxiety disorders as well as a recent diagnosis of ADD. I am so lonely in my marriage. He is emotionally and physically neglectful. Recently I see him doing this on purpose. He catches himself in normal situations going to touch me or put his arm around me etc....even at night in bed....and will recoil all of a sudden. Our sex life has never been good. (except during our honeymoon stage) He has no drive. I am beginning to think he represses it on purpose as a way of manipulation. He has serious issues with control. It has been discussed ad nauseum in therapy. My story is so long and complicated. But right now, I am desperate and have no one to talk to about this. I am humiliated at how he makes me feel. I just am so sad.

After reading this before I posted it sounds so pathetic. I just need to say it though. I feel like I am grieving and I can't make it stop.

[LMo]

It's not pathetic - and you have every right to grieve

I'm really sorry about this. He sounds very much like my ex-husband (who had no diagnosed mental health issues -- just the issues with control part).

My heart goes out to you

I understand control and manipulation. I have no good advice to tell you as I don't know what to do with this myself.

I'm sorry. I know it's hard.

[LovesEcho]

Thank you both for replying. Sometimes just having someone know what I am feeling and living is enough. Friends and family, while well meaning, just don't fully understand. It's hard to talk to people face to face about it.

i'm so sorry that you're being treated as you are. please keep talking to us and let us help you carry some of your burden, by listening and supporting you.

i have lived with a "controller" and it is pure hell.......xoxoxo pat

[Grocott3]

Hi there sweetheart
firstly never think anything is pathetic, it is how you are feeling and to you that is very real and something which is causing you some hastle at the moment
I hear what you are saying and from what you say you are feeling very unloved and uncared for at the moment.
We all need to feel loved and cared for and I admire you for speaking out and saying how you feel, that alone is a big step.
Let me ask you, if you could have one thing at this moment in time which you believe would help you to begin to feel a bit better what would it be?
You mention your story being long and complicated, well if you would like an ear, please email me or write back. Sometimes having someone to listen can make the world of difference
My email ad is Grocott3@aol.com
If you do email I promise you that I will email back asap
Just know in your heart you will get through this even if at the moment it seems impossible
Love Lynn xz

[Chris05161967]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
LovesEcho said:
My husband of 17 years has depression, dysthemia and anxiety disorders as well as a recent diagnosis of ADD. I am so lonely in my marriage. He is emotionally and physically neglectful. Recently I see him doing this on purpose. He catches himself in normal situations going to touch me or put his arm around me etc....even at night in bed....and will recoil all of a sudden. Our sex life has never been good. (except during our honeymoon stage) He has no drive. I am beginning to think he represses it on purpose as a way of manipulation. He has serious issues with control. It has been discussed ad nauseum in therapy. My story is so long and complicated. But right now, I am desperate and have no one to talk to about this. I am humiliated at how he makes me feel. I just am so sad.

After reading this before I posted it sounds so pathetic. I just need to say it though. I feel like I am grieving and I can't make it stop.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I know the feeling.

Instead of 'depression', my fiance was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder in 1999.

I feel neglected, too. We have been engaged for 4yrs. yet, instead of having a legal marriage, we have something like a cohabitation. The problem in her case is, she still needs to get divorced from her husband who she left in Aug.'02. I found out, the divorce forms confuse her so, we have to pay an attorney, just to make sure the forms are filled out correctly.

She is always concerned about her feelings, never mine.

[LMo]

Chris, LovesEcho -- I'm really sorry that both of you are dealing with this. It's not easy, but it really says admirable things about you both that you're willing to stick through it. Even though they aren't showing it at the moment, I'm sure that both of them appreciate the fact that you haven't abandoned and rejected them for a condition that feels out of their control (even if we don't see it that way).

I'm sure you've thought about what depression must be like for the person living it. I'm sure there are times when we've had a hard time shaking the blues -- and how do we feel during those times? Like poo, generally, and when you don't feel good about yourself, everything around you tends to be irritating and darn if you can find just one person who really UNDERSTANDS how you feel.

Think about that feeling magnified by 100,000x. How can they NOT be self-absorbed? Imagine being stuck in your own head day after day week after week? It must be absolutely awful. Heartbreaking.

I'm not excusing the effect of their behavior on us, but I try to keep in mind that no matter how miserable and lonely I might feel in my relationship with my husband when he's depressed, it's got to feel a bazillion times worse for him.

Of course, it's REALLY easy for me to say all this right now, because my husband's depression is kind of under control (emphasize 'kind of', because of course that could change any minute). When I first found PsychCentral, I'd probably slap someone upside their head if they sounded all perky and compassionate while I was frustrated, resentful and neglected. But one of the things that kept me grounded and commited during his worst episodes is my resolve to remain compassionate toward him. That and a lotta therapy and some anti-anxiety meds for myself

Hang in there

[LovesEcho]

I called his doctor today. He is going to be furious when he finds out. But I know he wont tell him on Friday that he has been angry and manic. He thinks he is doing beautifully.

I in the mean time am sick to my stomach over what he is going to do next. He is being so mean and full of contempt. I know deep down that this is just the depression talking, but it still stings.

Every time this happens I just want to throw my hands up and say "IM DONE". But I dont want to be done. I think if I had known it was going to be this bad years ago, I would have left him when I was younger. But now, its so complicated.

[Boopers]

LovesEcho,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through this years ago and it almost drove me mad.
I have had severe depression since I was 14 and when my husband started treating me the way your husband treats you, I couldn't take it. I wanted to end my life as I was struggling as it was.
He is BP and he was having a time of it and taking things out on me.
After about fifteen years of it, I was ready to call it quits. I don't know if it was because I was ready to leave him or what, but he started getting better and although, I still fight depression, we have actually had a good marriage since.
It is year 34 of marriage for us now and I hope the worst is past us.
The reason I am telling you all this, is to give you hope. There is hope that things will change. I am wishing this for you.
I know how being rejected can take every bit of self esteem you have. I hope he can change and you guys can start a new life together.
The most important thing is to take care of YOURSELF first!!
Wishing you all the best.
Please keep us posted as to how you are doing.
I care,
Linda

[LovesEcho]

Thank you Linda. I needed that tonite.