Ignoring someone and borderline personality disorder

Is this a typical trait? I know someone who seems to lose interest/get annoyed easily and disappear. They then come back as though nothing has happened. I always thought though that people who have BPD are scared of losing others and so wouldnt want to jeopardise a relationship by walking away even if it is only briefly?

That sounds like me. I get so overwhelmed with the stress of being with people, anyone, even people who I'm closest to that I just bolt. I have to be alone to calm down. And when I say "people who I'm closest to" that's really no-one. I'm not close with anyone, not even my sisters. I can't take the pressure. So, I can be with someone or a group for a certain period of time and then I run. Some folks know and understand and accept me. They will look around and say "Where is she? Oh, she had to go."

I have BPD and a severe social phobia and I'm very much an introvert. Perhaps this person you know is suffering from some of these things too.

Same x am
Social for a few hours
And retreat to be alone after a while
To recuperate xxx

Thank you very much for your replies, they are very helpful.
This woman seems to get angry/irritated and disappears for a while before returning back as though nothing has happened. Yet when they are around people, they are very full on and gushy.

Perhaps they're angry/irritated at themselves instead of others ... Frustrated, as well, because of their inability to socialize as easily as other people seem to be able to do?

Just a thought ...

We pretty much all can exhibit borderline personality traits at various times. Have you asked the woman about her behavior? Have you said something like "I wish you would stay around longer?" or been in a one-to-one relationship with her so you can observe her behavior better? Often a person can seem one way or another because of our own perception of them. It's kind of like don't think of:



but you have to because I mentioned it. Like deciding you are going to buy a red car and suddenly you see a whole lot more red cars than you used to :-)

Do you have an interest in this woman? I would get to know her better and talk with her more, etc.

I dont know though as she is very extroverted and has a lot of friends so I definitely wouldn't say she has trouble socialising.
I just find it weird that she goes to such extremes. Very gushy and loving one moment (To the point of being uncomfortably overfamilar with strangers) to the next day going back to being ignorant and doing a disappearing act.

That's pretty typical for me. Now I just stay away from people

I have an idea, it's a boundary issue for me, and others. It's challenging for me at best. Either too high a wall or any number of messy attachment/unattachment.

It takes some time for trust to build, and so does attachment with others for me.

Yes, I guess I find it odd that she puts all her trust and love into a person straight away and then next moment, all gone.

People form the ability to make healthy connections with others early on in life.

If that ability is compromised, such as children growing up in domestic violence and abuse, it makes the behaviors of the adult survivor seem very strange to those who haven't ever experienced long term trauma, captivity and abuse.

In actuality it's nothing more than the coping mechanisms that were learned in order for the child to survive the horrific environment they were growing up in.

Of course, these types of behaviors don't serve the adult survivor very well, and for those of us lucky enough to get treatment, the recovery process is long and arduous.

Also, many treatment providers are now referring to survivors of these kinds of traumas as having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder instead of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

Do you think it is possible she has this? She has never spoken much of her upbringing

It could be either, Jenni, I'm not sure, but the full on then totally off types of connections generally are indicative of one or the other ... Of course, it would take a professional to actually make the diagnosis.

I've lost a few good friendships along the way because of this and I didn't understand why I was like that, but now that I do, I work diligently to not present such erratic behavior, and explain to people I want to keep in my life (without going into too much detail) why I sometimes need to "hide".

Of course, it isn't lost to me what a complete befuddlement it is to those who aren't aware of it and what a revolving door/roller coaster ride it can be for them.

It might help them to get into treatment to explore it, if they'd like to ... I know the therapy I've been doing over the past 20 years has helped me tremendously.

But, then again, they may be totally unaware or not think anything is wrong with it and until they do, they'll probably be very resistant to even a suggestion that there may be something wrong.

Also, Jenni, as we all have our limits (in any relationship) as to what we can and can't tolerate, it is perfectly okay to set some boundaries and space with this person, up to and including totally letting the relationship go.

If she disappears once she is angry, it could even be a coping mechanism to relax herself and not destroy friendships by blowing up as someone who doesn't deserve it.

I know that I withdraw if I'm frustrated, stressed out, depressed, etc. I put in the effort to tell people that I'm not ignoring them.. that I just need time on my own.

Some people are understanding of that, and others don't care and just get upset if they don't see or hear from me for awhile. It can make things worse, but I've been working on handling that and deciding they aren't worth my time.... but it makes me feel like a failure.

If you want to be better friends with this person, you could always try asking them.

I have asked several times if I have upset them but they always say no.
I have had to back off as i was getting so hurt. One moment, it was all hugs and kindness and then the next, moody and dismissive or just disappears. I know from talking to her that she loves someone one moment then very quickly dislikes them. I worry she feels that way about me and i can't handle that as i do see her like family and it hurts to know the feeling isn't returned. People always say to me she doesnt care and treats me like crap but I do think there is an illness there and have thought that for a long time.. Your replies have certainly helped to understand what may be going on here...thank you.

You're welcome, Jenni ... I'm sorry you're having to experience this kind of pain from a relationship that means something to you ... It's especially sad when there may be an illness involved ... Those are the hardest ones to just let go of ... I always say to release it (the relationship) with love, and maybe somewhere on down life's road a healthier reconnect may be possible ... Look after your physical and emotional well-being and know that you aren't being bad or doing anything wrong if you have to disconnect.

,
Pfrog!

Thankyou so much. I think I have needed to hear that for years xx

Is it also common for people with borderline personality to CONSTANTLY promise to do something and then never do it? This woman says she has gifts to give me, films I can borrow, that she will come and talk to me but she never once bothers so I wonder why she says it at all. Surely she can see she is a flake and unreliable?

depends on the situation, if the situation warrants it and it's too much for me..i have to bolt...not meaning to offend, just happens that way.

i will leave, come back..leave come back..it just depends on the context of the situation really

This sounds exactly like my friend I wrote about in my thread on the 'Partners of People & Caregivers Support' forum. When I first met her she used to disappear or go out of contact for periods of time, too. Then pop up as if nothing had happened and be so totally engaging that I'd think she was totally into me again. Until she disappeared again.

Thing is, The closer we became, the less she'd disappear and the more she'd simply blow up in my face. I've known her many years now and I kind of miss that time when she managed her emotions! She once confessed to me that she only gets angry with people she loves. So on the one hand it's evidence that she likes me, but on the other, who wants to be liked by someone who expresses it through shouting and accusations?

The other thing she does is tell other people ghastly things about me behind my back. It seems she does this with all men, though. The problem is it took me years to realise it. When I met her she said she'd been in an abusive marriage and, of course, I felt for her. Then years later she was seeing some guy and began telling me how he was a bully and abusive and all kinds of things and I thought, wow, way to pick em.

Then a couple of years ago I discovered she was saying the same stuff about me! Not to my face, ever, and denied it when I asked. But after a while I began to realise it was true.

So when I say 'friend' it's difficult to say that really. But when you know someone is sick I think you have to make some allowances. Although it's a tough one. If I had my time again I would have steered clear, to be honest.

Yes your friend does sound similar to mine especially in the part about disappearing for ages and then being all in your face when they see you again.
It is really hard when you care for someone but they act in ways that are so hurtful and confusing and blow you off when you try talking to them about it.

This sounds a bit like me - I've been with my girlfriend over 3 years, but we've recently hit a very rough patch. I think that I might have BPD because the symptoms match very closely with my recent behavior.

I don't know quite how to explain it but it seems like she's making lots of excuses as to why we can't spend time together and when we do see each other, its usually only once or twice per week, for just a few hours. I find myself going from really intensely loving this girl, to being very anxious and paranoid that she's doing something behind my back and I find it hard to cope. I try to end our relationship and move on but after a couple of days of reminiscissing, I find the void in my life so overwhelming that I can't help but try again with things...

Yes, I mean, it is just something I have noticed in her and it is interesting to read all the comments. She certainly is a very complex person.