my depressed wife thinks I'm the enemy. Help!!

I guess I am suffering in silence. My wife suffers from depression and ever since getting pregnant almost two years ago, she stopped taking her Wellbutrin for the pregnancy and now still doesn't take it because she wants to breastfeed. So for two years my wife has been depressed and it's been hell for me. Sad thing is that she perceives it that it's been hell for her. She thinks that I'm a horrible husband, she remembers every little thing I've ever done or said and makes it out to be a huge case for how I am mean and abusive. (i am not). She is convinced I'm horrible and gets angry at me at the drop of a hat. She says that I'm the one with the problem but doesn't see that it's really her. She says I'm the depressed one and dosn't admit that her depression is causing her to feel such hatred towards me. She talks about divorce constantly, says she longs to be with her ex-husband and wishes she never got divorce (when she was medicated she told me that her ex was a horrible person, but now she wants him back?). I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. She tells me that I'm "more of a burden than anything else" and one night went into my closet, took out my shirt, and wiped up some pee on the toilet seat with it. Got back into bed and told me if I ever got pee on the seat again she would use my nice dress shirts to wipe it up. (all this seems normal to her). Why can't she see she's the abusive one? Why is it that she has everyone, all of her friends, even her therapist convinced that I'm the devil and that ohh poor her for having to put up with such a jerk like me. I feel like screaming "don't you get it?? Don't you see the truth??? I'm not the one that's abusive she is" But I'm left feeling alone, hated, a burden. I've asked her for things, to let me share my feelings about how I'm hurting, and she says "i don't care what you're feeling". All this seems so justified to her. I can't tell her anything that I'm upset about, or get mad, or have feelings because if i do, she will just jump on me and get mad. I'm beginning to doubt my own sanity. After two years of hearing about how I am a monster I am starting to wonder if it's true. Is there anyone out there who has gone through this with a depressed wife? Is there anyone out there who can relate to the anger, the blaming, the rage that she has towards me for even the smallest mistakes? Is this what depression is? I thought it was supposed to be crying in bed all the time, not mean angry hatred towards your spouse. Help me make sense of it all. Anyone??

Yikes, I'm so sorry hon!!! It sounds to me like your wife may well have another disorder in addition to depression. My heart goes out to you I can tell you that you aren't insane..... please get therapy for both yourself and your wife!

I send you my best and please keep posting.....

Take care,
Fuzzy

Kilroy, at this risk of upsetting my friends here, what you're describing sounds fairly typical according to my own experience and that of another support group I belong to, for spouses/significant others of people with depression.

There is obviously a lot more to your situation than you're able to describe in your first post, but I just want you to know that you're not alone - I can relate to everything you're saying (except peeing on the seat).

You might have more luck finding others to relate in the Caregiver's forum. Additionally, I'd like to recommend a book: "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed" but Anne Sheffield.

Are you also depressed, as your wife accuses? Well, maybe not, but then again I wouldn't be surprised -- and why wouldn't you be? It's incredibly stressful to live life as you are. Anne Sheffield describes the syndrome as "Depression Fallout", with five stages: Confusion, Self-Doubt, Demoralization, Anger, and Desire to Escape.

I've been in your shoes, but I've also seen the light at the end of the tunnel. My husband was severely depressed for several years (didn't/couldn't work, rarely left the house, perpetually angry/crying/sleeping). However, with the support of my friends here at PC, in my other support group, some resources like the book mentioned, and wonderful mental health providers, his depression is largely under control. We still have bad days, but he's definitely out of the rut.

What really helped me the most was getting on some anti-anxiety medication for myself. I only took it for a few months, but if I ever see him slipping back into depression, I'm heading straight for the pharmacy for my refill. I did all of the other things that the experts advise - exercise, socialize, meditate, seek support for myself, put my own oxygen mask on first, etc.... I did all of those things, but when there is a dark cloud hanging over your house day after day, those suggestions almost sound trite, as though coming from someone who doesn't have to live with it. That being said, though, once I got some medication for myself, doing those other things actually helped quite a bit -- it's just that I couldn't silence the noise enough to effectively participate in those relaxation techniques.

My heart goes out to you - I hope you get the support you need here. PM me anytime.

Hello, I know EXACTLY HoW YOU FEEL. my wife is the same way. We adopted a child at birth and he was taken away frin us one year kater. She has spiraled down hill from there. She was always depressed and after that it just got worse. I never really knew what was going on till after it was too late. Her actions now are focusd soley on herself and she does not care how it affects me (husband). Everything that I do is wrong. Before I can speak to her I have to mentally put on headgear and body armour. She always talks about wondering if we should be together. She is always looking for things worng in our relationship. I mean have I ever done anything right in our marriage? I remember simply asking her "what time is it?" and she blew up at me. The funny thing is she will never admit that what she did was wrong. Even to this day, she blames her reaction on that I was treating her bad so she reacted that way. I feel like I am trapped in a draons den. Is there something wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this. I did not sign uo for this. The more I sit and think about it, I wonder why dont I just say forget this and get the hell out of dodge!I do love her but I do not know how much longer I can take this. Somebody, anyone give me sone advise on what we can do to get through this together.

Hello, I think my wife is depressed and its frustrating me to the poin where I do not think I can take it anymore. There is nothing that I can do right. I can even just ask her a simple question and she is ready to argue. I caught her flirting with another man. She has told all of her friends and family things that make me look to be the badguy. Its much more but after today I just want to say F**k her and leave. All I did was ask her while she is attending college what are are planns on having children/ She yells I AM GOING TO SCHOOL REGARDLESS! Like I did something so terrible...I promise u that if I do not see change then I do not think that I can be humble anymore. Help me

Hi ,I would leave. It sounds very abusive and should follow your gut. To thyne own self be true and the truth shall set you free. I suffer from depression and have never treated my husband like that. If I did he would leave. So as from my own expierence as a depressed person. I dont think its depression as much as just plan being mean. Dont expect it to stop, and dont allow it anymore. Maybe she needs to be on her own for a while and get a dose of reality. My opinion only