*Really need practical advice re: depressed, adulterous, closed-off wife

I really need some practical advice, and I hope someone can give me some insight, because I'm fresh out of ideas and I feel like a worn-out, balding tire that's ready for a blowout. I cant continue like this. Here's what's going on:
<ul type="square">[*] My wife has been depressed for many years, and it’s been much worse since she had post-partum psychosis in 2001-2002 (hallucinations, delusions, self-harm, the works), which resulted in a one-month psychiatric hospitalization. The psychosis is gone, but her severe depression remains[*] Since November 2007 she’s almost completely cut herself off from our family, including our two kids. I do all the housework, cooking and parenting, plus I have a full time job. I have been as supportive as I can, trying not to pressure or push her, and trying to show her that I’m here for her and I'm always willing to help[*] She flatly refuses to talk to me about our situation. When I try, she gets furious with me and pulls further away[*] She told me she wanted a separation, and that she wanted to leave the kids and me and just be by herself. But I believe she doesn’t think she can make it on her own, so instead she wanders around the house like a ghost, avoiding the kids and me completely and hiding away in the computer room for nearly every waking hour[*] She’s chatting on the Internet 8-14 hours per day and sleeping the rest of the time. Online, she’s talking to people and telling half-truths about how I drove her into this situation. She’s having online affairs, declaring her love for her British Facebook-hookup guy and making plans to meet him. She goes to bed between 2 and 6 AM[*] She recently started seeing a therapist for the first time but she won’t take any antidepressant medication[*] Occasionally she’ll agree to do something with me like watch a rented movie, so I get my hopes up that we’ll actually spend some time together. But then she’ll delay and stall, and eventually decide to stay on the computer instead, and I feel like a sucker[*] On top of all of this, she’s not working and I don’t make enough to support all of us, so each month we slide further into debt.[*] I feel utterly used and alone, and I feel like a cuckold and a fool for allowing this to continue. Every day there's a lead weight in the pit of my stomach. This is killing me.[/list]I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this - I don't want to involve my parents and I don't have any close friends anymore - and I don’t know how to proceed. I need to have some hope, and something concrete to do. Some books say that to encourage someone who's depressed to seek treatment, you should not shield them from the effects of their depression. Is that advisable? How do I do that?

It's a catch-22. She's cheating on me and has no interest in being with me. What I feel like doing is password-protecting our computer to shut off her internet access and tell her that a condition for her living at home is to keep taking her meds. But I know that if I try to force the issue or take some control I'm sure she'll just burrow further down into her isolation and depression.

But I feel like I have to do something.

just hoping that she'll agree to go for some professional help,
and continue taking her medications
I'm not sure what to say about her use of the computer - is it more than a "habit"? Is she is any danger by this internet character (the Facebook guy)?
And for yourself - sounds like you have your hands full with the costs of things. Could you cut off the computer service (if it isn't available, then no body can spend hours on the computer), or agree to some limits about the length of time it is used by any one person? I'm not suggesting any attempts to control another person. What is reasonable?

She passed by "habit" on the highway a while ago and she's deep into obsession county. But is she in any danger from her Facebook fling? No, probably not.

She's not willing to discuss limiting her time on the computer. She even kicks our kids off the computer so she can go back on, and they barely use it. She simply isn't reasonable anymore. And if I cut off the internet service - which I don't want to do - she'll just see it as another attempt to control her.

I actually had a program on our computer that shut off the internet at midnight. I told her about it ahead of time, and that I thought it was important, if nothing else, that she get a decent night's rest. She was pretty angry, and eventually told me to remove it. And, to avoid a blowup, I did.

The thing is, it's not the use of the computerper sethat's bothers me - it's how she uses it to have an affair.

I've always been able to be fully, unconditionally supportive through her depression and psychosis before. I mean, she did stuff that waswayout there - digging up our dead pet cat from the back garden because she was convinced if she gave it a bath it would come back to life, for instance - but I loved her, and I took care of her.

But this... I can't stomach this. She says her feelings for me just turned off one day, like flipping a switch. And she's always been afraid I'd cheat on her, stemming from a violent, adulterous first marriage, so she was always afraid I'd cheat on her. I never did, but I struggled for years for her to convince her I was trustworthy. And now she's betrayed me.

That is all very awful.

I'm not sure what to tell you, but if she's not even in it for the kids anymore, I wonder how that's going to affect them.

It sounds like you're doing everything you can.

I don't like confrontation, either, but I would think that you both need some about now. She might have lost some respect for you if you never stand up to her.

I would guess that her online obsession is simply there to avoid dealing with the reality of her condition.

Maybe you should confront her about this and make it known that it is getting her nowhere. I would also suggest asking her how her presence around the house is affecting the kids.

Regarding money, I would confront her with that, too. It's an important matter that affects you all. Again, especially the kids.

Where does she think she'll go if she leaves? Do you think she can even hold a job?

I think you're absolutely right - her online life is her way of avoiding her real life.

In 2006 and 2007 she tried working. She blew through about a dozen different jobs, lasting anywhere from one day to several months. She couldn't handle it.

As for where she thinks she'll go... well, she's been making plans with the guy she's been having cybersex with. He lives in the UK, and apparently she's going to meet him in London in September. Either that, or he's moving to Canada (where we are) so they can be together. I don't know how she figures she'll make that happen, financially.

In case you're wondering, I know all of this because I installed a keylogger on our computer, which records all of her typing as well as her passwords. I don't feel nearly as bad about this as I once did, although there are some days I wish I didn't know what I know. I just wish she'd talk to me instead of to her online fling.

What's going on with her and the kids?

Not much. During the week she's always asleep in the morning when I get the kids up for school, make their breakfasts and bagged lunches and get them off to the bus. When they get home, she's usually in our computer room with the door closed. I prepare and make dinner for the family after I come home from work, and I get the kids to do their chores. The kids and I eat together, and sometimes my wife will join us, but often she'll either skip dinner altogether or take a plate downstairs to the computer room. She stays in there throughout the evening while the kids play or watch TV. Later, I give my youngest daughter a bath and get her ready for bed, and often the only time she'll see her mom is when I send her downstairs to give her mom a kiss goodnight. On weekends it's much the same - she's in the computer room with the door closed while I clean house and spend time with my kids.

I've tried to talk to her about this, and I get one of two responses: <ul type="square">[*]first, when I tell try to explain that the kids are wondering why she's changed so much and why she's on the computer all the time, she gets upset, says I'm exaggerating, and ends the conversation.[*]second, if I do manage to get through to her in some small way, she promises to make more of an effort with the kids, but nothing ever comes from it, and nothing changes.[/list]...Y'know something? As I type, I find myself trying very hard not to use angry, insulting or exaggerated language about her. And it's much more difficult than it should be.