[missy1619]

I’m hoping for some perspective on my situation, please. My boyfriend of 2 years, a 53 year old man, spiraled into depression in July after being laid off from his job. The layoff was “the straw that broke the camel’s back” so to speak, as there were deeper issues that he just hadn’t fully addressed yet. He was briefly hospitalized and then did a 3 week out-patient program. At that point he decided to move 900 miles away to live with his parents and near other family while continuing to seek treatment. I was of course devastated at the idea of him leaving because he was not been able to tell me when/if he’d be back. But I have come to a certain level of understanding about him wanting to be with family while healing. Prior to leaving he assured me that we’d talk, text, email, Skype, etc. and that he’d like me to come visit over the holidays. I love him, so I supported what he felt he needed to do even though it has been really hard on me. He’s currently in treatment… individual and group… on a weekly basis and is on the right track. He is also job hunting there. But he is now saying he doesn’t want me to visit. That he feels like his life is still too much of a mess, he’s still putting the pieces back together, and that he needs to have his feet more firmly on the ground. He is able to interact with all of his family, immediate and extended, but will not see me. I don’t understand. I have been his best friend and primary support system for over 2 years, have known more about his personal struggles than any of his family, and now I’m being physically shut out. Before leaving, he wanted to spend lots of time with me because it calmed him and made him feel better. And to make it worse, he now can’t/won’t even tell me when or if I will ever see him again. He tells me that I’m an important part of the rebuilding process, but he can’t give me anything more to go on or be more encouraging. So I stand by him while he heals just to be dumped once he doesn’t need my support anymore? I’m beyond hurt and angry. He tells me he loves me and misses me, likes staying in touch throughout the day via text, and likes hearing my voice every night before bed, but that’s it. Needless to say, I’ve lost my patience and understanding and now he is choosing to ignore me. Says that I need to accept the situation for what it is, along with its limitations, and refusing to do so will result in him ignoring me. I understand that he can’t snap his fingers and decide not to be depressed. I’ve been there. I realize that it can be a long process. But this level of selfishness? I don’t understand.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Missy1619. As common as it is for depressed individuals to withdraw from friends and even loved ones, I'm perplexed at your friend's behavior. Shame? Loss of identity or identity confusion? Something about his family?

Is depression the only problem?

[Altered Moment]

My situation is similar. Two years ago I lost two very good jobs in a row due to depression. I have had depression my whole life but this one was very bad and I was seriously suicidal. I qualified for unemployment but it didn't cover my bills. I am 50 and have lived 2500 miles from my family on my own since I was 19. In this situation I felt forced to reach out to them. They talked me into coming home and I did. The course of my treatment didn't really change as I have been in treatment forever. Being close to my family and having their support has been a god send. I don't know if I will ever go back to CA even though my 21 year old daughter lives there and I am still a member of my plumbing union and could still work there. I wasn't in a relationship and am not in one now so it's not the same but I feel staying where I am might be what is in my best interest mental health wise. I don't know what the future holds and it is very uncertain in my mind. It's scary. Depression is very debilitating and exhausting. I could not possibly handle a relationship right now even though like anyone I would like to be in one. It's a selfish disease because it consumes you. When I have a long period of doing good and want to date it comes back and dashes my hopes.

If you have been supportive and there for him I do not know my he would not want you to visit.

Here's my guess. The idea of maintaining a good relationship is overwhelming to him because it takes work and effort and energy. He is very confused about his future like I am. He may feel it is best for him to stay right where he is indefinitely.

If it wasn't for my family I would probably be dead or homeless. If I had been living with a girl for two years and it was a good relationship and things would have been ok financially I would have stayed. In my mind though it would be very unfair to that girl to have to deal with all my problems. I have lost relationships because of my depression and it hurt but I don't blame them. Often we don't feel worthy of relationships because of the burden we know it will cause that other person.

I hate to say this but if he doesn't want you to come visit then something is going on in his thinking that he isn't being totally honest about because I can't see how letting you visit would hurt a thing when it comes to his treatment. It would only help.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Alter]

Well, i have a past where lots of things happaned and lots of things changed, i had to leave school because of what was happening and i am currently unemployed.

I am single im not in a relationship, i don't deserve to be in one, no one deserves to be with someone like me lost and empty, currently im no future to anyone i know that and i also know that no one will accept the current me. To be able to have someone by my side i need to get back at my feet first.

Maybe your boyfriend feels the same, a burden to you, its hard being at the side of the person you love while thinking that you are worthless junk, that is very painful and even if you support him the most and love him the most he will still think that he is useless or not deserving at his current state, thats probably how he feels. He must be trying to get back at his feet first before being able to be at your side.

[missy1619]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I think you're onto something with the idea of it being too overwhelming and him being too unsure about the future. And that he feels like he's disappointing me or something. It doesn't matter how much I reassure him otherwise, he needs to do this his own way. Thankfully he got in touch with me briefly last night to simply apologize for being out of touch and to tell me he just needs some space. That the therapy, coping with everything, and job hunting is all he can emotionally handle right now. Said he can't be reassuring to me right now about anything until he feels more self-assured. Said he's better than when I last saw him in August but is just not where he feels he wants to be. So I guess I wait. Will he ever be there? Who knows. I guess time will tell.