[notamammal]

I will try to sum things up as quickly as possible. My wife was diagnosed with depression and bipolar approx 13 years ago in college. We have now been married nearly 10 years, own a small business together and have a 3 y/o daughter.

We have always been madly in love and still are despite fairly severe arguments on a pretty regular basis. 100% of our arguments start as something I did wrong (forgot something, screwed up a task) and then grow because of how she handles the situation. I have always tried to get her to not use fowl language towards me with no success. She says it's her release and if she didn't use the language things would be worse. I was able to accept it but she now has a hard time holding back around our daughter.

I get angry with my daughter too (she's an astoundingly stubborn person) and sometimes I yell which I regret. My wife sometimes says things that she must just be mortified by in hindsight later. Last night she screamed "*****" at our daughter because she wouldn't listen. It's not the first time she has said it but it's the first time she said so our daughter could hear it. My wife has also hit me a couple times recently; that has never happened before.

Today, while she is home alone and I am at work, she is telling me that she's having a terrible day and all she can think about is dying. She has had regular thoughts of suicide her whole adult life. I have done all I know to address this. I've responded gently, I've suggested going to the Dr. with her, I've reminded her how often she mentions suicide. She always acknowledges the fact that she's in a dangerous situation and then doesn't take any action.

She's been on fairly regular medication to some degree since she was diagnosed. She stopped when she was pregnant and then went back on again after she finished breast feeding. She is currently on a dose that a Dr. once described to her as a "baby dose". I don't know what it is or how much. We have discussed the fact that her medicine isn't working and she passively agrees without wanting to move forward.

I've been told that you can't force someone to get help. And I also know from experience that you can't push too hard. If she doesn't do anything with my gentle suggestions then what choice does that leave me? She was raised by a woman with the exact same issues that went completely untreated and it was a miserable childhood. I will not allow my daughter to share that experience in any way.

I don't know what to do.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

As someone who's been thru the depression wringer for most of my life and on and off almost every med under the sun... I can relate to both of your stuggles.
Here are my personal thoughts hopefully you find them helpful and constructive....
1. For most people meds alone are not going to solve much. If they work even in the slightest, then hopefully are a boost to be able to learn better coping mechanisms and behaviors. This is done thru therapy and extensive self reflection. Like you said someone must be willing to get help for this to process to begin. also she needs to be able to see how her behaviors and thoughts may be skewed. This is difficult and very humbling for anyone to acknowledge and face their inner demons. It can't be forced or rushed it has to come on its own. And for many of us it is a life long struggle. Hopefully your wife is able to start getting help soon
2. See if your insurance covers or pays for at least part of a genome test. I just finally was able to have one done this yr. And the results were both disappointing and enlightening. After a lifetime of not understanding why the meds never helped or just made me feel worse...I found out that on a genetic level lack essential enzymes to process over 90% of all psych meds. And that anti depressants inhibit this metabolization therefore making it completely impossible for anything to help! . My point is I wish this was known yrs ago...it may have changed my life for the better rather then for the worse.
Hope this helps. I would like to address you and your daughter a bit more but I have to stop writing now. But please protect yourself and your little one as much as you can.

[Skeezyks]

Hello notamammel: I don't know as I have any particularly useful suggestions for you here. I once said to a therapist: "I know what my options are. I just don't like any of them." I suspect you know what your options are. You just don't like any of them either. "Lost_in_the_woods" offered some solid suggestions for your wife. But, of course, if your wife won't do what she needs to do to help herself, then what options do you have? At some point, you simply have to make up your mind. Perhaps spending some time with a counselor or therapist yourself would be helpful in terms of reaching some decisions regarding the best course of action here.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Sometimes psychotic]

I'm bipolar.....antipsychotics work for me to calm a lot of my irritation....honestly bipolar is not an excuse....if you allow her to treat you poorly she will....you need to draw the line with treatment of your daughter ....i.e. I understand you are extremely frustrated but swearing isn't an option....it doesn't help that you yell also. Have you considered therapy for yourself it might help you deal with this complex situation....

[Victoria'smom]

I'm all for therapy if meds aren't working properly. When is her next appointment? See if you can go with her. Does she realize she's irritable?

[Shazerac]

Have you tried calling her doctor and expressing your concerns? Is she seeing a therapist? I'm sorry you are going through this. Your wife may have a mental illness that does not make it ok for her curse and verbally abuse you and your daughter. It might help to get some professional advice yourself on how to handle this situation, because it can not continue without traumatizing you and you your child.

[notamammal]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry I am not very good at keeping track of forums. I've honestly been avoiding reading all these very helpful comments because things haven't been so bad lately and I've been trying to enjoy it.

She hit me again last night. This was in response to a "judging look" that I gave her after my daughter had been a terror all night and my wife said "she understands Casey Anthony now". I was mortified by the statement and I'm guessing my face showed it. Today she is not apologetic for either the comment or hitting me. She has to pick my daughter up from school in an hour and I won't be home until over an hour after that. For the first time I am worried about their safety.

To answer some questions: No, she doesn't currently see a therapist. Again, this is something that comes up but never happens.

Someone suggested I call her Dr. but this is only a general practice Dr and I don't know if that would help.

As far as the suggestions to see a therapist of my own- I am facing a double edged sword. By far the most difficult moments for my wife are when she is alone with my daughter. If I were to see a therapist on a regular basis, that would only increase the number of those moments. I feel very stuck on that issue.

She is not coming around to these things on her own. What am I supposed to do? Take my daughter and leave until she does? I don't think that it's bad enough for that. But I do know that it will make the situation unrepairable. I don't know how to protect us without telling her that she HAS to do something whether its therapy or medication.

[Victoria'smom]

I would schedule her a psychiatrist appointment and a therapist appointment at a local mental health center. Schedule a therapist appointment for you and invite her to go. Can you get after school care for your daughter so she's not home alone with your wife? If you leave you'll have to prove she's an unfit or she'll get 50/50 custody.

[ReptileInYourHead]

Yeah, leaving has its downside, your wife and child would be alone much more often, and the hurt that she would feel from the breakup could worsen her behaviour.
Or it might not.
I think only you can figure out these scenarios to any degree of accuracy.
What should I do? Is not an answerable question for us.
Other than being honest to her about your feelings and fears I have no useful advice.
Hopefully someone who has gone through this scenario will post something more useful.

[Mygrandjourney]

Originally Posted by notamammal

Thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry I am not very good at keeping track of forums. I've honestly been avoiding reading all these very helpful comments because things haven't been so bad lately and I've been trying to enjoy it.

She hit me again last night. This was in response to a "judging look" that I gave her after my daughter had been a terror all night and my wife said "she understands Casey Anthony now". I was mortified by the statement and I'm guessing my face showed it. Today she is not apologetic for either the comment or hitting me. She has to pick my daughter up from school in an hour and I won't be home until over an hour after that. For the first time I am worried about their safety.

To answer some questions: No, she doesn't currently see a therapist. Again, this is something that comes up but never happens.

Someone suggested I call her Dr. but this is only a general practice Dr and I don't know if that would help.

As far as the suggestions to see a therapist of my own- I am facing a double edged sword. By far the most difficult moments for my wife are when she is alone with my daughter. If I were to see a therapist on a regular basis, that would only increase the number of those moments. I feel very stuck on that issue.

She is not coming around to these things on her own. What am I supposed to do? Take my daughter and leave until she does? I don't think that it's bad enough for that. But I do know that it will make the situation unrepairable. I don't know how to protect us without telling her that she HAS to do something whether its therapy or medication.

My concerns are that she hit you, made a veiled threat against your daughter and that she refuses treatment that would likely benefit all of you. You could leave, surreptitiously, with your daughter and make returning conditional on her getting the help she needs. The only other alternative that I'm aware of is to call CPS and explain to them the situation. They may not act on it, but they may. Minimally, it creates a paper trail. IMHO, your daughter's safety and well being trumps everything.