[picasso]

I dont know where to start, so I'll just start.

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, and have been married for 6 years next month (sept 22nd is our anniversary).

In the past he has been mentally and physically abusive towards me, and I did what I could to forgive him when he promised me he would never do it again...a promise which he always broke. The last time (the third time) he shoved me down on our bed and choked me....and had a look of hatred in his eyes that still haunts me.

I suffered from panic/anxiety attacks when he became angry, because his anger was always so explosive...it seemed to come out of nowhere and I found myself being scared of when he would wake up in the morning because I didn't know what he would be like that day.

He threatened to divorce me, leave, etc multiple times..but never did...and then blamed it all on me and told me it was all my fault.

He would seem to "snap out of it" a few days later, and tell me he did not remember what happened...then it would be a few days or so and he would snap again..yelling and screaming, etc.

Recently, he said he saw a doctor who diagnosed him with bipolar disorder, after I told him I was leaving for good and that I wanted a divorce. He's been taking his medications (lithium and another medicine that begins with an "L" that is for depression). He says that he feels like his old self again....like he woke of from a coma after years of not knowing who he was.

I can honestly say that since he's been taking his medications (about 2 weeks now) that he certainly SEEMS different. He has since admitted to his own parents what he did, and has been crying constantly over things he said that he did not remember, but that he can now recall since he is on the medication. He appologizes all the time and says "I swear to you, it was not the REAL me that did those things...it was someone else in my head" and things like that.

He now says that he does not think he has bipolar disorder, and thinks it is something else. He has scheduled an appointment with a medical psychologist to be evaluated.

I just can't beleive that he does not remember what he did to me...it seems a little "convienient" to blame "someone else" for what he did, even though he seems to be taking responsibility for it.

The problem is: It may or may not have been the "real" him that did those things, but it certainly WAS the real ME that had to live through them. I just cannot stay his wife anymore, and I just don't love him the way I used to after that. The only time I can feel truly normal is when I'm not with him.

He keeps asking me why I don't understand that he couldn't help it, and why I cannot love him for who he really is...but I just honestly cannot see a future with him.

When I told him I didn't love him anymore, I saw the look in his eyes.....it completely crushed him and he cried for 3 days straight...begging me to stay and see that he is the man I married again. He hasn't eaten anything in close to 5 days now because he said that he's nauseated at the memories of what he did and the feeling like his life is over because I'm leaving him. I honestly DO feel horrible for hurting him this badly, but what can I do about not loving him anymore? I just can't find it in my heart to feel the same way about a man that abused me, even though I have forgiven him since I now know he has a mental disorder that he most certainly did not ask to have.

I'm completely lost on what I should do....but no matter how hard I try, I cannot forget that look of utter and complete hate and rage on his face....and I really don't think I can ever love him again.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((picasso)))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry for all the things you have been going through.

It's a difficult situation for sure. If you don't already have one, have you considered seeing a therapist of some kind to help you through this?

I understand and have experienced some of what you are saying. I know it's such a hard situation. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

[picasso]

my husband keeps telling me that all he has left is the hope that we will stay together, but I just do NOT see us staying married.

This past weekend, his parents tried in intervene, and actually made things much, MUCH worse for him. I found out by talking to them that they had spent the entire weekend telling him how horrible of a person he must be to do things like that even though he has a disease....he's in school in the medical field and only has a few weeks left before he graduates...and they called his school and told them everything about what has been going on....and the director of the school told him that he could either withdraw or be thrown out of the program.

I honestly feel so bad for him...his family turned their backs on him when he came to them for help...but I STILL cannot see myself staying with him.

I just dont know what to do.

[InACorner]

if you cannot see yourself with him...then leave....if it is just feeling sorry for him that is keeping you there then thats just going to be worse off...you are giving him signals through that that it might work...you need to sit down with him...stress that he is not a bad person...however due to the past events you need to leave for the sake of your sanity as well as his....tell him that if you stay together you will be continually in doubt and in fear and that is NOT how you imagined sharing your life with him forever....set yourself up in a place somewhere else....and if you still cannot make up your mind just suggest a temporary separation....just to be by yourself...collect your thoughts and go to a therapist to deal with the past....a leave and just go on dates with him once in awhile until you reestablish a connection ...however if you want to leave leave..which no one would blame you at all....then just be firm with him...as hard as it will be ....but you need to do what is best for you otherwise you both will be unhappy and stuck in a place where you dont want to be...what his parents do is their business....you cannot be the one to blame for their ignorance and mistakes....good luck ...

[Pita]

I agree with Inacorner - leave - go somewhere safe. Even if you think you want to give him a chance with his therapy and medications - leave until you can be absolutely sure you are safe with him - it does not sound to me like you think you wil ever feel safe with him again. His abusive behavior is dangerous behavior for you - choking someone is NO accident and NO joke. He could have easily killed you. Talk a therapist - your own. Please, please take steps to protect yourself.

[picasso]

update:

For the past few days, he has been pressuring me to stay married because he says he is his old self while on the medication.

He has gone to see a psychiatrist, who prescribed him 2 NEW medications to go with the first 2. I have told him that our marriage is over, and that it has ZERO hope for reconciliation. On the phone, he seemed rational (for once) and said that he understands, and is deeply sorry for what he did to me, and that he is trying to get help. He also thanked me for being brave because he said that without that, he never would have even realized he had an actual mental disorder.

He was diagnosed a bipolar with neurotic behavior due to a chemical imbalance.

He called me today and said that the psychologist told him to make sure and let me know that A) he still cares about me deeply and B)that he very much wants to remain friends for both our sakes, and the sake of our son. I believe him because I know the TRUE him.

The problem is, the sound of his voice the past few months is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I have agreed to our previous arrangement where he will live in one room of our house while he completes school (he has 3 more months until he gets his degree) and gets on his feet on his own. I WANT him to be a sucess in life, and I want him to have a decent chance at healing and having a normal life once this is over.

He has said that he feels the only honorable thing to do would be to finish his degree, then turn around and help ME, but I honestly just want to be rid of him once this is done.

I do NOT want our divorce to become nasty or anything like that, and for the sake of our kid, i want to get along....but I get all anxious and "twitchy" at just the thought of him coming back home to live until he's done with school.

He told me that they psychologist told him that while he needs to accept the blame for his part to play (and he has been, honestly), he also needs to realize that I do not have the last word on our home or our posessions yet, and that until the divorce is final, he should also be allowed to live in a manner that allows him to keep his dignity.

He says he still finds me attractive and sexy, which makes me feel odd considering, but I know him WAY better than to be afraid that he will try anything. He *IS* a great father to our son, and he really, truly IS a decent person underneath his problem.

I just don't want to treat someone that has a legitimate mental disorder/chemical imbalance like a leper.

When he called he said he had to get something off his chest in order to let him heal, and told me that throughout our marriage, whenever he came to me with problems stemming from his childhood abuse (at the hands of his father, he recieved many, many brutal beatings), I made him feel as though I did not care, which made him feel neglected and "defective"...so he always secretly felt that he had something to prove or that he was unworthy of me because he felt "broken"....which caused an exacerbation of his problem with (as the therapist put it) self-mental abuse. He said he remembers the little voice in his head telling him to be careful not to hurt me when he was choking me because what he REALLY wanted was for me to try and defend myself with my pistol so I would shoot him....saying that he could think of no worse self-torture than watching the woman he desperately loves put a bullet in his head.

That statement I believe because he has demonstrated many, many times self-hate directed at his shortcomings.

Had this last incident not happened, and he has gotten help sooner, we would still be married, and I would still love him. I cannot help but feel regret that things did not happen differently or that we did not find out about his disorder sooner...but it still doesnt change the fact that I do not love him anymore and I do not want to be his wife anymore.

[AlteredState01]

You know? The one thing that I accept about my illness AND my personality, is this:

In spite of what I may do, I MUST incur the responsibility for my actions - no matter what! For how will I ever change?

Letting your husband's behaviours slide just because he is ill, only reinforces his illness-related behaviours and gives him permission to continue down that path of destruction, taking you and your child with him.

Let's look at PC as an example. When certain individuals get too out of control on-line, they are admonished for their behaviour(s), and if it continues, they are banned.

Can you imagine the havoc that would be PC if DocJohn did not have these standards?

In illness and in sanity, discipline teaches us to conform to the society in which we live.

We don't let mentally ill people just walk free because they were not in their "right mind" when they committed a crime, do we? So why should your husband get away with his abusive behaviour JUST BECAUSE HE IS ILL?

Quite frankly, it sounds as if he is just trying to convince you to keep him around. He knows what he did was wrong, otherwise he would not be grovelling to such an extent as he is. That is so classic of an abuser's M.O.

What makes this worse, is that you have a kid!!!! You are exposing your child over and over to something that will scar them for the rest of their precious life! And since you are accutely aware of the potential danger to both you and your child if you remained or returned to the same circumstances, I would consider you almost entirely responsible for anything that happens to you or your child from this point on. (sorry to be so harsh, but that is how strongly I feel about this subject!)

You don't love him, so leave. Do not stay because you feel guilty. Leave because you love your child, and hopefully, you love yourself enough as well.

I don't know how you can say he has been a good father - for look at what he is teaching your child! Look at what he has put you through. He was abused (which is sad); he is in turn, abusing you physically and emotionally (AND your child through emotional and mental abuse). Your child will begin to see this as normal and acceptable behaviour, and will continue this "family tradition," like celebrating a birthday is.

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He has said that he feels the only honorable thing to do would be to finish his degree, then turn around and help ME

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THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE LAMEST EXCUSE I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!!!!!

The only way that statement can make sense, is as if he meant that he must help himself (including getting and holding a job), before he can fix things between the two of you. But that's not how I read it. It is not the degree that matters, it is how he changes his behaviours. In which context do you think he meant it?

I would also make sure visits with your child were supervised by someone other than yourself. His views and behaviours, if not controlled, can still infect your child's mind.

Anyway, it sounds as though you have already made up your mind. If you are looking for reassurance that you are doing the right thing by leaving, then:

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!

[Rhapsody]

((( HUGS ))) -

I am sorry for the hellish night-mare you are having to go thru due to the mental illness of a loved one...... please know that no one would fault you if you decide to leave for your own safety and peace of mind. You must take care of your self first while still supporting your husband in his decision to get help, but you are not required to remain in this situation physically - you can extend your support emotionally.