Please talk this out with me, I feel like I'm going to implode...

Like a lot of you, I'm feeling so many emotions. I'm angry @ my parents for not taking better preventative care of themselves and always having this "do whatever" attitude. I'm guilty b/c I'm angry. I'm hopeless b/c I'm guilty. I'm worthless b/c I'm hopeless. I'm motivated from my worthlessness but then defeated and frustrated when I come full circle back to their illnesses.

To make it all more complicated, these people were (and recently have been) very abusive to me. I mean SEVERE physical and SEVERE emotional/psychological abuse. The sibling was involved and there is a contentious relationship there as well. (My mother would make sibling hold me down while mother would torture me.)

So, parents are dying but not quickly. They live in absolute squalor. Rotting floors, etc. and they both haven't wanted and couldn't complete the maintaining treatments on their home. They do not have any money, live disability check to disability check. They do not own a car and live in the country FAR from public transportation. They are truly physically disabled but there is a strong history of psychiatric problems as well (Severe mental illness and addiction).

I left my job and have been caring for them and their home over the last few months. It has been so emotionally damaging BUT, weirdly, I have no regrets. If they do pass, I don't want to be left with any guilt. It is to a point where I have to make a decision. I must either return home (several hundred miles away) or move closer to here... or here.

I HAVE NO RATIONAL MIND LEFT TO MAKE THIS DECISION. PLEASE HELP ME.

I honestly can't do this and I don't have anyone to talk it through right now. Here are factors to consider.

Several hundred miles away, I have: friends, great local scene for under-30 crowd, a beautiful home w/super cool things, no one who knows my family, a sense of the town being my own since my family has never been there, class @ least 1 day/week until December REQUIRED to get my license in my field, much more job opportunity, much more housing opportunity

Here, I have: my sibling's child (who I adore), no friends, no local scene for younger crowds and what does exist includes the people from high school and I can't face that knowing what I went through back then, very limited job opportunities, very limited housing opportunities, would STILL have to drive about 1000 miles WEEKLY to make sure I completed my licensure requirements, an obligation to help the family frequently

I've considered moving every distance between here and there and can't settle on a safe one. I just think I am too broken in this moment to make this heavy of a decision. I really am begging for your support right now. I love these people more than anything on earth and I want to help them and be with them in their last days... but I've already sacrificed nearly 30 years of my life in order to serve as their kicking post and I can not imagine giving up on my dreams (further education, building my own relationship, I won't meet anyone here, etc, etc) for them to just continue to be... well, be themselves... I've given up so much already. Thousands of dollars, if not hundreds of thousands, plus the emotional sacrifices.

Ok, thanks. This is not intended to be a slap in the face to those who are making larger sacrifices than I am... I know you guys exist and I admire you. I know I must seem like the biggest whiner in the world compared to each of you and I accept that... but I still request your help and support. Maybe you have some wisdom that can give me perspective.

Oh, and about additional resources, there are literally fewer than 8 other living members of this family still around and they all live a few hundred miles away (closer than me, but their brothers/sister are NOT going to help, they have been used by their family countless times, they get walked all over and then took it out on us, that's how they roll)... Also, social services/private care not an option b/c they refuse to accept it. They are stereotypical grumpy proudarse fools. Grrr. The entire responsibility for transporting them to/from doctors/hospitals will be on my younger sibling if I leave... and that just makes that sibling more angry/abusive/bitter. We had been doing it that they would help with physical stuff (transport, etc) and I would help financially...

Thank you. If only for letting me type this out... thank you.

can you not call in hospice to help out some? there does come a time in our lives we have to make decisions for our parents. thankfully right now I don't have to do that with my dad. may I ask what is wrong with them? I mean their diagnosis? I am sorry you are going thru this. (((hugs)))

Make lists of pros and cons for each possible situation.
Ask yourself about what you hope for in your own life in about 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 years from now.
Do they realize that you are helping them?
You're feeling angry.
Why are you feeling guilty?
What'll happen to them if you don't stay with them?
What'll happen to you if you do stay with them?
What is practical?

Wow Single Girl, I had to read your post several times because I am really trying to figure out a few things about you. How did you turn out to have such a kind and giving heart being raised in the situation you did? I am a little worried about your sense of obligation, I don't want you to suffer any longer because you feel obliged to help. I know many cities offer rides for people in your parents position. The money you have spent is gone but future monies would possibly be better spent on outside care. Saving your sanity would be worth millions. And you would not have to feel guilty about not helping your sibling or your parents. My mom lives about 260 miles away and my sister is stuck with a lot of responsibility. My mom was really something when I was growing up and she still drives me over the deep end! I try to do what I can and I try to go see my family every couple months. Luckily for my sister my mom is in an assisted living. But I have not let guilt make me move closer to where they are. I can not. I can not do that to myself, I grew up with it. And it does not sound like the level of abuse you suffered. So without saying any more I will let you think about it. I hope this has not made you feel bad, that was not my intention. But I really say straight out, in case you did not get the just of what Ive said. Think of yourself and your life and your mental state! Good Luck to you SingleGirl, I will be thinking good thoughts for you

The fact is your parents are going to die, no matter how much you do for them. They're on that slippery downhill slope (we're all on but some have been slipping longer or faster than others, etc.). If you feel guilty now for your mixed feelings about the present and past, you're going to feel guilty later also, no matter how much you do for them.

You have to do what you have to do for yourself. However, thinking it will help you feel better to go through this ordeal of moving near/in with them; you have to get your head straight about the truth of that, whether it will make you feel better or not and only you can know that.

Personally, I'd go where I felt the best and where my own life was the best since that's the only life you get to live and I'd have therapy to help deal with the (I feel incorrect) guilt feelings about your anger and other issues from your past. I'd get a good job and maybe see if I couldn't send a little money to help with their support in some way, maybe visit once a month/regularly when I could, something less extreme than substituting my life for theirs when they didn't do anything like that for me.

Maybe read Jeannette Walls, The Glass Castle; she had a childhood a bit similar to yours it sounds like and parents that couldn't take care of themselves, etc. The library will have it.

The Glass Castle is a wonderful book, excellent recommendation.

My vote would be for you take really good care of yourself. If I were in your situation I think I'd have to save my sanity and get away from my parents. I myself have had to do that - I had to get clear of them and focus on my own life to get healthy.

Woah, I have read this over and over again and I am sorry you are going through this.
You do not have to feel ANY guilt. After they treated you, you aren't obligated to do ANYTHING, so please if it gets too hard - walk away.
Can you apply for a home carer or a nurse for them? Then the duty is off your shoulders? Best wishes you strong soul!!

They say misery loves company. Well all I can say is I CAN"T BELIEVE SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING THROUGH THIS TOO!
God, girl......I soooo sympathize. For my husband and me it is my MIL, but hubby refuses to deal with her. So guess who has to make all the decisions? Today, after talking with police, Psychiatrists, lawyers, Adult Protective Services,
I have realized that nothing I can do will solve the problems. They are too long standing and too much abuse and torture(yes, true torture) has happened in the past for anyone to "fix" it. She needs to die to end the pain of the family. Sound cold hearted? Nope. Just realistic. Protect yourself first and draw your boundries. You are not the only person on the planet to care for them; you are just the only on who has stepped up to the plate. Back off, and someone else will take over. No guilt about it. The ones who should feel guilty are the parents; but that will never happen. Shame on you for giving up a wonderful life that is just beginning so you can take more abuse from them. Yes, they are still doing it; only now it is through your own guilt. My goodness, what they must have done to you to get you to care for a dog that bit over and over again. Poor doggy! Can't just let it starve. What about poor YOU? As I say this I am affirming it for myself. I slip back into guilt, too. But I draw the line at destroying my life and good things for them. Let someone else take over; give $$ if you must, but keep your distance.
Good Luck