[sorrel]

It would be my first impulse to write humourously about this, to make a joke of it..

But rather sensitive feelings have been evoked in me---the different facets of recognition.

I was talking with my manager today about doctors, the NHS etc. And she asked me how I was doing, and a little while later asked me if my GP had told me what *it was*. I said something about it being anti depressants I'm taking, having depression etc.
And then she says, "what is it she's told you you've got, like is it Borderline, or something....?"

Now, her tone of voice was kind of laid back and relaxed, just like we were talking about the weather. And I'm sitting there in frozen shock...I have never even mentioned BPD at work. Only depression. Unless she's been sneaking into the internet history--no, I don't go on to here at work...at all the info sites I've been browsing when its quiet...

What I said was, I don't know. Because its true. My GP has NOT given me a diagnosis. True, she identifies I'm depressed, but that's as far as it goes.

Yet I think, how much does she KNOW, my manager? How much has she SEEN about me? What does she think of me REALLY? Is she PSYCHIC? (actually, she is a little bit that way inclined).

My manager is very supportive, compassionate, non judgemental. She cares.
So, I feel grateful that I feel recognised and seen.
At some level. Because from what I said I haven't told her I'm Borderline. I'm not, not officially. But she may have gathered from my response--maybe I went white---I do that, I don't go red...it was like "She's rumbled me."
But no, she cares. Even though I would prefer her to conceptualise my suffering in a more individualised way,- as in Attachment Disorder, or Anxiety or even Depression, I feel some little bridge has been formed.

It feels raw and vulnerable. In therapy we are working with my longing to be recognised and understood.

My experience today at work was----just a different level of this...I feel....?????

And I'm feeling alone tonight.....And my internet connection is SOOOOO slow *thinking about phone bill...and so frustrated...reminds me of how it has often been difficult in my life to get my meaning through to people..and how relieved and surprised and almost shocked I am when people Do, like my therapist, understand....

Have to vacuum the flat..will do a room inbetween each room methinks.... (while I wait for pages to come up...)

sorrel

[Overcastbutclearing]

Hey Sorrel,
Maybe ask your manager what she means by "borderline" and why she would think that?
Perhaps she has it, perhaps it was justa fluke .
Best to ask...that will take care of a lot of wondering!
Let me know, please.

[goofygirl]

I'd say I agree with sj. Maybe she has it, too, or is close to someone with it? Stranger things have been known to happen!

I agree totally on the slow internet connections... at least you gave me an idea to be productive instead of cursing at the screen!

[sorrel]

thanks goofygirl and sj....(((((gratefulhugs)))))
though it scares me to ask her, I hope to try. I see her again on Tuesday. I see my therapist inbetween. So I can discuss it with her first.

Its good to feel a bit more recognised by my manager...but it also feels vulnerable because I am exploring such deep and early issues and feelings right now (pre-birth and newborn) that I just need to focus on me and who I am as an individual, with my history.

I've had a lot of scrambled brain think over *labels*, I don't have a formal diagnosis, don't see a psychiatrist, just my GP, and my therapist who I see privately.
Depression, that's clear. So far so true.

My therapist isn't into labels...

And whilst I can be seen as Borderline in the classical analytic way.....I don't have a huge issue with impulsivity, don't have relationships rather than unstable ones, and I have stopped physically self harming---I only did it mildly in the first place.

I DO have issues with Abandonment/Separation Anxiety, Emptiness, Loneliness, Depression, Unbearable Rage, Dissociation, Unstable sense of self, Splitting/Projection...all of which I am working with.

*humph*
I don't want or need a diagnosis (least of all by my manager) I want and need to be seen and recognised for who I am as a human being.

I sound angry...hmm.....no offence to those with diagnoses....
And if the framework of something helps my manager to know how to be with me, then great....perhaps that's how I need to approach her with it, rather than ask outright about Borderline....
say something like "After our conversation on Saturday I thought that maybe you were wondering how best to be with me, that knowing what the matter is with me might help you? I don't have a diagnosis as such apart from depression, and there are lots of diagnoses that can easily apply to me in part.
I'm willing to give you an idea of what my major challenges are, and to tell you how they affect me at work and what I am doing to manage them."

I could list things like-
*Hyper-sensitivity to criticism-- I prefer not to be told things in public/in front of others. I also need to hear the positive to balance out any problems.
*Physical vulnerability--Sometimes I cannot bear anyone too near to me physically, at those times can I do something that doesn't involve public contact and gives me my own space.
*Tiredness--Does it bother anyone when I yawn all the time at the counter?
*I already refer a customer to another member of staff on those rare occasions when I feel overwhelmed by a difficult customer.
On the whole my work is not adveresely affected by my emotional vulnerabilities, and awareness of these points on her part should help iron out the last wrinkles...

That's the main things.
Perhaps I could set it out informally in a letter to her that would make it smoother for me---I get very anxious and then miss out things, don't say what I want, etc. I want to be clear and assert myself, my needs...

What do you think?

sorrel

[sorrel]

can't sleep.....mind won't shut down....waiting for Zopiclone to take effect....feel tense and anxious...bit overwhelmed..wanting gentleness, to be held...

I want to be rocked tand cradled to sleep....

sorrel

[sorrel]

starting to feel more sleepy....feeling very very alone.

sorrel

[Overcastbutclearing]

Sorrel,
I think writing down your thoughts about this and what you may want to say to your manager is an excellent idea.
I totally understand where you are coming from with the issues you have. And although they have made up labels to better educate themselves and help people, you my dear, are not a label. So, try and focus on how you can feel better day by day.
I hope you got a good night of rest and have been staying safe.
Please update us...ok.

[sorrel]

thanks sj....I will let you know...

I slept pretty well...and again for half an hour when I got in from work. I am conciously trying to be self nurturing, and to stay away from situations or cyber-places where I feel invalidated or rejected. (when my beliefs are rejected, I feel rejected)
I am also reading Jacqueline Wilson and Winnie the Pooh!!!

yesterday did shake me up somewhat, like I just start to accept that I don't have to try and be a label. And the someone starts to try and define me by one...grrrr...though I also hear her caring.

I need to get things clearer with her, that is for sure.

(I remember a group session once where I suggested a label burning party!!!!)

sorrel

[Overcastbutclearing]

Just so you know I love Winnie the Pooh. I have a tatto of him on my leg!!
Hang in there kiddo.
Let me know how tomorrow goes at work.

[goofygirl]

((((((((((((((((((sorrel))))))))))))))))))))))))))))~
Hang in there!

[sorrel]

thanks guys......

my fave is Piglet tho..cos I'm a very small animal too...(5 foot and 7 stone-43 kilos)



It was therapy today, work tomorrow.

In therapy we ascertained that my main concern that I need to address with my manager is to be reassured that I am not going to be asked to leave because of it.
Its unlikely, I think, but I just NEED to know, you know?????

Thanks again...

sorrel