Aloneness and Forget Me Nots

Why do i feel so alone so much? Even on here. I realized how long I have been posting, I don't feel part of any group of people who keep in touch. I just feel like I have an inability to connect, and have people be genuinely concerned in a way that will be with you to the end. Its not just on here, its mostly in real life actually. I go to church, and gym, and try mentoring organizations, and it always ends with people politley forgetting about me. I wonder so often what is wrong with me. Should try again, and i do, and then, but it will end the same, so i i think.. well. I'll try again, but im so tired of being dropped. My pastors actually forgot about an apointment to have dinner with me over the holidays. My therapist frequently forgets to return my calls. My mentor hasnt returned my email. I don't know what it is. I truely think im polite. I try very hard not to overtax someone. I would never call alot or even often. And so. Well. I was thinking, You guys are probably the only people who would be honest. I mean you will never have to see me in person anyways. This is something that forever bugs me, so I'd really appreciate your input. What attracts you to people? what makes a person easily forgettable. plz feel free to make it personal (if you know me) b/c it would help me out more. What could i do to fit in more and stand out more?

Offering up a hug as I don't have anything of value to add at this time. You've done things that would be suggested if you were isolating but you're not.

I'm going to think about your two questions overnight.

*What attracts one to another person/other people?

*What makes a person easily forgettable to another person/other people?

(((EV))) Take care and some good questions to ask. I can only hope you get a bunch of answers that make sense to you.

Ozzie is right in being you. Fitting in isn't always what it is about. Standing out can be overrated. Lemme sleep and I'll see what I have on this tomorrow.

EV, I'm also going to give this some thought and get back to you, Ok?

Angela

It's hard to have an answer, if anything, I believe all of us have experienced what you have, so, I guess it's just the way it is.
I personally connect to you the same way I do to many others...

Lots of love to you.

Thanks all..

My therapist told me the other day that I was barking up the wrong tree when I tried to have lunch with my pastor's wife because she had disappointed me in the past. Maybe i have a bad habit of continuing to seek approval when its obvious someone doesnt have the time, or desire, or capacity to connect. I think my biggest fear is that I will be alone. I'm rather shy in real life, so when there is someone I know, I'll continue to reach out to them even if they keep rejecting me. Its rather hopeless and stupid, but in a way I just keep recreating my childhool. pain pain pain, but still hoping if I do one more thing, they will care.
So anyways.. You can't make people care about you. I think maybe I need to learn to be comfortable with being alone.

So. Thanks everyone again.

EV,

Your explanation here gives a whole new dimension to this issue for you.

So many of us with abuse issues from childhood seek out that repetitive abusive rejection again and again from friends, partners, spouses, therapists, etc.

I think instead of the statement "you can't make people care about you" why not instead focus on learning how to find the right kind of people?

I don't think it is hopeless or stupid at all. I think it is sad that you have gone through this pattern in your life. Now that you are aware you can begin to change it.

You can begin to seek out more available people that you won't have to 'do one more thing to make them care'. You'll learn within yourself what is that 'magic something' that appeals to others.

People who will like you for you.........not for the things you do for them..............but just for living and breathing as you! Imagine that?!

It will happen esthersvirtue. You're finding out huge discoveries along the way. Good job!

Esthersvirtue, I have one really bad habit, when I make friends with someone I never let them go, but if your willing to try it would make my day, want to give it a try
Angie

Ya know what attracts me to a person...therapy! Really. I find that I most enjoy talking to people who are in, or have been in, therapy. Like I can see in you, they have some clue as to how they feel, they have an ability to express it, and they can see how their past impacts their now. And once you make that link, you can work through those glitches we all run into. It ain't easy, but it's do-able.

Those people are the ones who hearts are availabe to mine. They are people I find I can communicate with since we understand the need for sensitivity, care, and trust in communication. We've learned this within the context of therapy. We learned about ourselves too.

Great question!! Thank you!

emmy

EV,

This is a really hard question and I've been giving it a lot of thought for a while now. I finally decided I'm probably never going to have a better answer (lol!) than what I've come up with so far, and I know you are interested in thoughtful replies, so I'm going to do my best ok? (Bear with me... )

What attracts me to people is their self, in all their uniqueness and weirdness and lovableness. Therefore, it's different with every person. I was thinking about this and considering who the people I'm most attracted to (in terms of wanting to be in their company, not exclusively wanting to date them) and here are some thoughts I had:

I have one friend, Toni, who can be dealing with the crappiest situation ever, but it takes a LOT bring her down. And likewise, if you are in the depths of despair, she has an uncanny ability to bring you up, even if only for the time you are in her company. And I'm not talking about a fake person who pretends to be happy. She is just able to find the joy, despite having dealt with some terrible things. She has this natural grace about her, a LOAD of faith in her spiritual beliefs, and a genuine desire to be happy and see others happy. I'm attracted to that in her. I should say, though, that I am no less drawn to her when she cries or gets ornery and cranky- because I love that she's also human and capable of acknowledging her pain when things DO get to her.

Then there's Vern. Vern, I am absolutely stuck like glue to in my heart. I love that he can be "child-like." Not child-ish, but child-like. He likes to play, get into snowball fights, debate the fine points of rather lame issues, have stubborn contests, make you laugh, etc. There is something inherently comical in his very nature and I thoroughly enjoy it! He's quirky and he's weird. Another one of my favorite things about him is that he's willing to go deeper with me. He's a GREAT listener and he is always open to hearing whatever I have to talk about, no matter how serious or vulnerable. Some people just aren't able to be like that. I like knowing that Vern can handle it if I get emotionally intense.

And there's Jeff. Jeff is very business-minded and keeps his emotions mostly to himself. One of the things I enjoy about Jeff is that I can hang out with him and have it NOT be so heavy and intense. We chat about our majors, movies we've seen, minor surface-level things about life that we've been pondering, social issues, etc. Chat like that from time to time is VERY good for me, because without it I get lost in the abyss of my sorrow! Another great thing is that he's like a steal trap- I know whatever I tell him will NOT get spread around.

My friend that died, Jon, he just had cute little mannerisms and ways about him. One thing that everyone remembers about Jon is how, when he wanted to say something and couldn't figure out how to work it into a conversation, he would raise his index finger and say "incidentally" in a way that was just uniquely him. It's just a small thing, but it's endearing, and everyone who knew Jon thinks so.

My mom. One thing I love about her is that she's humble and approachable. She is always willing to consider another perspective, and thus I feel safe in speaking up if I disagree.

My therapist. I feel so comforted by her, it's unreal. She's so warm and fuzzy that her words and her very presence feels like a big cuddly fleece blanket wrapped around me. She is very artistic in the way she strings her words together, and she's very gentle in her approach.

I have friends that I like because they are so quirky, some because they're so normal, some because they're funny, some because they're serious, some because they're faithful, some because they question, etc, etc, etc... ad nauseum! lol!

I could go on and on and probably bore you to death if I haven't already. But my point is that EVERY person has something that is just too darn lovable about them not to like it! I found that was a useful trick for me when dealing with clients at work who grated on my nerves- I looked for what made them lovable and unique and special. And I found that ALL of them had some special spark just waiting to be seen. There are things about ALL of us that are wonderful and wonderfully unique.

EV, you are a unique combination of traits and quirks and beautiful things. Your light will shine through to those who are paying attention. I know it has to me! I'm sold on you!

I think you are a sincere and kind-hearted person and I just adore you. I know that if you will work on being brave enough to just BE YOU and really put yourself out there, people will see that and they will love it.

What's not to love???

Angela

Bravo, couldn't have said it half as good
Ev you are loved by us
Angie

Thank you all! I'm not sure why things have been so rocky, but I really appreciate your support. Hopefully things will be better. Just got a med switch.

Keep us updated on the med switch...........that can have a lot to do with things being rocky. My fingers are crossed for this to help!!

Anytime you're feeling alone just remember all of us here who believe in you and are supportive of you.